Asking for a plus one? (long)

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-for-a-plus-one-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ac31fcb-b1fb-4295-8146-6370e523a9b9Post:fd1f28ae-cb9a-4c3a-86d8-0c58e0faeb50">Re: Asking for a plus one? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Had I started dating my FI after the invites to my friends' wedding had gone out, I would have been a little bummed out but understood.  I also would have preferred to have my invite sooner than the typical time frame to appropriately plan for a destination event. Simply Fated- Please don't put "won't count" in quotes, since I did not say that the new relationship has no value, is invalid, is not serious, or does not count as a relationship. 
Posted by ems27[/QUOTE]

<div>There are ways to let people plan to attend a destination event without disregarding years of invitation etiquette. </div><div>
</div><div>Your friend could have sent you a STD, called you, or just told you over lunch, "The wedding is going to be on X date. Of course you'll be invited, so you may want to start booking travel arrangements."</div><div>
</div><div>If you started dating your now-FI more than 6-8 weeks before the wedding (which is when invitations should have been sent), he should be invited.</div>

ems27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-for-a-plus-one-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ac31fcb-b1fb-4295-8146-6370e523a9b9Post:6cff7535-9622-4745-8d48-ff22fe6f526e">Re: Asking for a plus one? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for a plus one? (long) : I put it in quotes because it was a phrase. I wasn't trying to implying you said that, though, and I'm sorry if it came across as that. Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Okay, thank you :-)

brommel

For me, the bottom line, is no.  For a "destination" wedding, I don't think your RSVP was too early - you need to make sure you can plan accordingly for someplace that's not just a drive down the freeway.

And as for 'proper etiquette' if none of your guests are "Mr. John Doe and guest" then I don't think it has anything to do with being a significant other or not ... no one is bringing one, and that should be crystal clear.  If it's not, and she has something to say about it, you shoudl reevaluate how much money you're about to drop on her.

And in regards to her maybe feeling uncomfortable about not knowing anyone, I find excuses like that to be garbage (heard that all during my Vegas bachelor/bachelorette excursion).  If you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to do it, instead of finding an excuse out.

FormerlyAK

Are they living together? If no, I believe Emily Post would say you do not need to invite the plus one:

Emily Post says: "Partners of invited guests must be included in a wedding invitation. This includes couples who are married, engaged, or living together."

FormerlyAK

Also from Emily Post:

Emily Post says: "Allowing single guests who aren’t attached to a significant other to bring a date is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is not required."

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-for-a-plus-one-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ac31fcb-b1fb-4295-8146-6370e523a9b9Post:957a7f6a-5a62-4fb8-b5f2-bd9a400382d3">Re: Asking for a plus one? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Also from Emily Post: Emily Post says: "Allowing single guests who aren’t attached to a significant other to bring a date is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is not required."
Posted by FormerlyAK[/QUOTE]
By 2012's standard, they're attached.

Since Emily Post died, her hell spawn has taken over. I mean, you have to be living together to be considered a legit couple, but honeymoon registries are okay? They're insane.

jmp2004

The point about my brother being gay was that no one is getting a plus one, not even family, that it's not about her choice of SO.  He got his invitation the same time she did, and neither got plus ones.

And no, she is not in the WP, we do not have a WP.  It is us and 7 guests.

And for whoever pointed out my backwards planning, if you have a <$600 budget for dinner and are inviting 40-45 family members to a destination wedding, it actually makes a lot of sense to wait to see who can come before making final plans.  If 20 people had said they would come, our restaurant choice would have been vastly different.  With there being a total of 9 guests, we can splurge on a nicer dinner.  The invitations did state "Dinner to follow," so they knew they would be fed.  And before you crucify me on that, we knew a good portion of them would decline due to financial strain, health issues, etc.  At most 20 people would have rsvp'd yes.

 

And I have actually met the girlfriend, we met a few times at the bar.  If I wanted her there, she would have gotten an invitation, regardless of relationship status to anyone.

jmp2004

Oh, and I never said I was judging the relationship.  It's her life, her choice.  I don't get it because she told me that even though she likes girls, she could never be in a relationship with another woman, but that clearly doesn't mean opinions, attitudes or whatnot can''t change.  If she's happy, awesome, she's gone through some rough stuff.  Doesn't mean that person has to be included at an extremely small wedding.  

And if the SO comes to Vegas, it's not like they couldn't go 5-6 hours apart.  It's Vegas, there's everything in the world to do.  I might feel differently if she was coming to some podunk hole in the wall town by herself, but she's not.

Simply Fated

I said it was backwards planning because it is backwards planning. I mean, it was what you wanted to do, but it was still done backwards.


We're not saying this friend can't go several hours without seeing her SO, we're saying your friend should be invited with the girl she is in the relationship with.


