Unity Candles?

bbyckes

So FI and I are going back and forth on whether to have a unity candle as part of our ceremony.  For the life of me, I don't get the significance, but maybe I'm missing something.

Our ceremony will not be religious, we will have one reading, no solos, the officiant will speak a few minutes about love, marriage, commitment and the exchange of vows.

Did you have a unity candle ceremony?  Pros?  Cons?

Stackeye210

We had the unity candle.  It was stressful.  I love the meaning behind it, however, the a/c vent was blowing and my mom couldn't get her side lit, it kept blowing out, and I had to "pretend" it was lit and light the unity candle.  It was one big fail and rather annoying. 

If I did it over again I'd do the sand ceremony.

BecW2be

If it's not important to either of you, I wouldn't have one just for the sake of having one. It's not a big deal. I didn't have one, but I think they are pretty. I wouldn't stress over it. Especially since you are getting married outside, and those damn things never light correctly outside.

opalsky007

We did something a little different. Since there were two candles on the altar to be lit, we had our moms light them as they processed in at the start of the ceremony. That way, it was like they were bringing the blessings of the family to the ceremony, but without making a big production out of it.

AmoroAgain

I'm pretty ambivalent and don't really get the meaning either.  They're not for me.

SwedishChick2011

We had a unity candle because DH really wanted one.  I actually wanted to do something like sand (or just skip it altogether), but he wasn't going for that.  The candle worked out great and added a little bit a length to our ceremony, which was very short compared to most of the ceremonies in our circle.  Ours was less than 20 minutes, and it would have been even shorter without the unity candle.

bbyckes

Bec, good point about lighting outside.  I also like the idea Opal had about having the mothers light two candles as they proceed in and then bring them to the front.  We were looking for a way to incorporate the mothers -- this may be it.  Thanks Opalsky!

bbyckes

Mags, that is laughable! 

BecW2be

Are you having candles anyway outside? If not, and you want to include the mothers, perhaps they can each take a flower and at it to an arrangement or put it at the altar in a vase or something.

danieliza1127

The way I've always seen it, the MOB and MOG light the taper candles before the ceremony starts then the bride and groom use those to light the big main candle.  It symbolizes the joining of the two families, or the joining of the bride and groom with the support of their families.  There's no religious significance.

We did a sand ceremony which is basically the same thing, but sand since we were outside.  I loved it and it was a fun moment of the ceremony for me and my H.  We both laughed during it and I just enjoyed it a lot.  There are pics in my married bio if you want to see.

SaraAndrew2010

A lot of people do unity candles.  Personally, it's NMS.  To me, it seems like a tradition that someone made up recently to sell a bunch of candles.  If it's not meaningful for you, don't feel like you have to do it because it's a popular trend.

sarah0725

I'm not big on the whole unity candle or any of those unity ceremonies. Just NMS at all.

If we do anything, it will be to have our officiant (FI's brother) ask the parents at the beginning if they are ready to support the marriage and all that jazz, and have them answer "We will." But in general I think they are going to get plenty of recognition, being parents and all.

Brie2010

I really hate unity candles.  They are a huge symbolism FAIL to me.

First of all...I reject the notion that FI and I are blowing out our figurative individual candles.  We are still individual people.  Yes, we are married, but neither of us plans to lose our identity in any way.

Second...after the ceremony?  That candle gets blown out.  And thrown in a closet.  If it was the fucking Olympic torch and burned forever, maybe it would make sense.  But the statement, "this candle represents your marriage!" followed by blowing the candle out 20 minutes later? Not a statement I want to make.

Also, I went to a wedding where it was windy and the candle blew out.  Bad symbol.

So, no, we're not having a unity candle.  /rant

bbyckes

Bec, we are having candles outside.  But, they won't be lit until after the ceremony - during the cocktail hour, in prep for dinner.  Votives on the tables, luminaries on the deck stairs and lining the area that separates our grass from the back woodsy area.

kate51485

I'm iffy on unity candles and definitely don't understand sand.  Brie makes an excellent point.

SwedishChick2011

Brie, I've never seen the B and G blow out their individual candles.  Yeah, that would be weird.  We definitely didn't do that.  It is ironic that the candle gets blown out right after the ceremony, though.  Also, I agree with PP who said it's probably just a ploy from the wedding industry to get people to buy candles.  Oh, well.

bbyckes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unity-candles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:860591ad-95b7-40aa-99fc-f0f98f51f204Post:1b085187-1347-405f-ac7c-dfb90672ef39">Re: Unity Candles?</a>:
[QUOTE]  Brie makes an excellent point.
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

Yes.  I agree with many of her points as well. 

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unity-candles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:860591ad-95b7-40aa-99fc-f0f98f51f204Post:5362be24-e503-4863-b22f-c7b477d249bc">Re: Unity Candles?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really hate unity candles.  They are a huge symbolism FAIL to me. First of all...I reject the notion that FI and I are blowing out our figurative individual candles.  We are still individual people.  Yes, we are married, but neither of us plans to lose our identity in any way. Second...after the ceremony?  That candle gets blown out.  And thrown in a closet.  If it was the fucking Olympic torch and burned forever, maybe it would make sense.  But the statement, "this candle represents your marriage!" followed by blowing the candle out 20 minutes later? Not a statement I want to make. Also, I went to a wedding where it was windy and the candle blew out.  Bad symbol. So, no, we're not having a unity candle.  /rant
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

All excellent points, and this is why the unity candle thing was NMS as well.

I hate the idea of the candles being junk to throw in a closet. So for our little variation on it, we used some beautiful candlesticks that my mom had bought for us. They're ours to keep, and we'll get them out at special occasions to use at the table. Few people will know their meaning, but they'll be special and useful to us.

FutureMrsTR

We won't be doing a sand ceremony or a unity candle.  Our ceremony is going to be outdoors in August so we're keeping it as short as possible.  We also don't need any more "stuff" sitting around so there's that, too.

pumpkinpumpkin

I don't like the Unity Candle. I like sand ceremonies - kinda. What I don't like about the Unity Candle is that the flame goes out...eventually burns out, right? It seems kinda contradictory to the meaning.

scoetto

We did a sand ceremony. We had 2 small bottles that we were supposed to use to pour into layers in the bigger "us" bottle. My friends who set up the venue ahead of time forgot the funnel we needed to pour the sand into all the bottles. Needless to say, sand got EVERYWHERE but some of it made it into the big bottle. It didn't layer - it just mixed together. The next day we took the mixed sand from the big bottle and funneled it into the two smaller bottles, then took the leftover unmixed sand and layered together in the bigger bottle. We have them all on display. /story.

mandybear7

FI's grandmother bought our Unity Candle and tapers right when we got engaged. She just passed away and even though the ceremony isn't until July, we are definitely using them.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unity-candles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:860591ad-95b7-40aa-99fc-f0f98f51f204Post:1b085187-1347-405f-ac7c-dfb90672ef39">Re: Unity Candles?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm iffy on unity candles and definitely don't understand sand.  Brie makes an excellent point.
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

The other thing I like about the sand is that if you pour it right, the colors only mix slightly but not entirely.  So the whole symbolism is that you are together but remain apart/individuals.