To invite or not to invite

lindsaykilleen

I sent out my "save-the date" 9 months in  advance due to it being a holiday weekend. My wedding is Memorial Day weekend and a friend of mine just recently told me she purchased tickets to attend a concert the day of my wedding! Now being hurt by this and having limited wedding invitations I don't even want to send an invitation to her because I feel like it was more important that she attend the concert than my wedding. Should I still send the invitation knowing that she has no intention of attending my wedding? She said, "Don't worry, I'll still give you a gift." but to me that isn't the point. It's that she knew when my wedding was but chose to purchase concert tickets instead. I would rather invite someone else instead of wasting the invitation on someone who thought a concert was more important than my wedding but I already sent her a "save the date." Not sure what to do.

[Deleted User]

You seriously don't have even one extra invitation?

AmoroAgain

bbyckes

Not everyone you invite to your wedding will come.  There will be some who do indeed think that something else planned is more important than your wedding.  I can understand being disappointed, I'm sure I would be too, but go ahead and send her the invite anyway.  She may end up selling her concert tickets and coming to your wedding anyway. 

Because I'm curious, what concert is she going to?

AlexiaANDRobert

If you sent her a save the date, you have to send her an invitation.

Also, a billion things could happen between now and then.  She might chose to sell her concert tickets.  She might want to come to the ceremony and then go to her concert.  The concert might get cancelled... really, I can keep going.

Just send her an invitation and try not to be hurt by her decision.

danieliza1127

Well you still need to send the invitation because you have already invited her by sending a save the date.  Her plans may change, she may decide not to go to the concert, whatever the case may be, you need to send the invitation.  You already know she isn't planning to come though, so you can invite someone else if your guest list allows.  Don't let your hurt feelings override what you know is good etiquette.  She's obviously not that close of a friend if she is choosing a concert over your wedding UNLESS she already had the concert tickets before she got your save the date, then that's not her fault for not knowing.

lindsaykilleen

"Limited" is the key word

[Deleted User]

Well, are they that limited that you can't spare an invitation for her? If you sent her an STD, then you have to send the invite.

lindsaykilleen

Thanks!!  She purchased the tickets after she got the "save-the-date"

I guess I'lll still send her one but it does just show that she's not a good of a friend that I thought she was! 

AlexiaANDRobert

I mean this in the least snarky way possible.

Your wedding is NOT as important to anyone else as it is to you.

For some people, weddings are actually a huge chore and pain in the ass.  Is she single?  Maybe she doesn't want to be reminded that she doesn't have a significant other?  May she can't afford to come to your wedding or buy a dress or will feel awkward.  Maybe weddings remind her of a bad time in her life.

One of my 1st cousins didn't come to my wedding because he didn't want to drive 3 hours there and back alone and didn't get off work.  Another cousin drove 4 hours there and back in ONE DAY, ALONE because he didn't want to miss it.  Everyone is different.  Don't let your hurt feelings affect your decisions in doing what is right. 

And if you sent her a save the date, you were counting her for the invitations so your limited invitation number shouldn't matter.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-invite-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:923200ce-ea17-4351-b61c-c4e6b1d46c80Post:63d6d3c2-bbb9-4b80-88a7-39181af5eb5c">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks!!  She purchased the tickets after she got the "save-the-date" I guess I'lll still send her one but it does just show that she's not a good of a friend that I thought she was! 
Posted by lindsaykilleen[/QUOTE]

Oh my God, grow up.  Some people do NOT like to go to weddings.  I had a few members of my family who found out they couldn't make it just a couple of days before.  If you're going to react this strongly to people declining the invite, you're going to have a full on shiit storm when you discover that people have long-standing plans with family or friends for that weekend and choose that over you super spectacular wedding fiesta bowl.  Cripes.

[Deleted User]

Yeah. If you're this pissed now, just wait until all of  the "no" RSVPs come in. Trust me, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be.

ohwhynot

Alexia, I love your new sig picture.  So sweet - you two look so joyful!

OP:  Is this friend local or out of town?  In any event, as Amoro & Alexia pointed out, your wedding may not be all that high on her priority list, but that doesn't mean that you, as a friend, are not that high on her priority list.  Some people just don't like weddings.  And . . . maybe this is a once in a lifetime concert, but she figures she can see you and your husband any time? 

Morfudd

Everything Alexia said. I admit that I would be a little hurt, too-- especially if a friend thought I was only inviting her for the present! But then, for example: FI's stepfather (of sorts; he isn't married to my future mother-in-law)  isn't coming to the wedding. Weddings are hard for him for many personal reasons (hence the sort-of status he has). I've been told stories of how he panics at them. He will still be invited, as will all of FI's aunts and uncles who said, "sorry, can't make it out, school is still in session" after getting the Save The Dates.

AlexiaANDRobert

Good points on the long-standing plans for the holiday weekend.

If anyone I  know gets married on 4th of July weekend, I won't be there.  It's family vacation and I've been doing it for 25 years...

Thanks ohwhynot! It's one of my favorites!

lindsaykilleen

This is a friend I have known for ten years, so yes a lttle hurtful. Not just some common acquaintance. I understand not everyone will be able to come and don't except them to. This friend lives about five minutes from where the ceremony is taking place.

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-invite-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:923200ce-ea17-4351-b61c-c4e6b1d46c80Post:63d6d3c2-bbb9-4b80-88a7-39181af5eb5c">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks!!  She purchased the tickets after she got the "save-the-date" I guess I'lll still send her one but it does just show that she's not a good of a friend that I thought she was! 
Posted by lindsaykilleen[/QUOTE]

This is ridiculous.

