The $ conversation

anwilcox

My mother and future mother-in-law both see us as "poor" compared to them but we have saved for years for our wedding in order to have it our way on our budget. My deceased father (divorced for over twenty years from my mother) also left me an inheritance intended to help our wedding happen. Both of these women, however, have been expressing their interest and distaste in any plans they have heard about (which we have tried to keep to a need to know basis) due to cost. As well they are both trying to interject their personal feelings on some of my wants for the wedding, but I feel I'm paying in order to have it my way! I have stepped around these issues thus far but feel that saying polite phrases and slowly changing subjects isn't going to work much longer. They both seem to feel they could do it better and cheaper and that we should be spending our wedding budget elsewhere. How in the world do I put a stop to this now before I hear a year's worth of criticism? (We have a united front and have made it clear already that we saved for this in particular and are paying in order to have creative control.) Thank you for any advice!

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f44b502-ebcf-4533-8d82-ae0bd48f0bc9Post:9db3c65f-0c60-49c9-aff4-0f50ed4fcc26">The $ conversation</a>:
[QUOTE]My mother and future mother-in-law both see us as "poor" compared to them but we have saved for years for our wedding in order to have it our way on our budget. My deceased father (divorced for over twenty years from my mother) also left me an inheritance intended to help our wedding happen. Both of these women, however, have been expressing their interest and distaste in any plans they have heard about (which we have tried to keep to a need to know basis) due to cost. As well they are both trying to interject their personal feelings on some of my wants for the wedding, but I feel I'm paying in order to have it my way! I have stepped around these issues thus far but feel that saying polite phrases and slowly changing subjects isn't going to work much longer. They both seem to feel they could do it better and cheaper and that we should be spending our wedding budget elsewhere. How in the world do I put a stop to this now before I hear a year's worth of criticism? (We have a united front and have made it clear already that we saved for this in particular and are paying in order to have creative control.) Thank you for any advice!
Posted by anwilcox[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>I think you have to accept within yourself that you will not please everyone- wedding, life choices or otherwise. There will always be criticism and judgment to some degree, I'm afraid- you have to try not to take this personally.</p>

mags0607

I think you just try to include them as little as possible in the wedding conversations. If they keep making remarks, just politely tell them that this is what you guys want, and that you have budgeted to make the wedding happen. Then change the subject, and try not to let them get to you.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f44b502-ebcf-4533-8d82-ae0bd48f0bc9Post:a1538f03-3d8d-4f5f-9ca7-063dfa32ce57">Re: The $ conversation</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think you just try to include them as little as possible in the wedding conversations.</strong> If they keep making remarks, just politely tell them that this is what you guys want, and that you have budgeted to make the wedding happen. Then change the subject, and try not to let them get to you.
Posted by mags0607[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>Actually, at the time of planning I would have said the same thing, but this blew up on me towards the end and in retrospect I think it only made things worse. What helped in my case was giving my mother specific tasks she could do that weren't super important to me but made her feel included and thus decreased her criticism and overall feelings of hurt/concern etc. I found that the less I discussed my plans, the more she formed these ridiculous crazy notions of how untraditional our wedding was going to be. When I told her a bit more about what I was doing, and gave her distractions in the form of tasks that she could take over on, she seemed to relax.</p>

mags0607

But Sun, your wedding looked gorgeous.

thesuninherhead

Thanks Mags! My mother ADORED it in the end... but prior to the day itself, she'd actually called me angry, in tears, and started saying things about how she was so worried that the wedding was going to be 'different' and how at first she'd told me she wanted us to be happy (and not worry about pleasing her) but she was worried that 'it's gone too far the other way' and that the wedding was going to be 'untraditional' and not feel like a wedding at all. The issue that sparked this crazy talk? Cake boxes. She asked what I was doing about them, I said I wasn't having any, and she freaked. It was really just a build-up of the months of her feeling left-out and me being defensive though, I think. I wish I'd given her something to do sooner on so that she felt more involved, because I think this hurt just simmered over time, and the things we were doing that she wouldn't have picked for herself (which totally WEREN'T odd in reality) built up to be something horrific in her mind.

 

As I told her at the time, I knew what we were planning wasn't what she personally wanted- but on the day itself, those personal details of ours would make it so much more special to her and she'd have an amazing time and not notice the things that were absent from traditional weddings which were stressing her out. I was right, and it worked out exaclty like that- and though she hasn't told me, she's told other family members how silly she feels in hindsight.

quotequeen

I don't think I've ever seen cake boxes at a wedding...

OP, I think you should get increasingly blunt with them.  When they criticize what you're doing, tell them that you understand how they feel, but your decision on how your wedding will be is final, and you would appreciate it if they would stop criticizing it.  (Be clear about the type of comments that you want to cease, and that you are not saying they can't be involved in or discuss the wedding at all.)  If they keep doing it, tell them the subject is no longer up for discussion.  (Your FI should be the one tellng these things to his mother.)  If you are there in person or on the phone, and they do it again, say that if the criticism does not stop, you will be leaving/hanging up.  Then leave or hang up if they keep doing it.

Knittibell

''I appreciate your concern, but FI and I are doing things EXACTLY the way we want them- I really hope you'll love the end result, but at the end of the day it's OUR day, and so far, we're really pleased. So don't worry about it- the constant concern is taking away from the happiness we're enjoying in the planning process- we appreciate you're concerned, but you honestly have no need to be."

damaless

Maybe I am wrong, but it sounds to me like SOME of the comments they are making are inappropriate, but others have the potential to be helpful.  Like if you want to rent a set of circular mirrors to go with your centerpieces, and they say "oh I think I know a place where you can get those for cheaper," it might be worth letting them give their suggestion of a different place to rent them from.  The mirrors might turn out to be just as nice, and cost you less.  There is no point in spending excessive money when you could get the same thing for less, right?  Maybe if you start responding positively to those kind of comments, the inappropriate comments will decrease in frequency.  But I also agree with other posters that you have to put your foot down when it comes to inappropriate comments.

J&K10910

I agree with Sun, that it might be helpful to offer them some tasks that you don't care about.  For me, it's centerpieces.  My mom really, really wants to help, and if it were up to me, we wouldn't even HAVE CPs.  She has some great ideas and was thrilled when I turned that task over to her.  It's helped keep her nose out of other places as well.  But if this continues, I think I would (with my FI) sit down with the offenders and say "Look, this is what we saved for, this is what we like.  We're paying for it.  Your comments are offensive and are hurting our feelings and we'd appreciate if you could stop."

ipen44

my mother in law to be called me 2 weeks ago and said "we need to plan this wedding.  when are you coming over?"

my wedding is in 4 weeks--that ship had sailed.  i did meet her over at her house and show her everything we had planned and where she could sit.  i let her know there would be opporutnities for her to be involved and i told her what days those were.  i also gave her a couple of tasks that i don't really care about.

it worked well.  what you do now will let both of them know how much they can interfere in the future.  wait unti you want to formula feed and they insist the breast is best ; )  setting a firm boundry while being polite and considerate of their needs will let them know the rules for participating in your lives in the future.

good luck.

squirrly

There's some gread advice above.  If that doesn't work, I'd be a bit blunt.

"Wow.  That's really hurtful.  We're planning the wedding WE want.  I'm sorry it's not up to your standards, but we really have no intention of changing things to suit you."

Now, that said - be sure that you've heard and considered their advice.  Don't dismiss it just because it's coming from them.  If it's truly bad advice or unhelpful, and they won't back off with gentler methods, then blunt may be your only option.  Keep in mind, though, that you might be better off just ignoring them.