AE My husband acts as though my feelings don't matter (kinda long)

HopefullyOkAE

I'd post this on TN but it's way dead there. Anyway, I got married several months ago. Long story short my husbands best friends made complete asses of themselves and in turn embarrassed us at our wedding. I won't go into details even if you ask because it's not the point of my question. Since then, I have avoided all contact with said friends, not allowed them in our home but I have not told H that he couldn't see these friends. He's actually been in contact regularly and they have gone out to do things. I don't feel it's my place to regulate his friends even though their actions have been far more than hurtful for me and H (or so he says).

This all could've been made a better situation if they had just apologized which never happened and it's only getting worse because they're continuing to just let it go and have their sister contact me to ask me to put it behind us. That's simply not an option at this point. This was the last straw.

Before H and I got married we had some issues with him not sticking up for me in situations where his best friend would verbally abuse me. We talked it through and I thought we were all good until after the wedding a realized that I talked it through and he just placated me.

I know I'm so wrong for reading his texts but H was gone, the best friend in question wouldn't stop calling so I went to turn his phone off. Well, his texts were up and it was a conversation with one of the friends. H basically told this friend that I wasn't mad and that everything is OK. I was so hurt, so confused that I looked through the other friends texts that had acted like an idiot and he told him the same.

I just don't get it. We've talked until we were blue in the face about everything that happened and he completely agreed that they acted like jerks but he turns around to tell them that nothing is wrong. I want to confront him about this but I know I shouldn't have looked through his texts. I'm so confused about what to do. I feel terrible reading those but I also feel like he's so wrong to even tell them nothings wrong.

WWYD if you read your mans texts "almost on accident"

TheSlowskys

Were you the one who was mad about the pictures?

HopefullyOkAE

Pictures? No.

Loopyseven

I'm going to need more details about what they did to act like asses that embarrassed you, instead just making them look like asses.  Usually if people get drunk and act like idiots at a wedding, I think poorly of the people who got drunk and acted like idiots, not the B&G.

HopefullyOkAE

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-my-husband-acts-as-though-my-feelings-dont-matter-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96aead37-6351-4ead-a0ac-7b5ea0661609Post:a8de5a03-bda3-4c09-81fd-7a312b927e5d">Re: AE My husband acts as though my feelings don't matter (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to need more details about what they did to act like asses that embarrassed you, instead just making them look like asses. <strong> Usually if people get drunk and act like idiots at a wedding, I think poorly of the people who got drunk and acted like idiots, not the B&G.</strong>
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

Really? I felt it was a reflection on ourselves considering they are our friends. You are the company you keep is how I look at it. I would like to put it behind us but it's really hard to do. I'd rather not share specific things considering I know someone who frequents these boards. Basically some nasty words were shared, they were super drunk and obnoxious from ceremony start to reception end.

HopefullyOkAE

I guess I'm PR but my husband is home and I want to think about things before I say anything. I like to think about things and get opinions before I do or do not make a big deal out of something. Thank you ahead of time for your thoughts.

crash2729

Personally, I think that you are possibly over-reacting.

I can't say for certain since we don't really know details. Their behavior reflects on them. Not on you, you can't control them. 

Maybe your H doesn't want to start a fight with his friend. It sounds like they are having someone "try to patch things up with you". Maybe you should take this person out of the middle and contact the friends.

Loopyseven

I'm leaning towards saying you are over reacting.  Unless they did something to directly insult you during the festivities, their behavior doesn't reflect on you.  At my friends's wedding the groom's mom was dancing on a tent pole by the end of the night.  Not one of our friends said anything about that other than - "man E's mom had a good time at the reception *snicker*.  "  

I'd let it go since your H apparently doesn't want to sever ties with the friends.  You don't have to be BFF's with them, but being nice and cordial when you see them and not avoiding every situation where they might be present will go a long way.

And your H is probably just trying to smooth things over with his friends and is hoping you'll calm down with time and space and it will eventually become one of those wedding stories you hear about at the 25 year vow renewal or something.

allychase

I feel like I've heard this before. Have you posted this before?

