How is this for tacky.....

Lechillura

My fiance has had a friend since gradeschool.   They are in their early 40's now.  (So long time, right?)

The friend still lives in their original hometown, Detroit.  We however live in Florida.

We receive an invitation to their wedding about a month in advance.  No Save the Date, no facebook warning, etc.... nothing.

Fiance wants to attend because it's a childhood friend of many years.

We book two flights, hotel, arrange rental car, buy new clothes, etc...   so about 2k so far.

So literally - a few days before, we get a message that we are also invited to another big party are hosting which is sort of a big deal.

We decide, ok. We take a financial penalty and change our flights costing us another couple hundred bux.

Now meanwhile, this couple is by far not cookie cutter.  They are both massive hipsters, he has a masive retro horror movie collection (not the movies, but set creations, etc) worth tons. Their house is completely outrageous, etc... Like I said, NOT cookie cutter at all.

We bring a beautiful card to the wedding.  We state in the card:  Gift will follow in the mail.  Reason why, we ordered them something really unique and off the wall that they would love.  It wasn't finished in time.  It was a Rock N Roll artist, etc..  

We arrived in town the day before and I even helped the bride set some things up.  FYI, I have never met either of them as they were/are not my friends.

So about 3 weeks later, we get a card in the mail.  It looks like it's written in red crayon. (no joke).  It states:   Thanks for the gift.

WOW 

Nothing about thank you for coming to our wedding even tho we changed plans, gave you no notice, etc... 

So now it's our turn and we are getting married.  A few other mutual friends asked if we were inviting him. We stated no.  It really put a huge crink in the friendship and was super tacky.  He even mentioned to mutual friends we didn't bring a gift.

Which by the way - we sent the gift when it was complete, alerted them in our card and the gift was kicka$$.   No thank you card or anything after.

So personally fiance is up in the air and more forgiving.  I don't want this punk at my wedding. 

Am I over exaggerating?  I know for sure this will put the nail in the coffin for sure and the friendship will be 100% over. 

Jen4948

I don't think you're over-exaggerating.  I wouldn't want to invite these people either.

StephBeanWed61502

The couple's handling of the thank you situation was clearly very tacky, but you also sound EXTREMELY judgmental of the couple, and like you probably would be looking for reasons to dislike them even if their etiquette was perfect. Regardless of your feelings about this guy. I think because this is an old friend of FI's, this is his relationship to handle and his call to make, not yours. At the end of the day, they didn't try to kill you, they didn't punch you in the face or kick your dog, they just sent late invitations and crappy thank you notes. I don't think that's enough to justify you demanding your FI end a 20+ year friendship when he's inclined to forgive and move on.

Lechillura

You are right. They didn't owe us a thank you card for their wedding yet they made to send a card in the mail staying in crayon:   Thank you for your gift. 

Which to me was a big FU. As if we were tacky for not bringing something?   Who does this?? 

And then we did send them a killer and extremely rare, personalized gift and we never received so much a thank you.  

This is why I have zero interest.  I don't know - if I see them, I may let my Sicilian tongue slip.   I only want people who we love in our lives.  They are not on that list.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-is-this-for-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:88601c81-7197-4ad6-81ff-8d69e1c16519Post:deebf560-2bde-4936-9f55-9993671dbf76">Re: How is this for tacky.....</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I understand being upset about not getting a thank you for the gift and the tacky badmouthing you before he received it, but honestly they didn't owe you a thank you card for traveling to their wedding, since that's what the party and reception were.  So, I think you're letting being upset about spending so much to go to their wedding color this a bit. I agree that their behavior was incredibly rude, but if your FI wants to forgive them and remain friends, I don't think this is a hill worth dying on.  Invite them to your wedding and make sure to give a PROPER thank you for their gift and in a timely manner.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Jen4948

Unfortunately, your fiance still loves them despite their rudeness.

