Mother-in-law's New Man

ALWAYSRITE

A year ago my fiance's father passed away after fighting a battle with cancer. His mother quickly began to date again and has become very close with another man. My fiance disagrees with her choice to date so soon and move on from his father so quickly. I am fearful that when our wedding rolls around his mother will want her new boyfriend and perhaps his young son to be present at our wedding.This will devestate my fiance and I fear that it will ruin his day to look out and see his mother with another man. I don't want this to ruin the day for him and I, so would it be ok to request that she not invite him to the wedding? What should we do.

vsgal

No, you cannot ask her to not bring her new man.  She is an adult and is capable of making choices for herself.  I understand that it may be tough for your FI, but it is not his place to dictate to his mother what she does. 

Your wedding is well over a year away.  Take this year to get to know him and understand that this new man could play a lasting role in FI' s mother's life. 

Bottom line is this.  While it is hard to see your mother move on, she deserves to be happy.  If this man makes her happy, then you should not stand in her way.  It is very selfish.  Support her in her decision and don't let it affect your wedding day.

Sorry for your FI's loss.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

No, that would not be okay. I'm sorry, I know it was hard for your FI to lose his father, but his mother's personal life is none of his business. If they are still together at the time, etiquette dictates that you invite him as her guest.

How offended do you think she'll be if you don't invite him? (Answer: very.) What if she and this man end up marrying someday? It will strain relations between your FMIL and you two even further.

ohwhynot

I'm afraid I can't relate to your fi at all.  If my mother finds someone who makes her 1/10 as happy as my father did, I'd be thrilled for her.  I don't care if she starts dating tomorrow - she has the rest of her life to live and my father would want her to be happy (he died in March).

Your fi should try, really try, to see his mother as a human being, and not just as his dad's widow.   

tidetravel

Your wedding is not the appropriate time for FI to make a statement about his mother's choice of partner.

Sorry, not ok.  He'll just have to deal.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-laws-new-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96d30898-dfbd-431b-8076-04be060df724Post:5cbcfa9f-328e-44cb-a528-db063820fe52">Mother-in-law's New Man</a>:
[QUOTE]A year ago my fiance's father passed away after fighting a battle with cancer. His mother quickly began to date again and has become very close with another man. My fiance disagrees with her choice to date so soon and move on from his father so quickly. I am fearful that when our wedding rolls around his mother will want her new boyfriend and perhaps his young son to be present at our wedding.This will devestate my fiance and I fear that it will ruin his day to look out and see his mother with another man. I don't want this to ruin the day for him and I, so would it be ok to request that she not invite him to the wedding? What should we do.
Posted by ALWAYSRITE[/QUOTE]
JIC

ohwhynot

Also, OP, by the time your wedding rolls around, it will be about 2 years since your fi's dad's death.  I'd leave the subject alone for awhile and revisit it next summer, if it's still an issue. 

mica178

A lot happens in a year.  Your FMIL might be dating a new guy.  Your FI might have grown to accept and like the current guy.  Who knows?

Stop fussing about it right now.  You can think about this stuff again some time in 2011.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-laws-new-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96d30898-dfbd-431b-8076-04be060df724Post:eeff70d1-0bdd-461b-958f-080fa309d80d">Re: Mother-in-law's New Man</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot happens in a year.  Your FMIL might be dating a new guy.  <strong>Your FI might have grown to </strong>accept and like the current guy.  Who knows? Stop fussing about it right now.  You can think about this stuff again some time in 2011.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]
When I first read this, I thought you said, "your FI might have grown up."  Which would have also been appropriate.

Night_Sprite

You should encourage him to be loving and supportive now so he's over it by next September.

