Need advice... yeah, it's long.

akhensley81

Backstory: 2 years ago, my sister kicked out her boyfriend. I'll call him DB. DB cheated on her several times, got another woman pregnant, refused to work a "real" job so he didn't have to pay child support on his other 3 kids, got drunk all the time, and beat the crap out of her.

After a lot of coaching and crying and shoulder-leaning and several midnight visits for me to get her the eff out of there, she finally kicked him out.

A few weeks later, she found out she was pregnant. Somehow she was convinced that the baby was his. The next thing I knew, they were not only back together - but they were getting married. I expressed (noholdsbarred) my feelings about it, but I went to the wedding anyway because she is my sister.

A week or two after her wedding, we stopped talking. And we went almost a year without barely saying a word to each other.

One day, she called me up and pretty much told me that she wants us to be sisters/friends, but she can't talk to me about DB any more because she knows I don't agree with the relationship and she doesn't agree with me. She will defend him to no end. And she just doesn't want to go there.

So that's how our relationship has been. 90% of the time OK, basically just leaving out any mention of DB because she knows how I feel and she doesn't want to hear it.

Now, I know that DB has been getting worse lately again. She's not directly telling me anything, but it's not hard to figure out. A few weeks ago, she told me that she wasn't speaking to her mother any more because apparently her mom went off on her about DB and told her how awful he was for her and that she can't support the relationship.

Then, she was in my wedding and we spent a lot of time together over that weekend. He was blowing up her phone and acting like a douche for the whole weekend, all pissed off about everything. (Seriously, he screamed at her for looking at the guy she was walking down the aisle with.)

And then yesterday, she posts a FB status update about what a horrible weekend she had. She said she managed to both break a rib and lose a tooth over the weekend. She didn't say how.

Now I'm getting really worried about her again. But given the history, I don't know if it's anywhere near my place to say anything or bring it up. There's a very good chance she will just shut me out and stop talking to me, if I don't approach it carefully. But if she's in trouble, I feel like I need to do something. H kind of gave me a blank stare last night when I asked him, so now I'm asking you ladies. Any ideas?



CN: I'm starting to suspect that my sister's POS H is beating her up. Sister told me several years ago that she doesn't want my opinion on her H because she knows I don't like him and doesn't agree with me. I'm not sure what to do.


TIA, ladies.

LesPaul

She needs your help, and needs DV resources.  Get her the phone numbers for the women's shelter, or whatever agency in her town that can help her.  She is in real danger if he has hurt her like that.  She needs to get past why she has defended him all this time and realize that he will hurt her again.  No question. 

louisvillebride21

Oh, God, AK. I would risk my relationship with her to possibly save her life. No doubt about it. But take that with a grain of salt; my sister and I don't talk.

[Deleted User]

Stay friends with her and leave her H out of it. If there is a real problem, when is is ready, she will talk to you because she trusts you for nit judging her. Also, if you stay in touch with her and see her, you will notice any bruising and can she how she is doing in the situation and need be get her out or get police involved. Or at least get CPS involved because that is not a safe environment for a child. It's a terrible situation, but the best you can do is be friends with her like she asked so she will always trust you and be able to confide and seek refuge when she is ready.

[Deleted User]

That's really tough, I'm sorry to hear about it. To me, if your sister is posting publicly on FB about breaking a rib and losing a tooth, that seems like a cry for help of some kind. Why would she put it out there like that if she didn't want someone asking about it?

I don't know the best path to take, but I would call my sister, flat-out ask if he was beating her, then tell her to get the hell out of there. I couldn't support the relationship but I'd feel too guilty not saying what I really thought. If they have a kid together then he/she could be in danger as well, and I'd be temped to call social services.

My mom and stepdad would be breaking down the door to get me out, whether I want to go or not.

akhensley81

Thanks, ladies. What prompted me to write this was that she texted me a photo of her missing tooth this morning with a silly message about how lovely she looks. I texted her back and asked her what happened, and she said she is going to call me on her break.