You might ask him to make another big concession to you in exchange for inviting them.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-is-this-for-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88601c81-7197-4ad6-81ff-8d69e1c16519Post:98668c69-3838-4a9b-a433-5d63ffb1c225">Re: How is this for tacky.....</a>:
[QUOTE]You are right. They didn't owe us a thank you card for their wedding yet they made to send a card in the mail staying in crayon:   Thank you for your gift.  Which to me was a big FU. As if we were tacky for not bringing something?   Who does this??  And then we did send them a killer and extremely rare, personalized gift and we never received so much a thank you.   This is why I have zero interest.  I don't know - if I see them, I may let my Sicilian tongue slip.   I only want people who we love in our lives.  They are not on that list. In Response to Re: How is this for tacky..... :
Posted by Lechillura[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Honestly, I think you are reading WAAAAAY too much into the thank you.  My guess is that they sent the same lame-ass thank you to everybody regardless of whether they brought a gift to the wedding or sent it later.  Lazy-ass, mass-produced, non-personalized thank yous are becoming a horrifically tacky wedding trend.  I think they WERE trying to thank you, they just suck at it.  </div><div>
</div><div>And again, I reitierate, <em>you do not get to decide who your husband is friends with</em>.  He's an adult, with his own relationships, and unless the person in question has caused your or him physical or financial harm (i.e., they smacked you around or stole from you), I don't think it's appropriate for you to be telling your FI who he can and can't have a relationship just because you don't like someone.  If FI wants these people at the wedding, the mature, grown-up thing to do is respect that it's his call, send them an invitation, and receive them graciously if they do come to the wedding.

</div>

Lechillura

StephBeanWed - Hmm  How did I come off as judgemental of them?

I was trying to give as much info about them and their lifestyle.  We are also hardcore music people so I wanted to show that I did put creativity in choosing their gift.  My fiance didn't do it, I did. I contacted an incredible artist to create something of their fave band for their house.  I came to the wedding and helped out and asked many times to put me to work since there was a lot of DIY.  I have zero judegement of them, their life, etc...

I am by far not judgmental of them.  What I did judge was how they handled etiquette since this is an etiquette forum.

We have a TON of mutual friends.  They all know what happened and none of them received the same Thank you card.  I promise this has come up and been discussed.  I adore all of his friends.  We get along very much, even some of fiances ex's.   They have all even mentioned they are disturbed on how this friend handled it. 

Where did I come off as trying to dislike them?  For real? 

I tried to state the facts. 

I get the fact I can't dictate who I can tell him who his friends are.  That is his choice and I never have.

However - we are having a small wedding and there are plenty of local family members I can't even invite.  I have a big amazing family and trust me, I would rather have supportive people than jerks.  I would rather have people I love who we can't invite than snide people who have been talking about us behind our backs and sent a nasty card.

And fiance isn't happy about them.  It hurt him immensely.  This guy isn't a friend really anymore because of other private things I don't care to mention. My fiance is a sentimental guy so it came down to this.

Actually - there isn't an argument on this between us. There aren't demands.  I stated previously I have zero interest in inviting them but it was up to him.

The reason I came on was once again, this was an etiquette board and this was a doosey I thought. 

mysi019

If he wants to invite them I say let him do it. Its one day...look at it this way. You live in Fl and they live in Mi. You could possibly never have to see them again after your wedding. I think that if the thank you card came before you sent them the gift and no one else got the same thank you card. Then ya they were really tacky and rude. Yes they dont have to personalily thank you for flying across the country to attend their wedding but why wouldnt you. I am not married yet but plan on making it a point to thank every guest for coming to my wedding whether they flew there or not. PPl are busy, they got spouses, kids, jobs, bills, etc and its a big deal I think if someone makes the time to celebrate with you, you do owe them a thank you. But remember if you do invite them to the wedding, be respectful, be polite, send them one hell of a thank you card. Just be the bigger person. Some people are just plan rude

Lechillura

Thanks for your note and nice perspective.  You are right.

I am not going to suggest but I will leave it up to him. Like I said, I would much rather invite family who we can't invite right now. I seriously doubt they would even come but it would be interesting to send the invite and see if they even respond.

I really wouldn't make a scene. I am classier than that. But internally.. not so classy LOL!

And yes - you get it.  They sent a card before receiving the gift. And it stated:  Thank you for your gift.   Very very passive agressive and tacky.   And the fact it was scribbled in crayon looks like crazyville to me.

