Is this normal?

cmorino12

Im not sure what category this goes in, but this seems just about right.

Ok so let me first off start with this. I'm 23 years old and I've been engaged for a year and 2 months. I've never been with anyone longer than a year. Now, let me get to the point now.

Ok, so my first kiss, and my first boyfriend-love, (let's call him Jake) ("Jake" is not his real name. I'd rather keep his name to myself just in case in gets in to the public some how), I've started to think about him alot lately and the feelings I had for him when we dated in high school, are now all of a sudden are stirring back up again. And I think I still have the hots for "Jake". And I'm pretty sure it's normal to have feelings for your first boyfriend/girlfriend and still want room for them in your heart. I've always have and I always will have room for Jake in my heart. But the thing is, how far can normal go for feelings for your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Especially for, someone like me, who is engaged with an amazing guy who loves you to death and will do anything for you. So, am I right, is this normal to like Jake still and have feelings for him still? Am I just confused and didn't allow myself any time to get over him? Please keep in mind that Jake was, too, an amazing guy. Very sweet and thoughtful, and caring and friendly and genuine guy that's a gentlemen, and very smart and also very cute too.

Am I just getting cold feet from the thought of the wedding and just scared? I don't even know what I'm feeling.

MyUserName1

Sounds like you are not ready to get married.

I know that's harsh, but I don't think its normal for someone who is engaged to have strong feelings for their high school bf.  Maybe some nostalgia, but not "the hots."

kcscejal

I don't think that's normal.  I still care about my first boyfriend, but in the he's a nice guy and I'm glad he's happy way, not in the I still want to be with him or "have the hots" for him.

crash2729

I would say this is probably not normal.

Fond memories? I can see that. The "hots"? Not so much.

annakb8

Do you still feel a general fondness for Jake? Or do you want to be with Jake and not your FI? I think it's totally normal to harbor warm fuzzy feelings about past loves. I dated one guy seriously before my H and I will always love him in some way. He was my first love and we went through a lot together. However, I do not, under ANY circumstances want to ever be with my ex again. At all. We are over and have been for a long time.

But yeah, it sounds like you maybe not be quite ready to get married.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:3afdef34-2128-462c-9a58-ba1b2b439d4d">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you still feel a general fondness for Jake? Or do you want to be with Jake and not your FI? I think it's totally normal to harbor warm fuzzy feelings about past loves. <strong>I dated one guy seriously before my H and I will always love him in some way. He was my first love and we went through a lot together. However, I do not, under ANY circumstances want to ever be with my ex again. At all. We are over and have been for a long time.</strong> But yeah, it sounds like you maybe not be quite ready to get married.
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

This is how I feel as well... I will always love - in some capacity - my "first love" who I dated for 2 years out of high school and into college. That said, I am not "in love" with him anymore and have not been since breaking up 5 years ago. I've seriously date people since then, and now I'm engaged to FI and couldn't be happier. Do I get nostalgic for some of the things from way back when (like Disney World on NYE), absolutely. Would I ever wish I was back then in those situations instead of with FI now? Absolutely not.

Ex and I are over and done with. There is a reason he is your ex...

dragonwagon

I don't think this is normal. Getting married will not make the thoughts of this other guy go away. It will just make a bigger mess.

Kate61487

I'm with PPs that it's not normal. 

About a month before the wedding I started having dreams about my "first love"; I'm sure there was some subconscious meaning to that, but it was always over the second I woke up (and frequently IN the dream I was like "NO!  where's FI? this is wrong").  I think consiously having "the hots" for him means you're not ready to be getting married.

