Sooo, my best friend has been dating someone for several years - I have only met him maybe four times total, because until recently I have lived over a 1000 miles away during the time they have been dating. The very first time I met him, I was visiting town and we all went together. I found him to be a real jerk - he ogled every woman in the room, made misogynistic (sp?) comments, drank 10 beers at dinner (not to mention the drinks at the club/bar afterward), and treated my friend rather crappy throughout the night. He just rubbed me the wrong way - when I asked if they could please bring me home, he said I was a terrible friend for wanting to leave the bar at 2am in the morning when I only saw my friend once a yr. After that evening, I had dropped comments to her tactfully about me not feeling like he was good for her. I have a hard time knowing where to draw the line and how much I should speak my opinion of him. I really hoped she would get the hint without me having to say much, but she kept a relationship with him anyway, and fortunately I didn't have to have much to do with him b/c I lived so far away anyway. I just hoped they would break things off.
When my fiance and I were planning our wedding in NY - where we used to live, she had finally decided to break things off with the bf, and he moved to another state. On her save the date card, I listed her plus a guest. She mentioned she would most likely bring her sister, not the old bf. Wellllll......we had to cancel our wedding in NY, and move back to AZ where she and my family live, due to a number of reasons (fi had heart surgery, our living situation was bad, etc.) Our wedding guest list was VERY small, so everyone understood and it all worked out. Soon after our wedding was called off in NY, she got back with the old bf, and they've decided to get married.
They asked us to go out on a double date with them when we got back into town, and I agreed, thinking he had perhaps matured since the last time I'd seen him. It had to be the most awful dinner I've ever had with another couple. He made racist comments throughout dinner (my fi is black and vietnamese), showed up drunk in the first place, acted terrible toward my fi and best friend and generally just treated all of us like crap. We ended the dinner asap. My friend seemed so embarrassed and humiliated throughout the dinner, I was sure she would get the BIG hint that it went terribly and we would not ever never ever be able to go out with them again. However, she called me the next day to see if we wanted to hang out again! I'm still recovering from his behavior and would not ever feel comfortable being in the same room with him again. My fi made it very clear to me he does not want to see this person again. My question is.....how do I discuss this with my best friend, who is obviously so brainwashed and insecure she doesn't get that this guy is AWFUL.....and how do I discuss the fact that we can't all ever be in the same room together....EVER?? We are starting to replan our wedding, and I dont know how to disinvite her future husband....is having him at the wedding unavoidable simply because he will be her husband? I would have hoped she would not have put me in a position to be the one to confront her.....but evidently she's clueless..or trying to be. Any advice? I'm going to lunch with her this week...and I simply have to draw the line and make things very very clear.