Major life change before wedding?!?

Zomgitsmallory

Hi, so last month I discovered my fianc had a child with some girl when he was 15. He didn't have anything to do with this kid at all while he was growing up. The kids mom basically just dropped him now 14 off at our place and was like, "uhh yeah I'm done, he needs a dad, here's his stuff, peace out!" and left him with us. She won't return any calls or anything.

So now I'm 22 and stuck living with this kid who I didn't even know about, and I never wanted to be a stepmom. Our first child was supposed to be the first for both of us, not just me. I've tried talking to my fianc about other arrangements for the kid, but he just says it's his responsibility, and I really don't see it that way! They don't even know each other! It's changing everything, even down to our wedding, and I'm just not that into it! Help?

jasmynelewis

I highly recommend some counseling, both as a couple, by yourself, and as a family if you chose to continue. This kid is going to need some too. I also think fianc has some explaining to do about not telling you about a child. That's something kinda hard to forget about.

TheSlowskys

In Response to Re:Major life change before wedding?!?:[QUOTE]Sorry, no way I'd marry a man who had a child he wasn't involved with, let alone one who conveniently "forgot" to tell me about it. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Yup. And if this isn't mud I feel awful for the kid.

AdeleDazeem

He never mentioned this?  That's a far bigger problem to me than the fact the kid lives with you.  Quite frankly, the child IS his responsibility.  His mother abandoned him and you want to kick him out, too.  Lovely.

If you don't want to be a step mom, then leave your fiance.  But, kicking the child out really shouldn't be an option.  Oh, and the "our first child was suposed to be our first child" ship sailed when your fiance had a kid fourteen years ago.  I know it's hard to swallow, but these are the facts.

Just H

This child is his responsibility and the child did not ask for this.  I can only imagine the abandonment issues he is going to have to deal with and how uncomfortable he feels in a strangers home.  I agree that some serious counseling is in order, for you two as a couple (if you decide to stay together) and for your FI and the child. If your FI can keep this from you and abandon this responsibility, no matter his age at the time, I would be leery of what else he may be capable of.  Unfortunately for you the timing is awful, unless you look on the brightside, at least you found out before you were legal.  I would consider postponing my wedding.

SilverSarahB

I will start by saying I"m sorry this is happening to you.  It must feel terrible to discover omething like that after you have been ready to marry your fiance, and I'm sorry you have to go through that. 

There are not very many things that I consider absolute deal breakers, but this would be one of them.  He intentionally withheld important information about himself and his life that is not affecting your life together.  While I do think accepting a proposal and making the step towards marriage is serious and shouldn't be broken lightly, I would not continue with an engagement if this happened to me and I don't think people would be surprised or upset if you broke your engagement now.   

I would completely leave the relationship, but if you are not ready for that, keep in mind that it is okay to say "I want to take marriage off the table and rediscover our relationship now that (child) is in our life.  This changes our realtionship and we may not be right to marry each other anymore, but I don't want to pick up and leave without giving it a try."  If you are ready to leave completely, then you may do so, but please keep your head about yourself when you do.  If you live together or have joint bank accounts, plan out afair and calm way to get what is yours and find a new living situation. 

After all of this, keep in mind that your fiance is not wrong or bad to keep his child... it is after all his child and being a parent comes with responsibility (the responsibility you would have wanted from him or will want from him if he becomes a parent of your children).  He WAS wrong to keep this from you and blindside you like that, and expect you to be fine with it.  Also keep in mind that while you may not have planned on being a step mother, this 15 year old hasn't done anything wrong in this situation, and being his dad's fiance at the moment means you ARE in an authority position in his life.  Your reactions and behaviors will affect him, and while I can understand wanting the child to just disappear and your life to go back to what it was, please remember that feeling rejected or unwanted to a child (even a teenager) can really hurt their development and behaviors.  

aurianna

I think everyone has already covered the emotional aspects of this so I'll leave those out...
I'm sitting here wondering about logistics and legal ramifications and such...

Did he never have to pay child support? Were the mother's parents involved? Was there ever a paternity test done? Did he fight to stay in this kid's life back then, did he run away from his responsibility then, or something in between?
I'd want to know that...