My post was more of a "Who does this"  - rather than a question.

It just threw me for a loop.

And you are right - I didn't really expect to receive a thank you for coming.  However I would absolutely thank people for taking time off work, flying across country, getting a hotel, etc...   Just for the shear fact that it takes love and effort to do so.

I wasn't expecting a thank you for coming.  But I wasn't expecting a thank you for a gift we hadn't received yet.   It just felt like a big Eff-U to both of us.

My fiance was flabergasted as was I.




In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-is-this-for-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:88601c81-7197-4ad6-81ff-8d69e1c16519Post:541155b8-6e56-4257-afc2-6f80eb929e85">Re: How is this for tacky.....</a>:
[QUOTE]If he wants to invite them I say let him do it. Its one day...look at it this way. You live in Fl and they live in Mi. You could possibly never have to see them again after your wedding. I think that if the thank you card came before you sent them the gift and no one else got the same thank you card. Then ya they were really tacky and rude. Yes they dont have to personalily thank you for flying across the country to attend their wedding but why wouldnt you. I am not married yet but plan on making it a point to thank every guest for coming to my wedding whether they flew there or not. PPl are busy, they got spouses, kids, jobs, bills, etc and its a big deal I think if someone makes the time to celebrate with you, you do owe them a thank you. But remember if you do invite them to the wedding, be respectful, be polite, send them one hell of a thank you card. Just be the bigger person. Some people are just plan rude
Posted by mysi019[/QUOTE]

MrsKathyC

I'm curious, do you know for sure they received your gift?

lyndausvi

IDK, I have a hard time ending a 30 year old friendship with a person over an F'n TY note.  

They are weird, a quirky.  They are into horror and wrote a TY in red crayon... sounds like it was to looks like 'blood".  Not my style (and lame), but I think it goes along with their personalities.   While it does seem like they were mass produced, they did get them out in 3 weeks, that is pretty impressive.  Some cookie cutter couples NEVER get anything out, let alone in 3 weeks.

And you really told them your present was "kicka$$"? Who does that?   Maybe it was cool to you, but they might have been "meh" about it.   It sucks when you think a gife is so cool and thoughtful the recipient doesn't.  It's happened to me, it's such a let down. Big bubble burst, but not a thing to lose a friendship over.

StephBeanWed61502

The reason I said you came across as judging was because you included a TON of completely irrelevant extraneous information about their lifestyle in your post.  Being "hipsters" who are into horror and "not at all cookie-cutter" has nothing to do with "Hey, my FI's friend of 30 years gave us super-short notice about his wedding that we had to travel cross-country to, and then sent us a cr@ppy thank you note."  What's the point in including it in a post that's meant to get a bunch of internet strangers to agree with you that they suck, unless you think it's further evidence that they suck?

[Deleted User]

Question - Has your fiance considered talking to his friend and saying "hey, we found that really offensive. What was up with that?" I mean, seriously, if they've been friends for 20 years, I think this whole drama could possibly be avoided by him picking up a phone instead of both sides talking to mutual friends behind each others backs...

kmmssg

I also wonder about why your FI hasn't just talked to the guy.  I will admit, I would be pisssed if I got a thank you note prior to the receipt of the gift - I do see the passive agressive thing here.  Why would they send you such a wierd note for a gift they had not even received?

I really think your Fi should call the guy and talk about it.  A 10 minute call could clear the air here and fix things.

j-harvey

I have a different view than most pp. I don't think that was an invitation; I think that was a gift grab , especially since you were the only 1 in your group who got the crayon thank you note. FI gets to decide if he continues the friendship, or how he handles this, Or if they are invited. My rule on these things is " I will Not interfere with the friendship but I won't be your sounding board if they continue to do hurtful things."

Lechillura

Fiance is pissed but he is more sentinmental about it.

The note was passive agressive - it was sribbled like it was angry - not whimsical or childlike. Why send a thank you for the gift note when you hadn't received a gift yet. 
And the reason we knew others didn't have the same note.... well fiance asked another 2 friends. They are a big group of guys who have known each other since they were kids.  This groom has always been a bit "off" - personal things I won't post.  So he was curious if this was just him who received it.

