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Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage

aahenceaahence member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 years (since freshman year of college). We have been waiting to get settled in our careers to get married so that we will be financially able to pay for our own wedding. I suspect that the question will be popped soon and I am ready to be officially his wife, so the sooner the better! The problem is that I know that it will take us at least a year to plan and finance a wedding that we want (which will be a budget wedding, nothing over the top, but close family alone gets us to approx. 125 guests). Would it be ok to have a preacher marry us in his office this year and have the actual ceremony sometime next year? We do not plan to register for gifts until the actual ceremony and will not have a celebration until then. 
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    AmoroAgainAmoroAgain member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    BOOOO.  This is a terrible terrible idea.  If you want to get married right away, that's great, but don't plan for a pretty princess day for after you've already gotten hitched.
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    Belle2BeBelle2Be member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:f58b7443-09be-4ef6-a364-c2760a5a58fc">Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 years (since freshman year of college). We have been waiting to get settled in our careers to get married so that we will be financially able to pay for our own wedding. I suspect that the question will be popped soon and I am ready to be officially his wife, so the sooner the better! The problem is that I know that it will take us at least a year to plan and finance a wedding that we want (which will be a budget wedding, nothing over the top, but close family alone gets us to approx. 125 guests). Would it be ok to have a preacher marry us in his office this year and have the actual ceremony sometime next year? We do not plan to register for gifts until the actual ceremony and will not have a celebration until then. 
    Posted by aahence[/QUOTE]
    No, it's not ok.
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    WildRumpusWildRumpus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    As a guest, I'd give that a major side-eye-assuming that you're actually going to TELL your guests that you're already married.
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    Goldlie11Goldlie11
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    Why would you want to do that?
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    laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:f58b7443-09be-4ef6-a364-c2760a5a58fc">Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 years (since freshman year of college). We have been waiting to get settled in our careers to get married so that we will be financially able to pay for our own wedding. <strong>I suspect that the question will be popped soon</strong> and I am ready to be officially his wife, so the sooner the better! The problem is that I know that it will take us at least a year to plan and finance a wedding that we want (which will be a budget wedding, nothing over the top, but close family alone gets us to approx. 125 guests). <strong>Would it be ok to have a preacher marry us in his office this year and have the actual ceremony sometime next year?</strong> We do not plan to register for gifts until the <strong>actual ceremony</strong> and will not have a celebration until then. 
    Posted by aahence[/QUOTE]
    A. Cart before the horse.
    B. Why do you need to get married now? If you know it'll take a year to save the money, then be engaged for a year and save the money.
    C. Would you tell everyone you were already married when you have your vow renewal?
    D. If you are married at the end of it, then it is an "actual ceremony."
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    LesPaulLesPaul member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    No.  Your wedding ceremony happens when you get married.  If that's in the preacher's office, or at the JOP, that's your wedding, and that's all you get.  If you do this and have a subsequent ceremony, it is a vow renewal and should be advertised as such.
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    Belle2BeBelle2Be member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:3ca7dfd5-b2f3-439c-bb7a-4afd72ba671f">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage : A. Cart before the horse<strong>. B. Why do you need to get married now?</strong> If you know it'll take a year to save the money, then be engaged for a year and save the money. C. Would you tell everyone you were already married when you have your vow renewal? D. If you are married at the end of it, then it is an "actual ceremony."
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]
    This too. You've waited 7 years, whats a couple more to do it right?
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    AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    If you have a "wedding" a year after you get married, it's not a wedding.  It's a vow renewal.

    Why do you want to be "married" before your "wedding?"  Won't the wedding be more special if you wait?


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    temerityjanetemerityjane
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    I don't really want to come to your wedding to see you "pretend" to get married. It's like putting on a show.
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    TurtlesAllTheWayDownTurtlesAllTheWayDown member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    edited August 2010
    Do you mean "actual reception" one year later?

    If you invite anyone to your original ceremony the least you can do is take them out for a light meal or something. This might include parents (who would likely be VERY hurt to not witness the actual, legal marriage of their children).

    You can have a first anniversary party/vow renewal, but I have yet to see many realyl good reasons for doing this. Mostly I think it looks like an excuse to have an AW party.

    I know several people who have not had big "weddings." One JOPed it alone and didn't do anything after just signing the papers. One took their immediate family to vegas and had dinner right after (there were about 8 guests total at her wedding). Neither had a big wedding-related party at a later date.

    The way I see it, if you havea convincing reason to want to be married NOW, then get married. If you want a big, fun wedding with lots of people, the trick is that you'll need to wait until you can organize it and afford it. Adults make tough choices.