I'm hoping if something is going on, I can get her to tell me without having to directly ask. But PPs are right, I might have to risk my relationship with her to try to help her.

Sis' mom threatened to call CPS when she went on her rant a few weeks ago, which is why my sister stopped talking to her. But it's in my mind. Can I do those reports anonymously?

spechtholdn

In Kentucky if there is a domestic violence call then they only arrest someone if they can actually prove that injuries were cause from that person. If you call the police and say that he's beating her up then it's very unlikely he would be arrested if she denies it and you didn't witness it yourself. The state would press charges here also but if the victim does not want to cooperate it's really hard for anything to happen.

arbolita

I am going to assume you can make a report anonymously, but based on the timing, it's likely that she'll suspect you or her mother anyway.  But if something truly is wrong, then as others have said, making a report is worth the risk of that happening if it helps keep her safe for the longterm.

baystateapple

If she's saying she'll call you, it sounds like she might be willing to talk.  I hope so, at least.

I don't know if you can do anonymous CPS reports.

akhensley81

baystate- I've got my cell right next to me at work and I'm trying to keep an eye on it so I can grab it the moment she calls.

If I get time this morning, I might hit up the CPS website and see what information they have.

akhensley81

Thanks jcb, I was actually just on their website reading through the complaint process steps.

vallyhoo

gosh that is just awful. And to think he has kids Sad sad sad

squirrly

You can certainly call and refuse to give your name.  Unless you block your phone number, they'll capture that.  They may or may not take the report seriously if it's anonymous. 

Is their child in school?  In most states (maybe all) teachers and doctors are legally obligated to report abuse or possible abuse that they become aware of.  So if they have a teacher, you could possibly call and clue the teacher in that the child is in a home where, at a minimum, the mother is being abused, which should launch an investigation.

I'd find and call a local abuse hotline and ask for assistance.  They'll know the local laws and be able to advise you.  I would NOT alienate her - she needs somebody around. 

[Deleted User]

You should be able to call anonymously. I did some work with DCF (here in Florida) and the social worker said that when someone calls they don't ask for the person's name or personal information. Everything is anonymous. If the person give their info freely, then they are not allowed to give it to anyone else, not even police.

Celles

It sounds like she's reaching out to you.  Hopefully, she's finally willing to admit that she needs help. 

I don't know your sister, of course, but I do know that when I'm in that kind of head space (frightened, insecure, indecisive, desperate), then I really need someone else to step in, be decisive and take charge.  I have a very submissive personality; a lot of abuse victims do.  (Please understand that I am in no way implying that it's your sister's fault: it's not!  But I do think more assertive people are likely to get out on their own, while others need a little help.  It sounds like your sister may be one of the latter.)

If she gives you even the slightest opening when she calls, I'd take it.  It may be that she just needs a little nudge from you to make a decision she's right on the verge of now.  I really, really hope so.

Hugs! and best wishes.

mica178

Yes, you can report anonymously.  Once you file, the organization will have to look into matters, even if you change your mind, so please talk with your sister first.  If she's "not ready" to leave your BIL (or if your suspicions of DV are false), you could cause more harm than good.  One of the problems with with people in abusive relationships is that they often feel like they "deserve" the abuse and/or that the abuser will change.  So many will stay in dangerous situations.  Abused people usually won't leave a relationship until they are ready, much like alcoholics don't stop drinking until they're ready.  Interventions usually are not very effective.

So if you report anonymously and the state does its investigation and your sister denies the problem, the state will drop the issue.  I would make sure you call CPS/APS when it's most likely to do the most good and your sister is ready to make a move.

kikibaby

I'm so sorry, AK   I'd be very tempted to at least report it to CPS.  She may not want to change her life yet, but that child doesn't deserve to be in an abusive situation. 

akhensley81

Celles- I totally understand what you mean. I think that's going to be my approach when she calls.

