VENT! and question

MrsL2014

Okay so FI and I have been together for a year and a half and we just had this amazing oppurtunity to purchase ths home that was in the perfect price range for us and needs a little bit of work, but will be a beautiful home for us.

Anyways, my friend comes up to me and lets me know about a conversation between a few of my other friends and her and the other two friends were apparently talking crap about me and saying things like I am a horrible girl friend and my FI and I arnt going to last, they also made comments about how they think we move way to fast with getting a home together that would be cheaper than renting a smaller place, and they said im the kind of girl who ends up getting pregnant before my wedding.

So I am perfectly fine with ending my relationship with the two girls who were saying this about me, but deal is, one of the girls is with the best man.

Wedding is still a few years away, but do I really have to invite a person to my wedding who makes those kind of comments about me because she is with the best man?

LeiselEB

If the wedding is a few years away, don't even worry yourself about inviting someone who said something stupid. This girl might not even be dating the best man by then. Relationships change over the course of a few years. Just ignore it for now and stop thinking about little wedding details like specifically who to invite. Focus on the big stuff.

arendiva

If the wedding is still a few years away she might not be dating him anymore. Heck if it's years away than he might not even be your pick for the best man anymore (unless you've already asked him). Though really if the wedding is still a few years out than you really jumped the gun on selecting a bridal party.

Avion22

Wow, those were some stupid comments, but it could be that they are coming from the right place.  With three years till your wedding, they might be worried that you ARE moving along too quickly.  I have a bunch of friends who have bought houses with fiances/fiancees and then broken up, which makes for a HUGE mess to untangle the finances.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you ARE moving too fast, just that I can see how your friends might be a little concerned for you (though telling you what they did/how they did it was really insensitive).

Do your best to ignore it.  You obviously know the "risks" involved with buying a house and gave it due consideration before doing what you decided was the right thing for the two of you. End the friendship if you think you must.  I would probably take a step back for a little bit but not end the friendship completely right away, and see how things go.  WAY too early to start thinking about your bridal party or who will be invited though.

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  While they definitely shouldn't have been gossiping about you (and your other friend probably shouldn't have brought it to your attention), you've got some time to let this play out naturally. 

DH and I also bought our first home fairly quickly (together two years, he wasn't even FI yet).  Some people thought we were nuts, and others couldn't understand why it was a good financial move since we weren't married.  We become adept at responding to those people with "this is a decision that's right for us and we're very excited." 

At the same time, I agree with Avion - it is a lot harder to unsort your finances once you make such a larger joint purchase.  Be sure to take the steps (with your attorney) to work out what happens to the home if something happens to one of you, or in case your relationship dissolves.  It doesn't mean it's going to, it just means you are being proactive instead of reactive.

As far as who you must invite and the BP, if your date really isn't until July 2014, you can (and should) put off asking your bridal party until November 2013 at the very earliest, six to nine months out.  If opinionated friend is still dating the best man when you send your invites in May 2014, she must be invited since she is an SO.  But that doesn't mean you need to be anything more than passingly friendly or attentive, especially if you friendship cools significantly because of this incident.

StephBeanWed61502

Side note, do you really KNOW they said what your friend reports? I only ask because I once had a situation with a girl, let's call her A, who I thought was a friend telling me another friend, B, was talking about me. I told a few other mutual friends about it when they asked why I had cooled things off with B, and it turns A was really the one saying all the nasty things A claimed B had said. My point is, verify before you write these people off.

NOLAbridealmost

First of all, I can almost guarantee that most friends you've ever have talked some sort of gossipy-smack behind your back at one point or another....the only real difference here is that you're hearing about it from another friend who somehow thought it was a better idea to tell you rather than dismiss it as just fools gossiping out of boredom with their own lives.   Next time you're weighing in on anyone's lifestyle choices (friends' diet, coworker's boyfriend, sister's kid, etc.) imagine it getting back to them because the person you were talking to went and "tattled."  Do you want them cutting you out of their life for it? Would you even expect them to confront you about it? I'm glad you came on here to vent and I hope it makes you feel better, but at this point, honestly, I'd take what they said with a grain of salt and just let it go.

Second, as PPs have said, you've got years until it's even an issue.  They might have broken up and you may have had your baby by then (kidding!). So don't worry about the guest list/wedding party issues just yet. 

Good luck! 

lyndausvi

To answer your question:  Yes, if they are together at the time of your wedding you need to invite her.

When I was 20 years old I talked behind a good friend's back.  At her own wedding a couple of us said this marriage will never last.   Her DH (also a friend) was a Marine and to be honest she was not a good Marine GF. We all knew she would not be a good Marine wife.   She got pregnant right away and we all just shook our heads.  We all knew this would not end well.  

We stayed supportive and kept our opinions amoung ourselves.

Well,  2 years later they were in a one hell of a divorce.  It was bad and ugly.  Everyone around knew it would end that way.  Indivdually they were great people  People who I wanted to be friends with.  They just SUCKED as a couple. 20 years later they are both remarried to spouses who are perfect for one another.      

We have all since moved away from each, so we are not close, but we are still friend .  Sometimes they asked why we didn't say something at the time.   Short answer is we wanted to stay friends.

I'm NOT saying this is the case with you and your FI.  I'm  just saying that sometimes friends and family see things couples don't.  They want to be supportive of you because you are a friend, but that does not mean they doesn't have their opinions. 

 I actually think it's quiet normal for people to have opinions of friend's lives.  Most will never get back to the friend, but yeah, I think most people have them.

nextrightthing

Like PPs said, don't worry about it.  It is also true that they might be genuinely concerned.  Legally, it is generally a very bad idea to purchase a house with someone to whom you aren't married.  Hopefully it will turn out really well for you guys, though.  They also might just be jealous!  I know I get house envy from time to time, since we are still renting!

Peledreamsofrain

Give those ridiculous comments all the attention and credit they deserve (none).  You wading into the fray somewhat validates them because you thought them worthwhile enough to confront.  Nothing says distain like totally ignoring the existance of something.

Also, give her time to turn that destructive nastiness on her own relationship.  HIghschool-minded people have Highschool-length relationships.

Kristin789

since she's that kind of girl, the best man will tire of this soon, and they will NOT be together when you need to make decisions for your wedding two years from now.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-and-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fb6a370-9ba9-4244-835c-2641545dbaecPost:ccd66cd9-cf14-4538-b04c-fa1ce3a4e244">Re:VENT! and question</a>:
[QUOTE]Side note, do you really KNOW they said what your friend reports? I only ask because I once had a situation with a girl, let's call her A, who I thought was a friend telling me another friend, B, was talking about me. I told a few other mutual friends about it when they asked why I had cooled things off with B, and it turns A was really the one saying all the nasty things A claimed B had said. My point is, verify before you write these people off.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
This.  There might be some jealousy and the person or people you think are your friends (including the one who told you this) are sick of seeing you so happy cause misery loves company.  Either way you have no proof any of this is true so let it go and keep a watchful eye.  Sometimes the ones who tell these things like to see drama erupt.  Also, everyone doesn't need to know you and FI's business so be a bit more cautious with what you share and who you share it with.  By the time you send out invites you'll know who should get one and who shouldn't.  But as a rule of thumb "he said, she said" info from third parties should be taken with a grain of salt.  It can smack of grade school antics.