money dance

Pookieson

This appears to be regional. We dj in Central California. Every wedding we've played has done a money dance 50 or so weddings and we've been guests at a dozen or so and they do the money dance also. Wondering if this is regional anywhere else? Around here, its the norm. Thoughts?

misssunshine17

Some people claim for it to be regional. Reguardless, it's super tacky to make your guests pay to dance with you. 

Maggie0829

Just because something is the "norm" or regional does not make it etiquettely correct.  A money dance is rude because you should never ask your guests to open up their wallets at a wedding.  Period.  If guests want to give you a little extra something they would put it in a card or hand it to the bride and groom discreetly.  I think having a dance to basically force guests into giving more money to the couple is tacky.

rajahmd

Is this the dance where people pay to dance with the bride and groom?  If so, it's usually a Polish cultural thing, not really regional from what I've heard.  It's generally only accepted in those groups where it's cultural.  If it's not your culture, it's generally frowned upon to use it.  I would recommend against it.  It can make your guests uncomfortable, especially if they haven't seen it before or aren't from a culture where it's common and accepted. 

 If you wish to use the tradition without the money part, you can turn it into a well wishes dance.  Instead of money, guests give the bride/groom a well wish for the future or a piece of advice written on slips of paper in exchange for a dance.  This could be really enjoyable for you and your guests, plus you're left with personal momentos from the day.

HSAmber

I've seen it in Central IL, but I think it's gross and tacky. You're the bride, not a stripper.

Kate61487

I've seen this at one or two in central Indiana, but I don't know that it's really the norm.  Supposedly it's roots are Polish, but H is 75% polish and I've yet to see this at a single wedding for his family (ours included, of course)

daveANDkristen

About half the weddings I've been to around here have had a dollar dance, too.  We didn't even consider it because I think it's not only rude, but kind of stupid.

Pookieson

I don't think its a Polish reason for doing it around here. As far as I can tell, everyone just does it. No one seems upset about it and the guests are usually asking us to play more songs so they can keep dancing. We aren't doing one. I was just wondering if its a regional thing because EVERYONE does it. Also, my FI grandma said it was rude if we DIDN'T do one because in her family it is a way of family and friends helping the bride and groom start their lives together because it takes a family and friends, and your love...to build happiness. She's Italian, my side is Irish and they also thought it was strange we elected not to, but left it at that. So I didn't know of it was regional, cultural or how it came to be. I was just curious if any other brides see it in such high numbers.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:9367c0d1-2f5d-4281-906a-38c6562e3da1">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]About half the weddings I've been to around here have had a dollar dance, too.  We didn't even consider it because I think it's not only rude, but kind of stupid.
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

<div>This is how I feel too.  I have been to some family weddings that had one, and they collected maybe $50 total, while making their guests feel awkward.  Not worth it.</div>

Jager1219

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:4f6ecb64-c521-4327-a88c-1bbba27d7f00">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this the dance where people pay to dance with the bride and groom?  If so, it's usually a<strong> Polish cultural thing</strong>, not really regional from what I've heard.  It's generally only accepted in those groups where it's cultural.  If it's not your culture, it's generally frowned upon to use it.  I would recommend against it.  It can make your guests uncomfortable, especially if they haven't seen it before or aren't from a culture where it's common and accepted.   If you wish to use the tradition without the money part, you can turn it into a well wishes dance.  Instead of money, guests give the bride/groom a well wish for the future or a piece of advice written on slips of paper in exchange for a dance.  This could be really enjoyable for you and your guests, plus you're left with personal momentos from the day.
Posted by RachelBFMD[/QUOTE]
I'm 100% Polish & I've never heard of this or seen this done at any Polish wedding I've attended.  We do the polka and a bread, wine, and salt tradition, but not the money dance.  First time I heard of this was at an Italian wedding I attended.

Jager1219

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:0101c647-a6cd-441f-9313-579a1a8eb1fa">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: money dance : I've heard this as well. Claiming polish tradition is also why my <strong>grandma yanked the shoe right off my foot and had people stuff it with money</strong> before I knew what she was doing. Polish tradition was quoted as to why my great grandma tied an<strong> apron around my mom's wedding dress at the reception and made a purse that she was supposed to go around collecting money in.</strong> Either my grandma's side is full of crap or the polish culture wins as tackiest culture in the world. Pretty sure it's the former.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]
You're right.  I've heard of this (never seen it though thankfully).  I guess I never linked it to the money dance since the ones I've seen have been very different.

tlc35

The last few wedding I have been to here in south Louisiana had one. Here it is thought of as a Cajun thing. That being said I didn't like it and I'm not doing it.

