courthouse before destination wedding

lbieber

My fiance and I are planning a destination wedding in Mexico. We want to do the "paperwork" ceremony at a courthouse in Virginia where we live, just the two of us, very low-key.  No rings exchanged or anything.  My parents want us to do the courthouse ceremony in Michigan (where both our families live), so immediate family members (like 25 people) can be in attendance at the "real wedding." 

My question: How do I convince our parents that our spiritual ceremony in Mexico is supposed to be the "real" wedding?  I don't want the courthouse part to feel real to anyone!

ricksang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-before-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9012391e-bc54-44cb-a3d2-73bfd096cb6ePost:8a96a5af-1035-4a5a-b554-d4f4c3ecbb55">courthouse before destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are planning a destination wedding in Mexico. We want to do the "paperwork" ceremony at a courthouse in Virginia where we live, just the two of us, very low-key.  No rings exchanged or anything.  My parents want us to do the courthouse ceremony in Michigan (where both our families live), so immediate family members (like 25 people) can be in attendance at the "real wedding."  My question: How do I convince our parents that our spiritual ceremony in Mexico is supposed to be the "real" wedding?  I don't want the courthouse part to feel real to anyone!
Posted by lbieber[/QUOTE]

Wait, who is going to the Mexico wedding?

ExpatPumpkin

You do realize that the Mexican wedding can/will have the same legal validity as the Virginia courthouse wedding, right? 

Therefore, there's no need for the Virginia ceremony.  You'll be legally married worldwide after the Mexico ceremony.

ricksang

Exactly what expat said.

TwinsRib

No offense to you or what you have chosen, but this really makes me mad when people go to JOP then have a big charad of a "wedding"... If you want a small JOP wedding, do that... If you want a big party, do that... Don't do both!

My cousin lied to our entire family at his "wedding" after they had already gone to the JOP and were legally married. I don't see the point! Needless to say, we were pissed that we paid money to travel to see them get "married" ::rolls eyes::

andy71781

I hate double weddings.  Seriously - get married in Mexico and it will be legal. 

ThePinkSuperhero

I would just do the courthouse thing in VA a few days before the trip to Mexico, and not tell anyone.  Brush your parents off when they keep asking about the paperwork.

Femlin

we were pissed that we paid money to travel to see them get "married"

^^^^THIS

If I wanted to go to a damned party in Mexico, I would take a vacation.  If you're already married and I did not witness it, then that's all it would be: a party in Mexico where you wear a dress and pretend to get married.

Just skip the JOP and get legally married in Mexico, why not?

NatandIsaac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-before-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9012391e-bc54-44cb-a3d2-73bfd096cb6ePost:7fafba27-330f-44bd-a6eb-1a4a32498f7a">Re: courthouse before destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]No offense to you or what you have chosen, but this really makes me mad when people go to JOP then have a big charad of a "wedding"... If you want a small JOP wedding, do that... If you want a big party, do that... Don't do both! My cousin lied to our entire family at his "wedding" after they had already gone to the JOP and were legally married. I don't see the point! Needless to say, we were pissed that we paid money to travel to see them get "married" ::rolls eyes::
Posted by TwinsRib[/QUOTE]

<div>It's a matter of how you view marriage. I think that the religious ceremony is the <em>real </em>wedding, and the marriage license granted by the state is just something we do to for tax benefits, etc.</div>

jcalma

I agree with most of the other posts.  Get married ONCE and be done with it!  If you want to get married in Mexico, let it be the real thing!  I don't think the JOP ceremony is necessary, and if you do decided to do that ceremony anyway, lying to your parents about it is DEFINITELY not necesary.  If they found out, I think it would just cause conflict and hurt.  I'm getting married in the Cayman Islands so I understand how much family and friends have to go through in order to make it down.  Because of that, i think it should be as authentic and sincere as possible! Good luck!

ThePinkSuperhero

I can understand why a person would want their legal marriage paperwork here in the US vs. in a foreign country.  Definitely more convenient for future paperwork purposes.  If we had gotten married anywhere other than NY (which was never an option, but still), we would've done the paperwork here to facilitate my husband changing his surname.

stinkerbell6879

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-before-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9012391e-bc54-44cb-a3d2-73bfd096cb6ePost:4f9e4115-49cf-4dea-a1f1-e41fd1022760">Re: courthouse before destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I can understand why a person would want their legal marriage paperwork here in the US vs. in a foreign country.  Definitely more convenient for future paperwork purposes.  If we had gotten married anywhere other than NY (which was never an option, but still), we would've done the paperwork here to facilitate my husband changing his surname.
Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]
I think this is why the OP is considering do this. I don't this she is trying to have 2 weddings, but has fear about the paperwork issues.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-before-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9012391e-bc54-44cb-a3d2-73bfd096cb6ePost:8a96a5af-1035-4a5a-b554-d4f4c3ecbb55">courthouse before destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] My question: How do I convince our parents that our spiritual ceremony in Mexico is supposed to be the "real" wedding?  I don't want the courthouse part to feel real to anyone!
Posted by lbieber[/QUOTE]
you can't, because it's not.

furthermore, i think it's atrocious to ask people to travel to a fake wedding (assuming you're inviting people to this mexico farce).

mica178

If you want everyone to consider the religious ceremony the "real" wedding, then you shouldn't invite people to the JOP marriage.  Having an audience at the JOP marriage gives a mixed message as to what you consider important.

I totally get that you want the DW and the pre-DW JOP deal makes your life easier.  I know plenty of couples who did the same thing and I didn't mind at all.  But you can't celebrate the JOP marriage if you want to have another wedding.

Femlin

 "Having an audience at the JOP marriage gives a mixed message as to what you consider important."

I think this is a good point, also.  If you're trying to down play the JOP ceremony and you really consider the spiritual one to be "real" then don't invite people to the JOP one.  Except, of course, any witnesses that you may need.

aggiebug

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-before-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9012391e-bc54-44cb-a3d2-73bfd096cb6ePost:a2863178-7250-4928-85d6-f9a2f34caeaf">Re: courthouse before destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]If you want everyone to consider the religious ceremony the "real" wedding, then you shouldn't invite people to the JOP marriage.  Having an audience at the JOP marriage gives a mixed message as to what you consider important. I totally get that you want the DW and the pre-DW JOP deal makes your life easier.  I know plenty of couples who did the same thing and I didn't mind at all.  But you can't celebrate the JOP marriage if you want to have another wedding.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is what the OP is trying to do, but her <em>parents</em> are trying to convince her to have family at the JOP ceremony.   </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>to the OP I have no idea except just to tell them no one is going to the JOP because you don't consider yourself married at that time. -and don't tell them when and where. </div>

LesaBear

tell them that the dw is what's really special to you and you don't want to downplay the specialness of it by having people at what you just consider to be legal paperwork.

FunKate99

mexico has a lot of different rules and requires you to get blood tests done in mexico. If you don't feel comfortable with this nor have the time there is NOTHING wrong with going to the JOP with the bride, Groom and witness shortly before departing for the wedding celebration. You don't need to make a whole parade of it. You actual WEDDING is the celebration of your love in Mexico. The JOP is just the signing of the papers!  Just tell your parents you are still deciding on how to do it. and take it step by step.
 Good luck!