Wedding Etiquette Forum

How do I handle parents who seem to not care that I'm getting married?

Ok.. My fianc and I got engaged in September, neither my parents or his have at all actually acknowledged the engagement. No celebration, no both families meeting, nothing. No one has asked about planning, no one has given in put or discussed financesI was at one point told by my mother that they'd pay for it then a month later that my fianc and I need to do all the deposits because if things go south they don't want to be out money. This was between October and early November. Let me say how incredibly disappointing and upsetting it is to have no one even ask you about venues or registries or picking a dateactually anythingabout what is what I thought supposed to be a happy and exciting time. I've hear tales of how much fun planning is supposed to be and got to hear about my parents engagement soire yet no one did a damn thing for us. In fact, apparently half of my family did not know anything til we went Facebook official which we waited for so that both our parents could make calls and what not. I guess the rest shouldn't surprise me much then based on the current track record.

Now, I worked for a Dj company for years and decided back then I wanted nothing to do with a wedding which I have made clear for the past 7 years. For the past seven years I have been vocal about a destination elopement because I truly do not care for the headache or stress of planning a wedding based on everyone but my fianc and myself.

I am finally at this point just fed up with the lack of interest or discussion of a wedding and we have decided to just go to townhall and invite both sets of parents which is again against the preference of us AND against my better judgement based on the lack of any excitement on everyone's part; so yet again trying to accommodate them against my better judgement. Well, my mother had the audacity to tell me that I'm doing things wrong and then go on about how I can't have a shower and won't have a reception and honestly I somehow doubt any of that was being planned since no one has asked me anything or chosen to sit down with me when asked to discuss what the budget is and what is going on. Again this friggin show was for themnot us.

So basically, I'm not sure how to break the news to my father and my fianc's parents, but mostly mine, without flipping out and telling them they had no interest and everything was to accommodate them including doing things at town hall next week when we'd much rather be in Mexico or the Bahamas alone and not having to deal with bitterness or stress, but again this is to shut them up for future conflicts of not being important enough.

Thoughts?

Re: How do I handle parents who seem to not care that I'm getting married?

  • I'm sorry to hear your parents and FI's parents are not excited about your upcoming marriage.  Have you broached the subject with either family to find out why?  Perhaps they have reasons unbeknownst to you becuase no one has talked about it.

    My family and I are very close, so I can't imagine not talking to them about something this big.  If that's the case for you, then I encourage you to talk with you families.  If not, book a trip to wherever and tell them.

    Good luck to you!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-handle-parents-who-seem-to-not-care-that-im-getting-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8364054c-d98d-4036-b88c-9a9bcd9da862Post:4080b01e-ca14-4e70-9ab0-221ce9eeba24">How do I handle parents who seem to not care that I'm getting married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok.. My fianc and I got engaged in September, neither my parents or his have at all actually acknowledged the engagement. No celebration, no both families meeting, nothing. No one has asked about planning, no one has given in put or discussed financesI was at one point told by my mother that they'd pay for it then a month later that my fianc and I need to do all the deposits because if things go south they don't want to be out money. This was between October and early November. Let me say how incredibly disappointing and upsetting it is to have no one even ask you about venues or registries or picking a dateactually anythingabout what is what I thought supposed to be a happy and exciting time. I've hear tales of how much fun planning is supposed to be and got to hear about my parents engagement soire yet no one did a damn thing for us. In fact, apparently half of my family did not know anything til we went Facebook official which we waited for so that both our parents could make calls and what not. I guess the rest shouldn't surprise me much then based on the current track record.

    Now, I worked for a Dj company for years and decided back then I wanted nothing to do with a wedding which I have made clear for the past 7 years. For the past seven years I have been vocal about a destination elopement because I truly do not care for the headache or stress of planning a wedding based on everyone but my fianc and myself.

    I am finally at this point just fed up with the lack of interest or discussion of a wedding and we have decided to just go to townhall and invite both sets of parents which is again against the preference of us AND against my better judgement based on the lack of any excitement on everyone's part; so yet again trying to accommodate them against my better judgement. Well, my mother had the audacity to tell me that I'm doing things wrong and then go on about how I can't have a shower and won't have a reception and honestly I somehow doubt any of that was being planned since no one has asked me anything or chosen to sit down with me when asked to discuss what the budget is and what is going on. Again this friggin show was for themnot us.

