Inviting people without a plus-one

LauraBNL

For our wedding I want to invite couples as couples but I do not want to let everyone bring a date. ie...I don't want to spend money on some random guy or girl a single friend brings just to bring a plus one. If a friend ends up with a significant other by the wedding they would be welcome to bring them. I have heard of this lately, just wondering how you would present it on an invitation. Would you address it just to the single person?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-people-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8a17d3a9-1865-4f36-b4ee-6ea3554ef158Post:2ed1fc51-f6b2-46ee-87c3-83513149b5a9">Inviting people without a plus-one</a>:
[QUOTE]For our wedding I want to invite couples as couples but I do not want to let everyone bring a date. ie...I don't want to spend money on some random guy or girl a single friend brings just to bring a plus one. If a friend ends up with a significant other by the wedding they would be welcome to bring them. I have heard of this lately, just wondering how you would present it on an invitation. <strong>Would you address it just to the single person?
</strong>Posted by LauraBNL[/QUOTE]

Yes.

IrishBrideND

You just address it to the single person. thats what we did. In a relationship got a date. Random person? No.

allisonpaul86

It might be a nice gesture to allow your bridal party to have a plus 1 even if they are not currently in a relationship.  My fiance and I are doing that.  We figured since they are spending the time and money for our day, we could at least allow them to bring a guest if they would like to.  It's just something we are doing, but I definitely don't think it's a necessity if you don't want to.

stephasuasu

It's so hard to decide who is considered "significant" and who isn't. To be on the safe side, I suggest you give everyone over the age of 18 a plus one. I promise you they will not all bring a date. There may be one or two people that you don't know, but your guests will appreciate the gesture. I have been invited to a wedding once without a date because my friend did not consider my boyfriend of 5 years significant enough. I flew across the country by myself to be at her wedding, luckily I knew a lot of the girls there! That BF is now my husband, and of course I invited her husband to our wedding!

SD3194

I don't agree that you should allow everyone a plus one. If we did that our guest list would go up by about 40 people. I'm just going to address it to that single person. With couples that aren't married I'm just putting both names on the invite. I have 5 people traveling a pretty far distance but they're allowed to bring a plus one regardless if they're a couple or not. Just address your invites on an individual basis.

IrishBrideND

steph: your friend is an idiot. Just because she was an idiot and didn't consider a BF of 5r years "significant" doesn't mean people should go to the other extreme if they don't want to.

squirrly

Significant is in the eye of the beholder.  If your guest views their relationship as a relationship, invite their SO, regardless of whether it's been 2 dates, 2 months, or 2 years - it counts. 

If they truly have no SO, there's no requirement to invite with a guest, although it is more considerate to at least allow OOT guests who will have to stay overnight and those who are in your WP the option of bringing a guest if they are not part of a couple

leah2b

This is a pet peeve of mine.  Personally, I beleive it is rude to invite guests without a plus one, whether they have a partner or not.  Other people can disagree but all I can tell you is that every single time this has come up with friends of mine, people have ALWAYS taken offense.  I just do not agree with inviting people as a single. The main reason people do not allow a date is usually money and I just feel that if you are asking people to take the time and expense to attend your wedding, you should allow them to bring someone with them.  This just seems like common courtesy to me.  Singles do get offended over this, plain and simple.

Summer2011Bride

We are giving plus-ones to those in a relationship. Period. If they are not currently dating someone, they don't get a plus-one. I know from past experience, where I was dating my current FI for only a year, I was often invited without him and he was invited to weddings without me. It sucked b/c we were obviously important to each other. So whether dating 6 months or 6 years, I think you should invite. But like you said, if they are unattached, I don't think it's necessary to let them bring a random person.

Beccalgray

I'm only doing plus one on the invitations that I specifically expect to bring a date. If it's someone who is single, and knows several others at the wedding, I don't think there's any need for them to bring a random date that's never met my fiancée or me. If it's someone who I know is in a relationship, I'll just put both names on the invitation. If it's someone that doesn't know others at the wedding I'd put plus one on theirs just so they're not alone without knowing anyone else there. That's just me personally, but my guest list is already at a maximum, when my venue only allows so many, and I'm serving a meal, I don't want to have to guess who will end up bringing a date and not since a lot of people don't actually RSVP to weddings. 

stephasuasu

I agree with Leah. It does come off as rude to invite adult guests without the option of bringing a date. There is a lot of dancing and socializing at a wedding, and sometimes people feel more comfortable having a date with them, whether it be someone they are seeing or a friend. But of course, as the paying couple, the bride and groom can invite whoever they want. No one can force you to be courteous. I am not single, but if I was it would suck to be snubbed on a date if all my friends that got married decided I wasn't worthy of bringing a date and figured I could just hang with the other girls that I know. Fun. Not. 