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:8a6b90a2-7233-4d3b-9993-a2fd61b2119f">Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Im not sure what category this goes in, but this seems just about right. Ok so let me first off start with this. I'm 23 years old and I've been engaged for a year and 2 months. I've never been with anyone longer than a year. Now, let me get to the point now. Ok, so my first kiss, and my first boyfriend-love, (let's call him Jake) ("Jake" is not his real name. I'd rather keep his name to myself just in case in gets in to the public some how), I've started to think about him alot lately and the feelings I had for him when we dated in high school, are now all of a sudden are stirring back up again. And I think I still have the hots for "Jake". <strong>And I'm pretty sure it's normal to have feelings for your first boyfriend/girlfriend and still want room for them in your heart. </strong>I've always have and I always will have room for Jake in my heart. But the thing is, how far can normal go for feelings for your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Especially for, someone like me, who is engaged with an amazing guy who loves you to death and will do anything for you. So, am I right, is this normal to like Jake still and have feelings for him still? Am I just confused and didn't allow myself any time to get over him? Please keep in mind that Jake was, too, an amazing guy. Very sweet and thoughtful, and caring and friendly and genuine guy that's a gentlemen, and very smart and also very cute too. Am I just getting cold feet from the thought of the wedding and just scared? I don't even know what I'm feeling.
Posted by cmorino12[/QUOTE]

Nope. My exes are exes for a reason. The only feelings I have for them are feelings of gratitude that I am not still with them and that I have found my FI.

Take this with a grain of salt, but 23 is young. I would be very unhappy if I had married my boyfriend back when I was 23. I'm not saying your FI isn't "the one," but I am saying perhaps you should prolong the engagement to work out some of these feelings.

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:8a6b90a2-7233-4d3b-9993-a2fd61b2119f">Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Im not sure what category this goes in, but this seems just about right. Ok so let me first off start with this. I'm 23 years old and I've been engaged for a year and 2 months. I've never been with anyone longer than a year. Now, let me get to the point now. Ok, so my first kiss, and my first boyfriend-love, (let's call him Jake) ("Jake" is not his real name. I'd rather keep his name to myself just in case in gets in to the public some how), I've started to think about him alot lately and the feelings I had for him when we dated in high school, are now all of a sudden are stirring back up again. And I think I still have the hots for "Jake". And I'm pretty sure it's normal to have feelings for your first boyfriend/girlfriend and still want room for them in your heart. I've always have and I always will have room for Jake in my heart. But the thing is, how far can normal go for feelings for your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Especially for, someone like me, who is <strong>engaged with an amazing <em>guy who loves you to death and will do anything for you.</em></strong> So, am I right, is this normal to like Jake still and have feelings for him still? Am I just confused and didn't allow myself any time to get over him? Please keep in mind that Jake was, too, an amazing guy. Very sweet and thoughtful, and caring and friendly and genuine guy that's a gentlemen, and very smart and also very cute too. Am I just getting cold feet from the thought of the wedding and just scared? I don't even know what I'm feeling.
Posted by cmorino12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't know if you meant to leave out the fact that you love him a lot and would do anything for him, but the omission of anything about that says a lot to me. 

</div>

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:d56222fc-a287-43b8-9d4f-8a0f312e664a">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Is this normal? : Nope. My exes are exes for a reason. The only feelings I have for them are feelings of gratitude that I am not still with them and that I have found my FI. <strong>Take this with a grain of salt, but 23 is young. I would be very unhappy if I had married my boyfriend back when I was 23.</strong> I'm not saying your FI isn't "the one," but I am saying perhaps you should prolong the engagement to work out some of these feelings.
Posted by staceycaine[/QUOTE]

I'm 23 and am pretty confident in my decision to marry FI...

... I don't think age is an issue here so much as emotional maturity.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:433bf04a-9687-44a5-8cd6-a530a0c73b9e">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Is this normal? : I don't know if you meant to leave out the fact that you love him a lot and would do anything for him, but the omission of anything about that says a lot to me. 
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Good catch. That speaks volumes to me, as well.

mkrupar

Anyone who uses the phrase "stil have the hots for" IMO needs to seriously re-evaluate their relationship. You're young. I know girls who were your age when they got married, but they were 100% on their feelings for their FI. You just seem a little immature thinking that it's normal to still have serious feelings for your first love.

mica178

I agree with Anna.