    So basically, I'm not sure how to break the news to my father and my fianc's parents, but mostly mine, without flipping out and telling them they had no interest and everything was to accommodate them including doing things at town hall next week when we'd much rather be in Mexico or the Bahamas alone and not having to deal with bitterness or stress, but again this is to shut them up for future conflicts of not being important enough.

    Thoughts?
    Posted by millerdrinka423[/QUOTE]
  • I'm sorry you're so frustrated.  

    Nobody is going to be as excited about your upcoming marriage as you and your fiance will be.  I know it would be nice to have your parents show SOME excitement, but if they are anything like mine you could tell them you were chosen to go on a space mission tomorrow and they'd say something like "That's nice, dear.  Be safe."  Some people just don't get excited about things.  

    Also, nobody is obligated to pay for your wedding except you two.  Again, it sucks that they kind of offered, and are backing out.  But would you rather sign contracts then find out they can't afford it or won't pay and be stuck paying the bill?  If they pay, are you willing to give up control and let them dictate what THEY want over what YOU want?   That's what happens when people pay -- they get a say.  For the wedding you want, it sounds like you're better off just planning to pay for it yourself.

    And since they know you plan on eloping, it's natural that they wouldn't get terribly excited (or plan on paying for) a wedding that they won't even be invited to.
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  • I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Some families aren't as hands on as others in the engagement/wedding planning process. Your situation may be as simple as that. Before making a rash decision, have you sat down with your parents and told them that you feel like they aren't happy about the wedding? Do they like your FI? Is there a chance that they are being cold about the engagement because they don't approve for some reason? If there's nothing like that underlying the whole situation, then it sounds like they are just hands off parents. That's how mine were too. Plan the sort of wedding YOU AND FI want and don't worry about whether it will please the parents (obviously, follow proper etiquette for whatever you choose, but the choice of courthouse, Mexico, big white wedding is completely up to you). Which brings me to a couple points of etiquette you raised in your post: First, if parents offer to pay, great. But it is rude to ask. Because they have offered once before, you're justified in nicely asking them if they can give you a firm budget so that you can make plans. If your parents pay, they must be invited (so no taking their money to run off to Mexico alone). It sounds like you mentioned having the courthouse wedding or private destination wedding to your mom. She actually correctly pointed out that once you go that route, you forfeit a bridal shower and big reception and other bride-y things because its against etiquette to have them if you don't invite the attendees of showers and receptions to the wedding.
  • I agree 100% with Avion.  My inlaws did this with our honeymoon - they offered to send us to Europe or South America (obviously we were excited), and then they sort of backed out without saying anything official to us, and we had no good way to ask.  Whenever FI brought it up they literally pretended he hadn't said anything.  As it got closer and closer we realized we needed to just accept the fact that we were on our own - it was a bummer because that made it impossible for us to go to some of the more exotic destinations (we were thinking south america), but ultimately it's comforting knowing we can afford the vacation we are taking.  They did swoop in at the last minute and buy our airfare.  That was a very nice surprise and saved us a large chunk of change, so we are grateful for that.  We could have certainly paid for our airfare ourselves, but we didn't have to, and that was a nice surprise.  Your parents may be the same way as his.  I'm pretty sure we didn't even receive a congrats from them in the last year and a half but that's ok - everybody knew we were going this direction, and it wasn't a surprise or a particularly exciting thing to them.
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  • For the last seven years, you have been making a big deal about how much traditional weddings suck and how you want to elope because you don't want to have to take anyone else into consideration, and now you're upset because no one is interested in your wedding plans?  Why would you expect anyone to be asking you about a registry under these circumstances?  If you're not planning on inviting guests, it's completely inappropriate to register for gifts.  Your mom was correct when she said you can't have a shower if you only invite your parents to the wedding.

    I'm really not sure what you're so riled up about.  You sure do seem to have a huge chip on your shoulder about...something.
  • I agree with PPs who are confused. If you have been so vocal for 7 years about not wanting a wedding, why would you expect people in your family to be excited?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • What do they mean by "if it goes south they don't want to be out the money for deposits?" Do they tink you won't follow through with the marriage? Do they get along with/like FI? Do they have a reason to think this wedding won't happen and maybe that's why they aren't over the moon? 