I'm not going to say I LOVED the thought of giving a plus one to every adult invited to my wedding and potentially paying $110 extra per date that I may never see my friend with again, but we did it anyways. And in the end I am so glad we did. Guests shell out a lot of money for a wedding, and if they bring a date, most likely they give a little more (at least that's what I noticed when we opened our cards). Also, so many of our guests RSVPed without a date. It was all in their hands, and it was completely up to them if they wanted to come as a single. 

It's pretty harsh to say that if you are not currently dating someone when invitations go out then sorry, no date for you. If everyone did that then I am sure single people would get pretty annoyed with going to all these lame weddings by themselves. 

IrishBrideND

Well I'm sorry some of your friends get offended over a wedding not being a random date function. My friends and I also discuss this and none of my friends would ever even fathom bringing a random person to a wedding.

a) that would freak said random date out. It implies comitment
b) its not fun to have to entertain someone who doesn't know anyone else.

Steph: I am sorry, by the way, that your loved ones throw "lame weddings." I don't think I've been to a "lame wedding" yet. We tend to have pretty fun parties.

I did have a friend who started to get serious with a guy after invites went out. You know what I did? I called her and let her know she was more than welcome to bring the guy. Problem solved.

I cannot fathom being offended at not being able to bring a random person you met 7 minutes ago to someone elses celebation. That is just insane. But even crazier is why would you WANT to bring a random person? That would ruin the fun for me. I'll hang out with my friends and family that I am celebrating the event with instead

Queen Jane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-people-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8a17d3a9-1865-4f36-b4ee-6ea3554ef158Post:ad5720a8-a4d1-4992-bff8-e1d18f905746">Re: Inviting people without a plus-one</a>:
[QUOTE] I did have a friend who started to get serious with a guy after invites went out. You know what I did? I called her and let her know she was more than welcome to bring the guy. Problem solved. I cannot fathom being offended at not being able to bring a random person you met 7 minutes ago to someone elses celebation. That is just insane. But even crazier is why would you WANT to bring a random person? That would ruin the fun for me. I'll hang out with my friends and family that I am celebrating the event with instead ;)
Posted by IrishBrideND[/QUOTE]

This. We have a particular circle of friends, who are all single. They will all be invited without dates because they all know eachother and are very close. In the event that any, or all, of them begin dating someone seriously I have no problem calling htem up and letting htem know it's ok to bring their SO.

stephasuasu

IrishBride, most of the weddings I go to allow a plus one, I am implying that your wedding and the other on here are lame for excluding the dates of their single family members and friends. You say that "My friends and I also discuss this and none of my friends would ever even fathom bringing a random person to a wedding", then why not be courteous and give them the OPTION instead of taking it away from them altogether and assuming they will be alone when you wedding comes around??? They aren't going to tell you to their face that you are a cheapskate for not giving the OPTION of bringing a date, of course they are going to play it off like it is perfectly fine. Thats what friends do. 

You give the option to be courteous, not so you can throw a random date function. There's no excuse for being out of money or space, since these reasons show that you are a poor planner who never considered the fact that your friends dating status could change over the course of months it takes to plan a wedding. If cost per plate at your wedding is what you are worried about, then if it makes you feel better most likely they will give you a larger gift if they bring a date. If space in an issue, then also I can speak from experience that most of our single friends turned down the option of bringing a date anyways (because who really would want to spend the night entertaining a random. ) The whole point of this is that they were given the option, as adults, to make their own decision about whether or not they had someone important that they would like to bring to your precious wedding. 

IrishBrideND

lol. We've talked about it BEFORE I got engaged. So it wasn't an issue of them being afraid to tell me and offend me.

It is what is done in my circle. Random hook ups aren't invited. That is what is done, to be honest, to all celebrations. If I go to a black tie charity event, I've never seen a "plus one" invited. Ever. Its spouses and other significant others. I've never been to a formal celebration of any sort where randoms were invited. Back yard bar-b-q's? Yep. but nor formal events.

As a single person, I would have found it strange.

I still do not see how a wedding is inherently lame for not inviting random people. I went to a friend's bday party at a bar recently. The host didn't invite random people. It was quite fun

But I tend to go to weddings to hang out and party with the people I know and love. So, thats not lame to me.

You do also realize, I hope, that some people have budget and space constraints. Invinting an extra 30 random people might mean they have to cut 30 family members.

I'm all about being polite. Trust me. I'm an etiquette nazi. But I fail to see how this is "polite" in all circles. If its the norm in yours, go for it. But it doesn't make other weddings "lame."

leah2b

I think the point is that, when trying to cut costs, people always zero in on the single folks.  Well, they don't have anyone "important" in their lives so they can suck it up and come single.  I have some friends that are pretty sensitive that they are thirtysomething and single at a time when everybody in their circle is getting married, etc.  Being able to bring one of their good friends with them makes them feel more comfortable in an environment teeming with couples.  Another example, I had an recently divorced Aunt attend my wedding with her half brother whom I have never met.  Even though she knew plently of other people, it probably made her feel more comfortable having a "partner" that was there with her.

