Family torn over my father's boyfriend...

[Deleted User]

Hi. My name is Tammy and I just got engaged last week to my boyfriend, whom I've been dating for almost 6 years. My parents are divorced and have been since I was a child. Shortly after the divorce, my father revealed to all of us that he was gay. He has not had a boyfriend in over 10 years and recently met someone much younger than him from Thailand. He says this boy is the love of his life and wants to marry him in California by the end of this year. I'm ok with that. All fine and dandy. 

My father knew my fiance was proposing and hadn't heard anything from my mom so he called her the other day and he told me that my mom told him that my fiance had proposed but there was a snag, that his family did not want my father's young boyfriend to attend the wedding, they wanted my father to go alone. This was not true at all. My fiance's family does not even know my dad is gay and that he has a very young boyfriend. According to my mom, she tried to tell him that I personally didn't care if he brought his boyfriend to my wedding but my father freaked out and started screaming that he was sick of hiding and changing his life for us girls, it was time for that to stop and we all needed to accept that he is gay and hung up on my mom.

I have since talked to him and he is now saying he does not want to come to my wedding, he told his boyfriend what my mother told him and now his boyfriend doesn't ever want to meet us and is also mad at him and he doesn't care when my wedding is, he's not going and the damage has been done. He said my mom told him everyone was worried he would be all over his boyfriend at the reception and cause a scene and make others uncomfortable.

He was not the world's best father my whole life but I feel bad about how it all transpired and I know my mom feels guilty as well for lying. She said to me, "he's going to hate me and think I'm changing the way you see him." She would only say this if she knew she lied to my father because SHE didn't want his boyfriend there. I don't know what to do or say to him to get him to change his mind and attend my wedding. Sotty this is long, but I would like some realistic advice, please. Thanks!

ohwhynot

Suuuuuuuuure. 

[Deleted User]

I'm from Ohio............................

MattsPenguin

How interesting that someone *cough*LC*cough* was complaining about no crazypants threads recently, and here is an interesting one . . . MUD?

My advice would be to call your dad and set the record straight.  Talk it out.

arv266

I think the only thing that you can tell him is the truth.  Third party information is never very effective or efficient.  If you want to know what your dad is feeling, you need to ask him, not get bits and pieces from your Mom. 

If you want him there with his boyfriend, then you need to tell him that.  That's really all you can do.  To be honest, given what you have said about your relationship, its all that I would do.  I would not go over and above to soothe him, as there is nothing that you did to personally attack him. 

Other than the BF part, do you want him there?

louisvillebride21

Maybe I'm jaded, but this is *not* the craziest thing I've ever seen on here. By a longshot.

Celles

Your mom created this situation, so she needs to attempt to fix it by coming clean to your dad.  If he continues to hold her lie against you after you've both tried to reach out to him, there's really nothing else you can do. 

I'm sure the divorce was hard on your mom and all, but it sounds like she and your dad both need to grow up and let your wedding be about you -- not about your mom "getting even" or your dad crusading for acceptance. 

[Deleted User]

Thanks for calling me "crazy pants"......really makes me feel better about my already messed up situation. You're SO awesome, dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-torn-over-fathers-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:88632868-d42e-4b40-b602-1394e42c2cf1Post:970ea28f-f6f9-4b42-b761-c24cf83e8271">Re: Family torn over my father's boyfriend...</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm jaded, but this is *not* the craziest thing I've ever seen on here. By a longshot.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

That's true, but I always have to wonder, of all the wedding boards, why would someone come in to the "Etiquette" board with this type of drama?  Why not chit-chat or "Moms and Maids" or "Wedding Woes"? 

It doesn't seem like an etiquette question AT ALL, so why would a real brides' first post be to E?  That strongly suggests MUD to me. 

ETA:  Wedding in June 2014 also suggests MUD to me, esp. since they've been together for 6 years. 

If I'm wrong, I will apologize. 

squirrly

Where in Ohio?  Is there a lot of modeling in Philly?

And, I concur with OWN's analysis.

If it is real - call your father.  Talk to him.  Visit. 

georgia_bride09

Call him like an adult and set the record straight.








I need to make a jpg I can C&P that says "Not Rocket Science" for posts like these.

texagj

Oh my goodness why does it matter? The girl just wants some advice. Heaven forbid she post on the wrong board. If it bothers you so much send her a private message kindly suggesting where she should post it instead of bashing her for the world to see.

This is a tough situation and i'm sorry your going through it. I think if it means alot for him to be there than you should tell him what going on..if he doesn't want to talk to you about it, try an email or letter. If you have made an effort then you have done your part and if he is still refusing that is on him. You need to enjoy your special day  

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-torn-over-fathers-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88632868-d42e-4b40-b602-1394e42c2cf1Post:7f2de34e-9495-4420-b65d-35360044840c">Re: Family torn over my father's boyfriend...</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my goodness why does it matter? The girl just wants some advice. Heaven forbid she post on the wrong board. If it bothers you so much send her a private message kindly suggesting where she should post it instead of bashing her for the world to see. This is a tough situation and i'm sorry your going through it. I think if it means alot for him to be there than you should tell him what going on..if he doesn't want to talk to you about it, try an email or letter. If you have made an effort then you have done your part and if he is still refusing that is on him. You need to enjoy your special day :)  
Posted by texagj[/QUOTE]
Hold your horses, there buddy. No one said she couldn't post it here. We post non etiquette related crap all the time. It was just a point of curiosity as to why someone who's never posted here would pick this board in particular to post this question on. Don't be douchey.

georgia_bride09

[QUOTE]Oh my goodness why does it matter? The girl just wants some advice. Heaven forbid she post on the wrong board. If it bothers you so much send her a private message kindly suggesting where she should post it instead of bashing her for the world to see. This is a tough situation and i'm sorry your going through it. I think if it means alot for him to be there than you should tell him what going on..if he doesn't want to talk to you about it, try an email or letter. If you have made an effort then you have done your part and if he is still refusing that is on him. You need to enjoy your special day :)  
Posted by texagj[/QUOTE]

::pats texasgj on the head::

MattsPenguin

LVB - I didn't think it was so crazy, but a lot of text explaining some drama as her first post?  Sounds a bit odd.