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-my-husband-acts-as-though-my-feelings-dont-matter-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96aead37-6351-4ead-a0ac-7b5ea0661609Post:ae951858-316c-4cff-8078-a4b0180a6fb9">Re: AE My husband acts as though my feelings don't matter (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm leaning towards saying you are over reacting.  Unless they did something to directly insult you during the festivities, their behavior doesn't reflect on you.  At my friends's wedding the groom's mom was dancing on a tent pole by the end of the night.  Not one of our friends said anything about that other than - "man E's mom had a good time at the reception *snicker*.  "   I'd let it go since your H apparently doesn't want to sever ties with the friends.  You don't have to be BFF's with them, but being nice and cordial when you see them and not avoiding every situation where they might be present will go a long way. And your H is probably just trying to smooth things over with his friends and is hoping you'll calm down with time and space and it will eventually become one of those wedding stories you hear about at the 25 year vow renewal or something.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

<div>Yup. This. Unless they physically assaulted you, called you a dirty whore through the microphone to everyone, you are over reacting.</div>

marycs

No I think the point of her post is that her husband lied to his friends about her feelings. If feelings get ignored, they tend to get blown up bigger and bigger until they can't be ignored anymore. If it could have been solved with a small apology from the beginning, it should have been so. 

At this point, it might be too late to ask for an apology from the friends. Just know that they appreciated your hospitality and did not mean you any harm, they really were celebrating. 

As for your husband, tell him you will only let it go but that he has to respect your feelings. Look up communication skills, not blaming, I statements, etc. Try not to say anything in this conversation that does not directly contribute to a solution. At this point, it would be better to be forgiving provided he understands what to do in the future

hoffse

I feel like I need more details here too, otherwise I lean toward overreacting.  If getting drunk and being rowdy is what they did, that didn't ruin your wedding.  It probably made it more of a party for the guests to be honest.  I think that prohibiting them from being allowed in your home is even taking it too far, and you are NOT being generous by "allowing" your H to continue to see them.  He's an adult, and they are his friends.

As for the texts, I feel like you were in the wrong there.  I would go ahead and fess up about that and instead of turning it into something where you harp on about his friends' behavior (trust me, he surely knows how you feel by now), apologize for peeking, and make a resolution to just move on.  He probably feels like you're overreacting and just doesn't want to fuel the fire by telling you so.  Without knowing more, I can't at this point agree that he's failing to back you up.  I think it's very likely that he's tired of hearing about it both from you and from them and wants relief from the topic wherever he can get it.

Summer2011Bride

I agree that unless you tell us specifics and it turns out they did something awful to personally insult you, you are most likely overreacting. Our friends have done some pretty crazy stuff drunk at weddings before, but that has never offended or insulted me, but rather "reflected" on them (I honestly don't think any less of them because of it though).

Your H is probably trying to smooth things over, and my instinct says he feels you're overreacting too but doesn't want to piss you off by saying it to your face. So he agrees with you but then assures his friends it's all cool because, well, it is to him and he thinks it SHOULD be fine with you too. I would probably have one last talk about this with him, especially if, after reading these, you also agree you might be overreacting.

StephBeanWed61502

The problem here isn't really the friends at all, is it? It's that for some reason, your H feels like he needs to humor you rather than tell you he thinks you're overreacting, or just plain doesn't agree with you. Figure out why that is happening, and never mind about his drunken idiot friends. This thing with his friends is a symptom of a bigger problem with the way you and your H communicate.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-my-husband-acts-as-though-my-feelings-dont-matter-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:96aead37-6351-4ead-a0ac-7b5ea0661609Post:10ad8266-aa4a-4624-a16f-072a044b6aae">Re: AE My husband acts as though my feelings don't matter (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE My husband acts as though my feelings don't matter (kinda long) : Really?<strong> I felt it was a reflection on ourselves considering they are our friends. You are the company you keep is how I look at it.</strong> I would like to put it behind us but it's really hard to do. I'd rather not share specific things considering I know someone who frequents these boards. Basically some nasty words were shared,<strong> they were super drunk and obnoxious</strong> from ceremony start to reception end.
Posted by HopefullyOkAE[/QUOTE]

If that's the case, DH should be upset with about 150 people (75% of our guests).

My FIL was drunk and humping the floor during the reception. My BIL's were drunk and grinding on me before turning around and ambushing their grandmother. H's little cousins stripped as soon as the music started and ran around shirtless the entire reception. The husbands of two of my guests nearly got into a fist fight, thanks to alcohol-induced discussions. The best man started stripping mid-way through the night and got down to his tux pants, suspenders, and a t-shirt. In fact, I think my brother was the only GM who had his entire ensemble on at the end of the night. One of H's work buddies chose our wedding to start drinking (his GF of 5+ years has never seen him with a drink, ever) and wound up passed out by the entrance to the venue in his own vomit... heck - DH was hammered and spilling his drinks all over the dance floor.

While you may be embarassed by their behavior, they are guys and they got drunk. It sounds typical to me, TBH, without more details. If you're that embarassed by drunken behavior, perhaps a dry wedding would have been a better route.

I agree with PPs that the issue, here, seems more to be with your communication (or lack there of) with your husband and perhaps his lack of respect for your feelings. However, perhaps he, too, feels that you are overreacting and is trying to save face with his friends as a result.