Also what's the mother's situation? Is she in a situation where you could get child support from her? Or on the other end... I know child support laws are weird in some states... Before you get married, I'd make sure there is absolutely no way she could come, take the kid back, then try to get child support from you guys with your salary (if you have one) included. Some states it's just the father... I think in some they can go after step-mom's too.

Does this kid seem well balanced? It worries me that she'd just dump a sweet 14 year old off. So either the child has severe problems or the mother does... and if the mother does, then it's very likely the child could still have problems.

If she raised this baby without its father she must have had some sort of support network. Have you tried calling her parents to get the skinny?


I don't envy this situation...
Aside from keeping this huge thing from you, you need to find out if he's been totally shirking this responsibility for all this time.
You need to find out how this will affect you financially.
You need to find out if this kid is a discipline problem.

And of course you need to know if you can get past all the other emotional issues PPs have brought up.

Calypso1977

you are 22.  this kid isnt much younger than you.

there is no shame in saying "no, i am not up for being a stepparent" and walking away. 

maybe its a sign that your FI isnt the one - and fortunately you found out abotu this child now, rather than after your wedding.

most likely there will be some ugly legal battles surrounding this child.  this could be draining  both emotionally and financially.  im 35 and couldnt deal with this.

Avion22

You were ready to marry this guy.   I think you should at least give the relationship with him and his child a try.  It's probably wise to postpone the wedding (depending on how far out you are), and get a lot of counseling.

A few things to keep in mind:

1)  Your fiance was a child himself when all of this happened.  That doesn't excuse what he did, but it was a long time ago, when he was a different person. He probably felt like he would never see this child again, and once you guys starting talking about "having your first child together" it became much harder for him to tell you about this.  I know it sucks that he lied to you -- but put yourself in his shoes for a minute, and understand how scared he must have been.  It doesn't excuse his lie of ommission, but at least you can try to understand WHY he lied.

2)  None of this is the kid's fault.  At all.  And at 14, he probably DOES need a Dad.  So even if he goes back to live with his mom at some point, your fiance should be a part of his life. it IS your fiance's responsibility to help raise this boy.

3)  Please encourage your fiance to seek legal counsel IMMEDIATELY.  I'm not sure what kind of custody arrangement he had with the mom before, but it clearly needs to be re-assessed, and he (well, both of you) will want to make sure that everything is handled properly -- both to protect yourselves, and to do what's in the child's best interests.  The last thing you need is the mother claiming that your fiance kidnapped the child in violation of whatever previous custody agreement they had.

4)  You have the opportunity to do a really wonderful thing for this child.   I know you wanted your first child to be YOUR baby, but sometimes God has different plans for us.  I'm not terribly religious, but I do trust the He makes things happen for a reason.   There is a reason that this boy was thrust onto your (yours and your fiance's) doorstep.  You might just be the best thing that ever happens to this boy (and he, likewise, might be one of the best things that ever happens to you).  

5)  Try not to make any huge decisions right now.  Give this time to settle in.  Postpone the wedding if it's soon, but otherwise give it a few weeks.   This isn't the right time to make life-changing decisions (like leaving your fiance).  

blueobsidian

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_major-life-change-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e165d85-39a6-4a49-9b63-24e0ca7fc67cPost:0799a96b-1b4c-40b7-ad73-56281402603c">Major life change before wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, so last month I discovered my fianc had a child with some girl when he was 15. He didn't have anything to do with this kid at all while he was growing up. The kids mom basically just dropped him now 14 off at our place and was like, "uhh yeah I'm done, he needs a dad, here's his stuff, peace out!" and left him with us. She won't return any calls or anything. So now I'm 22 and stuck living with this kid who I didn't even know about, and I never wanted to be a stepmom. Our first child was supposed to be the first for both of us, not just me. <strong>I've tried talking to my fianc about other arrangements for the kid, but he just says it's his responsibility, and I really don't see it that way!</strong> They don't even know each other! It's changing everything, even down to our wedding, and I'm just not that into it! Help?
Posted by Zomgitsmallory[/QUOTE]

You don't think his child is his responsibility and you want to make "other arrangements" for him?  Wow, this whole sentence tells me all I need to know about you.

rbmojo1

Wait...I'm confused.  Did your fiance KNOW about the kid?  Or was this some giant surprise to all of you?

If he knew about the kid and just never bothered to tell you then you need to run for the hills. Aside from the fact that you can't trust a man that doesn't fess up to having a kid, well...he's a man that had a kid and never took responsibility for him.  WTF is that?  PLEASE tell me that's not okay with you.

