Wedding Etiquette Forum

Eloping

First things first.  I'm not pregnant again.  Seriously.  I'm done making babies.  Now that that's out of the way...the title says it all.  We're eloping.  There's a multitude of reasons that will bore you, but the initial one is that we want to be married without the brouhaha.  We went into wedding planning begrudgingly because we don't like weddings, and that feeling hasn't lifted much.  So...here we are, and here come my questions. 

We decided to elope in the morning on New Year's Eve.  We have a minister available for the date and time, and we approached a local used book shop owner this morning asking if we could have the ceremony in his store.  He agreed, rather enthusiastically, and so now our planning is done.  My two best friends have agreed to be our witnesses, and we purchased our wedding rings last night.  The ceremony will be quick, and the only guests will be the shop owner and his wife, our two children, my two closest friends, and one of their husbands.  I mentioned questions, right?  Feel free to answer some, all, or none of them...or even to just say "shut up, Mel, this is way too long for me." 

1) We will be seeing Todd's family in the evening, as we have standing plans for New Year's Eve with friends in Connecticut.  So, we'll be delivering the news to his parents in person.  My parents are not local.  How should we tell them?  Should we call them, or try to arrange to see them, as well?  They're not on our route, and aren't likely to be offended...but I worry about things.  OOT and all the other MOB/MOGs...if you're reading this, I'm especially interested in your input!

2) The shop owner is probably as excited as we are about this.  I mean, he was just beaming and ridiculously happy that we asked to be married in his shop.  We asked if we could make a donation, or at least purchase a nice bottle of wine...anything for his generosity.  He responded "absolutely not, I should be buying something for you!"  Obviously we want to do something for him.  Besides being loyal customers for the rest of our lives, what can we do to thank him?  Should we just give him cash?  A present?  Wine?  Tip off the local paper about the mom and pop shop holding a New Year's Eve wedding so he gets publicity for his store? (that's mostly a joke, but one of my friends suggested it).  We want to do whatever we can to show him how thankful we are.

3) Announcements...are they necessary, or we okay with just making the phone calls to our closest friends and family, and letting the rest of our extended relatives find out through the grapevine? 

Thanks, love your faces!

Re: Eloping

  • Shutup Mel.  JK.

    Do you think your parents would be upset if they didn't know that you were doing it beforehand?  Or that they weren't invited?  My parents wouldn't have cared probably if we did a ceremony like yours, but would have been upset if they weren't there.  And nobody knows your parents like you.

    I would maybe write and editorial to the paper or something after the wedding.  You can tell them how great the owners of the shop were, and blah blah blah.  A bottle of wine is always nice.  Or a gift card to Barnes & Noble.

    You could definitely just do word of mouth with you friends.  But announcements wouldn't be bad either to make it easier on you.

    Basically, I'm not help.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • Mel! I have a question: are you going to still wear one of the dresses in your bio? Because I really think you should. So pretty.

    Now, to answer yours:

    1. I think this depends on your family. If you can see them, that would be good I think. But honestly, in my family eloping would have really upset my dad no matter how I told him, so it's hard for me to know what's appropriate in a situation where that isn't the case.

    2. Wine, restaurant gift card...even if he's said no, it would be nice of you guys.

    3. I think you can just tell people. I'd rather you call me up to share the news anyway vs. finding out through a piece of paper.
  • That's really sweet, Mel.  I'm so happy for you guys!  :) 
    image

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  • Congrats on your wedding date and all that!

    1) If your parents won't be offended then i would call them asap and let them know your plan. They may not be hurt that you're not telling them in person but they may be hurt that you kept it from them longer than necessary. I'm also thinking about my mother in this situation and she would sh*t a brick if I waited more than a day to tell her...even if I was eloping.

    2)I think the newspaper idea is good. It may be kind of cute if your wedding got some sort of coverage too! Also- wine and champagne. Bring lots of that too.

    3) I would just start making phone calls. I don't think a formal announcement is necessary for eloping.
    image
  • Oh Mel I'm so excited for you!!! I know I don't know you very well, but from what I do know of you, this sounds like just your style. I think it's very cool. :)

    I guess you could do announcements if you really wanted, but something about eloping doesn't really scream formal wedding announcement to me. We basically did a glorified elopement (we wanted to elope, but my mother would have killed us so we took some family and best friends along), and everyone else found out by word of mouth or phone calls. They already know that you and Todd are engaged, so I imagine it wouldn't come as a giant shock.

    As for your parents...I'd tell them ASAP. Even if you have to do it on the phone. I know if I were a parent, I'd rather know right away than be left in the dark about it for a more extended period of time. Then maybe when you talk to them about it on the phone, arrange to see them then so they can be all happy and hug you in person and stuff.

    As for the shop owner...I think a nice bottle of wine and maybe some advertising would be nice. :)

    Will you be planning a vowel renewal at some point?
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  • You rock.