Xtine22

i have to disagree. with everyone. planning a wedding without a parent (at least for the bride who lost their mother it might be different with a groom/father) is hard I alway pictured my wedding my mom was there.. cWell she passed away 3 years ago my dad also began dating soon has a several different GF since then. a couple weeks ago asked if it was ok he could bing someone he has been seeing on and off. I did tell him yes he could. Did I mainly tell him yes it was ok bc yes it is the "adult thing to do".. yeah kinda do I really want to be upset and say no bc it hurts that he will be there without my mom ABSOLUTELY!!! I would just have him talk with his mom tell her she can her BF will not be part of anything, bc really you will be so busy with everything else that I'm sure he won't notice who she is dancing with..

I totally understand and it does really sux! But what he is feeling is a valid feeling and it doesnt mean he needs to "grow-up" ad PP

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-laws-new-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:96d30898-dfbd-431b-8076-04be060df724Post:2c43bafd-441c-4b92-8876-92d9e18df820">Re: Mother-in-law's New Man</a>:
[QUOTE]i have to disagree. with everyone. planning a wedding without a parent (at least for the bride who lost their mother it might be different with a groom/father) is hard I alway pictured my wedding my mom was there.. cWell she passed away 3 years ago my dad also began dating soon has a several different GF since then. a couple weeks ago asked if it was ok he could bing someone he has been seeing on and off. I did tell him yes he could. Did I mainly tell him yes it was ok bc yes it is the "adult thing to do".. yeah kinda do I really want to be upset and say no bc it hurts that he will be there without my mom ABSOLUTELY!!! I would just have him talk with his mom tell her she can her BF will not be part of anything, bc really you will be so busy with everything else that I'm sure he won't notice who she is dancing with.. I totally understand and it does really sux! But what he is feeling is a valid feeling and it doesnt mean he needs to "grow-up" ad PP
Posted by Xtine22[/QUOTE]


I am sorry for your loss.

However, as it's been three years since your mother's death and over a year since OP's FI's father passed, I think you both need counseling.  Six months is considered normal grieving.  You are both still in denial if you think your parent shouldn't be dating.  That defines you as abnormally grieving and the treatment is therapy.

Xtine22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-laws-new-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96d30898-dfbd-431b-8076-04be060df724Post:74f859d9-7896-442b-a325-d8e81099143e">Re: Mother-in-law's New Man</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law's New Man : I am sorry for your loss. However, as it's been three years since your mother's death and over a year since OP's FI's father passed, I think you both need counseling.  Six months is considered normal grieving.  You are both still in denial if you think your parent shouldn't be dating.  That defines you as abnormally grieving and the treatment is therapy.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

I am FINE with my dad dating but bring someone to my wedding where it should be my mom is a little different. I can see how you dont get that if you have never lost a parent. Anyone I have talk to who are much older then I am have been married totally get the feeling. and a FYI it takes long then 6 months to stop missing/grieving your parent who has passed away esp. if they were taking from you way to young.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-laws-new-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96d30898-dfbd-431b-8076-04be060df724Post:b2d5dd45-139e-447c-8e7c-88aee07b483b">Re: Mother-in-law's New Man</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law's New Man : I am FINE with my dad dating but bring someone to my wedding where it should be my mom is a little different. I can see how you dont get that if you have never lost a parent. Anyone I have talk to who are much older then I am have been married totally get the feeling. and a FYI it takes long then 6 months to stop missing/grieving your parent who has passed away esp. if they were taking from you way to young.
Posted by Xtine22[/QUOTE]

The point is that, unlike OP, you still allowed your father to invite someone to the wedding, even though it upsets you that your mother won't be able to be there.   (at least, I think you did - your grammar and punctuation skills leave something to be desired.) You realized that it's the mature thing to do; bravo for you.

