Include significant others/fiancées in photos?

ashleestadt

My fiance's brother just got married last Saturday and when it came time to take pictures after the service I was confused (and a little offended) that I wasn't asked to be in any of the photos. His birth mom and half sister were included in the pictures, and he, his bride, and a bunch of their church friends even took a formal picture. I'm just wondering what the proper etiquette is for these types of situations? I understand that if my fiancé and I had only been dating at the time why I wouldn't be included, but we've been engaged for a couple of months now and I'd assume that I would be included in events such as these.

Jen4948

Well, if you're engaged or an SO, I personally think you should be included and I think etiquette probably agrees.

getaclue44

I would say engaged yes...SO wouldn't get you in my family photos. My brother is a serial dater and there are so many family pictures with random girls in them. So we didn't include my brothers' girlfriends in our formal family pictures.

KellyBrian2013

I think if you're engaged, you should have been included. However, there were many less formal occassions while we were engaged but before DH and I were married where his family would take pictures, including his brother's wife but not me. I tried not to take it personally. I wasn't "officially" part of the family yet. That said, we didn't do any formal photos with significant others at our wedding who weren't in the wedding party.

lyntopher

I agree with previous posters. However, I will add that it sounds like maybe they did sibling and parent photographs though and not full family photographs. My brother did this at his wedding. He didn't want a bunch of posted photographs, but our parents wanted one of the siblings. If they did one with married partners and excluded you, that would be something else. I'd try not to be too hurt by this: it doesn't sound like any slight was intended.

OliveOilsMom

We did both and every wedding I have been in has done this as well.  They have photos of all the immediate family members and then a second set of photos with the SOs as well.  I can see being left out of a few photos, but to be left out of all of them is odd, especially since you are engaged and not just a random plus one the B&G gave their sibling.

lyndausvi

My family does a mix of just family (minus all spouses, even the bride or broom would be excluded) then married family and ones with SOs. Somehow I (as the bride) was excluded from DHs family picuture. Im the only spouse i think we forgot ::shrugs:: Reality is divorce happens, people breakup, it's good to have a mix of pictures with and without SOs. Some of my favorite pics are of the "outlaws". Since we exclude the spouses from some pictures we give them their own shot. We have one of my grandparents and their SILs and DIL only that is hanging up in everyone of our homes.

maggieandrey

My family has always had the rule that if you have to be married to be in the family picture. Yes it's kind of offensive to a fiance/e but that's just how my parents are, so I wouldn't be offended. I think some people are just more strict with where the line is than others.

MrsGandthebeag

I don't blame you for being offended.  My one wedding regret is not letting my cousin's SO at the time to be in our family wedding photos.  They ended up getting engaged months later and are now married.  I feel like an idiot.  

lauralaur

I would have included you since you are engaged but probably still would have done a few without you. When we got married my brother had been with his girlfriend for a long time and he asked what she should do during photos and I told him point blank that I loved his girlfriend but I wanted some photos without, so we have some with and some without. They have since broken up and he is now dating someone that I like even better than the last one. My BIL's four-time ex-GF is in the center of every freaking reception photo (it feels like anyway) and all of the photobooth photos that the cousins did because it never occurred to my BIL that they might not be together for ever and ever and ever.

FormerlyAK

I was in my fi's family photos at his sister's wedding. I was only a girlfriend at the time, but we were engaged less than a month later and I think his family knew it was coming, so they included me. I think it is rude that they didn't include you in any family photos if you are engaged.

Summer2011Bride

Well I come from the situation where H's family didn't even put me in the "family" picture at christmas until we were married. It was hurtful and H had argued with them about it, but that's the way it always was done. So I guess I would have been "meh" about it because I was used to that situation.

However, I do think one or two pics with even a non-engaged SO is not that big of a deal. Why not, KWIM? (I can see if it was a girlfriend of like three weeks, but seriously dating or engaged? Just include them in a few pics). So I agree with being upset, but I would probably not say anything and move on.

jessicabessica

Yes, I would be offended.  Try to get over it, though, and remember when it's your wedding to be inclusive where you can.  

When DH and I were dating, his brother got married.  I wasn't in any of the formal photos, but my then-bf asked me to come watch them.  He asked his SIL if we could get one photo of the four of us, and she said no.  I try not to think about that because it's in the past, but at our wedding, I basically left it up to the family member as to whether their SO was in pictures.  We also took "important" shots both with and without my brothers' SOs.  

MoonlightSilver

I was excluded from my DH's cousin's wedding pictures when we were "just" engaged- we had been engaged for two years and dating for 6.5 years at the time, so it was pretty ridiculous to exclude me. I was slightly offended at the time, but got over it. It's alright to be upset, but there's no need to do anything spiteful. 

achiduck

I would expect for you to have been included in at least some of the photos. 

coopsbaby

I think it's best to do both, but I know some families do one or the other, and I'd try not to take it personally. 

