Inviting Step-family? (long)

sbs2s

Hi ladies..I'm new to the boards! I got engaged in May and will be getting married January 8th (during my first break from my first semester at grad school. yikes.) Anyway, have a slightly lengthy question I need opinions on please! 

For background, both my FI and I have divorced parents, with one parent being remarried. So basically, we each have 3 sides of family, which has started to become an issue with our "small-ish" wedding we are planning to have (goal is about 85 guests). We want to have all of our close friends and family there, but still want to keep it below 100. We are also the only ones paying for everything out of our own pockets and cannot afford more.

The problem is my step-mom's HUGE family. I've known them for 13 years now, but we have never been that close. I see them maybe once every 2-3 years, if that. My dad dreads when they come in town to visit because they all stay at my dad and step-mom's 2-bedroom home, are loud and rude, and create and leave behind an even larger mess, that they never even offer to help clean up.

When we were creating our guest list, my dad said that I needed to include them, because they came to my recent college graduation? I have no problem including my step-mom's 3 siblings and mother and step-father, but we are starting to get into "needing" to include her aunts, uncles, etc?  

So, to make a long story even longer, we are having to leave off some friends and cousins we would really like to be there for some step-great-aunts(?) and their huge, obnoxious families?  Am I being too sensitive about this? And how do I gently tell my dad that we have decided not to include them?   Thanks for any feedback!

salt78

Hi. Welcome. Congrats on your engagement and all that.

I think that if you have to include some of the stepfamily, just make it immediate. Don't compromise the people that are actually close to you just so you can invite some randos that you don't even really know or care about.

ohwhynot

Try to invite in "rounds" that are equally applied to all parents and stepparents. 

If your dad's siblings are invited, say, so are all the parents'/stepparents' siblings.  If your mom's aunts & uncles are invited, same deal.  But if your mom's aunts & uncles aren't invited, then neither are any other parents'/stepparents' aunts & uncles. 

Does that make sense?  That way, no one gets special treatment or can claim that another parents/steps' family is being more or less welcomed. 

Labrnr

Same situation as you.

We did not invite any of the step in-laws except:

SM's son and daughter adn their SO and SF's two daughter s and their SO.

If you are paying, invite who you want to be there.  You don't have to invite anyone because they went to your grad.

FI and I have first uncles and aunts that we haven't seen in a few years,adn we didnt invite them. 

We invited the ones that mean something to us, that's it that's all.

SarahPLiz

My mom wanted me to invite my step-dad's brothers and sisters (11 living) and their spouses, just so she could throw me a shower in my hometown and invite them. I don't think I have even met them all, and I certainly don't remember the names of more than a few. I told her no. Not gonna happen. We'll be home for x-mas a month later and they can see us then.

I think you can draw the line at your step mom's aunts and uncles, especially if you don't know them. There is no reason at all to invite them.

noodle_oo

We're paying for our own wedding, and so we're going by this rule:  We are not inviting anyone that we don't actually want at our wedding.  Especially not at the cost of inviting people we DO want at our wedding.

We're a bit older and we just aren't really involving our parents in these decisions.  My feeling is that we only want people who we love to celebrate with us.  People who are actually in our lives and we care about.  This means our list is not even on both sides, we're including some aunts and uncles and excluding others, and we have more friends than relatives.  It also means we have about 75 guests (rather small wedding).  It just seems silly to invite people to such an important event just because they are somehow related to us if we don't actually have a relationship with them.

Good luck to you!  Just invite who you want to be there.  You'll be much happier in 10 years looking at your wedding album full of guests you love than if it was full of people you barely know.

squirrly

Attending your graduation doesn't equal a ticket for entry to your wedding.  I disagree with your father on this.  Invite those whom you'd like to have attend.  Don't invite the rest. 

If you have an existing relationship with these people, or NEED to, you may be better off inviting them.  If, however, they're not part of YOUR life (just part of your father's), and you really don't care whether you have a relationship with them - I wouldn't worry about it. 

sbs2s

Thank all of you guys so much for your advice and stories!  You have definitely made me feel much more confident in my decision. 

I suppose if my step-mom's aunts' and uncles' feelings are hurt, they can deal with it. I'm sure they will just continue to grump around and say one word to me when they visit like they already do, haha.  Not to mention it will save my dad the hassle of dealing with them during the already-stressful wedding weekend when the hoards of them and their spawn come, 'cause lord knows they wouldn't have the decency to stay in a hotel.

Thanks again ladies! Glad to be a part of the boards finally.