NWR: TY notes after a funeral

pirategal03

From my Googling I've learned that TY notes should be sent to those who send flowers, bring food, are pall-bearers, officiants, and to others who do something a step more than offering condolences after a funeral.

But I have a couple questions and I thought maybe some of you would weigh-in:

When a group (like an entire division of an office) sends food/flowers, do you send a note?  Do you address it to everyone?  Just send it to the division?

When a couple families go in together on a flower arrangement, write a note to each family?  Address to everyone and send to the person who ordered it?

Do you send TY notes to other family members who fit in the categories above?  Like 1st cousins, aunts/uncles, or grandparents?

For gifts I'm in the "always send a note" camp, but somehow this feels different.  Close family members aren't sharing in your joy when they buy you china like they're sharing in your grief at a funeral so I'm not sure what's appropriate. 

These are probably "duh I should know that" questions, but I'm having trouble knowing what to do.  Thanks.

danieliza1127

I've sent flowers to funerals before and never received a thank you note.  I've never expected one.  I've actually never heard of anything you just posted.

pirategal03

Hmmm really?  Then what the heck are the 8 boxes of TY notes that the funeral home gave us for?  (that's rhetorical)

ETA: I'm really lost on this subject.  That's why I've been Googling, but it's just leading to more questions.

danieliza1127

Yeah, I can see why you'd ask.  I wasn't trying to be snarky, just honestly never thought about TY notes for a funeral before and have never received any.

Celles

Sorry, I'm with Dani on this one.  I tend to view funeral flowers as a gift to the deceased rather than to the family -- and since I don't expect a thank you note from beyond the grave, I have never been surprised or offended not to have received one. 

That said, I think I would probably address the thank you note to the group (or to the division of the company, in the first scenario), in care of the individual who actually ordered the flowers. 


I am sorry for your loss. 

squirrly

I got flowers sent to me directly, not to the funeral, by some coworkers when my grandfather passed away.  I sent a card to the office they work in, addressed to all of them, and I sent an email to their manager (who actually ordered the flowers).  She forwarded the email to their broadcast group (with my consent). 

We also sent TYs to people that donated in his name to Hospice. 

vallyhoo

The funeral home provided thank you cards that came with the program and urn, etc. My mom sent them so I am not sure about the specific addressing situations.

felicity and reverie

You are supposed to send a note to anyone that sent flowers, brought dinner to your home, etc.

If multiple families went in on flowers, I believe it gets sent to both, but a corporation would just get one.

Also, it is allowable in funeral etiquette to have someone other than the immediate family write the thank you notes and the immediate family can just sign them.

I'm sorry for your loss. My family just went through this a couple months ago and I know that we had a lot of confusion about the thank you note etiquette as well.

MattsPenguin

FI's grandmom died in April.  I wasn't able to go, so I sent flowers.  They sent a pre-printed thank you note (had some Bible verse or poem on it).  I think his mom put a handwritten, "Thank you" note on the back. 

When a group (like an entire division of an office) sends food/flowers, do you send a note?  Do you address it to everyone?  Just send it to the division? Just send it to the division.  That's been done here at my office.

When a couple families go in together on a flower arrangement, write a note to each family?  Address to everyone and send to the person who ordered it? I'd send it to each family individually.

Do you send TY notes to other family members who fit in the categories above?  Like 1st cousins, aunts/uncles, or grandparents?  Maybe this fits into the "if you weren't able to thank in person, then send a note" category.  But if you saw them and thanked them at the funeral, that should suffice.  (?)

SarahPLiz

I know you shold send them to people who bring food to the house, but I've never gotten one for flowers, or for being a pall bearer. Of course, I was a pall bearer for my grandmother, so Im not sure who would have written the thank you.. my parents?

My sister stayed at my friend's family home during her mom's funeral to make sure they collected the name of everyone who brought food by the house. My sister didn't really know my friend's mom that well, so she didn't mind being there instead of the funeral. They sent her a thank you note for helping keep it all organized.

strlzfan11

I think thank you notes are appropriate for donations, flowers, and food, but not necessary for the pallbearers.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-ty-notes-after-funeral?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f8d146-f479-4567-a621-148f0a43c751Post:50fe7364-7944-4dab-a4d0-279ce9fee0e4">Re: NWR: TY notes after a funeral</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, it is allowable in funeral etiquette to have someone other than the immediate family write the thank you notes and the immediate family can just sign them.
Posted by felicity and reverie[/QUOTE]

I've read too that the pre-printed cards are OK to use here.  We're probably going that route and adding specifics (thank you for the lovely flowers/plant/potroast) personal notes when we have something specific to say. 