    1. I'd call. And then plan a visit for some other time. I don't think you need to break the news in person, and it's better for them to know sooner rather than later.

    2. I don't know. A GC for a nice evening out? And since he's so excited, maybe a photo afterwards. He can decide whether to hang it up or not.

    3. I'd do phonecalls and the grapevine, unless you've already sent STDs for your wedding or something. If that's the case, I'd send written announcements to folks who were already notified.
  • Congratulations on liberating yourself from hell, Mel!

    My sister eloped and my mother has never forgiven her. That was 13 years ago. It severely damaged their relationship, even though we all love my BIL and he's great and stuff. We had just never met him when they got married so it was a little weird. Whether to invite r inform the parents before or after and how to do it depends entirely on your family dynamic. I can't answer that one for you. 

    I think tipping off the paper is a cool idea, but a great bottle of wine would be cool too. 

    I'd go for phone calls unless STDs were sent. 
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2010
    Ditto the others on telling your parents now. My family wouldn't care about an elopement if they knew about it before hand, but if we just did it and then broke the news, they wouldn't be happy. Then I would plan a trip to visit with your parents to celebrate a little.

    I would make phone calls. I'm with Salt, elopement doesn't scream formal wedding announcement. Unless you can find some cute casual way to do it.

    As far as the shop owner goes. I would do the bottle of wine or gift card, but I'd also think about getting a neat bookmark or something to go along with that. He is a book store owner, he may appreciate that.

    Congrats Mel! I think this is perfect for you and Todd.

    ETA: I stalked your bio because Emily mentioned dresses and you spilling things on yourself and Todd laughing at it sounds exactly like Lucas and I. I probably drop something on my shirt 3 or 4 times a week and he thinks it's hilarious.
    image
  • edited December 2010

    Alright, let me try to answer all the additional questions...

    I truly do not think my parents will sever ties with us completely for eloping.  My mother and father have more than once said that we should just get married, just the two of us, without all of the bells and whistles (y'all know this is marriage #2 for me as well, yea?  I think that might have been important information that I should have included in this post instead of assuming you would remember).  So I don't think eloping would upset them...I was more concerned that we'll be seeing Todd's parents to tell them in person, and I don't want my parents to feel less important for having heard of it on the phone.  I don't *think* they will, but hearing other people's experiences helps, you know? 


    I am not wearing a gown.  I'm actually wearing this.  I have few excuses in life to spend money on Halston, but this is one of them.  One of my girlfriends is insisting on buying my shoes (I love my friends)...I'm going for nude or goldish, with a big statement necklace and a bracelet or two: 
    Screw the link, here's a picture...the model has a stupid face




    There will be no vowel renewal.  One wedding, one day, and all that jazz. 

    And thanks for all the well wishes and the such...you are awesome ladies, and I'm looking forward to sticking around as an old married hag. 

  • edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cb885f3-290b-4f48-91d4-f607a33359c8Post:3d8126ba-5ae8-4676-90b5-43dd78dcb07e">Re: Eloping</a>:
    [QUOTE]Or a gift card to Barnes & Noble. Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    I don't know that that's the best thank you gift for a bookshop owner ;)

    I love all of your ideas, Mel, that's so awesome!  I agree with everyone that you know your parents best, but my mom would have a FIT if she wasn't there when I got married.  So that's my input, I'd tell them and let them decide if they want to be there unless you have strong feelings about them not being there for any reason. 
    Congrats! :)

    EDIT:  Nevermind what I said about your parents, I misread.  I would definitely call them that evening, not wait until I could see them in person.
    image
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    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
  • yay!  I'm so excited for you!!!!  please stick around and join the hag club.
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  • Alright, I suppose fancy designer trumps cupcake princess dress :)
  • Your parents need to know before the end of the day, one way or another.  Call, visit, whatever you can do, but don't wait overnight. 

    I'd give the shopkeeper a nice bottle of wine, a pic, and I'd probably send a photo and a tip to the paper after the fact for a little publicity for him.

    I wouldn't bother with announcements.  Phone calls for people you're close to, and word of mouth for the rest.  Even though they technically aren't, a lot of people don't know much about announcements and assume they're gift grabby.
    DIY & Planning | Married 

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Since your parents have already told you that you should just go get married, I don't think they'd be upset about hearing it by phone (since they're not local). I agree that you should tell them before the end of the day though.

    Congrats!!! You have more balls than I do! :)
  • Dude, totally go for the tip to the paper.  That'll be cute publicity for him.  YAY Fun!!
  • You are going to rock the hell out of that dress. Awesome!
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  • Can you ask your mom (assuming you will talk to her between now & then) how she would prefer to find out?  Something along the lines of "We're thinking of taking your suggestion and just going somewhere to get married.  If we decide to do this, would you like to know beforehand or after the fact?"

  • 1. OMG THAT DRESS. Loves it. 

