Wedding Etiquette Forum

my dad offered to pay but never mentioned it again

hey, we are paying for our own wedding and really have no feelings one way or another about it.  we knew that neither of our parents were financially able to make the big day happen on their own, and we really wanted them to not feel pressured and just enjoy the day.

my mom offered and paid for my wedding dress, which while it was a small portion of the overall expenses was huge for her, and it really meant so much.

my  dad offered to help pay for photograpy way back when we got engaged almost a year ago.  he never mentioned it again, and i wasnt sure how to bring it up, so we moved on with planning.  since then, i have heard that he has made comments that i need to lower my expectations and not pick things so expensive (not to me, but to my mom he said this).  well, we are paying for everything so we planned for picked the things we wanted and the vendors we wanted - i think i would have been a bit more sensitive if my dad was paying for the items to stick within a budget that he allotted, but i never heard anything else from him and he knew we were picking photogs and everything else.

so - would you bring it up again? "hey dad, i know you mentioned you had wanted to help with the photography..." OR "hey dad, i know you had mentioned wanting to help when we got engaged, anything that you are comfortable doing would be so appreciated by us"  OR just leave it - if he wanted to help he would have. 

i dont want him to feel like im asking b/c we need the money or are pressuring him to give.  i just find it odd that someone would offer help and then never mention it again, but complain about things i am planning and paying for on my own.  maybe he feels bad that he wasnt able to do more or what he wanted to do initially for us?  or he has decided he just doesnt want to do it and would rather use that money elsewhere, he has been taking lots of trips lately

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Re: my dad offered to pay but never mentioned it again

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    I would just leave it.  I mean, if you're able to pay for it all on your own, then don't worry about his contribution.  If he brings it up again, just say, "Dad, I just felt like it was our decision to get married, and we were able to pay for things, and I didn't want you to worry about it."
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    yeah im sure that its not a case of "he forgot" so its probably more to it than i know.  i will just leave it b/c it could either end up that its more to it that i wish i didnt know or making him feel really uncomfortable - which is not at all what my intentions would be.

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    Yep.  Just leave it alone.  If you're not sure what the situation is, then it's really none of your business (not being mean on that).  Just let it ride.
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    Your family sounds just like mine.My grandmother complains about all the money were spending even though she has not been asked to contribute ,and we are paying for the wedding ourselves.

    My dad also about 10 months ago offered to pay for my dress.I even told him not to worry about it,and he keeps insisiting that he's going to do it.I would have rather he said he wasn't going to pay.It's just annoying at this point and I don't even care if he does.The dress was paid for forever ago. I have stopped telling my family what were paying,or changing the subject when they ask (because I'm sick of the side eye)

    Anyways,I would just let it go.If he is complaining it's probably because he wish he could afford the more expensive things for you and can't. Could you ask him if he wanted to help with something less expensive like the rehearsal dinner? So that he feels included,but doesn't have to shell out the big bucks for photography.

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    yep at this point, the photog has been paid for and we are onto the next balance due!  when i initially discussed with my parents, they both wanted to help, and we thought it would be nice if they were able to help pay for something tangible (dress, photos, etc) as opposed to food and booze that would be consumed that night of.  my dad really like the photog idea at first, and maybe if we were close i would ask or suggest something else, but i dont know how he would respond or take it - whereas with my mom, i feel like i can say anything to her and know that she knows me well enough to know i was just asking. 

    thanks ladies and i hope you have a wonderful thursday :)
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    Let it go.
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    hey amoro day is halfway over for me too, are you in europe by chance?  im in UK!
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    Parents like to feel useful. Maybe he feels uncomfortable because he doesn't have the kind of money he'd need to contribute a large gift. He might be embarrassed.

    Is there something smaller he could help with? Like maybe some of the personal flowers? (He could buy your bouquet). I know this sounds crazy, and it might not be true in your family, but I think most parents do want to help financially in at least one way because it makes them feel like they are a part of your special day in a way that just being a guest doesn't. They just need it to be in their budget. A bouquet is nice because it's something he can actually see, and it'll be in all of your pictures!

    Script: "Dad, I know you originally talked about helping with photography. We have that all squared away. If you'd still like to help us with a wedding expense, I'd love for you to buy me my bouquet. It costs $xx. Let me know if you'd like to do that. "

    And THEN if he doesn't do anything, let it go.

    The other option is to ask him for his time, for something you genuinely need help with that you think he'd like doing.

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    i REALLY like the bouquet idea A LOT.  Also his time - he is retired, and gets bored sometimes.  He actually got really excited when I was telling him about the liquor plans (haha) no there is a spirits warehouse near his home, maybe i could see if he would help by going to get the alcohol/wine/beer for us since we are overseas and he has a truck to transport everything.  i could just send him the $$, that would be a HUGE help.

    thanks ladies!
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