    Also, have you talked to your boyfriend about marriage? Have you looked at rings? What does he think about the kind of wedding he wants?
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    pinkpinotpinkpinot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:f321ad70-2d13-4841-87a9-ca01bbb685bb">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't really want to come to your wedding to see you "pretend" to get married. It's like putting on a show.
    Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

    Exactly.  I will have attended 2 weddings this year (one is happening next month) where the couple was already married but put on the big show for everyone.  Lame. 
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    aahenceaahence member
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    Wow! Thanks for the quick responses! Honestly, I do have several personal reasons as to why I want to do it sooner rather than later that I do not wish to share. Yes I would tell people that we were married, and possibly on the invitations word it as a "renewing of our vows" type of thing. The main reason for wanting an actual wedding-type of ceremony is to give my father the chance to give me away, as I am his only daughter, and for the memories that you don't get from getting married in the preachers office. 90% of the guests that would attend would be close family, so I really don't think they would be giving me the "side eye." Anyone who is like that would likely not be invited in the first place, or would likely not come, which would be fine as well.  
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    twilight.rosetwilight.rose member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Ditto PPs. You get ONE wedding. If you choose to do it in a preacher's office, that's your wedding. If you choose to wait a year or two and save for the wedding of your dreams, that will be your wedding. You can't have it both ways.
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    xyriusxyrius
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:f321ad70-2d13-4841-87a9-ca01bbb685bb">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't really want to come to your wedding to see you "pretend" to get married. It's like putting on a show.
    Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

    this. 

    not to be mean, but seriously, this is exactly what your guests will think.  just wait a year.

    and don't worry about it until you're actually engaged.
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    squirrlysquirrly member
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    Nope.  Just get engaged and enjoy the year that way.  Don't lie. 

    What happens when, 6 months from now, you decide its time for kids?  How are you going to explain THAT?
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    TurtlesAllTheWayDownTurtlesAllTheWayDown member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    Well, you could compromise and have a small wedding in 6 months. I mean, there are lots of options. And no, you don't know how people will react. They won't tell you they think it's a crappy idea to your face.

    You can hire a JOP and get married outside with immediate family, then have dinner with 10-15 people. Something like that would be nice, classy, and not expensive.
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    MissIntentionalMissIntentional
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    just get married and skip the wedding. most of me wishes we had.
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    pinkpinotpinkpinot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:710dc0af-e470-4d80-be60-0143d76c5b77">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow! Thanks for the quick responses! Honestly, I do have several personal reasons as to why I want to do it sooner rather than later that I do not wish to share. Yes I would tell people that we were married, and possibly on the invitations word it as a "renewing of our vows" type of thing. The main reason for wanting an actual wedding-type of ceremony is to give my father the chance to give me away, as I am his only daughter, and for the memories that you don't get from getting married in the preachers office. 90% of the guests that would attend would be close family, so I really don't think they would be giving me the "side eye." Anyone who is like that would likely not be invited in the first place, or would likely not come, which would be fine as well.  
    Posted by aahence[/QUOTE]

    People will talk about it.  I've been to 2 pretend weddings this year and amongst the shared friends we all have everyone thought it was ridiculous.  As a guest, the wedding feels different to. 
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    laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:710dc0af-e470-4d80-be60-0143d76c5b77">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow! Thanks for the quick responses! <strong>Honestly, I do have several personal reasons as to why I want to do it sooner rather than later that I do not wish to share.</strong> Yes I would tell people that we were married, and possibly on the invitations word it as a "renewing of our vows" type of thing. <strong>The main reason for wanting an actual wedding-type of ceremony is to give my father the chance to give me away, as I am his only daughter, and for the memories that you don't get from getting married in the preachers office.</strong> 90% of the guests that would attend would be close family, so I really don't think they would be giving me the "side eye." Anyone who is like that would likely not be invited in the first place, or would likely not come, which would be fine as well.  
    Posted by aahence[/QUOTE]
    I think you should decide which is more important: getting married now, or having a non JOP wedding. Etiquette wise, it's fine to have a vow renewal, as long as you're honest about what it is and you don't mislead people and tell them you're not actually married. Having said that, though, I'm just not a fan of the JOP now, vow renewal later concept at all. It's a personal preference, obviously, but most of life is about deciding what's important to you and doing what you can to make that happen. What you wanna do is a case of having your cake and eating it too, and I'm just not a fan of that.
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:710dc0af-e470-4d80-be60-0143d76c5b77">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow! Thanks for the quick responses! Honestly, I do have several personal reasons as to why I want to do it sooner rather than later that I do not wish to share. Yes I would tell people that we were married, and possibly on the invitations word it as a "renewing of our vows" type of thing. <strong>The main reason for wanting an actual wedding-type of ceremony is to give my father the chance to give me away, as I am his only daughter, and for the memories that you don't get from getting married in the preachers office.</strong> 90% of the guests that would attend would be close family, so I really don't think they would be giving me the "side eye." Anyone who is like that would likely not be invited in the first place, or would likely not come, which would be fine as well.  
    Posted by aahence[/QUOTE]

    Flaw in your plan: your father isn't giving you away at ALL if you're already married. So what's the point in that?