I never told them my gift was kicka$$ - I just know it was.  Once again - we all have mutual friends and they all still live up there. They all visit their house and the art is hung on their wall in their living room and the couple raved about it. It's one of their fave artists.  It wasn't cookie cutter.  The reason I added so much info was to explain the thought that went into the gift.  A frame or ice bucket from pottery barn wouldn't have cut it.  And they didn't register anyway.  So I thought proving more detail would help. Obviously not.

anyways - it doesn't matter.   Many other people thought it was tacky.
I didn't really need validation. I was posting my experience which we found weird and off.

There was another post recently of how to address cards that were empty.  I was showing what happened to us. 

Whether or not they are invited to our wedding is honestly not even the point.  I don't need input on that - it's up to him.  I wouldn't tell him to get rid of a friendship... he is leaning that way on it's own.  For other reasons besides the wedding.  Things I don't to explain on here.

I am moving on now about ... I don't need to beat the dead horse.  I just think it was really odd wedding etiquette.

unchatenfrance

My rule of thumb: If you receive an OOT wedding invitation a month in advance, you've been B-listed.

alk0511

OP -

I feel like you just want to hear this from posting your experience:

"OMGeeee!!  You and your FI are so awesome for getting them this totally kicka$$ gift!!  I wish I had friends like you two to get me a gift like that for my wedding!  You guys were totally thoughtfull and that so-called "friend" of your FI really SUX!"

Yes, it is rude that they gave you such a generic card.  But it happened.  I agree with PPs that it's really not something worth getting all up in arms over.  My FI and I got the generic photo with printed thank you note from a recent wedding we attended.  I even took the time to look on the back and in the evenlope to see if maybe, just maybe, they wrote a lil' extra personalization.  Alas, nothing.  We're all still friends.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to Re:How is this for tacky.....:Fiance is pissed but he is more sentinmental about it. The note was passive agressive it was sribbled like it was angry not whimsical or childlike. Why send a thank you for the gift note when you hadn't received a gift yet.nbsp; And the reason we knew others didn't have the same note.... well fiance asked another 2 friends. They are a big group of guys who have known each other since they were kids.nbsp; This groom has always been a bit "off" personal things I won't post.nbsp; So he was curious if this was just him who received it. I never told them my gift was kicka I just know it was.nbsp; Once again we all have mutual friends and they all stillnbsp;live up there.nbsp;They all visit their house and thenbsp;art is hung on their wall in their living room and the couple raved about it. It's one of their fave artists.nbsp; It wasn't cookie cutter.nbsp; The reason I added so much info was to explain the thought that went into the gift.nbsp; A frame or ice bucket from pottery barn wouldn't have cut it.nbsp; And they didn't register anyway.nbsp; So I thought proving more detail would help. Obviously not. anyways it doesn't matter.nbsp;nbsp; Many other people thought it was tacky. I didn't really need validation. I was posting my experience which we found weird and off. There was another post recently of how to address cards that were empty.nbsp; I was showing what happened to us.nbsp; Whether or not they are invited to our weddingnbsp;is honestly not even the point.nbsp; I don't need input on that it's up to him.nbsp; I wouldn't tell him to get rid of a friendship... he is leaning that way on it's own.nbsp; For other reasons besides the wedding.nbsp; Things I don't to explain on here. I am moving on now about ... I don't need to beat the dead horse.nbsp; I just think it was really odd wedding etiquette. Posted by Lechillura You are so full of schit with this post it's actually funny. You specifically stated in your OP that you don't want these two at your wedding and asked us whether you were "over exaggerating." After the first few comments didn't go your way, you persisted in trying to tell us more things about how HORRIBLE this couple's etiquette is to win us over. Now that your additions to the story changed no one's mind and the board has continued to tell you that yes, most of us think you are indeed overreacting, you are trying to play it off like "of course I wasn't REALLY going to stop my FI from inviting his friend of 30 years over a bad thank you note, I just thought it was weird etiquette and THAT'S why I was sharing." Come the fluck on. You posted this so a bunch of people would jump in and squeal "OMG I can't believe you were treated that way! What ungrateful bastards! You should TOTALLY ban your FI from ever speaking to those dirty hipsters ever again!" and now that that didn't happen, you're trying to pretend that wasn't your motive. Get real.

