Bridesmaid's +1

MelissaJB22

One of my bridesmaids is in a relationship with a dirt bag.  We have told her this, she knows this, but she stays with him because it is comfortable for her.  Now, I'm talking dirt bag- he is emotionally abusive (he calls her a c*nt and other wonderful names), he is into gambling/drugs, he is jealous and causes a scene whenever we are with her.  We have tried to get her away from this guy, but it is her decision.  What I want to know is do I have to invite him?  I know etiquette says that because she is in a relationship that I'm SUPPOSED to invite him, but I don't want to.  I'm afraid he is going to ruin the wedding day for my FI and I and for my bridesmaid.  Help! 

Meegles4

I highly doubt he'll ruin your wedding day unless he has a penchant for causing scenes. It's not your job to decide whether your BM should bring her BF who might ruin the day for HER (which, yeah, if he's a dbag, could happen). It really sounds like he's just an unpleasant person and you wish your friend would move on. Unfortunately, that reasoning doesn't give you an excuse not to invite him. If they're still together when invitations go out, he's invited and she can decide whether she wants to bring him.

Summer2011Bride

He sounds like an awful boyfriend, but yeah, if they're together, he needs to be invited. He may not even end up coming or perhaps the BM will want to attend alone, but those are her decisions. I highly doubt he'd ruin your wedding day for you. Like someone else said, if he's always a jerk towards her, that may be the same on your day, but if he did truly start to cause a spectacle, you can always have security or someone working the venue escort him off the premises if necessary.

MelissaJB22

The thing is he could ruin my day as well as hers... he really is that big of a JERK.  He has caused BIG scenes in the past.  What am I going to do when my bridesmaid is bawling her eyes out walking down the aisle or if my bridesmaid is MIA altogether because she is dealing with this A-hole.  

He says mean things about her and about her friends (me included).  He has called me names in the past because I stick up for her.  What do I do when he calls me a B*tch on my wedding day?  

[Deleted User]

You should invite him, it's the "proper" thing to do. Just put her on notice (and maybe a few or the guys) that if he starts getting out of hand to please have him leave quickly & quietly and you don't want to know about. I told my bridesmaid that I don't want any drama at my wedding and if anyone gets out of control I will not hestitate to have them kicked out of the reception. My girls said not to worry, if they notice anything, they will deal with it and "bounce" the guest out the door.

midgetthemighty

Well he sounds delightful, but you still have to invite him if they're still together when invitations go out. I hope for your friends sake that she breaks up with him before then but you could potentially cause MORE issues by not inviting him. He could show up anyway and cause a bigger scene than he normally does, not let her come, etc.

FWIW, one of my BMs became upset at the reception because another BM had "had enough of her" that day and called her out. She wound up in a corner crying her eyes out. My MOH BFF got up and took care of it for me. If something happens, someone else (hire security?) will step up to the plate and take care of it for you or it will work itself out. Don't give him the reaction he wants if anything even happens, because that's really all he wants.

MelissaJB22

I knew this was what everyone was going to say, but I was HOPEFUL for a different option.  I don't want to hire security for ONE person, so maybe I'll put my mom on watch- she'll bounce him if need be!  She is scary! :P

Loopyseven

Ditto all the PP's.  You have to invite him if they are together when your invitations go out. Hire security or see if the venue has a policy for dealing with unruly guests.  If he causes a scene have him escorted out.  He looks like douche and you look like an angel for dealing with the disruption with grace and dignity.  If he upsets your BM give her a sympathetic look and catch up with her the next day to make sure she is doing all right.  If he calls you a biiittch, smile at him and turn the other cheek.  As long as you don't sink to his level you will be the amazing bride who handled a rough situation well and he will be the asshole.  

kikirst33

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-1-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8df3e49c-ec92-483f-8b70-c5445fdf993bPost:5765672c-ddbe-4923-a1b7-04abcbcade0c">Re: Bridesmaid's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I knew this was what everyone was going to say, but I was HOPEFUL for a different option. :/  I don't want to hire security for ONE person, so maybe I'll put my mom on watch- she'll bounce him if need be!  She is scary! :P
Posted by MelissaJB22[/QUOTE]

<div>Check with your reception hall - they may have someone that could be able to assist in "bouncing" someone off premisis if he causes a scene.</div>

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-1-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8df3e49c-ec92-483f-8b70-c5445fdf993bPost:5765672c-ddbe-4923-a1b7-04abcbcade0c">Re: Bridesmaid's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I knew this was what everyone was going to say, but I was HOPEFUL for a different option. :/  I don't want to hire security for ONE person, so maybe I'll put my mom on watch- she'll bounce him if need be!  She is scary! :P
Posted by MelissaJB22[/QUOTE]

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Ditto PPs--talk to the people at your venue. Do you have a maitre d' or on-site coordinator? These people are really helpful in making sure that if there are <em>any</em> problems, the bride and groom don't have to deal with it. Often, the B & G won't even know about it until after it's been handled. It couldn't hurt to alert someone at the venue that you are concerned about a particular guest. That way you don't have to hire someone extra or have your family deal with it.

Unfortunately, though, the solution is <em>not</em> to not invite him.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Yes, you have to invite him. While he sounds like a gem, I'm not sure how him calling her a cuntbag will ruin your wedding.

dangos girl

Well I am in the same situation with one of my BMs who also happens to be my future sister-in-law. Even though it is not the proper thing to do we have decided that he will not be invited to our wedding and that security will have his photo incase he shows up anyways. I know I am going to catch flack for saying this, but it our wedding day and neither of us are comfortable with him being there.

cbbgtownlovers

Personally, I think that if you seriously feel this person could be a physical threat to you or your guests, it is perfectly fine not to invite him.  Considering how much importance is placed on the comfort of guests, I think this falls under the category of looking out for their best interests.  However, if the worst he is likely to do is call her names.. eh..not so much of an excuse.  If she is any kind of friend, she will inform him to be on his best behavior and if he isn't, will see that he is removed with minimal drama and involvement on your part. 

Ditto speaking to your venue about a "bouncer".