    If you don't want the memories from the preacher's office, it's simple: don't get married there. Develop some more patience and wait. You can't have it both ways. It's one or the other. If you want to have a vow renewal party that's one thing- but another ceremony?! That doesn't make any sense at all.
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    parker624parker624
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    You're not even engaged yet.  Why are you worrying?

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    aahenceaahence member
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    To answer some of your questions:

    I am not looking to lie to anyone about not being married, I would tell them. I have considered a small wedding, but it is impossible to narrow down a list to less than 100 people. I have 6 siblings, all of which are married with kids, and I am very close to all of my aunts/uncles and 1st cousins, as if they were my brothers and sisters. I have noted all sorts of ways to reduce the costs, including getting married on off days and in a public park. I do plan to feed the guests which is where a lot of costs can come in. I am about 90% sure the engagement will come within the next 3 months, which is why I want to consider this now. I have also discussed it with him and he said he would be open to it. 


     

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    Goldlie11Goldlie11
    First Comment
    A year is not that long at all.  The average length of an engagement is 16 months.  I wouldn't really want to attend a "wedding" after someone was married becuse they didn't get their pretty princess day the first time around.  The important and touching part is the ceremony.  You would be robbing your guests of that. 
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    AmoroAgainAmoroAgain member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Listen, if my H and I could wait almost 2 years, while we were living in another country going through all kind of intense visa issues that would have been solved had we been married-- there's pretty much no reason you neeeeed to have a JOP and a "wedding" later.
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    akmackayakmackay
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    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:710dc0af-e470-4d80-be60-0143d76c5b77">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow! Thanks for the quick responses! Honestly, I do have several personal reasons as to why I want to do it sooner rather than later that I do not wish to share. Yes I would tell people that we were married, and possibly on the invitations word it as a "renewing of our vows" type of thing. The main reason for wanting an actual wedding-type of ceremony is to give my father the chance to give me away, as I am his only daughter, and for the memories that you don't get from getting married in the preachers office. <strong>90% of the guests that would attend would be close family, so I really don't think they would be giving me the "side eye."</strong> Anyone who is like that would likely not be invited in the first place, or would likely not come, which would be fine as well.  
    Posted by aahence[/QUOTE]

    Wrong. I was at a friend's this weekend where she was putting down her cousin for this exact thing... don't think family doesn't judge.
    *~allie~*

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    temerityjanetemerityjane
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:710dc0af-e470-4d80-be60-0143d76c5b77">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow! Thanks for the quick responses! Honestly, I do have several personal reasons as to why I want to do it sooner rather than later that I do not wish to share. Yes I would tell people that we were married, and possibly on the invitations word it as a "renewing of our vows" type of thing. The main reason for wanting an actual wedding-type of ceremony is to give my father the chance to give me away, as I am his only daughter, and for the memories that you don't get from getting married in the preachers office. 90% of the guests that would attend would be close family, <strong>so I really don't think they would be giving me the "side eye."</strong> Anyone who is like that would likely not be invited in the first place, or would likely not come, which would be fine as well.  
    Posted by aahence[/QUOTE]

    Yes, they would.
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    temerityjanetemerityjane
    First Comment
    So, do you really want to know if it's okay to do, or do you want to keep giving reasons and justifications about your special situation that has never ever happened before in the history of weddings until one person out of 50 agrees with you, thank that single person, ignore everyone else, and do what you want anyway?
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    Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Combo Breaker
    a JOP service is not the only way to have an inexpensive/quick wedding.  you can have a church wedding now, with your father giving you away for very little expense.  we had a very nice church wedding and simple luncheon reception for about $3k, and spent another $2500 on stuff like dress, invites, rings, honeymoon. 

    why is it that 50 years ago (heck, even 20 years ago) no one thought about doing 2 weddings like they do now?
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    pinkpinotpinkpinot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-ceremony-one-year-after-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8f6bac9d-4754-4586-969f-c07641d88ecbPost:0885a2e2-ea1e-48a5-bd6d-9ce05fa8f337">Re: Wedding Ceremony one year after marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]To answer some of your questions: I am not looking to lie to anyone about not being married, I would tell them. I have considered a small wedding, but it is impossible to narrow down a list to less than 100 people. I have 6 siblings, all of which are married with kids, and I am very close to all of my aunts/uncles and 1st cousins, as if they were my brothers and sisters. I have noted all sorts of ways to reduce the costs, including getting married on off days and in a public park. I do plan to feed the guests which is where a lot of costs can come in. I am about 90% sure the engagement will come within the next 3 months, which is why I want to consider this now. I have also discussed it with him and he said he would be open to it.   
    Posted by aahence[/QUOTE]

    You are still going to deal with these "issues" when you plan the vow renewal anyway.  I'm genuinely curious about why you need to be legally married immediately.  I am not buying what you have been typing. 
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    TurtlesAllTheWayDownTurtlesAllTheWayDown member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    Well, if you start saving now and you engaged 3 months from now, that's only 9 more months you have to wait.
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