If you are someone's Maid of Honor, do they have to be yours?

Amanda Ruckus

My cousin and I are close. We grew up together. She just got engaged and I have it from reliable sources that my man will propose in a month. We're both planning our weddings and she asked who my MoH was, and I told her I was thinking of splitting duties between my best friend from high school (I was her MoH, and she would be my Matron of Honor) and my dear friend here at home, who has been with me every step of the way with the man I'm going to marry. (She would be my Maid of Honor.)
 I asked my cousin who her MoH is and she said it was me. I was surprised. As little girls we talked about it, but we've lived so far away from each other for so long, seeing each other once a year if we're lucky, I thought for sure she would have chosen one of her school friends.
 I balked and started to clumsily explain why I wanted my two friends in the position, and she said I didn't need to explain, it was my wedding. Yet I feel I've slighted her.  I don't know what the protocol is here. In one sense I've chosen two women who are deeply involved in my life, who I see often, who know every facet of my relationship with my groom to be...and in another sense I've put two friends before a family member. My guts hurt. Any thoughts?

thurmanpowell

You're fine. You weren't wrong.

Barbiiieee

I think it always feels like a tough choice, but nobody is ever really offended. I had three sisters to choose from, and none of them were mad, because they were too busy being excited for me. 

Are you putting her in your bridal party at all?

arco13

Nope, it's not tit for tat. I can understand the feeling of not wanting her to feel like she's not as important to you as you are to her, but like PP said, since you've already mentioned that you're considering the other 2, asking her now would cheapen the "honor", because she would know that you only did it because she asked you.

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_if-you-are-someones-maid-of-honor-do-they-have-to-be-yours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9202881f-9df5-47cb-98e0-f5ee465f9ab4Post:ee2aea3c-1aab-43ed-87f2-2ab1967eef9b">If you are someone's Maid of Honor, do they have to be yours?</a>:
[QUOTE]My cousin and I are close. We grew up together. She just got engaged and I have it from reliable sources that <strong>my man will propose in a month. We're both planning our weddings</strong> and she asked who my MoH was, and I told her I was thinking of splitting duties between my best friend from high school (I was her MoH, and she would be my Matron of Honor) and my dear friend here at home, who has been with me every step of the way with the man I'm going to marry. (She would be my Maid of Honor.)  I asked my cousin who her MoH is and she said it was me. I was surprised. As little girls we talked about it, but we've lived so far away from each other for so long, seeing each other once a year if we're lucky, I thought for sure she would have chosen one of her school friends.  I balked and started to clumsily explain why I wanted my two friends in the position, and she said I didn't need to explain, it was my wedding. Yet I feel I've slighted her.  I don't know what the protocol is here. In one sense I've chosen two women who are deeply involved in my life, who I see often, who know every facet of my relationship with my groom to be...and in another sense I've put two friends before a family member. My guts hurt. Any thoughts?
Posted by Amanda Ruckus[/QUOTE]

Why are you <em>both</em> planning your weddings?  You're not even engaged yet. 

ETA: Please wait until you are actually engaged to start planning your wedding.  If your bf is not actually planning a proposal or is going to wait longer than the month you think, it is going to be a HUGE let down for you.  Oh and you will also look all BSC planning a wedding, ya know, before the proposal.

lyndausvi

 I've been a MOH 3 times.  The only one I reciprocated was my sister.  The other 2 wearn't even in my wedding.

misssunshine17

Wait to plan your wedding until you're actually engaged. 

Carson386

I agree on waiting until you're engaged to plan. You don't have to have someone as your MOH just because they re having you. I was a MOH last year, it completely wrecked our friendship and I definitely wouldn't let her EVER my in my wedding party. But at the same time, when my MOH gets married, I don't expect to be her MOH.
Were you planning on having her in the bridal party? Or maybe doing a reading?

ashleyy00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_if-you-are-someones-maid-of-honor-do-they-have-to-be-yours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9202881f-9df5-47cb-98e0-f5ee465f9ab4Post:5132e06f-1128-4ffa-927e-5975441a1e6f">Re: If you are someone's Maid of Honor, do they have to be yours?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to If you are someone's Maid of Honor, do they have to be yours? : Why are you both planning your weddings?  You're not even engaged yet.  ETA: <strong>Please wait until you are actually engaged to start planning your wedding.  If your bf is not actually planning a proposal or is going to wait longer than the month you think, it is going to be a HUGE let down for you.  Oh and you will also look all BSC planning a wedding, ya know, before the proposal.</strong>
Posted by LiLe422[/QUOTE]

this.

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_if-you-are-someones-maid-of-honor-do-they-have-to-be-yours?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9202881f-9df5-47cb-98e0-f5ee465f9ab4Post:ee2aea3c-1aab-43ed-87f2-2ab1967eef9b">If you are someone's Maid of Honor, do they have to be yours?</a>:
[QUOTE]My cousin and I are close. We grew up together. She just got engaged and I have it from reliable sources that my man will propose in a month. We're both planning our weddings and she asked who my MoH was, and <strong>I told her I was thinking of splitting duties between my best friend from high school (I was her MoH, and she would be my Matron of Honor) and my dear friend here at home</strong>, who has been with me every step of the way with the man I'm going to marry. (She would be my Maid of Honor.)  I asked my cousin who her MoH is and she said it was me. I was surprised. As little girls we talked about it, but we've lived so far away from each other for so long, seeing each other once a year if we're lucky, I thought for sure she would have chosen one of her school friends.  I balked and started to clumsily explain why I wanted my two friends in the position, and she said I didn't need to explain, it was my wedding. Yet I feel I've slighted her.  I don't know what the protocol is here. In one sense I've chosen two women who are deeply involved in my life, who I see often, who know every facet of my relationship with my groom to be...and in another sense I've put two friends before a family member. My guts hurt. Any thoughts?
Posted by Amanda Ruckus[/QUOTE]

I agree with what PPs have addressed so far.  I know you are excited about your (likely) upcoming engagement, and if you want to look at wedding ideas no one can stop you.  But I would definitely not make "plans" of any kind until you are actually engaged.  Also, you shouldn't feel bad that you didn't plan on having her as your MOH.  It absolutely should be the person/people closest to you and if that is your friends that you mentioned, then so be it.  You can still have your cousin as a bridesmaid if you want to (but don't ask her if you don't want to, I promise you don't have to reciprocate). 

To the bolded, I just wanted to make sure that you enter into your wedding planning with a good outlook on this.  Your MOH does not have duties.  The only thing any of your wedding party must do is show up sober in the appropriate attire.  Many maids (of honor or not) choose to help with wedding planning or throw showers/bachelorette parties but this is not required of them.  Just don't choose your MOH based on who you think will help you the most, or shoulder the most duties.