Addressing Invites

Gumby68

I feel like this should be incredibly simple, but I'm completely baffled on addressing my invites. I'm not doing inner envelopes, so I need to make sure everyone is listed on the outer envelopes, but I'm getting a lot of conflicting information as to how to do this. My Fi doesn't like to address people as Mr. & Mrs. Smith, so we will need to have the wifes name listed also. 

Could someone please explain how to address an invite to John & Jane Doe who have children Jimmy & Joey and live at 123 Main St, New York, New York 12345? 

Kate61487

This depends on the formality of your wedding.  A truly formal affair should be:

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
Mr. James Smith
Mr. Joseph Smith

or

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
The Messrs. Smith

If it's informal it could be more like:
Jane and John Smith
Jimmy and Joey

There honestly are a lot of options in-between. There's an old rule that a man should never be separated from his surname so Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith is "wrong" It should be Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Smith, but I personally prefer the first as it just feels like it flows better.

classyashley918

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_addressing-invites-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:898c56d4-d175-40c7-9938-903a2bec2448Post:2bd67dd8-b6af-4895-a0a1-8b8b83d516fe">Addressing Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like this should be incredibly simple, but I'm completely baffled on addressing my invites. I'm not doing inner envelopes, so I need to make sure everyone is listed on the outer envelopes, but I'm getting a lot of conflicting information as to how to do this. My Fi doesn't like to address people as Mr. & Mrs. Smith, so we will need to have the wifes name listed also.  Could someone please explain how to address an invite to John & Jane Doe who have children Jimmy & Joey and live at 123 Main St, New York, New York 12345? 
Posted by Gumby68[/QUOTE]

Typically it should be:

Mr, and Mrs. John Doe
Mr. Jimmy Doe
Mr. Joey Doe

Mrs.  is technically to represent "wife of" or "mistress of" so Mrs. Jane Doe means Jane is the wife of Jane... If you want to separate them it should be:

Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe (the and signifies married, do not use and for unmarried guests)

Children always on separate lines

Gumby68

The wedding isn't super formal, so are we ok to say:

John & Jane Doe

Jimmy Doe

Joey Doe

123 Main St

New York, NY 12345

One of my friends said that including children should be done as:

John & Jane Doe & Family

123 Main St

New York, NY 12345

This seems ok to me, but whenever I was a kid and we got an invitation like that, it made me feel like they couldn't take the time to figure out our names. I'm not sure if that's just my impression or if it is incorrect to address things that way. It does seem easier to say "& Family" for a few of our friends who have 6 children--do they need a separate line for each of the 6 kids?

Sephiroth

People can say all they want that "Mrs" just means "wife of", and therefore no woman should get offended when she's addressed as "Mr. and Mrs John Doe", even when her name is Sarah, dangit - but that doesn't mean that there aren't an awful lot of women these days that absolutely detest that stuff.

And some of them feel pretty vehemently about Ms instead of Mrs. And for the love of all that's holy, don't address women who kept their birth name as Mrs. Hisname Hisname. (And women who hyphenate their names did it on purpose. Don't just drop one of them.)

I agree with your fiance. Having formal invitations does not absolutely require you to ignore the existence of married women's names. Etiquette books from 100 years ago did not contemplate the realities of modern feminism, so looking to them for a advice on how to handle modern naming conventions is particularly misguided.

Etiquette has not settled on a definitive answer for this, so I would be concerned first with being respectful of people's naming choices, and only second with the particular formality of the outer envelope.

Here are some links you might find useful.

http://apracticalwedding.com/2009/02/addressing-wedding-invitations-and/
http://www.brides.com/forums/thread.jspa?messageID=561522

MyNameIsNot

"& family" is wrong.  You're right that it looks lazy.  It can also be confusing.  Will people assume that young adult children are included?  What about live in grandma?  What about the teenager's boyfriend?  

Your first one is fine except that the children don't need to be listed with last names if they have the same last as the parents.  

Sephiroth

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_addressing-invites-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:898c56d4-d175-40c7-9938-903a2bec2448Post:c655269b-7067-4154-8350-367c027aaa07">Re: Addressing Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding isn't super formal, so are we ok to say: John & Jane Doe Jimmy Doe Joey Doe 123 Main St New York, NY 12345 One of my friends said that including children should be done as: John & Jane Doe & Family 123 Main St New York, NY 12345 This seems ok to me, but whenever I was a kid and we got an invitation like that, it made me feel like they couldn't take the time to figure out our names. I'm not sure if that's just my impression or if it is incorrect to address things that way. It does seem easier to say "& Family" for a few of our friends who have 6 children--do they need a separate line for each of the 6 kids?
Posted by Gumby68[/QUOTE]


I wrote my above post without seeing this one. If you're dropping titles, that makes addressing infinitely easier, IMO.