LesPaul

I'd invite them.  Maybe you'll get a kicka$$ gift, and you can reciprocate with a scribbled crayon thank you note?

SmallenForever

Meh, I'd be really hurt too if I went to so much effort to give someone a gift and they couldn't even write me a decent thank you note. 

wrigleyville

STDs are not required. They are a relatively new thing and usually reserved for VIPs just in case the budget/plans change. Facebook STDs are tacky.

An invitation is not a summons. You didn't HAVE to spend $2000 or buy them a gift. You chose to do that. Don't hold that against them. If a month was short notice, you could have declined. Instead, you're whining about it.

I agree the thank you note sounds tacky, especially since they hadn't received their gift yet, but it's not worth ending a friendship over.

If there are other issues, then I suppose your FI can drop this friend, but then why post here? It sounds like you've already made up your mind and just want to vent. LiveJournal is that way. ------ />

thejucheidea

I wouldn't want hipsters at my wedding either. Unfortunately I have to invite my sister.

But in the end, it's up to your fiancé, as it is his friend.

Lisa50

I've read every post in this thread (thanks to wrigleyville for pointing out STD and FB crap) and this thought keeps popping up: at least they sent a thank you note. 

I am obsessive about sending thank you notes, so any thank you note I receive is appreciated.  Believe me, I've given more than one wedding gift that has gone unacknowledged.  Move on.

FutureMrsMDJahnke

It sounds to me like they wanted to get all the thank yous out, and didn't want to actually wait for the gift. You had mentioned there was a gift coming so they thank you for it before they got it. I don't think it was passive aggressive...just lazy.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-is-this-for-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88601c81-7197-4ad6-81ff-8d69e1c16519Post:59a2d46e-cf7d-49ab-80f0-3a0321cffd08">Re: How is this for tacky.....</a>:
[QUOTE]STDs are not required. They are a relatively new thing and usually reserved for VIPs just in case the budget/plans change. Facebook STDs are tacky. An invitation is not a summons. You didn't HAVE to spend $2000 or buy them a gift. You chose to do that. Don't hold that against them. If a month was short notice, you could have declined. Instead, you're whining about it. I agree the thank you note sounds tacky, especially since they hadn't received their gift yet, but it's not worth ending a friendship over. If there are other issues, then I suppose your FI can drop this friend, but then why post here? It sounds like you've already made up your mind and just want to vent. LiveJournal is that way. ------ />
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

<div>This is my feeling.  While yes, it's nice to let people know casually that there's a wedding coming up, STDs are not at all required, nor is an affirmative response to an invitation.  Spending $2000 to go to their wedding was entirely your peresonal choice, and complaining about it sot of rubs me the wrong way.</div>

Ajuliana

I will one up that thank you card.  Went to a wedding where #1, I didn't receive a thank you note EVER after even though I gave a gift separate from my family, and #2, other family members who did get one received a picture collage of the couple (mass produced) with the words "Thank you" PRINTED on them.  They didn't even sign their names.  And they only had 100-130 people there, mostly families.  

NO2012

I just had a similar situation in that there is a friend of FI's that I do not care for and I know he and his wife are not supportive of our relationship. It is his long time friend. I will not go into all of the details, but I did NOT want to invite them to our wedding. FI insisted and I had to respect his wishes as these people had never done anything outwardly disrespectful to me and as PPs have stated it was his friendship and his decision to handle. It always bugged me but I had to let it go and do it. These people, especially the friend's wife, showed their true colors on our wedding day and without me having to do a thing, FI decided they are crossed off his list so to speak and will not continue the friendship. Of course I wished they were never there in the first place, and luckily their presence did not disturb my wedding day, but it was FI's friendship and decision. Let him make the decision and in the end you'll be glad it won't be on you.

pokepoke27

OP - I think you're just being all around crappy about this. They were crappy to send a lazy TY, but you holding on to your grudge for this long is....crappy.