    There is no reason you two can't elope, you'll just need to pay for it. 
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  • My first thought is that you have made it an issue to annouce repeatedly over the last 7 years that you don't want a wedding.  If my DD did  that, why would I offer to pay for something she doesn't want?

    Also, I wonder if there is more to the story.  Do they like your FI?  Do they have issues with him?  How long have you guys been together?  Are you guys financially stable?  Decent jobs?  Is there any reason either set of parents disapproves of the marriage?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-handle-parents-who-seem-to-not-care-that-im-getting-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8364054c-d98d-4036-b88c-9a9bcd9da862Post:dec3298c-82f8-468a-9c6f-8441eedc70be">Re: How do I handle parents who seem to not care that I'm getting married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with PPs who are confused. If you have been so vocal for 7 years about not wanting a wedding, why would you expect people in your family to be excited?
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    Same here. My main thoughts going through the post:

    1. Weird they haven't acknowledged it. Like at all? Or just haven't seemed excited about it? One is weird, one makes sense the more you read.
    2.My parents and my FI's parents haven't met or anything like that. they're both busy people. None of that stuff is required/not having it doesn't mean people don't care.
    3. No one is required to give you money for your wedding (especially if you have always said you're eloping). If no one offers money, you pay for whatever you're doing yourself. Plenty of the girls here have done exactly that.
    4. Not everyone is into wedding planning. Wedding planning can be a lot of fun even if your mom isn't interested in hearing every detail.
    5. My parents (actually no one) planned an engagement party for us. If you're eloping, you actually SHOULDN'T have an engagement party (people invited to pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding. They were actually being respectful)
    6. It's not up to your parents to call everyone. If you want people to know, you call them. If they didn't say they were calling X and Y, don't assume they are.
    7. If you've always said you wanted to elope, why are you fed up with lack of interest? Isn't it your preference to just run off an get married? I don't understand the entire problem in that paragraph. Are you saying your parents are going to be upset if you elope? Then they are interested in a wedding, aren't they?

    Over all, this entire post is confusing/sounds whiny/entitled. If you want to elope, have told people you want to elope, and are at the point where you just want to elope...go elope, yeah? Plenty of people don't get money from their parents. Plenty of people don't have engagement parties (even ones who WILL have guests at their wedding). Your situation doesn't seem like anything too special. You've told your parents your preference for 7 years, and they probably assume that is what you're wanting to still do?
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  • The above advice is all great and I agree with everything said by the group.

    It is your life, so make a decision on what you want and go with it. Keep in mind the repurcussions(both positive and negative) of a destination wedding, a JP wedding or a local wedding.

    Good Luck

  • I have to agree with PPs who state that after 7 years of proclaiming how uninterested you are in weddings, your parents and others may be going along with what they thought was a firmly ingrained anti-wedding attitude on your part and may feel confused.

    So it seems ironic to me that you now are claiming you want the kind of attention you spent 7 years claiming you'd rather elope than have.

    You have some decisions to make, but you need to make them regardless of the feedback or lack thereof you get from your family.

    Best wishes!

  • Obv I wouldn't expect anything eloping.. The only reason we were going to do a wedding was for our parents.. Not us.. So if I'm doing something bc they want it, I expect the decency of communicating with me about it. I'm not easily riled up.. I have a low tolerance for things being expected and then kind of twisted around. We weren't having a wedding because we wanted it, but so that our parents would shut up and be happy. My mother threw a fit over me saying I wanted to elope, yet she has not talked to me about planning a damn thing. I have had one cousin ask me and actually be happy. My family like my fianc very much, they have since day one, granted we have many years of friendship prior to it being more.
  • And trust me, I have no entitlement mentality what so ever so I do take offense to that accusation. All I have tried to do is please others and naturally get screwed in the end. I did not even expect them to pay, they offered, I did not ask and most certainly would not expect it.
  • Elope. This weekend. Right now. You don't want a wedding so put all of this behind you
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-handle-parents-who-seem-to-not-care-that-im-getting-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8364054c-d98d-4036-b88c-9a9bcd9da862Post:105228a4-30c1-456b-bc9a-e2b1a1224c14">Re:How do I handle parents who seem to not care that I'm getting married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Obv I wouldn't expect anything eloping.. The only reason we were going to do a wedding was for our parents.. Not us.. So if I'm doing something bc they want it, I expect the decency of communicating with me about it. I'm not easily riled up.. I have a low tolerance for things being expected and then kind of twisted around. <strong>We weren't having a wedding because we wanted it, but so that our parents would shut up and be happy. My mother threw a fit over me saying I wanted to elope, yet she has not talked to me about planning a damn thing</strong>. I have had one cousin ask me and actually be happy. My family like my fianc very much, they have since day one, granted we have many years of friendship prior to it being more.
    Posted by millerdrinka423[/QUOTE]