Meegles4

I agree with PPs, most especially the point of view that Steph and Stage are providing. While I do think more detail would be helpful, I think you're overreacting to this specific incident, but not necessarily overreacting to how your H is handling it. If it's a pattern for him to not listen to you, stick up for you, etc. etc., it's not going to change just because you're married. I think this will be a constant conversation for the two of you throughout your marriage.

MyUserName1

I agree that the issue isn't with the boys behaviour.  It doesn't really matter to me what they did. 

If you are actually over-reacting to just drunken shenanigans, then your husband should be able to communicate to you that he feels that way, not just placate you then tell his buddies that everything is fine.

If you aren't over-reacting and the boys were telling all of your guests that you're a no good, gold digging slorebag, then your husband needs to sack up and tell his friends off.

You've said several things that indicate that you two have a huge communication problem.  Is your husband aware of that?  If I were in your shoes, I'd start looking for some kind of communication skills workshop or consider couples counseling to work on those skills.

baystateapple

Didn't ILTR have this SAME sort of story about her H's friends being asses on the wedding day? 

And from someone who has been there: don't read his texts without his permission.  Sneaking around and reading someone else's texts/email/FB messages is a breach of trust, unless you two have a mutual agreement that those things are open to each other.  If that's the case, then disregard what I'm saying, but if either of you feels that texts/email/FB correspondance is private, then you shouldn't be reading each other's stuff in secret.

JennLax

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-my-husband-acts-as-though-my-feelings-dont-matter-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:96aead37-6351-4ead-a0ac-7b5ea0661609Post:d0c42db1-8181-48ef-84c3-02742e35caea">Re:AE My husband acts as though my feelings don't matter kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]Were you the one who was mad about the pictures?
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]

I thought the exact same thing :P

baystateapple

Stage, the only reason I can think of is that she might think (rightfully) that nobody would even open the tread.  I would definitely ignore her if she posted again.

TheSlowskys

In Response to Re:AE My husband acts as though my feelings don't matter kinda long:[QUOTE]Why on earth would ILTR make an AE for this though.nbsp; She ADORES drama, so making an AE for this when she8's posted far more insane things under her actual SN makes no sense.nbsp; Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I don't think I've been around long enough to know that, but from the second I opened the post I thought I had read it before.

Stackeye210

It would take a LOT for me to hold a grudge this long.  So either you can't let things go and need to learn to let them go OR they really did some shady ish. 

These are your husbands friends and he wants peace between the two of you, he's trying to let the situation drop and be forgotten.  When you think of your wedding day is that the first thing you think about?  If so you gotta come to terms iwth it.  Stop overshadowing your wedding day that I'm sure had a million great moments with the actions of some people acting like drunken idiots. 

I'm sorry it happened but I see it as you have two options at this point.

A) get over it

cause a huge blow up.  Out yourself about the texts, tell the friends you're still pissed and demand an apology

Neither are very appealing and you just have to weigh your options and what you can live with.

jemmini6

I'm leaning towards the 'you're overreacting' regarding his friends.  They are adults, their behavior reflects on them, not on you.  You need to get over thinking that you are affected beyond just simple embarrassment by their actions.

However, I do think it's a problem that your H is disregarding your feelings, justified or not. Although I can see his dilemma, if he thinks you are overreacting and you don't, there's not much he can do other than try to repair his friendship on his end.

I think you need to confess to seeing the texts, even if it was sort of on accident/sort of not and explain to him that you are hurt that he's speaking for you to his friends when he knows you are still upset.  Tell him you do want to put this past you though, but you'd like his friends to apologize for their behavior at your wedding.  Then you also need to let him know, again, that he needs to respect your feelings, regardless of if he agrees with them or not, and he needs to carry that respect towards his dealings with your friends (ie, he should have said "She's still upset about how you guys acted at our wedding.  I think she's overreacting a bit, but perhaps if you apologized to her, it would help her get over it." rather than just saying everything was okay).

melisrodis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-my-husband-acts-as-though-my-feelings-dont-matter-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96aead37-6351-4ead-a0ac-7b5ea0661609Post:44ede842-c95f-47c5-b04d-91d9d880053a">Re:AE My husband acts as though my feelings don't matter kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]The problem here isn't really the friends at all, is it? It's that <strong>for some reason, your H feels like he needs to humor you rather than tell you he thinks you're overreacting</strong>, or just plain doesn't agree with you. Figure out why that is happening, and never mind about his drunken idiot friends. This thing with his friends is a symptom of a bigger problem with the way you and your H communicate.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

This.  This whole thing. Every word.  I think you need to fess up about the texts -- and explain why you're hurt.  And discuss why your H can't just tell you he disagrees with you.