Pookieson

I just got an email from grandma (yeah I have an internet savvy FGMIL) She said,

A dollar dance is only tacky if you make it that way.  You DO NOT let people pin money on you or shove it down your shirt.  You put something in the program to the effect that you would like to dance with everyone at the reception to say hello and greet them.  You place a money tree or something else somewhere else so that people can dance without feeling obligated.  You keep it short and simple and you graciously thank people.  I don't think it's very nice to call other people's cultures and traditions tacky.  I know your mother said that they had a dollar dance, your grandparents did too, as did all of your aunts and uncles.  So some may think that you are breaking tradition and being quite rude.  Whatever you decide to do is just fine, I just thought you would want to know the background.

Ayayayyaa.  Grandma let me have it.  I still don't want one, but FI had an idea.  What if we include a dollar in the programs (to make grandma happy) and ask the guests to dance with us (in some clever way) to avoid asking for money.  Thoughts?  Ways to get around this?  FI is very close to Grandma and is willing to bend to make her happy, I'm not crazy about it, but if it's important to him, help me find a way to make this....less painful.  Grandma is a very.....Italian woman.  I'm a little afraid of her, and she is 90 lbs.

Jager1219

OP - grandma has a point that you will have family upset if you don't follow tradition.  If you're family is anything like mine (and it sounds like it) you may even have family members yell at you on the day of your wedding for not following tradition (seriously, I had to restrain my mother from yelling at my cousin - the bride - on the day of her wedding because she didn't play a polka!).

I think it's perfectly acceptable to have the band/DJ announce that you would like at this time to dance with those at the reception to say hello.  I'm on the fence about including the dollar in the program.  See if your grandma will bend the rules a bit and see how she feels about doing the dance as a greeting to people but leaving out the money piece completely...

ciligirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:9bd82dec-34f8-407d-ba5e-1eefcd481058">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got an email from grandma (yeah I have an internet savvy FGMIL) She said, A dollar dance is only tacky if you make it that way.  You DO NOT let people pin money on you or shove it down your shirt.  You put something in the program to the effect that you would like to dance with everyone at the reception to say hello and greet them.  You place a money tree or something else somewhere else so that people can dance without feeling obligated.  You keep it short and simple and you graciously thank people.  I don't think it's very nice to call other people's cultures and traditions tacky.  I know your mother said that they had a dollar dance, your grandparents did too, as did all of your aunts and uncles.  So some may think that you are breaking tradition and being quite rude.  Whatever you decide to do is just fine, I just thought you would want to know the background. Ayayayyaa.  Grandma let me have it.  I still don't want one, but FI had an idea.  What if we include a dollar in the programs (to make grandma happy) and ask the guests to dance with us (in some clever way) to avoid asking for money.  Thoughts?  Ways to get around this?  FI is very close to Grandma and is willing to bend to make her happy, I'm not crazy about it, but if it's important to him, help me find a way to make this....less painful.  <strong>Grandma is a very.....Italian woman.  I'm a little afraid of her, and she is 90 lbs.
</strong>Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

This made me smile!!!  I just lost my Italian grandma this past year, and you are 100% right, no one ever messed with her!

I like the well wishes idea.  I think it would be good to have some idea of what to do so no one pulls it that day and it is a suprise.

FI's family is half italian/half irish...Boston area to boot.  I have never seen the dollar dance at any family weddings.  I actually have only seen it once and both the bride and groom were of Portugese decent and someone had to explain to me what the heck was going on.  I was told that it was a custom of their family's heritage and because it was cultural to them, it really did not bother me to be honest, and I think it was over pretty quickly.

What is really really tacky that I have seen is this thing called a money tree where people clip money to a fake tree.  That blew my mind.  I grew up in the 80's.  Hopefully that tradition stayed there.

hoffse

Have them write wishes instead.  I personally don't like having to come up with that sort of thing on the spot, but it's much less painful than a dollar dance.

