multi-cultural ettiquette conundrum

PDXMartha

I would like to send out invitations to my fiance's family, however, since they are Chinese, my FMIL says that they can only get one invitation. Something about they can only receive one invitation for a wedding.  She started throwing out something about unlucky and 2 invitations (1 to the wedding in one location and 1 to the Chinese reception) is only acceptable if we are getting married twice (and not in the sense of 2 receptions; in the sense that we get divorced and get married again, which obviously isn't an option!)
We are getting married in my home town and having a second reception in our hometown, thrown by his parents.
Truthfully, due to the distance, they won't attend the actual wedding.  However, I can't imagine NOT inviting them, and I don't want to start off marrying into his family with them knowing we didn't invite them to the wedding, though my full family is invited.
Do we seriously not invite any of his family, outside his parents and siblings, to our wedding?
I can't wait for that conversation: 
why didn't any of your relatives come to your wedding?
oh, we didn't invite them.

Thoughts?  Have any one else heard of this in the Chinese culture?  Is this common???

mwhitson14

A quick Google search doesn't pull up anything about the unluckiness of two, and wikipedia actually says two is considered a lucky number:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Numbers_in_Chinese_culture

so I don't really know what else to tell you. Have you talked to your FI about what she said?

SarahPLiz

Print special invites for them with ALL the information on it. Then its only 1 invite for 2 parties. They can choose which ones they want to attend

Brie2010

If you look under Cultural Wedding Boards, there's a whole Chinese Weddings board.  They might be more helpful.

ootmother2

ditto the cultural boards

also, why are you doing the planning?  I thought that Chinese tradition dictated that the groom's family planned and paid for the wedding of their sons.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Is there a reason for two separate parties? Sometimes Chinese brides (or those marrying into the culture) have a traditional ceremony and more western reception, or vice verse. 

squirrly

I would try the Chinese board, and ask for suggestions there. 

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_chinese-weddings

Perhaps one invitation packet with inserts for both would be acceptable?

PDXMartha

I've look at the Chinese boards and tried googling ettiquette.

I'm American, (European blend generations ago) and grew up in the Midwest.  He is Chinese - American (both his parents immigrated from China).  We met and are living in the Northwest, which is also where he is from.  We're having two receptions because our wedding is in my hometown, but his parents want to throw us a Chinese reception here, where we currently live (as does much of his family).  Our wedding is very much Americanized. I'm wearing the traditional white gown, and our color is lavender.

My fiance's the one who told me.  He stopped questioning it as he's talked with them repeatedly about it, but when we tried looking it up, we can't find anything.  I wasn't sure if others experiences the same thing.

I don't want to not invite people we want at the wedding.  We know that they likely won't attend, due to the distance, however, it is my opinion that it is not for us to decide they won't be attending; it is for the guests to decide if they will accept our invitation.

squirrly

I'm not sure when Ring_Pop is due back from her vacation, but she might have some insight.

ExpatPumpkin

As someone who moved to another country to live with my husband, here's my advice:  Do it like she says

Etiquette and customs vary so much across cultures, and your way of seeing it - that you're not fully inviting them - probably means absolutely nothing to them. 

My understanding of Chinese culture is that family ties are VERY important, so I can't imagine that she'd risk offending them.  So I would listen to your FMIL and concede to her knowledge of her culture and family... 

ExpatPumpkin

Also, to put your mind at rest, why don't you seek out other sources about this issue?  The first thing that comes to my mind would be your local university.  Why don't you call up a native Chinese professor and ask about it?  A woman would probably know more about it

squirrly

Also, have you talked to FMIL about your concerns?  That you want them to be welcome to attend all the events, not just one or the other?

mwhitson14

Well you said your FMIL was the one who told you this, not your FI, hence my suggestion to speak to your FI about this.

Also, what about the suggestions of one invitation with both sets of information on there?

jenandcris

::waves:: I'm part Chinese (but all Asian). I've never heard of not being able to get two invites unless X and Y divorce and then remarry... And I've been to DOZENS of Chinese weddings.

Personally, I'm sending everything in ONE pocketfold invitation. One page will invite Mr. and Mrs. Z to the happy wedding weekend. Another page will discuss the Asian ceremony, another will discuss matters of the church, and the last will have info on the reception.

Just a thought. GL!

J.T.

Just a thought, but maybe FMIL is embarassed that she will be unable to attend the event, and doesn't want her family there to see that she can't attend, so she made up an excuse for them not to get invites to the wedding.  My H is Asian, and pride can be a huge factor in those cultures.

On a side note, how does your H feel about his parents not being at the actual wedding?  I know I would have cut corners wherever possible to get my in-laws to the wedding.

PDXMartha

Thanks for all your ideas, guys!

sorry for the confusion.  Parents and siblings will attend in midwest.  That's all; no grandparents, no cousins, no aunts, no uncles (let alone even further out in relation).  His brother and sister are both in the wedding party.

I feel like we have the "brides party" in the midwest and the "grooms party" in the northwest.  It seems like the the idea of a marriage uniting our families is lost on our events!  Family is super important to me and I cried at the thought of not inviting his grandparents!  I KNOW they can't make the trip, but to not invite them?  I don't want them to think we didn't invite them and think poorly on my or my family.  What a way to start out our marriage with a resentful family, isn't it?
That said, I could be blowing this all out of proportion.  Perhaps they won't care, since they will be invited to the Chinese reception later.

I have read online and heard from my fiance that they are more interested in the reception than a wedding ceremony - the wedding ceremony can often be a simple, quick civil  union, then onto the 10 course dinner!

On the plus side, we can save a ton by not increasing our invitation order and not requiring as much in postage! (that was partly sarcastic, but had to find a positive aspect in there somewhere; it's all I could come up with.)