While you can write 'and family', it does occassionally open you up to miscommunications about what exactly qualifies as family... And you're absolutely right, kids often love seeing their names on things.

If you decide to write out names, the kids all go on one line. So:

Jane and John Doe
Amy, Betty, Carl, Darren, Elijah, and Frank Doe

(Technically I think you're supposed to write the last name for each of those, but I think with 6 children you could be forgiven.)

sbc2013

Hopefully someone who can answer this returns to this thread!

If we are going with the formal address, is a female child Ms. or Miss? I have been told that Ms. is only for ladies 18 and over and Miss is for those younger. So in a family with 2 children and the older child is a girl, would it be:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

Miss Susie Doe 

Mr. Samuel Doe

For lack of a better word, it looks "weird" to me that the girl has "Miss" spelled out but the boy is abbreviated "Mr." Should I write out Mister? TIA!

sbc2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_addressing-invites-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:898c56d4-d175-40c7-9938-903a2bec2448Post:2e1867ba-067e-41d5-b26c-4f6f79b09c7b">Re: Addressing Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Addressing Invites : You address the lady as she prefers to be addressed.  It had nothing to do with age, though many people mistakenly think it does.  Miss means unmarried female.  Ms. means female. Mr. , Ms., and Mrs. are the only abbreviations that are allowed on a wedding invitation. Technically, a boy under the age of 12 is addressed as "Master John Doe", but that is almost never used anymore.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>Gotcha, makes sense! Thanks!</div>

Sephiroth

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_addressing-invites-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:898c56d4-d175-40c7-9938-903a2bec2448Post:109d4732-45e4-41db-a9f9-3b9786754180">Re: Addressing Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]The form of address you use for personal mail has nothing to do with the contents of the mail.  You should use titles.<strong> People should be addressed in the manner that THEY prefer, not the manner that YOU prefer! </strong>I prefer Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, and I have used it for 37 years.  Don't try and change my mind now! If someone else prefers being Mrs. Jand Doe and Mr. John Doe (Emily Post's suggestion) then I would certainly addres their mail in that fashion. When in doubt, the default form is the tradition Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.  If you aren't sure, ask.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I could not agree with this more!

It is just as unreasonable for force a Ms or modern name construction on someone who prefers the traditional method as it is to force the traditional on someone who would prefer her first name make an appearance. Unfortunately, this does make the business of addressing invitations a great deal more complex than it used to be, but it's a small price to pay for giving each invitee the respect of being addressed as they wish.

I see far too many guides/advice pages exhorting hosts to use the original traditional form for everyone, no matter what, if the affair is sufficiently formal. Some people are so misinformed on it that they actually believe it is required to use Mr and Mrs John Doe <em>even if the woman did not change her name. </em>There are a (much smaller) number of feminist guides that advocate, unfortunately, the opposite tactic. Which is just as inappropriate.

Gumby68

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_addressing-invites-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:898c56d4-d175-40c7-9938-903a2bec2448Post:109d4732-45e4-41db-a9f9-3b9786754180">Re: Addressing Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]The form of address you use for personal mail has nothing to do with the contents of the mail.  You should use titles. People should be addressed in the manner that THEY prefer, not the manner that YOU prefer! I prefer Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, and I have used it for 37 years.  Don't try and change my mind now! If someone else prefers being Mrs. Jand Doe and Mr. John Doe (Emily Post's suggestion) then I would certainly addres their mail in that fashion. When in doubt, the default form is the tradition Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.  If you aren't sure, ask.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>This makes a lot more sense. I guess I had already planned on doing this as I know some of my friends would look at it funny if I addressed it as Mr. & Mrs. John Doe, but I also have older relatives who would be offended if I didn't address it that way. I planned on doing it differently for the older relatives who would want it that way. </div>

Gumby68

One last question concerning childrens names. Is it acceptable to put each child on their own line if there are one or two, but put them all on the same line if there are 3 or more? It seems like it will look silly if there are four lines or more just to list the invitees names. 

Sephiroth

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_addressing-invites-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:898c56d4-d175-40c7-9938-903a2bec2448Post:510d241c-1f98-49a9-a053-8f02b1690b66">Re: Addressing Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]One last question concerning childrens names. Is it acceptable to put each child on their own line if there are one or two, but put them all on the same line if there are 3 or more? It seems like it will look silly if there are four lines or more just to list the invitees names. 
Posted by Gumby68[/QUOTE]

I'm pretty sure all the kids go on the same line (second line) together. Crane's lists it this way, at least.

I'm assuming we're talking about younger kids. If they are adults, but living at home, they'd get their own invitation.