Pastor complexities...

jstemmler

Neither I or my fiance regularly attend church.  His mom has been saying since we were engaged that we should use her Pastor L.  The wedding is going to be at my grandmother's church becuase Pastor L's church isn't handicapped accessible.  I was fine with all this until my fiance called the paster and we waited 2 weeks for any response back.  Now I'm worried because 1)He's apparently hard to get a hold of if it takes 2 weeks to return a phone call even with follow-up on the part of the FMIL. 2) I'm second-guessing myself because I've never actually met the guy except in passing after Christmas Eve services 3) My fiance has proven he doesn't much care about calling the guy or being involved in the pastor relations even though this is all by his mom's request, and I can't blame him because he doesn't really know the guy any better than I do
Am I being crazy for second guessing all this?  Should I just keep my mouth shut and make the FMIL happy?  Or should I change my mind before its too late and have my grandmother's pastor do the ceremony, since I've known her my whole life and its her church?

ElleB87

Why does a twenty minute ceremony seem like a joke to you?  I've never been to a wedding where the actual ceremony was much longer and my own was about twenty minutes and was sure as hell not a joke.  You honestly don't seem that interested in this particular officiant so I'd suggest you find a new one.

dori851

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pastor-complexities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9833127e-cd4a-4f01-952e-813bd900e8baPost:d575bbc1-82be-4265-a03f-4aeb8637fb2c">Re: Pastor complexities...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Why does a twenty minute ceremony seem like a joke to you?</strong>  I've never been to a wedding where the actual ceremony was much longer and my own was about twenty minutes and was sure as hell not a joke.  You honestly don't seem that interested in this particular officiant so I'd suggest you find a new one.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

Exactly the first question that popped into my head.

If you don't want Pastor L to perform your wedding, then find someone else. Simple as that.

aragx6

Maybe your FSIL only wanted her wedding to be that long? I've been to ceremonies as long as 70 minutes and ones as short as 15. 1 guess as to which the guests prefer ...

aragx6

Anyway, you and your Fi should get on the same page about this. Sounds like you're not yet.

jstemmler

My grandmother's church ok'd it.  Rev K said she'd be available to help with the ceremony, but we "didn't need to feel obligated to use her". 
I think 45min to an hour is good.  It just seemed like there was no point of getting everyone to the church for his sister's ceremony, but my mom's said she's seen 5 min ceremonies.  I know I have to talk to whoever does it about timing.

ElleB87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pastor-complexities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9833127e-cd4a-4f01-952e-813bd900e8baPost:0eee742f-c446-4d1e-9c9f-6869bda962fe">Re: Pastor complexities...</a>:
[QUOTE]My grandmother's church ok'd it.  Rev K said she'd be available to help with the ceremony, but we "didn't need to feel obligated to use her".  I think 45min to an hour is good.  It just seemed like there was no point of getting everyone to the church for his sister's ceremony, but my mom's said she's seen 5 min ceremonies.  I know I have to talk to whoever does it about timing.
Posted by jstemmler[/QUOTE]

You could argue that most wedding related things are pointless. All you need to get married are two consenting adults, an officiant and, depending on your local laws, usually a couple of witnesses...everything else is just fluff. 

jstemmler

Ok, I didn't want to offend anyone with the 20 minute thing!  I know it only takes a few words to make a legal marriage and that can be done in a short, beautiful ceremony.  I guess that length point is irrelevant in choosing a minister.
So here's another question since that's apparently a hot topic...how long are ceremonies usually?  If I have a longer one are my guests going to be bored?

jstemmler

Thanks!

ErinG93

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pastor-complexities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9833127e-cd4a-4f01-952e-813bd900e8baPost:63328591-50dc-4e8a-9194-f23a84e7f98a">Pastor complexities...</a>:
[QUOTE]Neither I or my fiance regularly attend church.  His mom has been saying since we were engaged that we should use her Pastor L.  The wedding is going to be at my grandmother's church becuase Pastor L's church isn't handicapped accessible.  I was fine with all this until my fiance called the paster and we waited 2 weeks for any response back.  Now I'm worried because 1)He's apparently hard to get a hold of if it takes 2 weeks to return a phone call even with follow-up on the part of the FMIL. 2) I'm second-guessing myself because I've never actually met the guy except in passing after Christmas Eve services 3) My fiance has proven he doesn't much care about calling the guy or being involved in the pastor relations even though this is all by his mom's request, and I can't blame him because he doesn't really know the guy any better than I do 4) <strong>My future sister-in-law's wedding ceremony (preformed by pastor L) was only 20 minutes, and that seems like a joke to me! </strong>Am I being crazy for second guessing all this?  Should I just keep my mouth shut and make the FMIL happy?  Or should I change my mind before its too late and have my grandmother's pastor do the ceremony, since I've known her my whole life and its her church?
Posted by jstemmler[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Guess my 30 minute ceremony is only a little joke to you?</div><div>
</div><div>Really?