I just think that only allowed "married and significant others"  sends out a clear sign to singles that they are valued less.  In most cases, where they are given the option,many may decide to come alone.  Those that feel that they want to bring someone for whatever reason, can do so.

I don't think that weddings are lame by any means, but they often do incur a big expense on guests and they give up their own free time to attend.  In reality, weddings are usually most exciting to the couple themselves.  The reception is a thank you to your guests and allowing everyone to feel comfortable and valued is important.

IrishBrideND

Thats the thing: its not about value. Its simply about social partners. You have to invite a SO because they are part of a social pair. Its not saying that someone without a SO is valued less. I'm sorry that some take it that way, but that is NOT the message being sent.
If I had a friend that struggled with that, i would address it and make sure they felt comfortable and of course let them invite a friend.

Thats the thing: theoretically you are inviting your loved ones so you should be AWARE of situations like this and therefore be able to prevent them.

I'm fairly young. I was the first of my friends to get married, so I didn't have the issue of friends being self conscious about being single.

I still stay it is not necessary in EVERY freaking case to do plus one. It depends on circumstances and norms in your area. Of course its about making your guests feel comfortable, but you have to realize that a plus one isn't necessary to do that in every case. Its the broad generalization that I take issue with.

And I'm still rolling my eyes at the idea that not giving everyone a random hook up or inivte = lame wedding.

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-people-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8a17d3a9-1865-4f36-b4ee-6ea3554ef158Post:0d42a650-ca53-48e9-aed0-7091476138c0">Re: Inviting people without a plus-one</a>:
[QUOTE]Significant is in the eye of the beholder.  If your guest views their relationship as a relationship, invite their SO, regardless of whether it's been 2 dates, 2 months, or 2 years - it counts.  If they truly have no SO, there's no requirement to invite with a guest, although it is more considerate to at least allow OOT guests who will have to stay overnight and those who are in your WP the option of bringing a guest if they are not part of a couple
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]
I have to respectfully disagree. <div>
</div><div>I don't see how someone you've known for 2 dates or even 2 months is an SO.  S stands for significant.  I agree that making that judgement call can be difficult.  Which is why most people choose a reasonable cutoff that will be applied to all.  My invites are going out at the end of May.  If they are not seeing anyone now, then they are not getting invite with a guest.  I feel that is fair.  At the moment, we have very few single guests.  Just about everyone is coming with a SO or their child(over the age of 13).  </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

stephasuasu

The wedding won't be lame to those chosen selected ones that get the privilege of bringing a guest to your wedding, it will be the other single guests looking around the room wondering how they got the axe on the plus-one option. A bride can't have perfect etiquette all the way around, and according to these boards it seems like the "plus one" option to friends and family is often the most neglected courtesy when it comes to planning a wedding. While not a requirement, these are our close friends and family we are talking about here and it would be nice if they had the option (an option that most of them will DECLINE!) It's a win win when you give the option. 

IrishBrideND

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-people-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8a17d3a9-1865-4f36-b4ee-6ea3554ef158Post:7c419eb5-91f5-43d6-a391-2ed2d6ddb50b">Re: Inviting people without a plus-one</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding won't be lame to those chosen selected ones that get the privilege of bringing a guest to your wedding, it will be the other single guests looking around the room wondering how they got the axe on the plus-one option. Posted by stephasuasu[/QUOTE]

Jesus christ. Seriously. You need to relax and realize that not everyone thinks like you do. Chillax.

I don't know what else to say. You don't get tha tnot everyone views weddings as a time to bring a date or is bitter about being single. Do what is right FOR YOUR GUESTS. Its not a one size fits all thing.

IMany of my friends would think I was trying to tell them something by giving them a plus one because its not done in my circle. Therefore, I'm not going to be rude (as my circle dictates) by doing that. I will, in all celebrations, take it as a case by case basis.