Carson386

I've seen it at a few weddings but I'm definitely not doing it. I'm not comfortable with someone paying to dance with FI or myself.

marta119

I am 100% Polish (I was born in Poland and moved to the US in 1998). I have attended a lot of weddings in Poland (most of them were for my cousins) and I can say every single one of them had the "money dance".  I've heard it bing justified as  the money is going for a baby carriage (for the future kids of the bride and groom).  I do believe they're cultural, but with that beings said, there will not be a money dance at my wedding

JaxInBlue

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:9bd82dec-34f8-407d-ba5e-1eefcd481058">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got an email from grandma (yeah I have an internet savvy FGMIL) She said, A dollar dance is only tacky if you make it that way.  You DO NOT let people pin money on you or shove it down your shirt.  You put something in the program to the effect that you would like to dance with everyone at the reception to say hello and greet them.  You place a money tree or something else somewhere else so that people can dance without feeling obligated.  You keep it short and simple and you graciously thank people.  I don't think it's very nice to call other people's cultures and traditions tacky.  I know your mother said that they had a dollar dance, your grandparents did too, as did all of your aunts and uncles.  So some may think that you are breaking tradition and being quite rude.  Whatever you decide to do is just fine, I just thought you would want to know the background. Ayayayyaa.  Grandma let me have it.  I still don't want one, but FI had an idea.  What if we include a dollar in the programs (to make grandma happy) and ask the guests to dance with us (in some clever way) to avoid asking for money.  Thoughts?  Ways to get around this?  FI is very close to Grandma and is willing to bend to make her happy, I'm not crazy about it, but if it's important to him, help me find a way to make this....less painful.  Grandma is a very.....Italian woman.  I'm a little afraid of her, and she is 90 lbs.
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

I think the previous suggestion of a well wishes dance might be a good compromise.  People can write their wishes for you on a piece of paper - you could even find a fake dollar template online - and pay for their dance with a good wish or piece of wedding advice. You are still "getting" something from your guests but no one needs to open their wallet.

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:9bd82dec-34f8-407d-ba5e-1eefcd481058">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got an email from grandma (yeah I have an internet savvy FGMIL) She said, <strong>A dollar dance is only tacky if you make it that way.  You DO NOT let people pin money on you or shove it down your shirt.</strong>  You put something in the program to the effect that you would like to dance with everyone at the reception to say hello and greet them.  You place a money tree or something else somewhere else so that <strong>people can dance without feeling obligated.  </strong>You keep it short and simple and you graciously thank people.  <strong>I don't think it's very nice to call other people's cultures and traditions tacky.</strong>  I know your mother said that they had a dollar dance, your grandparents did too, as did all of your aunts and uncles.  <strong>So some may think that you are breaking tradition and being quite rude.</strong>  Whatever you decide to do is just fine, I just thought you would want to know the background. Ayayayyaa.  Grandma let me have it.  I still don't want one, but FI had an idea.  What if we include a dollar in the programs (to make grandma happy) and ask the guests to dance with us (in some clever way) to avoid asking for money.  Thoughts?  Ways to get around this?  FI is very close to Grandma and is willing to bend to make her happy, I'm not crazy about it, but if it's important to him, help me find a way to make this....less painful.  Grandma is a very.....Italian woman.  I'm a little afraid of her, and she is 90 lbs.
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

Ok, to the bolded points.  What grandma doesn't see is that it's not how the dollars are given to you that makes it tacky.  I think it's funny that your grandma is telling you it's rude to criticize other people's traditions.  Is it not rude to force your traditions on your family and friends knowing that some will be offended?  Anyway, I know your grandma probably means well but I just plain don't like this "tradition" and it doesn't sound like you do either.  If you want a comprose, why not choose a few songs for your DJ to play for everyone to dance with the bride and groom.  Have the DJ call everyone up to dance with you and make no mention of money.

CA.Giraffe

I've lived in Central CA my entire life. It is pretty common here, but that doesn't make it acceptable or any less rude. Guests shouldn't pay for anything at the wedding.

Maggie0829

OP please do not feel obligated to do something you don't want to do just becasue it is a "tradition" in your family.  You and your FI are adults and can make your own decisions.

Just because something is a tradition does not mean that it isn't rude.  Asking for money from guests is rude whether it is shoved down your shirt, pinned to your dress or hung from a money tree.

Why not make a new "tradition" in your family and start the "no money dance at weddings from this point on" tradition

Jlp818

  My sister had a dollar dance at her wedding because the groom and his family insisted on it.  They are Albanian and said it was very bad luck not to do it.
  It was a bit awkward for our side of the family because we have never heard of it.  Seeing everyone stuffing money in my sister's hair and dress was slightly uncomfortable at first but the dancing was a lot of fun. 