Also, no one here assumed their sexual orientation had anything to do with you not inviting her, but you mentioned something about your family being uncomfortable and your gay brother not being allowed to bring anyone, either, in the same paragraph. We just asked for clarification on what you meant.

jmp2004

And I clarified.

The friend was invited as she was, single.  If invitations were going out now, different story.

Also, fwiw, she didn't even tell us she was in a relationship until she asked if the gf could attend our wedding.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-for-a-plus-one-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ac31fcb-b1fb-4295-8146-6370e523a9b9Post:14a308e8-284b-4c55-9c53-f1641942bfb0">Re: Asking for a plus one? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]And I clarified. The friend was invited as she was, single.  If invitations were going out now, different story. Also, fwiw, she didn't even tell us she was in a relationship until she asked if the gf could attend our wedding.
Posted by jmp2004[/QUOTE]
You sent the invitations out so far in advance, though. How can you not understand that? Regardless of <em>why</em> your RSVP was two months before the wedding, it's still two whole freaking months. And the invitations went out before that. Did you really think everyone was going to keep their relationship statuses as is in that time period? How did you not plan for that?

The fact that she didn't tell you she was in a relationship until she asked if gf could come doesn't really matter. That happened to a friend of mine. I was over the bride's house about two weeks before her wedding (a week before the RSVP deadline) when a mutual friend called to see if "Joe" was invited. Bride asked who Joe was and Mutual Friend was, like, "My <em>fiance</em>." Bride had no idea she was even seeing someone. My point in telling you this story is, relationship statuses change and we have to go with the flow. I do think you should be the bigger person and extend the invitation to her.

Viczaesar

How is this hard to comprehend?  If they're in a relationship, it is not a "plus one."  Plus one is for single people, or when you don't care who they bring, you're just giving them the option of bringing someone.  People in relationships are social units and need to be invited together, period.  I'ts not a hard concept, or particularly complicated.  She's in a relationship, therefore her girlfriend should be invited.  Not doing so is rude.

jmp2004

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-for-a-plus-one-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ac31fcb-b1fb-4295-8146-6370e523a9b9Post:c9f8603e-b1e8-4ef8-b47c-8015287c0d29">Re: Asking for a plus one? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]How is this hard to comprehend?  If they're in a relationship, it is not a "plus one."  Plus one is for single people, or when you don't care who they bring, you're just giving them the option of bringing someone.  People in relationships are social units and need to be invited together, period.  I'ts not a hard concept, or particularly complicated.  She's in a relationship, therefore her girlfriend should be invited.  Not doing so is rude.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Except that invitations went out 3 months in advance, not like we're talking 6 months, and she was not in a relationship, so her non-existant SO was not invited.  It's not like I broke up the social unit on the invitation.</div><div>
</div><div>And I simply thought inviting yourself to a wedding was rude, because that's what her gf did.  lol.  Clearly that's outdated.  *massive eyeroll*</div><div>
</div><div>I've gotten both sides here, so at least I know I'm not way out in left field.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Before friend and gf became a couple, the now gf heard us talking about the wedding being in Vegas and ask if she could come, like countless others did.  I told her no then, it was a family event.  And the way friend brought it up, both times, was that gf wanted to know if she was invited.  </div>

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-for-a-plus-one-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ac31fcb-b1fb-4295-8146-6370e523a9b9Post:5ce66f0b-b57d-4287-a8a8-d612ae7e39e8">Re: Asking for a plus one? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for a plus one? (long) : Except that invitations went out 3 months in advance, not like we're talking 6 months, and she was not in a relationship, so her non-existant SO was not invited.  It's not like I broke up the social unit on the invitation. And I simply thought inviting yourself to a wedding was rude, because that's what her gf did.  lol.  Clearly that's outdated.  *massive eyeroll* I've gotten both sides here, so at least I know I'm not way out in left field. ETA: Before friend and gf became a couple, the now gf heard us talking about the wedding being in Vegas and ask if she could come, like countless others did.  I told her no then, it was a family event.  And the way friend brought it up, both times, was that gf wanted to know if she was invited.  
Posted by jmp2004[/QUOTE]
Invitations should be sent 6-8 weeks in advance; the fact that you sent them out early and therefore before she started dating her girlfriend does not exempt you from the SO invitation rule.  The appropriate thing to do when informed that one of your guests is in a relationship is to extend the invitation to the SO.  You should not be hiding behind your early invitation date to avoid following proper etiquette and treating your guests appropriately.

You didn't say that her girlfriend invited herself, you said she asked if she was invited.  Either way, however, their faux pas is far outshadowed by yours in deliberately not inviting her girlfriend now that you know they consider themselves to be in a relationship.

Since your brother is not, in fact, in a relationship, the two situations do not compare.