If you don't receive a STD, do you feel B-listed?

hoffse

I'm asking because a couple of friends of mine got invited to a wedding in the middle of May recently but didn't receive a STD beforehand.  They both felt B-listed, even though they were clearly invited with plenty of notice.  My parents and some of their friends, however, feel that STDs are rude because they find them AWish.  I don't really have an opinion either way, but I'm curious what others think.  FI and I are trying to decide whether or not to do them, and we're erring on the side of "no."  After hearing those recent vents from my friends, however, we're reconsidering.

Thoughts?

J&K10910

We didn't do STDs, but since we had a decent amount of OOT friends and family, we spread the word abotu the date in other ways.  We didn't hear anything about anyone feeling "b-listed."  The thought has never occurred to me.

I also think it's a little different if NO ONE gets STDs, or if some people do and some don't, and the people that don't find out about it (like people posting on FB, etc).  Then I could see wondering, but even then, not everyone always gets STDs even if they're on the guest list at the time. 

crnflkgirl75

It depends on whether others received STD's. I know we didn't send any, and I know other friends who sent them out only to people who would have to make travel arrangements. I don't think STD's are necessarily the norm.

Avion22

I would if other people got one but I didn't.   

Mrs.B6302007

I've only received one STD.  While the wedding was local to me as the bride's friend, all of the groom's list was from OOT.  When I received that STD, I assumed that it was easier for her to send out an STD to everyone since she was sending to so many OOTs anyway.

I have never felt B-listed for a wedding since I've always received an invitation in the traditional range of 6-8 weeks beforehand.

lyndausvi

I guess it depends.  If everyone around me got one and I didn't, then I can see feeling that way.  Honestly I don't read too much into stuff like that.   As long as I get the invite at the same time as everyone else, then I'm good.   

PetalPockets2012

We sent STDs out to everyone except people at my workplace. I don't think not getting a STD automatically means you're on the B list. Most of our guests are out of state and we have maybe 4 friends who only have to drive less than an hour.

OliveOilsMom

I wouldn't feel B listed if I did not get a STD.  Sometimes they are only sent to the OOT guests, to give them a heads up.  I would only feel B listed if I received an invitation with less than a month before the wedding.  It's possible that after STDs go out, the couple gets some extra money (whether a parent gives money or a bonus from work, etc) and the couple decide to invite more people.  I wouldn't consider that B listing, unless those invites go out after everyone elses.

STDs aren't mandatory, so why should someone feel bad about NOT getting one.  I don't understand how its rude to let people know that a wedding is coming up and to hold open that date, it's not a subpeona just a heads up. 

NOLAbridealmost

I definitely wouldn't feel B-listed if I didn't get an STD.  I've planned a wedding. I understand that couples need to keep their guest lists flexible until the traditional invitation time frame for the wedding.

I'm also of the mindset that STDs should only be sent to VIPs (immediate family, best friends) or for DWs. 

littleluckypenny

As PPs said, unless everyone else I know got an STD and I didn't, then I would feel a little weird, but I would only truly feel B-listed if I got an invitation after everyone else.

It could be that the couple didn't finalize their list early, but did finalize it by the time invitations are ready to be sent.  NBD.

There could be some people the couple are on the fence about and decided to include them three months before the wedding.  Invitations go out a month later.  Those people that they added were not B-listed.

SparrowSong

I think of STDs as a more modern trend, and while they are super common on wedding planning boards, I don't think they are the norm in the real world. I had never received a STD before until about 4-5 yrs ago. Not sure they are really standard practice, so no, I wouldn't be offended for not receiving one. Obviously if it is clear that the couple did sent them out to everyone, but I didn't get one I might think I was B list but... meh. Honestly I doubt I would give that much thought to it. 

katehar01

I agree with NOLA (it's not letting me quote for some reason). 

When I was sending out my STDs, I assumed I's send them to everyone, but it seemed like the party line on the boards was "only VIPs and OOTers".  I'm so glad I did it that way now, because there will be some small changes to the guest list that I couldn't have made if I sent them to everyone.

No one should feel B listed for not getting a STD; they're not mandatory, and they're relatively new.  My older guests didn't really get what they were.  Just send out all the invites on time, and you're good.

hoffse

Thanks for the input everybody - I never thought of it as a B-list thing either, but when two people within the same week mentioned it I was sort of taken aback.  I did tell them that STDs weren't required, and they said, "well yeah... but everybody sends them these days so I feel like I was invited as an afterthought or to get gifts."  We are probably not going to do them and just casually let our out-of-towners know the date.  I feel better!  I really didn't want to have to budget for them (and it would require budgetting because I'm OCD about nice paper), because to be honest I usually throw them away.

random4180

We've never been invited to a wedding so we really knew nothing about the norm when it came to most things, including STDs. We decided to do them because we're getting married on a weekday and the guest list isn't huge- we sent out maybe 80-something STDs and that was to everyone. I wouldn't feel B-listed unless I got an invite, like, two weeks before the wedding.