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-ty-notes-after-funeral?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f8d146-f479-4567-a621-148f0a43c751Post:474979bb-c587-44ed-a12a-2b4abcb28706">Re: NWR: TY notes after a funeral</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister stayed at my friend's family home during her mom's funeral to make sure they collected the name of everyone who brought food by the house. My sister didn't really know my friend's mom that well, so she didn't mind being there instead of the funeral. They sent her a thank you note for helping keep it all organized.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

That's about the best thing your sister could have done for the family.  Having someone there for that kind of thing is amazingly helpful. 

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-ty-notes-after-funeral?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f8d146-f479-4567-a621-148f0a43c751Post:50fe7364-7944-4dab-a4d0-279ce9fee0e4">Re: NWR: TY notes after a funeral</a>:
[QUOTE]You are supposed to send a note to anyone that sent flowers, brought dinner to your home, etc. If multiple families went in on flowers, I believe it gets sent to both, but a corporation would just get one. Also, it is allowable in funeral etiquette to have someone other than the immediate family write the thank you notes and the immediate family can just sign them. I'm sorry for your loss. My family just went through this a couple months ago and I know that we had a lot of confusion about the thank you note etiquette as well.
Posted by felicity and reverie[/QUOTE]

This is correct.

tenofcups4me

I'm sorry for your loss. I wouldn't worry TOO much about this -- do the best you can and I'm sure that if you slip up somewhere people will understand.

When a group (like an entire division of an office) sends food/flowers, do you send a note?  Do you address it to everyone?  Just send it to the division?
I'd send one note to the division.


When a couple families go in together on a flower arrangement, write a note to each family?  Address to everyone and send to the person who ordered it?
One to each family.

Do you send TY notes to other family members who fit in the categories above?  Like 1st cousins, aunts/uncles, or grandparents?
Depends on the relationships -- if they're also mourning, no note. If they're from the other side of the family or more distant, yes to the note.

mandysmear

i would NEVER expect a thank you.  when my mom died, we had about 30 meat, fruit, veggie platters, then the people who made us food, then at least 30 arrangements.  are you expecting a grieving family to go around and track down addresses of 100 people/families?  i sure wouldn't. 

we thanked everyone to their faces and had a "lunch reception" after her funeral with food and (non alcoholic) drinks.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-ty-notes-after-funeral?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f8d146-f479-4567-a621-148f0a43c751Post:8d3b44b5-6190-41e8-b24b-2ac4fffb70f6">Re: NWR: TY notes after a funeral</a>:
[QUOTE]i would NEVER expect a thank you.  when my mom died, we had about 30 meat, fruit, veggie platters, then the people who made us food, then at least 30 arrangements.  are you expecting a grieving family to go around and track down addresses of 100 people/families?  i sure wouldn't.  we thanked everyone to their faces and had a "lunch reception" after her funeral with food and (non alcoholic) drinks.
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

That's kind of the way I'm feeling.  I don't think that people are expecting it, but it still seems like something we should try to do.  When flowers are sent the card from the florist has the address of the sender on the back.  And when donations are made we're notified by whom and what their address is.  So we've at least got all of those addresses handy.  Most everyone who brought food by we have their address in the Christmas Card list.  Those I can't easily track down the address I'm probably not going to stress over it too much. 

rien713

felicity's got it down pat.

My family averages one death every two years. (Yeesh.) It's just habit now to keep track and send thank you's for flowers/plants/food.

I don't send the same expecting a thank you, however. I just do it because I know, having been on the other side, that it's nice to know there are others thinking about you and/or sharing your grief. I've only received a thank-you once (for a plant I sent to a friend's brother's funeral), and it was pretty surprising especially considering they really had no idea who I was.

