Cash bar at the rehearsal is a no-no, right?

SmallenForever

My future inlaws are planning our rehearsal dinner, or rather, cocktail hour. Our rehearsal is at 3pm the day before and they are planning to have a cocktail hour with drinks, pizza cut up into little strips, and crab dip. The only thing is that they are planning to have a cash bar. That's a no-no, right? I've already agreed to let them host the rehearsal dinner, but now I'm regretting it. 

achiduck

Asking your guests to open their wallets for anything is a no-no.
 
If your in-laws have opted not to have the open bar I'd have your FI talk to them to offer for the two of you to cover the bar costs or just have a dry RD.

Maggie0829

Where are they hosting the dinner?  At a restaurant?  I think having a cash bar as the only option for the guests is a no-no, but hosting non-alcoholic beverages is fine.  If the RD is in a restaurant with a bar, nothing can stop your guests from going a buying a drink if they so choose.  Having a dry RD is fine but having a cash bar is rude.

SmallenForever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-at-the-rehearsal-is-a-no-no-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e39cf49-8d95-4f5c-a9df-21a8f686f43aPost:544b8958-7de6-4e91-a09c-33fc347b79a6">Re: Cash bar at the rehearsal is a no-no, right?</a>:
[QUOTE]Where are they hosting the dinner?  At a restaurant?  I think having a cash bar as the only option for the guests is a no-no, but hosting non-alcoholic beverages is fine.  If the RD is in a restaurant with a bar, nothing can stop your guests from going a buying a drink if they so choose.  Having a dry RD is fine but having a cash bar is rude.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>It's at a restuarant. Here's the thing, there's nothing to stop guests from going to get a drink, but myFMIL is obsessed with making up some "signature cocktail" named after my FI and me and I don't want people thinking that's free when it's not. FI and I cannot cover the bar costs at all, so I think I'll have to find a way to politely ask her to move the rehearsal dinner or something.</div>

Maggie0829

I think it would be rude of her to make up a sig drink and then expect people to pay for it. 
I think your FI should speak with his parents about not providing the sig drink and just having them pay for non-alcoholic beverages.  But you definitely do not need to move the RD to a different location.

SmallenForever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-at-the-rehearsal-is-a-no-no-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e39cf49-8d95-4f5c-a9df-21a8f686f43aPost:14cfa546-dd94-4be5-b411-e46487fc0f45">Re: Cash bar at the rehearsal is a no-no, right?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it would be rude of her to make up a sig drink and then expect people to pay for it.  I think your FI should speak with his parents about not providing the sig drink and just having them pay for non-alcoholic beverages.  But you definitely do not need to move the RD to a different location.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>It's a bit more complicated. We will probably need to ask her to move it. She can't afford any drinks, she's made that clear. In fact, this place is so pricey, she plans to order just four pizzas for 15-20 people and two bowls of crab dip because that's all she can afford. </div>

Maggie0829

Honestly you can't ask her to move the RD.  It is her money and her decision.  If you don't like what she has planned then you can decline the RD completely and host one yourself.

If you and your FI can't afford much then ordering some pizzas, buying a few liters of soda and a case of beer plus maybe some ice cream for dessert and having everyone over your house would be fine.

zubrod1

First, if she can't afford to host it at this restaurant and feed people accordingly I'm not sure why she picked it.  Have your fiancee talk to her about the concerns and hopefully she'll realize that changing the restaurant is the best idea.  I'm having my rehearsal dinner at a restaurant that has a bar but we're only paying for non-alcoholic drinks; if anyone chooses to go get a cocktail that will have to be on them, which I believe is appropriate.

SmallenForever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-at-the-rehearsal-is-a-no-no-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e39cf49-8d95-4f5c-a9df-21a8f686f43aPost:6a1a3b1c-8947-45bb-8108-91ab24d33697">Re: Cash bar at the rehearsal is a no-no, right?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly you can't ask her to move the RD.  It is her money and her decision.  If you don't like what she has planned then you can decline the RD completely and host one yourself. If you and your FI can't afford much then ordering some pizzas, buying a few liters of soda and a case of beer plus maybe some ice cream for dessert and having everyone over your house would be fine.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, when I said move the RD, I meant move it to somewhere I could afford, so I could host it instead. I just don't know how to decline her offer once I've accepted it.</div>

Kristin789

All of this is FI's business. 

If FI's parents host the RD with a cash bar, it will tell the guests that the groom's parents are doing the very least (paying for food) but not the full hosting/paying for the RD, so they approve of the marriage but only to the very basic, lowest degree.  If that's not true, and FI's parents are delighted that he's marrying you, then there is no cash bar.  It becomes a dry RD or an RD at a different place - and whatever option needs to be discussed and picked needs to be handled by FI.

Not you.  If you continue to fuss about this, it will look like you are trying to micro-manage the only event hosted by the groom's parents.  Or take it away from the groom's parents.

Back off.  Let FI step up and handle this, in whatever way he and his parents choose.

Maggie0829

I would let your FI handle this.  He can simply say that "although we both appreciate yourgenerousity for wanting to host the RD, we just do not feel comfortable with an open bar and since we in no way want to make you feel pressured into spending additional money we would prefer to host the RD ourselves."

Will they most likely be pissed that you declined after you already accepted?  Yes.  But if you are not comfortable with what is planned because it is poor etiquette and you want your guests to feel comfortable then you need to do what you need to do.

SmallenForever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-at-the-rehearsal-is-a-no-no-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e39cf49-8d95-4f5c-a9df-21a8f686f43aPost:738f1599-d951-41b0-8de7-a1a55d6bcea6">Re: Cash bar at the rehearsal is a no-no, right?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would let your FI handle this.  He can simply say that "although we both appreciate yourgenerousity for wanting to host the RD, we just do not feel comfortable with an open bar and since we in no way want to make you feel pressured into spending additional money we would prefer to host the RD ourselves." Will they most likely be pissed that you declined after you already accepted?  Yes.  But if you are not comfortable with what is planned because it is poor etiquette and you want your guests to feel comfortable then you need to do what you need to do.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Thanks!</div>

tmwishful

a little late here,,, but she's hosting a "cocktail hour" but not paying for the cocktails?

SmallenForever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-at-the-rehearsal-is-a-no-no-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e39cf49-8d95-4f5c-a9df-21a8f686f43aPost:614767f6-8425-42e2-91c1-daf89e7101dc">Re: Cash bar at the rehearsal is a no-no, right?</a>:
[QUOTE]a little late here,,, but she's hosting a "cocktail hour" but not paying for the cocktails?
Posted by tmwishful[/QUOTE]

<div>As strange as it sounds, yes.</div>

tmwishful

obviousl No-no.  have a talk with her, ask her to hold it at a less swanky place where she can accommodate everything.

OwningAHome1981

Have it at a cheaper place so you can have open bar. FYI it doesn't need to be full open bar, just hosting beer and wine and soft drinks is fine. Most ppl are happy with that. It's wrong to have a total cash bar but I think it's ok to provide a few drinks that are free and make ppl pay for anything additional if they want it.