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:8b7cc7b9-dbff-4c2b-9c2c-6e1cd9303d24">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]  My sister had a dollar dance at her wedding because the groom and his family insisted on it.  They are Albanian and said it was very bad luck not to do it.   It was a bit awkward for our side of the family because we have never heard of it.  <strong>Seeing everyone stuffing money in my sister's hair and dress</strong> was slightly uncomfortable at first but the dancing was a lot of fun. 
Posted by Jlp818[/QUOTE]

They stuffed the money in her hair?  I would have been so pissed if someone tried to shove bills in my nice, professional, cost me $120, done hair!

And where in her dress?  Down in her boobs?  Down her back?  So much overstepping personal boundaries/space going on.

ridedatbike

I thought it was Italian. Idk i don't see cultural things rude really. I think its more rude to expect someone to stifle their cultural beliefs. There is a time and a place though. I mean if only the bride and her mother do money dances in their family ya that could be really awkward. But if you go to like a big Italian wedding, or whatever ethnicity it is, I don't see a problem.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:0101c647-a6cd-441f-9313-579a1a8eb1fa">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: money dance : I've heard this as well. Claiming polish tradition is also why my grandma yanked the shoe right off my foot and had people stuff it with money before I knew what she was doing. Polish tradition was quoted as to why my great grandma <strong>tied an apron around my mom's wedding dress at the reception</strong> and made a purse that she was supposed to go around collecting money in. Either my grandma's side is full of crap or the polish culture wins as tackiest culture in the world. Pretty sure it's the former.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

This is an actual thing.  MIL wanted me to do it but I politely declined; all of H's female cousins who have gotten married since we started dating have done it.  My understanding is that the bride dances with her father first, then MOB takes off her veil and gives her an apron (they're lacey and pretty so it's not as awkward as it sounds) and that symbolizes going from bride to wife, then the bride and groom have their first dance. 

OP - I love Jaclyne's idea of a dollar template for a well wishes dance - I think that's the best possible compromise with grandma (i.e. keeps as much of the 'tradition' in tact as possible) without crossing into tacky territory

Simply Fated

Traditions should be things you want to do out of sense of love for your family, culture and area... and not because you feel obligated to do them.

If it's not something you (general you) agree with, then why do it?

I have family that lived in Poland and this isn't a tradition that followed us here.

Jlp818

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:ffd2f06a-a1f7-4c4a-8d04-115a7507c8bd">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: money dance : They stuffed the money in her hair?  I would have been so pissed if someone tried to shove bills in my nice, professional, cost me $120, done hair! And where in her dress?  Down in her boobs?  Down her back?  So much overstepping personal boundaries/space going on.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

Ugh yes they rolled it up and tucked it into her hair, stuffed it down the front and back of her dress and in her corset ties.  I was horrified for her at first but she never stopped smiling.  So what else could we do but go along with it at the time.  (Our mom nearly had a stroke.)  I know I have photos somewhere...

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-dance-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f60e63-73b6-4da2-a0e8-23b367305b56Post:9d013a93-f2bb-4faa-845a-40da67d341a4">Re: money dance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: money dance : Ugh yes they rolled it up and tucked it into her hair, stuffed it down the front and back of her dress and in her corset ties.  I was horrified for her at first but she never stopped smiling.  So what else could we do but go along with it at the time.  (Our mom nearly had a stroke.)  I know I have photos somewhere...
Posted by Jlp818[/QUOTE]

That is crazy.  She probably kept smiling because she didn't know what else to do.  At least she took it in stride.  Me on the other hand, I would have been mortified, especially if I didn't know how it was going to go down.

CallaLily25

It's not common in my area. I'm all for tradition, but this is one that I'd have to scrap. It just screams greedy and awkward to me.

K Everdeen12

My FI is Italian and I've never seen this at any of his family functions, so I don't buy that it's Italian.

His SIL is Greek, and they have a tradition of throwing money at the couple being honored (or the parents if the occasion is a bapstism) but only the Greek side of the family participates.  For some reason, that seems okay with me - they are clearly just keeping with the tradition and don't feel like they need to make anyone else participate.  The money also traditionally goes to the band, which I thought was interesting.