Etiquette

Other "bridemaid-like" titles?

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Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:3a181116-fc56-4e55-8301-671d7a23d779">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles? : How about having her be a flower girl?  <-- sarcasm. If you want her to stand up with the bridesmaids, then call her a bridesmaid.  Otherwise don't have her stand up there and have her be an usher or something. <strong> To single her out just because she is differently dressed is kind of mean in my mind.</strong>  If you don't want her to be a bridesmaid, just let her be a regular guest rather than making up a meaningless title for her.
    Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

    This exactly
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  • Just call her a BM. I don't know why you are concerned people would question why she's in a different outfit than everyone else. Most guests at weddings do not pay that much attention to the BP. If you want her to feel special, don't give her a crap job like program hander outer. That's just lame.
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  • You'd rather give her a meaningless job like handing out programs instead of calling her a bridesmaid? Really?
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  • Will she not be in the same dress because she can't wear dresses? Can't handle the fabric you chose? Can you just have her wear a similar color and call her a BM? No one will care if it's different. Lots of people put their BMs in the same color but different dresses/outfits.

    I'd think she'd much rather be included by being a bridesmaid - and therefore equal to your other BMs - than being singled out yet again for what she can't do.
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  • Make her a bridesmaid.  What's the big deal?
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  • I hate it when OP's post something crazy like this and then never come back. So annoying
  • Yeah I really don't understand why she can't be a bridesmaid. My brother has Down syndrome and was a groomsman. I just really don't get it at all.  I understand the loud noise on the bus, can't someone else drive her? Why can't she wear the same dress? Or something in a similar color?
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  • I have not read the other responses, but I would find it hurtful and insensitive if you called her anything else besides a bridesmaid. I don't understand why you're making this an issue.
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  • Make her a bridesmaid...it doesn't matter if she is dressed differently.  I imagine most of  your guests will be able to figure out why if they're that concerned with it.

    Also, she isn't mentally handicapped; she has a mental disability.  The disease or condition should not define the person.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:c0f6e8f2-9776-472e-8cc5-81e54d1acde5">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Make her a bridesmaid...it doesn't matter if she is dressed differently.  I imagine most of  your guests will be able to figure out why if they're that concerned with it. <strong>Also, she isn't mentally handicapped; she has a mental disability.  The disease or condition should not define the person.
    </strong>Posted by kebmtm071605[/QUOTE]

    Oh for pete's sake. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:2a51ef99-be2b-404e-ba2a-23de0d17a3e6">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles? : Oh for pete's sake. 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

    According to people with disabilities, defining them by their condition is one of the most offensive things.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:0297b6e7-641a-46a7-8343-a29142c0fa96">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles? : According to people with disabilities, defining them by their condition is one of the most offensive things.
    Posted by kebmtm071605[/QUOTE]

    Except that she didn't.  Not really.  She said something like "my fiance's sister is mentally handicapped."   The difference between that and "my fiancee's sister has a mental disability" is quite subtle and, in my opinion and that of some other disabled folks, not a big deal.   One characteristic of that person is that she has a mental disability or handicap.  It is not the only one, but it happens to be the one most relevant to this particular post, so of course the OP is using those words to describe her sister in law.  

    It may be an unpopular position, but I really think that tut-tutting someone who says "my sister is mentally handicapped" instead of "my sister has a mental disability" is as silly as tut-tutting someone who says "my sister is tall" instead of "my sister has tallness."
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  • My nephew is on the spectrum.

    You can say he's Autistic.
    You can say he has Autism.
    You can say he has a learning disability,
    You can say he has a handicap.

    I don't care, it doesn't make a difference.  As long as no little brat calls him a retard, I'll stay out of jail.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:1e5add3a-3957-4016-a939-228f8013803c">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I appreciate the comments guys, but I'm looking for <strong>ideas other than "bridesmaid."  </strong>The family has suggested just having her hand out programs, but <strong>we are trying to make her more than that </strong>w/o making her an actual bridesmaid.  Thanks!
    Posted by silver711712[/QUOTE]

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  • It's no wonder that this girl doesn't want to come back to basically be attacked by few of you.  Here are a couple things to consider:

    1.  I'm sure the terminology she used to describe her FSIL is the same terminology that her fiance and FILs use, or that, in the very least, she did not mean it offensively.  As another poster said, saying "mentally handicapped" vs. "has a mental disability" does not make a big difference to the majority of people who know someone that falls into that category.  My uncle fell into that category, and the word my dad, his family, and we as his children used to describe him was "retarded" -- not in an offensive or derogatory manner, but simply b/c that is the term that they used and that we were taught to use.  It was also used by the medical community to describe the program that he was in, which was an MRDD program (Mentally Retarded and Developmentally Disabled).