OP on the other hand, disagrees with his mother's choice of who and when to date, and wants to use the wedding as a way of punishing her for her choices.  That's childish and just plain wrong.  I stand by my previous assessment.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-laws-new-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:96d30898-dfbd-431b-8076-04be060df724Post:7002eaf6-5fa3-48c2-a8a7-77734c684a54">Re: Mother-in-law's New Man</a>:
[QUOTE] While it is hard to see your mother move on, she deserves to be happy.  If this man makes her happy, then you should not stand in her way.  It is very selfish.  Support her in her decision and don't let it affect your wedding day. Sorry for your FI's loss.
<p>Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>It sounds like your MIL has been through a lot... I understand your FI has also experienced a great loss, but I think it's incredibly selfish that he's so opposed to her moving on. She lost her life partner. The pain she's experienced is no doubt very great; what's worse than that is having to deal with the added pain that comes with her child refusing to allow her to seek out happiness after having been through such a terrible situation. </p><p> </p><p>If I were in your position, I would try to help my FI understand his mother's feelings and appreciate her right to happiness, rather than working on trying to find a way not to invite her new partner. He doesn't have to accept her new partner as a father figure or anything of the sort, but he equally doesn't have the right to stop his mother from seeking happiness.</p>

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-laws-new-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:96d30898-dfbd-431b-8076-04be060df724Post:74f859d9-7896-442b-a325-d8e81099143e">Re: Mother-in-law's New Man</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law's New Man : I am sorry for your loss. However, as it's been three years since your mother's death and over a year since OP's FI's father passed, I think you both need counseling.  Six months is considered normal grieving.  You are both still in denial if you think your parent shouldn't be dating.  That defines you as abnormally grieving and the treatment is therapy.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

Six months is kind of short, and not trying to start anything, but what qualifies you as being able to say whether an individual that presumably you have never met is "abnormally" grieving? 

Losing someone close to you is a difficult thing, and there is no formula to how long or in what way someone grieves.  It depends on the person who is left behind, and the circumstances of the loved one's passing, among other things.  Unless the grief is to where someone can't live their day-to-day lives, I don't see how grieving for longer than six months means that one needs therapy.  Maybe<strong> you</strong> need a little empathy.

To the OP, realistically, everyone deals with things in their own way.  My dad died three and a half years ago.  I've been encouraging my mom to date for much of that time because I just want her to be happy, but my mom is still not wanting to date...she's just wanting to spend time with friends and meet new people, and as long as that works for her, that's great.  Everyone's different, and that should be respected. 

Your FI's mom decided to date someone new, and that is her choice.  Your FI is entitled to his feelings, but at the same time his mom should be allowed her happiness as his mom and respected for her choices as an adult.  It's not worth it in the long run to disinvite the boyfriend or tell her who her plus one should or shouldn't be.  I am sure your FI will miss his father on that day, but it's the beginning of his future with you...make sure that's where the focus is.

banana468

The larger issue here is that your FI is the child attempting to control his mother.  That's simply not going to go over well.  He's an adult, but as long as his mother is mentally competent, she should NEVER be talked down to.

Your FI may be sad that his father is gone and he's more than allowed to feel that way.  But this is a man who is a significant part of your FMIL's life.  She's moved on and your FI needs to understand that his mother has a partner - not a replacement for his dad.

brookelynpaisley

I'm sorry for your loss. I have no doubt it's hard to see his mom with someone new when the pain is still so fresh. You can't politely ask her to not bring her new guy. If they're dating seriously, they're a social unit and it's rude to exclude one of them. You and your FI are going to have to put your feelings aside and be the bigger people on this one.

mica178

It's one thing to miss your deceased parent and wish that he/she was there for your wedding.  It's another thing to try to prevent your surviving parent from bringing a date to your wedding.  

Six months is the time you get to act irrationally and throw toys when parents try to date.  After that, you're allowed to miss your parent, but avoiding developing a relationship with your mother's new boyfriend becomes an act of denial.  Does your FI think if his mother attends the wedding alone, he can pretend his father isn't dead?  Or is he hoping that his mother is still suffering as much as he is?  

Recommending therapy is not an insult.  I think more people should be in therapy because so many people never really learn how to deal with grief, and those ignored feelings build up and cause issues down the line.  I'm not saying you need 20 years of three sessions per week psychotherapy, but a little time directed towards working on negative feelings that came up during this stressful time.