CFM102012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_if-you-dont-receive-a-std-do-you-feel-b-listed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9116ce59-beca-4648-a8f9-b56745ca6886Post:caf642b6-e2e8-4ebd-970a-7ae684329c54">Re: If you don't receive a STD, do you feel B-listed?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess it depends.  If everyone around me got one and I didn't, then I can see feeling that way.  Honestly I don't read too much into stuff like that.   As long as I get the invite at the same time as everyone else, then I'm good.   
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  Although I have been B-listed. I got the invite only a 3 or 4 weeks before the wedding with a note saying that I could RSVP up to a few days after the RSVP date.  I didn't go.</div>

mica178

I usually don't compare notes with other people about weddings (I try to avoid putting my foot in my mouth if possible), so I don't know if other people received STDs.  If someone brought up a wedding that I didn't receive an STD to, I wouldn't take it personally.  I know how hard it is to decide on a guest list!

If you have doubts or if a significant portion of your guestlist is unused to STDs, just skip them.  Once you send them, you are committing to inviting everyone you sent an STD to, so for people whose budgets are up in the air, STDs are more of a pain than they are worth.

kateguess22

If I didn't get a STD to your wedding I'd just assume that you didn't do save-the-dates. Most of the weddings that I went to didn't do them.

deanozzi

I did not send the STD out to a couple of people on my FI side because no one would give me the address'. But I would hope they would not feel that way when the get the invites in a week or two.

Starqueg

I'm sending STDs to pretty much my entire guest list, except for four of my friends from high school that I might not invite.  I haven't decided on them yet, since we barely talk anymore, so I don't want to force myself to invite them.  I guess it's sort of b-listing, except that I'll send all the invitations out at the same time, theirs' included if I invite them at all.  If they find out, whatever.  I'm at the point in the lack of relationship where I don't care anymore.

Roxie2012

We only sent them to fiance's family and friends and a few from my family, all who are out of state. Everyone local already knows when the wedding is, so they will just get the invitation.

dupp0002

We sent STDs 6 months before our wedding, because most people will have to travel for the wedding (it's in Wisconsin where I grew up, we live in Pennsylvania)...  I think it's only a question of B list if you send STDs to most people and it's widely known that they were sent.  We made sure we sent them to everyone we plan to invite, even if it means we may have to invite a few we weren't sure about.... I got a great deal on magnet STDs at www.magnetstreet.com - same pricing I found on a lot of photo cards, and mail for the same single stamp!

Future Mrs. Lindstrom

I only sent STD's to the wedding party that listed all the dates like fittings, rehearsal and such as well as a wedding save the date to just the grandparents. This made sure that everyone that needed to know had the info at hand.

Our guests were fine with just getting an invitation.

stefaniewattie

Depends.. we sent STD's but only to people who lived Out of Province that were FOR SURE being invited.
I guess if we had decided to add on other people that were out of province later and just sent an invite like everyone else, (we didnt)  I guess someone might be bothered by that.. felt like an after thought maybe?
but its not as bad as say..not getting a STD then not getting an invitation at the same time as other people, and then later being invited... THATS a B-List, not getting a STD doesnt make you a B-Lister, at least in my case it wouldnt have, it just meant my guest list fluctuated so much that I only sent STD's to for sures only. Anyone whos planned a wedding knows that your guest list will have to fluctuate alot before the invites are actually getting sent out.

honeybear072012

We are having our wedding in PA with all of FI's family in MI.  I only sent STDs to people who were out of town who would need to make travel arrangements and to family and friends who would want a copy.  We've still been finalizing the guest list so there will be some friends who did not get a save the date.  They are by no means B-Listed though as they are on my final guest list but it's been finalized so late that we're about 3 weeks away from sending out formal invitations so it wouldn't make sense to send out save the dates.  I hope those people don't feel B-listed as that wasn't the intent just took a long time to get everyone on the same page.

I know I've been B-listed as I've been told I have been and I totally get it and have not been offended.  For the most part B-lists are because of family and I don't find them offensive as long as it's not done just to fill spots but I feel that you should be totally honest and tell people what's going on regardless of STDs.