    2.  There are varying degrees of being mentally retarded / handicapped / slow.  My uncle could not speak, needed to wear adult diapers, and lived in a home for special needs adults b/c he required so much care and supervision.  He would become irritable.  If he did not want to do something, he didn't.  If he did want to do something, good luck stopping him.  My dad loved him very much, and I mean no disrespect by stating the things that I just did, but facts are facts, and obviously a few people on this board are uninformed.  If this girl's FSIL is in any way close to how my uncle was, it is no wonder why she would not want to ride on the bus, take pictures with the flash going off, etc., and why the family wouldn't want to put her through it.  I had a friend whose brother had Downs, and he was really upset by the music on their bus, and by the music / noise at the reception, and they stated afterwards that as much as they wanted him to be a part of their day, in hindsight it would have been easier to have just had him be a guest and do as much as he was comfortable with.  Again, each person and situation is different, and this girl should not be faulted for wanting to inculde her FSIL in a capacity other than a bridemaid.  She is including her, which I think is really sweet and thoughtful, since I have seen first-hand how hard it can be. 

    3.  It is likely that the reason the FSIL cannot wear the same outfit as the rest of the bridesmaids is because she can't wear heels or a strappless dress, or maybe not even a dress at all.  I'm sure this girl wouldn't dress her differently on purpose to draw attention to her, and unless she's been living under a rock, I'm sure she knows that it's a possibility for all of her bridesmaids to be dressed differently.  Maybe she doesn't want that, and if she doesn't, who cares!  Did you like it when people told you what to do for your wedding?  I sure don't!

    4.  She has a tough situation because there are more titles / duties for men than there are for women.  Men can be an usher or a groomsman.  Woman can only be bridesmaids.  There is an option for both sexes to be readers, but that probably wouldn't work for this particular situation.  I think all this girl was looking for was a way to include her FSIL in her wedding in a way that would work for everyone, and I wish I could think of a good solution for her, but I can't come up with anything not already listed.  She could also, as some have suggested, not include her, which I think would also be acceptable.  I have plenty of friends whose brothers or sisters IL were not in their wedding party, and no one cared a bit.  If she hadn't put the words "mentally handicapped," I bet some of you wouldn't care either.  By the way, my brother will be a reader in our wedding b/c my fiance has so many guys that he'd like to include.  Are some of you going to be up in arms about that?  What if he was an usher rather than a groomsman?  OK, now what if I told you he happened to have a mental disability?  He doesn't, but I hope you see my point.  Unless you have something constructive to say, leave this poor girl alone!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:babc0104-9517-4ea9-88c6-7cdd747b2caf">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's no wonder that this girl doesn't want to come back to basically be attacked by few of you.  Here are a couple things to consider: 1.  I'm sure the terminology she used to describe her FSIL is the same terminology that her fiance and FILs use, or that, in the very least, she did not mean it offensively.  As another poster said, saying "mentally handicapped" vs. "has a mental disability" does not make a big difference to the majority of people who know someone that falls into that category.  My uncle fell into that category, and the word my dad, his family, and we as his children used to describe him was "retarded" -- not in an offensive or derogatory manner, but simply b/c that is the term that they used and that we were taught to use.  It was also used by the medical community to describe the program that he was in, which was an MRDD program (Mentally Retarded and Developmentally Disabled). 2.  There are varying degrees of being mentally retarded / handicapped / slow.  My uncle could not speak, needed to wear adult diapers, and lived in a home for special needs adults b/c he required so much care and supervision.  He would become irritable.  If he did not want to do something, he didn't.  If he did want to do something, good luck stopping him.  My dad loved him very much, and I mean no disrespect by stating the things that I just did, but facts are facts, and obviously a few people on this board are uninformed.  If this girl's FSIL is in any way close to how my uncle was, it is no wonder why she would not want to ride on the bus, take pictures with the flash going off, etc., and why the family wouldn't want to put her through it.  I had a friend whose brother had Downs, and he was really upset by the music on their bus, and by the music / noise at the reception, and they stated afterwards that as much as they wanted him to be a part of their day, in hindsight it would have been easier to have just had him be a guest and do as much as he was comfortable with.  Again, each person and situation is different, and this girl should not be faulted for wanting to inculde her FSIL in a capacity other than a bridemaid.  She is including her, which I think is really sweet and thoughtful, since I have seen first-hand how hard it can be.  3.  It is likely that the reason the FSIL cannot wear the same outfit as the rest of the bridesmaids is because she can't wear heels or a strappless dress, or maybe not even a dress at all.  I'm sure this girl wouldn't dress her differently on purpose to draw attention to her, and unless she's been living under a rock, I'm sure she knows that it's a possibility for all of her bridesmaids to be dressed differently.  Maybe she doesn't want that, and if she doesn't, who cares!  Did you like it when people told you what to do for your wedding?  I sure don't! 4.  She has a tough situation because there are more titles / duties for men than there are for women.  Men can be an usher or a groomsman.  Woman can only be bridesmaids.  There is an option for both sexes to be readers, but that probably wouldn't work for this particular situation.  I think all this girl was looking for was a way to include her FSIL in her wedding in a way that would work for everyone, and I wish I could think of a good solution for her, but I can't come up with anything not already listed.  She could also, as some have suggested, not include her, which I think would also be acceptable.  I have plenty of friends whose brothers or sisters IL were not in their wedding party, and no one cared a bit.  If she hadn't put the words "mentally handicapped," I bet some of you wouldn't care either.  By the way, my brother will be a reader in our wedding b/c my fiance has so many guys that he'd like to include.  Are some of you going to be up in arms about that?  What if he was an usher rather than a groomsman?  OK, now what if I told you he happened to have a mental disability?  He doesn't, but I hope you see my point.  Unless you have something constructive to say, leave this poor girl alone!
    Posted by SummerTwentyEleven[/QUOTE]