Sorry to offend, I was quoting LC regarding her wish for "crazypants" threads.  I just said that yours was an interesting one.  KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!

Celles

Tex -- it isn't that she posted on the "wrong" board, it's that most of us don't think she's real. 

But I don't care.  I'm bored.  I'll take MUD in lieu of more spreadsheets. 

[Deleted User]

Oh, I'm sorry. Since you seem to know me personally and all, it seems you are also a KIA. That's MY lingo for "know-it-all".

I don't want your apology and I'm glad I could provide some entertainment for you with my all-too-true problem. I will never use this board again.

I thought this was to get advice from "grown-ups", not to be told that my stuff was "made up drama"  because I'm not asking about run of the mill, boring, everyday, mondane wedding crap.

Should have known the quality of this board when the "moderator" was more concerned that my username said the word "ohio" in it and I'm in Philly.....like that has anything to do with anything.......................???

OMG......I, like, totally posted this in the wrong board......like, call the blog police!!!!!! Get a life!! Maybe you're made up? Who knows??

squirrly

texas, we get fake posters on here from time to time.  Regs who want to have a little fun with people will post under a different SN to spice things up.  Or, people from another board will do that. 

Now, I like things to be interesting.  But, I prefer that the fake stuff be believeable.  And this one is a real stretch, for all the reasons above. 

Also, usually, if somebody posts a huge long epistle, their followups aren't 1 sentence each.  Andplusalso, by now, a real poster would have told us that she feels sorry for our FIs/Hs. 

So, she's free to post here.  But we're free to believe she's not being truthful in some capacity as well.

Plus, I gave her legit advice - call him.  

ohwhynot

Tex, if I believed this was a real person with a real problem, I'd have no problem with her posting here.  You missed my point entirely - I think this is someone trying to have a bit of fun with us.  I don't believe she or Mustafa are real people who are getting married in 2014, much less that she's a supermodel in Ohio or anywhere else. 

In addition to the other odd things about her post, it seems strange that OP and her fi have been together for 6 years but her fi's family doesn't know her dad is gay. 

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-torn-over-fathers-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88632868-d42e-4b40-b602-1394e42c2cf1Post:0a032b53-feae-41be-aff5-7f6c237ab4a2">Re: Family torn over my father's boyfriend...</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, I'm sorry. Since you seem to know me personally and all, it seems you are also a KIA. That's MY lingo for "know-it-all". I don't want your apology and I'm glad I could provide some entertainment for you with my all-too-true problem. I will never use this board again. I thought this was to get advice from "grown-ups", not to be told that my stuff was "made up drama"  because I'm not asking about run of the mill, boring, everyday, mondane wedding crap. Should have known the quality of this board when the "moderator" was more concerned that my username said the word "ohio" in it and I'm in Philly.....like that has anything to do with anything.......................??? OMG......I, like, totally posted this in the wrong board......like, call the blog police!!!!!! Get a life!! Maybe you're made up? Who knows??
Posted by supermodelinohio[/QUOTE]
The blog police. That's exactly who I'm calling. They're gonna burst through your door at any second.

Also, if you need a group of internet strangers to tell you what any normal person would have figured out for themselves (ie, call your freakin dad), then you're a fine one to debate who's grown up in this situation.

georgia_bride09

YOU GOT ADVICE, CRAZY PERSON IN PHILLY, OHIO!!

squirrly

And, it's not a blog.  It's a message board.

AND YOU GOT ADVICE. 

Celles

I gave advice. 

laurenclaire1386

gaywar.

squirrly

Then mail him a letter?  Communicate. 

georgia_bride09

Ellipses.......... stop abusing them.

[Deleted User]

1. I'm not a model. Its called a "username"

2. We are getting married in 2011. I must have selected the wrong number. I just got engaged last week.

3. My fiance is from Damascus, Syria. His name is Mustafa.

4. My soon to be in-laws don't know he's gay because my father didn't want them to know and said until we were married, my fiance's family didn't need to know.

Anything else you want to know?

georgia_bride09

Also, if you don't share pertinent details, we can't give good advice based on a complete scenario. That was your fault, not ours.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-torn-over-fathers-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88632868-d42e-4b40-b602-1394e42c2cf1Post:ea81242b-1d6d-474d-9d30-ebd9188b5fbb">Re: Family torn over my father's boyfriend...</a>:
[QUOTE]Did it ever occur to anyone that I wanted advice from someone outside my family/circle who was in no way "swayed" in either direction? Think of it as a "random sample"........statistics??? I can't just "call my freaking dad". <strong>I don't have to give you ALL the details like he lives in the middle east and has no reliable way to call him.</strong> If it was THAT easy, I would have done it already. I thought maybe there was someone else out there who shared my plight. That;s all. Sorry that I joined in June but didn't post until now. My bad.
Posted by supermodelinohio[/QUOTE]
That would have been pertinent info in your OP. Look, you either want to share details, or you don't. But don't get pissed off because we didn't know your dad doesn't have easy access to a phone.

[Deleted User]

Didn't know all that was "pertinent" and was needed to be known before you guys started saying my situation was "made up drama"....................... and that I'm a "fake poster"......................................

georgia_bride09

Where did someone say your FI's family needed to know anything about your dad? I'm confused as to your indignation about that.