Our family has always included everyone, and now (after my divorce from cheating scumbag ex) I wish I had some family photos without exH in them. Even pictures from my sister's wedding have him in all of them. UGH!

At my upcoming wedding, we'll for sure do it multiple ways and cover all of our bases. Especially now with digital it doesn't cost anything to take a few more so everybody is happy, kwim? I even stick my kid's bf/gf in them even though they are 17 and 20. You just never know and I'd hate to make anybody feel excluded.

JaxInBlue

We did a mix that included SOs in some pictures and not in others.  (Even I stepped out for DH's picture with "just" immediate family).  Both my sister and DH's - who are the only unmarried siblings - are in long term relationships that we are pretty confident will go the distance and we didn't want to regret not having them in pictures.

I agree with others that its reasonable that you be upset, but that the best you can do is chalk it up to poor past precedent.  Talk to your FI now and agree to do things differently at your wedding if you have the opportunity.

kipnus

I was the first of my siblings to get married, but my sister was engaged at the time. I had some photos with just my parents and siblings, then my sister's fiance was included in the extended family shots.

arendiva

I agree with PP's that it couldn't have hurt for them to have included you in a few shots. But that said I can totally understand why they wouldn't want SO's  in all of the pictures. I will be including my FBIL's wife in some but not all of the shots. At their wedding they did the same for me and I wasn't remotely offended. Come to think, i don't think I was in any of the "family shots" I was a bridesmaid, so I was in the bridal party shots. If either of my sister's have bf's at my wedding they won't be in my photos, but since they are both still single and are both under 18 I doubt anyone will raise eyebrows about that.

GardenMaven

OP-  I does seem odd that you were not included in any photos.  I plan on including my cousin's FI in our wedding photos and I haven't even met her yet!  Same with another cousin who has been dating his gf for three years.  

When my sister got married, FI and I had only been dating for about a year.  When it came time to take pictures, he was encouraged to join in.  I actually was surprised by how many photos he ended up being in, but it was my sister and BIL adding him in, not me.  Since then we have been in many family wedding photos together, and of course, now we're getting married ourselves.  :-)

cwaggoner07

The rule in our family is if you're not engaged, you're not in the formal family photos. Large informal pictures are fine, but if you're not at least engaged, I don't think you belong.
At my wedding, my cousin who I'm very close with was thisclose to proposing to his girlfriend, but we left her out of our cousin picture that included spouses.
One month later they broke up and I was so grateful that I put up with the 5 second awkwardness of her not being inthe photo. I liked her, but she was never family.

Calypso1977

i was only included in one photo at my sister in law's wedding.  she was all about the WP photos vs family photos.  no big deal.   i was surprised, given that this was 6 months after our wedding wherein we included everyone in mnay photos (although still kept some shots with blood-family only) but different people want different things.

misssunshine17

My brother's girlfriend (they've been together for 8 years on Christmas) will be in some photos, but not all. I hate to be that way, but they're not married (though I guess married doesn't mean they couldn't break up) but I will include her in some. 

I think it should be when people are engaged. When dating, I always offered to take the big family photo of FI's family, but (literally the day after we got engaged) on Christmas Eve, his grandfather took my hand and said I was family and the stand next to him... FI was beaming in the photo. You can be that person for someone, too, when the time is right. 

StephJean83

After 4 yrs of being married to my sister, and having an awesome relationship with both of my parents, my BIL didn't think he would/should be included in family pictures at weddings. We ended up with some funny candid shots of my sister yelling at him to come join the family picture and than him in the next shot. My FH was my date for the wedding but since we weren't "officially dating", they didn't include him in family pictures. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Be upset but move on and remember how it felt so when you get married you can try to include everyone's SO in the family pictures.  

My FMIL does family photos at every family get together. The first Easter I was "officially" dating my FH, I declined being in the family photo but since then I have been included in them. I think it upset my FMIL that I didn't want to be in the family photo at first. She realized that since we had just started "officially dating" I didn't want to be included in case we broke up.

stantokm

At my cousin's wedding in September, I assumed that FH wouldn't be included because we were only engaged, but my aunt and my cousin both insisted that he join.  Neither of us would have been offended--even though he's MY family now, he's not really theirs yet.

I have to figure this out for my wedding, though.  My cousin will be there with his fiance and I definitely want her in the picture (she and I have been friendly ever since we hung out during a family beach week four years ago).  His brother's girlfriend will be there, too, and I like her a lot, but they'll be 22 and I don't know if she should be included.  They've been together about two years and I hope that he marries her one day, but still.  It's an awkward line.

Ajuliana

When I had been dating my FI for about six months, his older brother got married.  I made certain to step out of any potential pictures taken by the photographer.  One of my childhood friends was the date of the bride's brother, and they had only known eachother for a little over a month, and she insisted in being in their pictures.  

Even though she married him and I'm engaged to my FI, everyone still thinks she was rude as hell.  

I think that yes, you should have been included.  I don't think they meant to hurt your feelings though.  It's one of those things you will just have to brush off--I wish I had different advice!