Necessary Honeymoons?

M&R7111

FI and I have had major mucho tough money issues for a while due to lost jobs.  We scrimped for the wedding and cut much out. Even now, it is 50/50 if we are going to use the money for the wedding or just elope and use the money for job training for FI.  We have nothing else.

I get sick every time someone who know's I'm engaged goes "Oh! congrats! Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

I never thought to ask people that when I found out they were getting married.  I know people only have nice intentions when they ask, but it KILLS me and gets me angry that they just ASSUME that everyone has money to go off somewhere on vacation.  Not everyone can take a vacation.  We are broke.  Even a weekend away locally isn't feasible because of jobs we cannot take off for (except for the day we get married and the next day - then, back to work!) I am off weekends, he works them.  I haven't had one day off together with FI in 6 months, and we won't until the wedding in July.

Even worse, when I explain that we can't afford one now and will just spend time together at home, I hear "But you HAVE to go somewhere!".  It's like a joke to people, or (even worse), I get a pitty "oohhhh, too bad, you two should go somewhere".  Even FMIL is so naive about it.  We told her we weren't going on one, yet she INSISTED on taking me clothes shopping for the honeymoon (things I should 'put away' to wear ONLY for the honeymoon) 

It's embarrassing and makes me feel bad because it was not too long ago (only a year) that we were planning our wedding with two awesome paying jobs, secure in our savings, and had been looking forward to a whole wedding with a honeymoon.  Now we have nothing and had to cut (may even have to forgo the wedding all together) and I don't know how to handle people asking about the honeymoon.    It's like the last straw!

twilight.rose

I know it's hard, but you really have to try to disregard people when they say things about the two of you not taking a honeymoon. Only you and your FI know your situation, and what is best/feasible for you as a couple.

Just say, "We've decided to postpone our honeymoon until we've had more time to get settled," or something along those lines, and leave it at that.

Birdie1483

I'm sorry hun. I know it can be hard when it seems like so many people don't struggle when it comes to weddings and honeymoons. However, I've come to find that a lot of people (or their parents) secretly put everything on credit cards and go into a lot of debt. It sounds like you and your FI are trying to save and pay in cash for the wedding (which I think is best), so just remember that when all is said and done you'll be married and debt free of wedding expenses. Those other people will be paying off their expenses for months/years to come.

ETA: And when I say "so many people" I mean people I've encountered IRL, not necessarily here on TK.

PsyDet 2155

I'm sorry people are bothering you.  Sometimes, people think they are asking out of good intentions or for conversation starters without knowing your financial situation.  I would just respond that you haven't decided on anything definite yet and if they keep probing, tell them you're busy enjoying your engagement   Best of luck.  At the end of the day, you and your love will be married and that's amazing.

M&R7111

Thanks guys -  I know people don't know of my situation when they ask, but I find it strange that the honeymoon location is the very first thing they ask!  Maybe I'm surrounded by so many people struggling with money I'm out of the loop.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Lots of people do delayed honeymoons. FI and I thought about that when we were going to go to Paris (we wanted to do Paris in the spring, but we're getting married in the fall). You can just tell them you aren't sure yet - you'll be planning something later on, after you replenish your savings from the wedding (even if that's not exactly true). Really, people can't comment on that. If they say, "Ohhh, you have to take one IMMEDIATELY or it won't be real!" just ignore them.

sarah0725

I think you're taking this way too seriously. People are trying to be nice, because we all get awkward with small talk and they probably just want to show interest in your wedding. For instance, I don't really believe in having a wedding with an equal number of "bridesmaids" and "groomsmen", so we're just having a wedding party of five men and two women, and calling them the wedding party. But if anyone asks me about what the bridesmaids are wearing, I'm not going to shank them.

AmoroAgain

hahaa... I know your prison name now Sarah. 

SarahShanker.  Yup.  That's it.

sarah0725

You got me, Amoro. I've been working on filing down this chicken bone for people who ask the wrong questions, now that I'm actually less than a year from my wedding.

JanoBean75

Until we booked our trip (thanks to a very generous gift from my gramma), we just told people we weren't sure when/where we were going. Most of them shut up about it.

andy71781

I think its fine to just say that you don't know what you want to do for your honeymoon (aka don't know if you'll have one).  We got married in July and we aren't going away until February for many of the same reasons you aren't going right away either. 

Just tell people - "We are trying to get through the wedding first!"

xyrius

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_necessary-honeymoons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e4fab4f-6faa-4ba5-ab93-bc21b1a6c7a5Post:ca1658b7-e397-4b34-9cb6-33f22508a2d4">Re: Necessary Honeymoons?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think its fine to just say that you don't know what you want to do for your honeymoon (aka don't know if you'll have one).  We got married in July and we aren't going away until February for many of the same reasons you aren't going right away either.  Just tell people - "We are trying to get through the wedding first!"
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

I think this is excellent advice, and I sympathize.