If you're up for it, thank you's are a nice gesture. But people do understand that you're grieving and have a lot to deal with and they're not expecting pats on the back for supporting you and your family during a difficult time.

tenofcups4me

I would say I "expect" one in that I've always received one. I'm not saying I'd be mad if someone didn't send one, but I'd notice simply because that's not the norm that's been established. And FWIW, this isn't just in my family -- I've received them from family, friends I grew up with, friends that I met later in life from wholly different religions and geographic areas so it seems to transcend regional or cultural expectations.

KentuckyKate

An old friend of mine was killed a few months ago and I sent flowers.  Her dad sent a thank you note saying "Thank you for the beautiful flowers on Kelly's behalf.  The support of family and friends mean everything during this very difficult time."

I had never seen that before this particular TY note, so I have no idea if it's proper or the norm or what...  It breaks my heart, really, to think of him writing those.

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-ty-notes-after-funeral?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83f8d146-f479-4567-a621-148f0a43c751Post:63128f27-0c78-4f36-b0b6-20c32917620f">Re: NWR: TY notes after a funeral</a>:
[QUOTE] I had never seen that before this particular TY note, so I have no idea if it's proper or the norm or what...  It breaks my heart, really, to think of him writing those.
Posted by KentuckyKate[/QUOTE]

When my nephew died last year, it was rather cathartic for us to write those TY notes. Pirategal, I'm sorry for your loss. We kept to individual notes for families, single note for the office.

JanoBean75

Sympathy acknowledgement cards are generally sent to anyone expressing their sympathy for your loss (either they send a card, flowers, food, donation, etc.). You don't have to write too much; some families just use the pre-printed cards.

Mostly they say:

The family of
Eleanor Doe
acknowledges with grateful appreciation
your kind expression of sympathy

skippylouwho

If I hadn't sent thank yous after my mom's funeral she would have haunted me for ever. I helped write them after each of my grandparent's deaths, after my father's and my mother's.  They went to everyone - the pastor that officated, everyone who sent flowers, who brought anything by the house (food, paper products, etc). 

I can't imagine not thanking people who helped and were there at a time like that. I just can't imagine it and my mom, and my grandma, would have haunted me until I got them done.

Somewhat off topic - the worse day for me after my mom died, my dad had been gone for almost 3 years, was about 10 days after her funeral. I decided I needed to cancel her credit cards, appointments, etc.  I thought I was ready to do it. The first few calls I got through ok but after while of having to say "My name is xxx, my mother had an appointment with xx/had a credit card with you. My mother passed away on xxx and I need to cancel the appointment/card etc.

The worst response I got was from Verizon. I called to cancel her cell phone, they told me I HAD to come in to their store (60 miles away) in person and bring a death certificate with me. I had offered to mail them an original or fax them a copy.  I told them I didn't think so. I Googled their VP of customer service and sent her a letter complaining.  She cancelled the account, wrote me back and apologized and stated that was not their policy and a copy of the death certificate was all they would have needed.  In my letter I asked her if she would want to be the person working in the store when I came in to cancel the account, carrying a death certificate and grieving.

Birdie1483

We have received thank you notes after funerals and usually send them when we send flowers. However, I'm not the biggest note person (birthday, wedding, funeral, you name it) so I wouldn't really notice if someone didn't send a thank you note. However, my FI family sends notes for EVERYTHING. His parents even send thank you's to us for birthday presents and such. It actually stresses me out because I don't come from a place of notes, but that's another story.

Usually when my company sends flowers or something to a coworker they will respond with one thank you to the entire staff and address it to the receptionist or the president (it ends up being put out so everyone can see). If it's a family that sent them then I would personally send a card to the head of household or parents of the family and address everyone in your written statement in the card.

*BeachBride0410*

I think sometimes you aren't sure of the people sending flowers, gifts, etc.  My grandmother passed away last summer & if we were able to locate an address or knew who the gift was from, we did send a thank  you card.

DH & I recently sent flowers for a father of a coworker, straight to the funeral home.  We actually just received a thank you card.

But like other PP stated, I don't think it is expected. 

goheels05

I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry for your loss, Pirate. 

pirategal03

I kept getting error messages last night, so I couldn't check back in.  I feel like I have a better idea of what to do now.  Thanks for all the help.