It sounds like she was excited about the concert and hadn't written down when your wedding was, not like she bought them purposely to spite you.

No one else cares about your wedding as much as you, and if you're willing to stake your entire friendship on ONE action, then I doubt you had a solid friendship t begin with.

BecW2be

I don't think you should send her an invite at all.

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-invite-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:923200ce-ea17-4351-b61c-c4e6b1d46c80Post:08d50ac8-90c1-4dcd-8eea-5026c65e7d81">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a friend I have known for ten years, so yes a lttle hurtful. Not just some common acquaintance. I understand not everyone will be able to come and don't except them to. <strong>This friend lives about five minutes from where the ceremony is taking place.</strong>
Posted by lindsaykilleen[/QUOTE]

So?  Does she live by a different set of standard just because she lives physically close to the place YOU chose?

lindsaykilleen

I was just responding to someone asking how far she lived from the wedding.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-invite-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:923200ce-ea17-4351-b61c-c4e6b1d46c80Post:0ea50183-7b30-4b46-b73c-3b82bea453fe">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you should send her an invite at all.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

But what if she sent the invite and included a Xeroxed picture of her middle finger where the RSVP would go. What would you think of that? I think it might be the best possible solution.

danieliza1127

You guys really wouldn't be hurt if a close friend that you've been friends with for 10 years chose to go to a concert instead of your wedding?  I would be.  Maybe there is more to this story than we know here though.  I'm just surprised by how some of you are reacting.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-invite-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:923200ce-ea17-4351-b61c-c4e6b1d46c80Post:08d50ac8-90c1-4dcd-8eea-5026c65e7d81">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a friend I have known for ten years, so yes a lttle hurtful. Not just some common acquaintance. I understand not everyone will be able to come and don't except them to. This friend lives about five minutes from where the ceremony is taking place.
Posted by lindsaykilleen[/QUOTE]

LIndsay - just be prepared for this to happen with more than just your friend.  I had my wedding on Memorial Day weekend last year and of 135 people invited about 85ish people came.  Most of the "no's" were because of yearly Memorial Day weekend plans - another part of the no's were people who use that weekend for vacations because it's a free day off of work. Some people make commitments not realizing that the date my overlap with things, it's an innocent mistake the majority of the time.  I highly doubt she was on ticketmaster saying to herself, "haha b*tch, I'll show you and buy concert tickets so I can miss your wedding"  I wouldn't take it so personally, and I really don't think this should be an indicator on how your friend views you as a friend.

Your wedding day is the most important to you, and your FI.  She probably doesn't even think she'll be missed.  I think you should really just let it go.  Send her an invitation.

ETA:  I think you can express to her that you will REALLY miss her not being at your wedding and that it makes you sad..........but I don't think you should hold it against her. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-invite-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:923200ce-ea17-4351-b61c-c4e6b1d46c80Post:522723e8-4686-4fd7-93cd-5f017511b2cc">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]You guys really wouldn't be hurt if a close friend that you've been friends with for 10 years chose to go to a concert instead of your wedding?  I would be.  Maybe there is more to this story than we know here though.  I'm just surprised by how some of you are reacting.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

I honestly wouldn't.

goheels05

I think it really depends on what the concert is.  If it's DMB, that's pretty jacked up because they tour every year and go to like 80 cities.  Or if it was Neil Diamond, I'd just tell her that you heard he sucks live, because it's true. 

ohwhynot

It actually depends on the concert.  Some bands very rarely tour, and a  chance to see them in concert might be huge.  If it was a band that played regularly, then yes, I suppose I'd be a little hurt, unless that friend just didn't do weddings, for whatever reason.  But if it was a big name concert and a rare opportunity to see the band live?  I don't think I'd begrudge. 

ETA:  Take it back, heels - Neil Diamond was awesome in person. 

AlexiaANDRobert

One of my childhood best friends and I had been talking for about 3 weeks leading up the wedding about how excited she was to come and how great it was going to be to see her.  2 days before the wedding she called and said some things came up and she couldn't come.  I honestly and genuinely wasn't upset.

SwedishChick2011

Be the bigger person and send the invitation.  Did your friend actually say she would not attend your wedding? 

baystateapple

I have a huge family, and many of them are all over the country.  One of my aunts hasn't been a part of my life EVER, and lives 1,000 miles away.  I wasn't planning on inviting her.  When she found out I was getting married, she made a huge fuss and kept saying how she couldn't WAIT to go.  So we sent her a STD.  Then she got on the phone and told my mom that she was already coming to New England in the summer, and didn't know if she felt like taking two plane trips this year.  The point?  I'm still sending her an invitation, even if she decides not to come.  I'm not hurt.  That's sometimes just the way people are.  You have to take it with a grain of salt.  I doubt your friend is trying to be hurtful.  Sometimes people don't realize that what they're saying comes across as tactless or unfeeling.  Accept her RSVP, whatever it is, graciously, and take it from there.

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-not-invite-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:923200ce-ea17-4351-b61c-c4e6b1d46c80Post:80215b07-d58c-4100-858e-ebddeb81cc9f">Re: To invite or not to invite</a>:
[QUOTE]It actually depends on the concert.  Some bands very rarely tour, and a  chance to see them in concert might be huge.  If it was a band that played regularly, then yes, I suppose I'd be a little hurt, unless that friend just didn't do weddings, for whatever reason.  But if it was a big name concert and a rare opportunity to see the band live?  I don't think I'd begrudge.  ETA:  Take it back, heels - Neil Diamond was awesome in person. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

BWAHAHAHAHA

You're right, I'm thinking of Bob Dylan.

[Deleted User]

I would miss Ben's wedding to see Peter Gabriel.