When I first started announcing that I was engaged, the first question I was asked was about my (then non-existant) ring.  I think people are generally just trying to be nice and make small-talk - but I get how it can strike a nerve.

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_necessary-honeymoons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e4fab4f-6faa-4ba5-ab93-bc21b1a6c7a5Post:20ccc4f8-4438-431d-add1-d298ca3e5859">Re: Necessary Honeymoons?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think you're taking this way too seriously</strong>. People are trying to be nice, because we all get awkward with small talk and they probably just want to show interest in your wedding. For instance, I don't really believe in having a wedding with an equal number of "bridesmaids" and "groomsmen", so we're just having a wedding party of five men and two women, and calling them the wedding party. <strong>But if anyone asks me about what the bridesmaids are wearing, I'm not going to shank them.</strong>
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

No I'm not.  I'm just looking for advice on how to deal with people who bring up this issue that bothers me.  I don't know how to respond without making it seem like I'm looking for pity or be rude myself by getting offended.

Talking about not having the honeymoon we were expecting and having to explain it over and over is a little more emotional to me than telling people we are having an unequal wedding party.
And believe me, I've had to explain that many times myself about our wedding party.

donnaoneill

If you were 50/50 on the wedding or elope, go elope somewhere. Then you can have a small honeymoon and still be married. If immediate family members are hurt, they are free to throw you a small reception afterward. I am highly against going into debt or seriously altering your lifestyle to have a wedding. If you want to have the big wedding and a honeymoon, postpone the wedding--if that's what you want.

As for dealing with people, for the first 7 months of my engagement (4 months before the wedding) I didn't think I was going on a honeymoon. We just didn't think it was in our budget. Just tell people you can't fit a honeymoon in your budget and plan on taking one at a later time so you can go somewhere you really want. Keep your chin up!!!

a-bride-to-be!

FI and I aren't going on one either due to the same situation you're in. People have asked us about our honeymoon and we just flat out tell them that we're not going on one. When they do the whole "but you must!" I just tell them that it's not in our future and, quite frankly, we could give a hoot about it.

The way I see it, being in your home after you're married can be a wonderful thing. Don't have to worry about traveling, hotel bedbugs, loud, screaming sex piercing through the thin walls and money. You both can wake up and just marvel in the fact that you two are married.

At least you get the next day off lol, I have to go back to work the day after our wedding.

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_necessary-honeymoons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e4fab4f-6faa-4ba5-ab93-bc21b1a6c7a5Post:f081c08a-cbe9-46b1-b6df-08f5cb6d2502">Re: Necessary Honeymoons?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Necessary Honeymoons? : No I'm not.  I'm just looking for advice on how to deal with people who bring up this issue that bothers me.  I don't know how to respond without making it seem like I'm looking for pity or be rude myself by getting offended. Talking about not having the honeymoon we were expecting and having to explain it over and over is a little more emotional to me than telling people we are having an unequal wedding party. And believe me, I've had to explain that many times myself about our wedding party.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

And I gave you advice. In your OP, you used LOTS of CAPS to explain how ANGRY you are that people make IDLE SMALL TALK about your HONEYMOON SITUATION. No matter what it is, whether a big issue or a small one, you're best off just owning who you are and what decisions you make, and not getting too up in arms about what other people might think of them. It's just a fact of getting married that people will ask you whatever questions pop into their heads, just to show interest in your life. And if they don't know you very well, they're going to ask you about your wedding just to be nice. You need to find a way to be gracious about that.

Here's a comic I read today about this very type of social situation:
<a href="http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/09/four-levels-of-social-entrapment.html" rel="nofollow">http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/09/four-levels-of-social-entrapment.html</a>

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_necessary-honeymoons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e4fab4f-6faa-4ba5-ab93-bc21b1a6c7a5Post:96f1e286-dfda-4efb-8e0f-bdb24bf2eda2">Re: Necessary Honeymoons?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If you were 50/50 on the wedding or elope, go elope somewhere. Then you can have a small honeymoon and still be married.</strong>
Posted by donnaoneill[/QUOTE]

The reason we would elope is because the money we saved for the wedding would go towards sending my FI to a law enforcement academy.  We would still not have enough money for a honeymoon because the money would be spent either way.  But - he would have an awesome job with amazing benefits and best of all VACATION TIME! :)

M&R7111

PS - Didn't realize using caps = up in arms.

kimp67

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I think I would just say something along the lines of "we're planning on enjoying a few days alone together at home relaxing"?

Goldlie11

I think the whole, "where are you going" is just one of those wedding questions everyone asks.  Just like, "when's the date",  even if you've been engaged for a day.

Right now, FI and I don't know if we're going to be able to afford a honeymoon.  We've been very honest with family and close friends and told them the truth.  For acquaintances and coworkers, we say something like, "we're not sure".  It pretty much ends the discussion.  I find no need to go into details with them.  

I don't think that people are trying to be hurtful.  I'm really sorry that you and your FI are having such a hard time.  GL and I hope things turn around.