</div>

NOLAbridealmost

I think most ceremonies are about 20-30 minutes.  

specialk84

The only weddings I've been to over 30 minutes have all been Catholic. Mine was about 15-20 minutes. I can assure you it was not a joke. My SIL's was under five.

If neither of you are religious, why are you using a pastor and a church in the first place? Even if you were religious, I'd still find it a little ridiculous that your FMIL is dictating who your officiant will be. 

My parents paid for my entire wedding, and they had a say in everything except the content and location of the ceremony, as well as the officiant. The ceremony is the most important part of the day, and I think the chocies about it should be made by the people actually getting married.

rardito

I think 20 minutes is average.  I've never been to one longer than that, and mine will probably be around 15. 

Bubbalub

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pastor-complexities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9833127e-cd4a-4f01-952e-813bd900e8baPost:fc25ea29-31ff-4568-a882-36d34cff6f60">Re: Pastor complexities...</a>:
[QUOTE]Our ceremony was 25 minutes. <strong>The 45+ minutes ones I've been to have all been Catholic weddings.</strong>
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Me too. And yes, ceremonies that are 45 minutes or longer are boring for the witnesses, quite often, even if they are religious. </div><div>
</div><div>And no, I'm not trying to offend anyone that had a long, religious ceremony. </div><div>
</div><div>Edit: And I'm also curious why you are bothering to get married in a church with a pastor if neither of you is particularly religious in the first place.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

ElisabethJoanne

I prefer the Solemn High Nuptial Masses, preferably in the Extraordinary Form with a Bishop presiding, so it's also Pontifical. Yes, I've been to one.

Your fiance and you need to decide what you want. What you want can be influenced by what parents and grandparents want and who's hardest to fight with, as long as you're being fair. [Example: We agreed to about an additional 10 minutes of traditions with 0 meaning to us to appease my future in-laws. For a wedding day lasting 7 hours, 10 minutes is fair. It would not be fair to accept all their suggestions and reject all my parents' just because my parents are not as argumentative.]

After that, I'd set a deadline for when you'll rethink your plans if nothing's happened. This is especially true if your plans are more from others' wishes than your own. "If the Pastor hasn't contacted us in 2 more weeks, we'll start looking for another one." You can tell anyone who may care and be able to help about these decisions, nicely.

[We've had to do this, not so much with clergy, but with vendors who delay sending contracts, etc. Ours is not a high-demand date, but just to keep our sanity, and eventually to help the vendors we've already hired, we set decision-making deadlines for ourselves and our family, so we can move on to the next checklist item.]

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pastor-complexities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9833127e-cd4a-4f01-952e-813bd900e8baPost:a770ee04-2a80-4b2f-b909-dbd83e8ab682">Re: Pastor complexities...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I didn't want to offend anyone with the 20 minute thing!  I know it only takes a few words to make a legal marriage and that can be done in a short, beautiful ceremony.  I guess that length point is irrelevant in choosing a minister. So here's another question since that's apparently a hot topic...how long are ceremonies usually?  If I have a longer one are my guests going to be bored?
Posted by jstemmler[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, I find anything over 20 minutes boring, to be honest. I'm sure it's beautiful and meaningful for the couple (and of course Catholic Masses are long by necessity) but I just get distracted and want it to be over. My ceremony was less than 15, I think. My aunt's was 5. And we didn't feel like there was no point in going to the church for a ceremony that short.</div><div>
</div><div>H's best man's wedding was sooo long. And as much as we dearly love the people in it, we were indeed bored. But don't worry about picking a length for the ceremony, just pick what you want in it and then figure out how long it is. I feel like trying to meet a specific length is a bit odd.</div>

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pastor-complexities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9833127e-cd4a-4f01-952e-813bd900e8baPost:cf858a0f-b8a7-4565-823e-2f618d796c8d">Re: Pastor complexities...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm aiming for 15-20 minutes. My JP sent us 75 pages of materials so we could build our own ceremony, and once we looked through them, the portions were all redundantly saying, over and over again, that marriage is a solemn commitment of love and devotion. If you repeat too much, it's redundant. Plus, all everyone will be thinking is, "When does the bar open?" <strong>You don't need to have a relationship with the person who's marrying you, either. It's a legal document and a business transaction. Don't feel bad if you just pick whoever is the most convenient for you. (You should be comfortable with their "style" but that's it.)</strong>
Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this as well. We used the (then) new pastor at my church, since that's where we were getting married. We'd heard two or three of his sermons and met him briefly.</div>

hoffse

Honestly, I'm clearly in the minority here where I feel like 20 min isn't long enough, but I'm Catholic so that might play into it.  I don't mind a short ceremony when I don't have to drive to a new venue for the reception, but it annoys me to basically be at the ceremony for a half hour before having to move again.

OP, I've been to several protestant weddings that were around an hour, and I thought they were beautiful.  Both had receptions in other locations, but since I was seated for over an hour (since I got there early) I was ready to move by that time.  I also actually remember those ceremonies, whereas most of the short ones I only remember the receptions.  But I mean, I wouldn't say that short is any less legit.