Squirrly- There's actually two kids. My niece is hers from previous relationship, and my nephew is theirs. Niece is in 2nd grade, so that's a thought. I could try to find out who her teacher is and reach out to him/her. My nephew is 2 and stays with DB during the day while my sister works 2 jobs. And the poor kid actually broke his leg a few weeks ago (he pulled a TV over on to himself).

Wrkn925

I've *kinda" been in the same situation.
Big Sis was verbally and mentally abused by H.  (She sheepishly denies that there was pyhsical violence.) 
It took about 4 years and two babies to get out of it.  She was sensitive and protective of him.  We couldn't talk about him, and when we tried to convince her to leave, she would often distance herself.

Your best way to get through to her is trying to understand.
Like: "I understand why you love him and defend him, I'm just concerned for your health."
(Even if that's a lie.)
Do not judge and attack H, he is very much in the wrong, but in order to get through to your sister, you can't put him down.  She will automatically become defensive.

My sister has had bad relationships since her first husband died in a car wreck. Just Monday, I missed work to help remove her BF from her house and a bad situation.  She's my older sister, so that often makes it harder for her to listen to my suggestions.  

I wish you and your sister the best, I'm sorry you both have to go through with this.  If you think you can get away with it, make an annonymous call and tell them you saw it on Facebook.  Does she have enough Facebook friends that it would be hard for her to pinpoint who did it?  If her profile is not private, then it could be anyone... 

Manwaithiel

AK, I am SOOO sorry.

First off, I never congratulated you on your wedding. Congrats!

Back to the issue. I think she's in that fragile state where she'll speak to you a  little bit, but it'll take awhile to open her up. I think an anonymous tip to CPS is a good idea. This is not a healthy environment for a child.

On that note, try to make this about her child. Gently remind her that her child is growing up in this environment. I know that's what made my mom get out when I was 3 yrs old. She'd been with deadbeat H for a long time, but once she realized it wasn't getting any better and H was willing to threaten violence on us, that was it for mama bear. She got out like a bat out of hell.

akhensley81

wrkn- I never thought about reporting that I saw it on FB. But I'll bet they're starting to get more of that these days. I'm still waiting for her to call me (I'm guessing she'll call at noon on her lunch break). I'll see what happens from there.

Manwaithiel- thanks!! And I do feel so, so bad for my niece and nephew. Especially my niece because she's definitely old enough to understand what's going on. Nephew just turned 2, so there's a lot he probably still isn't aware of.

Celles

I had a coworker a few years ago who was very obviously being abused by her husband.  He was jealous, controlling, violent.  It wasn't unusual for her to come to work bruised or with noticable pieces of hair missing.  I don't know why this horrifies me more than the rest, but he actually let her dogs go -- literally, opened the door and kicked them out! -- because he couldn't stand her loving anything other than him. 

One day, she called into work because her daughter broke her arm at the playground.  No one believed her; we were all convinced her husband had finally escalated from beating her to beating the children.

I tried so hard for so long to help her get out, but she kept making excuses and even defending him.  Eventually I cut her out of my life.  I still regret it and occasionally wonder if she's okay.  I hope she eventually found the strength to leave on her own, or at least let someone else help her.

I can't imagine watching a sister go through something like this.  I've been thinking about you all morning, AK.  I really hope this works out for you and her.  If I had prayers, you'd be in them; since I'm an atheist, I think I'll just stab a rubber eraser with deformed paper clips and pretend it's her jackass husband.

akhensley81

Celles- Thank you so much. The first go-round that I had with her/him a few years ago left me so emotionally frazzled, I sort of did the same thing. She told me she didn't want to talk to me about him any more, and I welcomed it. I "washed my hands" of it, I guess.

But now I'm realizing I can't do that. She's probably too headstrong to try to get help herself, and she doesn't have a lot of people in her life that she can lean on. And even though she and I have far from a 'conventional' relationship... I am her big sister, after all.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

You've gotten a lot of good advice here AK but I wanted to share a story with you about my aunt who was in an abusive relationship several years ago.