    Even with everything you have said here it is still ok for her to call her FSIL a bridesmaid. Just like it would have been ok for your dad to make your uncle a groomsman if he wanted to.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:c22720d1-7ed1-47e8-ba65-d86c1b55c8ab">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles? : Even with everything you have said here it is still ok for her to call her FSIL a bridesmaid. Just like it would have been ok for your dad to make your uncle a groomsman if he wanted to.
    Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]


    You read that diatribe?  Gold star for you.  Also, cliffnotes? 
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:b99fe20c-b75e-43e2-8c15-b78a24df7b07">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles? : You read that diatribe?  Gold star for you.  Also, cliffnotes? 
    Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]


    Mostly what I got is that
    1. it is ok to call people retarded, her uncle is mentally handicapped and her whole family calls him retarded
    2. we don't know whats wrong with the FSIL so maybe she really can't take pictures or wear the same dress (even though no one said she should)

    There was probably more in there but I think that was the jist.
  • 3. There's not as many jobs at weddings for women as there are for men, so it's easier to make a women feel left out
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  • Hee hee, I think it's funny when people write long, angry rants that don't actually disagree with the posters they're supposedly criticizing.
  • SLOW?!  Classy, Summer.

    1.  No one said there was anything wrong with her dressing differently. 
    2.  No one said to force her onto the bus or into the pictures.
    3.  The OP was the one who said she was goign to stand with them.  That makes her a bridesmaid.
    4.  Women can be ushers, but I'm guessing this isn't the best option for OP either.
    5.  You sound like a self-righteous, presumptuous brat with reading comprehension issues. 
    6.  No one was mean to her, they said "What you're describing sounds like a BM, so just call her a BM."

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:babc0104-9517-4ea9-88c6-7cdd747b2caf">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's no wonder that this girl doesn't want to come back to basically be attacked by few of you.  Here are a couple things to consider: <div>
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    </div><div>4. Xerum la cor a quo doluptae incias dessitium duscimint velendit magnam necepelis expla que expliquame voluptatur sitatem recerov itassitate nonserio mo del et lis poratum hit quia conseque nam, que maio et ommodip saeped moluptatur maximene quias expeles sinieni nit eum volorae ctatet omnis res molore nostrum hillabo riatio con rem eseribust que doluptam, sum liquisimolo quibus magnis ad modissit, odit que arupta et venet ea ventiatur repella tatusam quissit veliquae ex et eatis et prerro velescid et, quo molor simoditat et molendis volo dis in con ne era apis el mincta que dem sitaquam, es explit officiaes aut idebis dolupta tiuntia nullitatur ate sit vel ius aciusam laut utenihic temquis es ducit re et voluptatur?</div><div>Deliate vent, sus nosam, to custium quia ides maximolut pratur aceperatium alis vento doluptia doluptatis et aut veribus eaque la nulluptio eseque simagniatem qui offictur? Bit eumquam utaessu ntiasim olorumque num faccupt atusanda net, que im volorum eum sum asi ventiis ut labore sumquae sed mi, sam ut et oditiusdae veleceptae vent, seditem. Catem enihillabo. As eatemquatem esti teces</div></div><div>Posted by SummerTwentyEleven[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>This is pretty much what I got out of Summer's post.

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_other-bridemaid-like-titles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:961bda3d-b3e4-458c-ae2b-fb0e207ded08Post:82e0d7d1-597e-42f6-a30b-c0f67f041699">Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Other "bridemaid-like" titles? : This is pretty much what I got out of Summer's post.
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    To sum it up for you, silly girl who doesn't speak latin (WHO DOESN'T?!) Summer agreed with us all, but yelled at us anyway. 

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