People need to use their heads and not think the world is black and white. NEWS FLASH: people can use common sense.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-people-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8a17d3a9-1865-4f36-b4ee-6ea3554ef158Post:7c419eb5-91f5-43d6-a391-2ed2d6ddb50b">Re: Inviting people without a plus-one</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding won't be lame to those chosen selected ones that get the privilege of bringing a guest to your wedding, it will be the other single guests looking around the room wondering how they got the axe on the plus-one option. A bride can't have perfect etiquette all the way around, and according to these boards it seems like the "plus one" option to friends and family is often the most neglected courtesy when it comes to planning a wedding. <strong>While not a requirement, these are our close friends and family we are talking about here and it would be nice if they had the option (an option that most of them will DECLINE!) It's a win win when you give the option. 
</strong>Posted by stephasuasu[/QUOTE]

It's very unwise to tell people to give everyone a guest, since not everyone will bring one.  We offered all of our single guests dates, but were torn on the issue and just finally decided to do it since we had it in our budget.  EVERY ONE OF THEM BROUGHT A DATE.  Some were randoms, some were mutual friends who I wasn't close enough with to bring, but every single "& guest" spot was filled.  So it is seriously horrible advice to tell someone "don't worry just invite them all and they won't all come."  Do you also tell people to over-invite since they can expect a 20% rate of people responding no? 

And I think its incredibly rude of you to call someone's wedding lame because they didn't give guests dates.  Personally I prefer that everyone is offered a date, but I don't think people should sacrifice family members or good friends just so your neighbor can bring his flavor of the week.  Not everyone has unlimited budgets or unlimited space, and some just don't want random strangers at their wedding.  Either way, it doesn't make their wedding lame, and I repeat I think you're incredibly rude to say that it does. 

IrishBrideND

I will add that none of my guests knew less than 15 other people attending the wedding, so its not like they were "alone." I've also never been to a wedding were I didn't know anyone else. Its hard for me to imagine how that would even happen. Wouldn't you know someone else if you were close enough to be invited? IF I wasn't that close the bride/groom, I'd probably decline anyway.

So thats part of it. Weddings, for me, are events where everyone knows tons of people and views it as a giant party to hang out with friends....not an event where they would feel left out or alone. I felt that way when I was single, too.

Hence my comment about using common sense for your situation.

kellyjellybelly

i love baby irish.

balzos01

i agree irishbride! the ridiculousness of the generalization that all should be invited with a guest is absolutely shocking! firstly, etiquette does NOT dictate that all single guests need to be invited with a plus one; secondly, those that disagree with this for some reason attach a stigma to being single and assume that all singles will undoubtedly have an awful time at a wedding simply b/c they're without a date (a wedding is not the time for a first or second date!); of course, exceptions can be made if your guest is out-of-town and knows no one at the wedding, etc; as mentioned before, weddings guests are those close to the bride and groom; with that said, you know your guests and should know if things change by the time wedding invites come out or if there are special circumstances to address.

there's way too much hate in these posts! people do things differently, which is fine b/c it's the bride and groom's special day and shouldn't be the opportunity to bash people if there's disagreement! 

with that said, yes, there is of course always room for exceptions, but there is definitely no need to name-call with "cheapskates" and "lame weddings" because people don't do things your way...

SD3194

I'm inviting about 40 single guys in their early twenties to my wedding. If I allowed them all to bring a date my budget would go out of the window. I absolutely do not agree with "most people will not bring a date anyway" or whatever you said. When I was single and got invited to a wedding with a plus one I would go out of my way to find a date just because I could. I've attended weddings alone where I didn't know anyone and guess what I did? I socialized, met new people and had a blast. Imagine that!

leah2b

I do not think it is shocking to invite every guest with a date.  I think it is a nice thing to do.

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-people-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8a17d3a9-1865-4f36-b4ee-6ea3554ef158Post:ce0e38b6-f1bd-420d-afaa-277603c1d964">Re: Inviting people without a plus-one</a>:
[QUOTE]I do not think it is shocking to invite every guest with a date.  I think it is a nice thing to do.
Posted by leah2b[/QUOTE]
It is nice, but not always feasible.  Giving plus ones to all guests could cost hundreds or thousands of dollars.  Every extra 10 guests is going to cost me at minimum $1,145.  That's for food, drinks, a centerpiece.  Sorry, but I can't afford that.  

leah2b

I understand the cost issue.  My husband and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves as well and we struggled with the guest list.  In the end we decided to invite everyone with a date and to not invite anyone from our jobs (we both work in large offices and i could pick and choose amongst them - I felt it had to be all or none). I

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-people-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8a17d3a9-1865-4f36-b4ee-6ea3554ef158Post:5f68c423-8ea4-4764-a330-fe908e8587f9">Re: Inviting people without a plus-one</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand the cost issue.  My husband and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves as well and we struggled with the guest list.  <strong>In the end we decided to invite everyone with a date and to not invite anyone from our jobs</strong> (we both work in large offices and i could pick and choose amongst them - I felt it had to be all or none). I
Posted by leah2b[/QUOTE]

<div>That's great that you had people you could leave off of the guest list in order to accommodate the extra "plus-ones."  Not everyone is in that situation, though.  J and I already don't have any co-workers on our list.  Am I supposed to cut my family?  My close friends?  So that some of my other close friends who are not in a relationship can bring a random person I have never met?</div>