Now, if on the off chance he didn't know about this kid...the two of you need to get into some therapy quick.  This is not the kid's fault and he shouldn't have to suffer any more than he already has.  You can choose to leave if you want to, but in this particular situation that totally makes you the douche bag.

willywally5

Oh my. That would be quite a shock, to say the least. 

I will say that, if the child is actually your FI's, he is absolutely resposible for him. Yes, he was young when he sired said child, but oh well. Actions have consequences, sometimes far-reaching. 

I agree with PPs that 1) This kid didn't ask for this; 2) Your fiance was very much in the wrong to keep this information from you and 3) you would be well within your rights to break things off with your FI. However, if you choose to end the relationship, please be sure to let the kid know it's not his fault. 

I get not wanting to be a step parent. It's not always easy and it takes a committed decision to take on raising a child that isn't biologically yours. I would be concerned this boy has issues already, given the circumstances of his 'mom' just dumping him off on your FI's doorstep. That could pose some serious challenges, although they are not insurmountable. Being a step parent can be amazing, rewarding and totally worth it. But it's not always a bed of roses. 

In your situation, assuming FI knew about this child and decided not to tell you, there are much larger, even HUGE issues with FI. I don't think I could respect someone who never even inquired about his child in 14 years. I also would have difficulty trusting someone who kept such info from me. I'd wonder what else I didn't know and what other sketchy stuff he thinks is OK. I'd also worry that I and any future children might be 'disposable' in his mind, much like this kid was. 

I also think your age is a factor here. According to the math, your FI is several years older than you and you are 22. That is quite young to devote one's life to a kid you didn't bear. And being a parent, step or bio, IS a life-long committment. Even if you choose not to have an active role in parenting him, he will affect your daily life if he is living in your home. Your FI will also require your support in dealing with the situation and the child. 

Some of the things you said in your OP indicate you aren't ready to committ to a step child, such as wanting your first child to be the first child for both of you. That ship has sailed and cannot be changed. If it is truly a deal-breaker, leave now.  Also, saying you don't think this kid is FI's responsiblity shows you really aren't ready for this now either. 

Totally not judging you; I wouldn't blame you one bit if you ran as fast as you could away from this whole situation. You have your whole life ahead of you and if being a step parent isn't on your list of things you are absolutely willing to do, please don't do it. It isn't fair to you or the kid. 

RebeccaB88

As someone who is the soon-to-be stepmother of a great 6 year old boy who has been abandoned TWICE by the same mother (FI's ex-wife), I find your attitude towards the kid and your FI's responsibility to him disgusting.  The child IS his responsibility, and he needs to step up to the plate now and manage that responsibility.  If you aren't ready for that responsibility yourself (and it sure sounds like you aren't), then your choice is to leave.

I knew what I was getting into with FI and his son.  They had joint custody when we started dating, therefore I knew who he was and what was going on with him.  FI has since gotten sole legal and physical custody, so he is with us 100% of the time.  They were a package deal from the beginning, and it wouldn't ever have occurred to me to ask him to send his son away because I want something all to myself.  How selfish and childish of you.  I'd never planned on being a stepmom either, but now that I'm here, it's good.  I'm royally pissed off at the ex-wife for what she's done to their son (all because he's not a girl), and I see the damage her abandonment has done to him on a daily basis. He's in my life for a reason, and a damn good reason too, and he needs me.  He needs a real mom.  I'm a rookie and I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but I'll give it my best shot.  Anything I do will surely be better than the piece of trash who abandoned him.

If he knew and didn't tell you, then I agree you have a FI problem, not a kid problem.  That's a pretty major deception in my book, and only you can decide if you can live with that or not.  And, you'd be within your rights to leave.  If you do, though, don't make it about the child, because it's not his fault.  It's your FI's fault for being a deadbeat and a liar.  Place the blame squarely where it belongs.

But I think this is MUD.  First post?  Yeah.