It was a classic case really - all the cliches.  He was manipulative and violent with her, he made threats against her and the rest of my family (he told my grandparents if they pissed him off, he'd tie them up, kill all their animals while they watched, make my grandpa watch as he tortured and killed my grandma, and then he'd shoot my grandpa in the head).  He'd rape her.  But she stayed because he made her believe he loved her, and that no one else would want her, and she thought she could help him to change.  Eventually - he moved her away with him to Arizona (they lived in Cali) and at that distance, my grandparents could do nothing.  Isolation much!?

His mother used to call my grandparents to warn them against him.  That's how bad of a guy he was.  My aunt got pregnant by one of his angry rapings - she had an abortion (I don't like abortion - but I'm fairly sure I would have had one too).

One day, his mom called my grandparents and told them that he had beaten her so badly that she was pretty much a mess - but she wouldn't leave.  She told my grandparents that he'd left town for a few days for work, but when he came back, it was possible that he could kill her.  My grandparents got in their car, drove to Arizona, picked up my aunt and took her away.

What they did was incredibly risky because he knew where my grandparents lived, of course - but he never came looking for my aunt.  Over the years, his mom would call my grandparents or my aunt periodically to tell them that they should either be careful because it was possible he'd be in the area, or, that they could breathe easy for a while because he was in prison.  His mom died last year, but he's in jail for quite a long time at the moment - so hopefully they're good for a while.

Anyway - I guess, I don't want to scare you - but you know this isn't a good situation for your sister or her kids.  Listen to all the advice you've been given here, it's been good.  My aunt is now happily married and has a son and is so much better off than she was with that asshole - and she certainly isn't dead.  Your sister may make excuses for this douche or defend his actions but don't give up on her - eventually, she has to see that this is not an okay situation for her family.  She needs help, and she needs to get out.  And it will take lots of time but if she can successfully get away, she has opportunities for a much happier life and healthier relationship with you and the rest of her family. 

Good luck!!!

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advice-yeah-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:90e59895-6f9d-4e41-9bb3-3d46865138ddPost:e6374016-699c-4d07-a7ff-dcc2e3199680">Re: Need advice... yeah, it's long.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice... yeah, it's long. : This bothers the FuUCK out of me. More worried about the fucking dogs than a woman getting her hair torn out and her kids arm broken? I see people REALLY loving animals. But loving them to the point where their well-being trumps that of a human? I'm sorry, I can never, ever get on board with that.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

LVB, I read this more as him taking from her one of the few relationships she had left, basically just more emotional abuse, not that it was worse for him to have abandoned the dogs than it was for him to beat his wife and possibly his child. But I could also be wrong.

AK, I have no advice, but I'm really sorry to hear about this and hope your sister calls and listens.

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advice-yeah-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:90e59895-6f9d-4e41-9bb3-3d46865138ddPost:36a44133-3197-4f52-a71d-bdb4ef2a6f4b">Re: Need advice... yeah, it's long.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice... yeah, it's long. : LVB, I read this more as him taking from her one of the few relationships she had left, basically just more emotional abuse, not that it was worse for him to have abandoned the dogs than it was for him to beat his wife and possibly his child. But I could also be wrong. AK, I have no advice, but I'm really sorry to hear about this and hope your sister calls and listens.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

You're not wrong. 

I don't want to threadjack, but I have to clarify: I never said (or meant to imply) that I was more worried about the animals in this situation than the humans.  It was horrifying to me because it illustrated the depth of his obsessive possessiveness for his wife and utter disregard for ANY living creature. 

He wanted her so dependent on him that he couldn't even share her with the family pets, and abandoned them to prove that he had complete control over her and to deprive her of any comfort she may derived from their presence.  Physical abuse in the heat of the moment is bad enough, but I literally cannot fathom that kind of deliberate and pre-meditated cruelty.