    2. The model's face is way stupid.

    3. I didn't actually think you would have a vowel renewal. I just really wanted to say "vowel renewal". 
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  • I am jealous you are getting married in a book shop. I would love to get married in a book store or library (although I admit SATC ruined the latter for me a little). I think what you guys are doing is great! I wish I could get away with it but FI would miss having his pretty princess day.
  • I ditto the idea of taking a nice picture in the bookshop or in front of it, and framing it for them to hang in the shop. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cb885f3-290b-4f48-91d4-f607a33359c8Post:a2fa6a31-b176-4464-8bf3-2cc884a78420">Re: Eloping</a>:
    [QUOTE]1. OMG THAT DRESS. Loves it.  2. The model's face is way stupid. 3. I didn't actually think you would have a vowel renewal. I just really wanted to say "vowel renewal". 
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    1) Right?  I'm very excited by this dress. 

    2) I don't understand that face.  It's like standard for every commercial model to perfect her "please insert your d in this face" look. 

    3) When I told my one girlfriend about this, she asked if we were going to keep all of our booked venues for the fall so we could renew our vows.  I explained that they wouldn't expire, let alone in 9 months. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cb885f3-290b-4f48-91d4-f607a33359c8Post:deb95b71-8f84-4ad0-87e8-b04587c8510d">Re: Eloping</a>:
    [QUOTE]  <strong>2) I don't understand that face.  It's like standard for every commercial model to perfect her "please insert your d in this face" look. </strong>
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]
    bahahah.
  • When my daughter eloped, she sent me (and everybody else) a text announcing said marriage. I was rather upset and told her so, but understand where she was coming from.  I did inform her that carrying her for 9+ months and taking 26 hours to push her 9 pounds out deserved at least a phone call.

    She, on the other hand, has threatened me if I dare to get married and she's not there.
    C+D, Four kids, two kids-in-law, four grandkids
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cb885f3-290b-4f48-91d4-f607a33359c8Post:f353baff-ab35-419d-8bd3-645795024a56">Re: Eloping</a>:
    [QUOTE]When my daughter eloped, she sent me (and everybody else) a text announcing said marriage. I was rather upset and told her so, but understand where she was coming from.  I did inform her that carrying her for 9+ months and taking 26 hours to push her 9 pounds out deserved at least a phone call. She, on the other hand, has threatened me if I dare to get married and she's not there.
    Posted by Hays2be[/QUOTE]

    I want to make sure I understand your POV...you were okay with the eloping, and okay with not knowing until after the fact, am I right?  You were upset that you were informed via text rather than phone call?  If I'm following you, would you have been okay with how it all went down had she called rather than texted?  It sounds like that's what you're saying, but I want to be sure.  Thanks for responding :) 

    I just realized I may end up being the first old married hag with a newb badge
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cb885f3-290b-4f48-91d4-f607a33359c8Post:8bc104be-b2bb-4b73-a89f-a6cd8083360b">Re: Eloping</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eloping : I want to make sure I understand your POV...you were okay with the eloping, and okay with not knowing until after the fact, am I right?  You were upset that you were informed via text rather than phone call?  If I'm following you, would you have been okay with how it all went down had she called rather than texted?  It sounds like that's what you're saying, but I want to be sure.  Thanks for responding :)  I just realized I may end up being the first old married hag with a newb badge
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

    Oh no, you won't.  I've officially had to start over at least once since the wedding.  Maybe twice?  I can't remember.  All the banninations run together.
  • Yeah, I've got nothing helpful to add, but I think that it's an awesome idea.  Man, I love elopements... I think they're romantic.  Yay!!  :)
    image
  • Love the bookstore venue!

    As a future MOG, I'd want a phone call if there was not a way to tell me in person.  Believe me, I'm girding my loins for this exact situ w/ my son, but I have a feeling I'll find out about via text or on Facebook.

    And congratulations!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cb885f3-290b-4f48-91d4-f607a33359c8Post:8bc104be-b2bb-4b73-a89f-a6cd8083360b">Re: Eloping</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eloping : I want to make sure I understand your POV...you were okay with the eloping, and okay with not knowing until after the fact, am I right?  You were upset that you were informed via text rather than phone call?  If I'm following you, would you have been okay with how it all went down had she called rather than texted?  It sounds like that's what you're saying, but I want to be sure.  Thanks for responding :)  I just realized I may end up being the first old married hag with a newb badge
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

    I was ok with the eloping, but would have preferred to know before hand, even a simple "Hey Mom, we're thinking about getting married" because four months earlier, it wasn't even on the horizon.  And the text hurt.  I understand her reasoning, but it still hurt.  It seems silly and petty, but I'm her mother--I deserved a phone call. 

    She announced her son's birth the same way--and i really understand that because I knew she was in labor and had a lot of people to tell.  Texting showed no favoritism.
    C+D, Four kids, two kids-in-law, four grandkids
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