2 Weddings?

Rockies

Hello all!

I am newly engaged and was wondering if I could get some planning advice. My FI and I are planning our wedding for summer 2011 sometime and we're trying to brainstorm a general idea before approaching the budget subject.

Our dilemma is that we are considering having 2 weddings. The reasoning is that we live on complete opposite sides of the country from our families (we are in British Columbia, they are mostly in Ontario). We were considering having 1 wedding (approx. 75 people) here in BC, which all of our friends from BC wouild be invited to.

Then the following week, we were considering another wedding in Ontario for all of our family and close friends from there (approx. 75 people as well). The only people that would be iinvited to both would be our wedding party (right now I'm only considering a MOH ~ my sister for my side).

We figured this would the least expensive way as otherwise we're asking many people to fly somewhere for our wedding and we rather not make it a large expense for anyone.

Thoughts?  Comments? 

Thank you

danieliza1127

I think all of the people in Ontario would be really bummed and feel second class because the 2nd wedding isn't a wedding at all.  You'd already be married.

People do travel for weddings.  You can have just one wedding and reception and invite everyone and let them decide for themselves if they can make it.  If it turns out that a vast majority of people from Ontario aren't coming, you could consider having a 2nd reception there, but not a whole wedding ceremony because that would just be a farce.

Loopyseven

Would you repeat the ceremony, or just have a separate reception?    Would the people at the 2nd wedding know it was a vow renewal and not actually the wedding?  

quotequeen

Are you planning to tell the people who are invited to the second "wedding" that you will actually already be married at that time?  You risk some people being offended by this.

IMO, a lot of people travel for weddings these days, and people understand it can't be convenient for everybody.  I would just pick one and invite everybody, and if they can't come, they can't come.

FutureMrsTR

Too early.

tidetravel

Reread what Dani wrote.  Then pretend that I wrote it, too.

Femlin

Miss Manners recently answered a question that was similar to this one.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=24385812

If you don't want to click the link, she basically says that, "People seem to have forgotten that a wedding is an occasion at which a couple gets married."

Your best bet is to have one wedding in one place and invite everyone.  Will they all come? Probably not... but I would certainly NOT go to a fake wedding no matter how close it was.  Especially if I wasn't invited to the real one.

samurai21

If you're prepared to spend money on two events have you considered having your wedding somewhere in the middle? As a guest, knowing you got married the week before and that I was invited to the 2nd go around, I'd be miffed.

Set up one event, invite everyone. Let guests decide if the travel is too much for them to make it, and then if you feel that an overwhelming number of people can't make it, host a smaller casual get together to celebrate with those who can't make it, but not a full blown 2nd wedding and reception.

LauraT25

I'm getting married on one coast and a lot of my family lives on the other coast, including my mom and my sister.  The ones that really matter to me are making the trip out - if they couldn't afford it, we would help them out financially.  People often fly for weddings these days, particularly if it's important to them.  My family assumed we'd be having the wedding where we lived, anyway, and they had almost two years to make preparations.

We discussed in the beginning of planning that if a lot of the West Coast family couldn't make it, we would plan a trip out there next summer to visit everyone and rent out a room in a restaurant or something to get everyone together.  Not even as fancy as a second reception.  It never even crossed my mind to have two weddings.

L-Bride

I would feel a little slighted if I wasn't invited to your actual wedding. You should give everyone the option of coming to one wedding and hope people can make it.

microkelly

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. 2 weddings is overkill and I'd be kind of annoyed if I were invited to the wedding where you were already married. People who are important will travel for the wedding. If I were you I'd do the wedding ceremony and a reception in Ontario and just a reception for your friends where you live (or visa versa depending on whats easier for you). The only thing that sucks is that the reception is the expensive part. No offense to you at all but sometimes we brides tend to forget that our family and maybe a very few of are closest friend are the only ones who really value the ceremony part. Keep that in mind.

shannonalise

OP, your thoughts? No?