    It's not either elope or have a big wedding. You can have a VERY small intimate wedding with just your immediate family (parents, sisters, brothers...). Get married at the JOP, and go to lunch or dinner afterwards. but it's not your moms responsibility to help you plan it.
    Your mom is right that you can't have showers because everyone invited to the shower needs to be invited to the wedding.

    yes it sucks that she's not excited but this happens to most of us. It's not until 3-6 months out when family starts getting giddy and stoked.
  • Okay, thanks for clearing that up a bit.  To summarize:  you and your fiance wanted to elope.  Your parents didn't like the idea and pressured you to have a traditional large wedding, but they don't want to help you do it, and your mom offered to contribute financially but then backed out.  So now you're back to either eloping or having a very small courthouse wedding, and your mom isn't happy with that.  Is that correct?

    Plan the type of wedding you and your fiance want to have, plan to pay for it yourselves, and don't worry about what everyone else wants.  Yes, your parents might be upset becuause of your choice- there might not be any way to avoid that. But you're an adult and you get to make your own decisions.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-handle-parents-who-seem-to-not-care-that-im-getting-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8364054c-d98d-4036-b88c-9a9bcd9da862Post:4080b01e-ca14-4e70-9ab0-221ce9eeba24"><u><font color="#0000ff">How do I handle parents who seem to not care that I'm getting married?</font></u></a>:
    [QUOTE] Let me say how incredibly disappointing and upsetting it is to have no one even ask you about venues or registries or picking a dateactually anythingabout what is what I thought supposed to be a happy and exciting time. I've hear tales of how much fun planning is supposed to be and got to hear about my parents engagement soire yet no one did a damn thing for us. Posted by millerdrinka423[/QUOTE]
    From an outsider's perspective this reads like you're disappointed about something that  you never wanted to happen anyway.  It seems like you would be secretly celebrating that they didn't care to get into the wedding minutiae since it's not your taste either.

    It also seems like you're angry that they forced you into focusing on a wedding that you didn't want.  But this begs the question, did you ever once sit them down after you were engaged and tell them that you were planning a small destination wedding with just a few family members as you had told them in previous years that you wanted? 

    If you did this, and they pleaded with you to change your mind and promised to pay for it then pulled out I could understand.  But if they did not then how do you know they would be upset with your preference?  Even if they had offered money and then pulled back, that should have made you happy.  Because then you could just say that you understand how expensive things can be so you two are going back to Plan A, which would be a small destination wedding. 

    In fact you can still do this.  Just tell them you're going back to Plan A and use their own reasoning (that you don't want to be on the hook for high wedding costs when you're just starting out).  They are welcome to come if they like.
  • Sierra524Sierra524 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited February 2013
    If you want to elope, then do it. You dont have to have this huge wedding & all the pre-wedding parties if you dont want to. You need to get married in a way that makes you happy, so if it would make you happy to elope, then I say go for it. All the PPs were right with everything they said....when you elope, you have no shower or reception. Is that okay with you? You really shouldnt have an engagement party either because those people will expect to be invited to a wedding. They were also right in saying that nobody is ever going to be as excited about a wedding as you are. Im sorry your parents are not more hands on and dont seem very happy for you. I am sure they are tho, they probably just are not very expressive people. I hope it works out for you.

    ETA: maybe the 7 years you spent being vocal about not wanting a wedding is the reason why they are not more excited. If you'er not excited about it, why would they be? Just saying.
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