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_major-life-change-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e165d85-39a6-4a49-9b63-24e0ca7fc67cPost:08691189-9047-432d-8aa2-e09137472291">Re: Major life change before wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone who is the soon-to-be stepmother of a great 6 year old boy who has been abandoned TWICE by the same mother (FI's ex-wife), I find your attitude towards the kid and your FI's responsibility to him disgusting.  The child IS his responsibility, and he needs to step up to the plate now and manage that responsibility.  If you aren't ready for that responsibility yourself (and it sure sounds like you aren't), then your choice is to leave. I knew what I was getting into with FI and his son.  They had joint custody when we started dating, therefore I knew who he was and what was going on with him.  FI has since gotten sole legal and physical custody, so he is with us 100% of the time.  They were a package deal from the beginning, and it wouldn't ever have occurred to me to ask him to send his son away because I want something all to myself.  How selfish and childish of you.  I'd never planned on being a stepmom either, but now that I'm here, it's good.  I'm royally pissed off at the ex-wife for what she's done to their son (all because he's not a girl), and I see the damage her abandonment has done to him on a daily basis. He's in my life for a reason, and a damn good reason too, and he needs me.  He needs a real mom.  I'm a rookie and I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but I'll give it my best shot.  Anything I do will surely be better than the piece of trash who abandoned him. If he knew and didn't tell you, then I agree you have a FI problem, not a kid problem.  That's a pretty major deception in my book, and only you can decide if you can live with that or not.  And, you'd be within your rights to leave.  If you do, though, don't make it about the child, because it's not his fault.  It's your FI's fault for being a deadbeat and a liar.  Place the blame squarely where it belongs. But I think this is MUD.  First post?  Yeah.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That poor kid. Thank goodness he has you and his dad. Best of luck to you. It's not always an easy road, but it's SO worth it. </div><div>
</div><div>And OP is probably MUD. But on the chance it's not, I answered for the kid's sake. </div>

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_major-life-change-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e165d85-39a6-4a49-9b63-24e0ca7fc67cPost:fedd6225-7fa3-4edb-ae8c-57bb10a494ee">Re: Major life change before wedding?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Major life change before wedding?!? : That poor kid. Thank goodness he has you and his dad. Best of luck to you. It's not always an easy road, but it's SO worth it.  And OP is probably MUD. But on the chance it's not, I answered for the kid's sake. 
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

It will be a challenge sometimes, with his issues with his mom and her indifference to him.  We also struggle some with finding our personal alone time to connect as a couple and work on our relationship without little ears listening in (we have trouble with people offering to watch him for awhile, then flaking out at the last minute, making us cancel our plans).  He will start seeing someone to help him with his fear of abandonment issues, and we will learn how to help him feel more secure.  But as committed as I am to him, I'm also terrified.

RockstarWifey0912

In Response to Re:Major life change before wedding?!?:[QUOTE]In Response to Major life change before wedding?!?:Hi, so last month I discovered my fianc had a child with some girl when he was 15. He didn't have anything to do with this kid at all while he was growing up. The kids mom basically just dropped him now 14 off at our place and was like, "uhh yeah I'm done, he needs a dad, here's his stuff, peace out!" and left him with us. She won't return any calls or anything. So now I'm 22 and stuck living with this kid who I didn't even know about, and I never wanted to be a stepmom. Our first child was supposed to be the first for both of us, not just me. I've tried talking to my fianc about other arrangements for the kid, but he just says it's his responsibility, and I really don't see it that way! They don't even know each other! It's changing everything, even down to our wedding, and I'm just not that into it! Help?Posted by ZomgitsmalloryYou don't think his child is his responsibility and you want to make "other arrangements" for him?nbsp; Wow, this whole sentence tells me all I need to know about you. Posted by blueobsidian[/QUOTE]

Fully agree. I get being angry at your FI for not telling you, but OP you sound selfish and unreasonable, expecting him to make other arrangements? This is a child, not a pet. Your FI is probably freaking out right now and your attitude is not helping.

You've gotten some great advice from other posters. Good luck.

NOLAbridealmost

This does not seem like MUD to me....

OP, this is really hard.  You need to find out if your FI knew about this. If he did--as others have said---head for the hills. That's a HUGE thing to keep secret and it makes him a huge jerk to leave his child knowingly.  If he is just as shocked as you are, then you need to do some serious soul searching.   Are you ready to be a mom?  Your post, sorry to say, doesn't seem to show that you're ready. Your FI might be a great guy, but if you can't accept his child into your life, you really need to bow out.  The kid is here. And that kid deserves a relationship with the father.  You can't just make "other arrangements"