[Deleted User]

no.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95718418-ce6a-4d65-a3ea-77ef0dafb40aPost:3ced36a5-c71a-4a12-bd9b-eb5a69b2d33a">Re: 2 Weddings?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't want to click the link, she basically says that, "People seem to have forgotten that a wedding is an occasion at which a couple gets married."
Posted by Femlin[/QUOTE]
yay miss manners.

michaelandjulie2

It sounds like you are trying to make it easy on everyone by having two weddings in two different places. Honestly, I think this will make it really difficult on you. It is a lot of work to plan one wedding. Planning two would be hard, not to mention that I assume one of these you would be planning long-distance. I think that rather than making it easy on everyone, you risk offending some people since they would not all be attending the actual ceremony at which you get married. I would travel to be at a close friend's wedding, surely your friends and family are the same way. 

I think it might be more worth your money to pay for hotel rooms for your OOT guests. It would likely save you money in the long run (one less wedding) and then all of your guests would see you actually get married! It could take some of the financial burden off of them, which seems to be your major concern. Of course it isn't necessary to pay for hotel rooms, but I really do think it would be less costly than a second wedding. 

Kristin&eric

Where I am having our wedding is our home place, a few family members live here on my side like 3. Everyone else is traveling. My thought is that this is where FI and I are going to start our lives, so we should get married here. The people that come are the people that matter. I am sure the ones that cant come wish they were there in heart. I think it would be to much for you. esp a week apart you wouldnt have time to enjoy yourself after you got married the first time around

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95718418-ce6a-4d65-a3ea-77ef0dafb40aPost:af289504-64e8-4da8-89ca-70fc9aee585f">Re: 2 Weddings?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think all of the people in Ontario would be really bummed and feel second class because the 2nd wedding isn't a wedding at all.  You'd already be married. People do travel for weddings.  You can have just one wedding and reception and invite everyone and let them decide for themselves if they can make it.  If it turns out that a vast majority of people from Ontario aren't coming, you could consider having a 2nd reception there, but not a whole wedding ceremony because that would just be a farce.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Dani is a wise, wise woman.  Nicely put.

wadingmoose

Also, as an example, I live in Alberta.  I attended a wedding last summer in Ontario.

More than half of the guests were there from SCOTLAND. 

melissamc2

You've got a year to pull this together.  Pick a date, pick a city, pick a venue, and pick Save the Dates.  Get them in the mail as soon as possible to everyone you want to invite, so people can start planning accordingly - and saving money.

When the time comes, people who can make it will.  People who cannot will fall into that category that we ALL have - "people who couldn't make it."

We have guests coming in from both coasts, three countries, and in some cases - in between military deployments.  We, as well as our family and friends, are well aware that you'll never be able to work it in a way that everyone can make it.  I find it better to have one real wedding with as many family and friends (from all areas) in one spot, than to try to do it in two areas at two different times.

Good luck with whatever you decide and congratulations.

Calypso1977

i would get married where its most convenient for you.  invite everyone, whoever comes, comes, whoever cant make it, so be it.  just dont guilt them into coming or make them feel bad if they cant make it due to money, vacation, etc.

polichik

For our wedding in Minneapolis, 90% of our guest list is from out of town. FI's entire family lives in Chicago, and our closest relatives are in Michigan, with people coming from  LA, NYC, Maine, and Georgia (no, not the Georgia in the US). People will travel, and if they can't, it's ok.

I think you should pick one location and have the wedding there. If a huge group of people can't make it, you might want to consider having your ceremony broadcast live on a website that your friends and family can view who aren't able to make it.

frenchy730

No, I don't like this idea at all.  I really wrinkle my nose at "second weddings" and "second receptions" and big fancy receptions that take place months after the wedding.  Just get married and be married and move on.  The only situation where this is almost okay is if you live in a far away country and no one can make it to your wedding, but you need to get married in that country.  Fine, then get married, go home, and have a party with your friends and family.

Ok now that the rant is over, I think you should just plan for one wedding.  Give everyone on "the other side"  ample notice with a save the date.  Spread it by word of mouth that you are planning a wedding they will have to travel.  I think you will find more people are willing to travel than you think if you give them enough time in advance to plan.

Rockies

Thank you so much, everyone!  I really appreciate the input.

You are all right that the second wedding isn't right but I'm happy for your honesty. Was just thinking about ways to save money for everyone involved but planning 1 wedding would definitely be a lot easier.

Thank you for all the input and I apologize for a late reply as I was away at work.