Birdie1483

When was the last time you talked to "Jake"? Did you guys agree on many of life's fundamentals? Did you even discuss those things in high school? Do you think you could give up your FI to be with Jake?

I think having somewhat of a fuzzy feeling for someone you dated back in the day is normal. I know I reflected on my past relationships and some had fonder memories than others. However, with every one I realized now after being with H why I was never meant to be with any of my past boyfriends. Yeah, they were great and we had great times. However, they didn't complete me the way H completes me and I could never imagine my life NOT being with H.

These are things you should think about. Are you remembering teenager Jake? How do you feel about adult Jake? Do you think he would complete you more than your FI?

laurenclaire1386

I haven't read anyone else's response, but no, I don't consider it normal. I pretty much stopped being seriously attracted to anyone but H as soon as we started dating. There is no "room in my heart" (omg gag me) for anyone else. If you're thinking enough about this dude to be asking a message board whether you're thinking too much about him, it's too much.

acaponi87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:433bf04a-9687-44a5-8cd6-a530a0c73b9e">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Is this normal? : I don't know if you meant to leave out the fact that you love him a lot and would do anything for him, but the omission of anything about that says a lot to me. 
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

YES.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:7d307dcc-d6c1-4b71-b767-4dba32b02694">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't read anyone else's response, but no, I don't consider it normal. I pretty much stopped being seriously attracted to anyone but H as soon as we started dating. There is no "room in my heart" (omg gag me) for anyone else. If you're thinking enough about this dude to be asking a message board whether you're thinking too much about him, it's too much.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

<div>This, a million times over.  </div><div>
</div><div>Its super cliche to say that "you'll just know" if your SO is "the one."</div><div>
</div><div>But it's true. </div>

kalpi108

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:7d307dcc-d6c1-4b71-b767-4dba32b02694">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't read anyone else's response, but no, I don't consider it normal. I pretty much stopped being seriously attracted to anyone but H as soon as we started dating. <strong>There is no "room in my heart" (omg gag me) for anyone else</strong>. If you're thinking enough about this dude to be asking a message board whether you're thinking too much about him, it's too much.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

<div>This. A lot. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, Nola's right that you only talked about how much your FI loves you and not how much you love him. Not to get all English major nerd on you, but when Catherine talked about loving Edgar in Wuthering Heights, it was the same crap, all about how great he was because <em>he</em> loved <em>her</em>. Nothing about her returning those feelings. Yeah, that's not the kind of love that makes for a happy, healthy marriage.</div><div>
</div><div>Whatever you decide, you need to do some serious evaluating.</div>

annakb8

Kathy was also a raging biitch, so there's that.

Don't be like Kathy OP! If "Jake" is your Heathcliff just embrace it!

mica178

Sometimes I think I'm feeling nostalgic about an ex, then I realize that I'm just feeling nostalgic about myself when I was dating that ex.  I do miss being carefree and in high school.  That doesn't mean that I want to go back and date my high school boyfriend, though.  I just would like to experience that youthful innocence and swagger again.

kalpi108

Well that's a given, Anna. A selfish, psychotic one at that. At any rate, it's no good if you only love a dude if he loves you. Oh yeah or if it's just for his money and good looks.

ETA: Ha, just saw your edit, Anna. I think if Cathy and Heathcliff were actually together, the world would end. They were awful, awful people together and separately.

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:7d307dcc-d6c1-4b71-b767-4dba32b02694">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't read anyone else's response, but no, I don't consider it normal. I pretty much stopped being seriously attracted to anyone but H as soon as we started dating. There is no "room in my heart" (<strong>omg gag me</strong>) for anyone else. If you're thinking enough about this dude to be asking a message board whether you're thinking too much about him, it's too much.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

<div>My thoughts exactly.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, it is not normal. Having "the hots" for someone else is never normal. You probably shouldn't be getting married anytime soon.</div>

ahhhitsshannyn

I would be pissed if my H had the hots for anyone. You are definitely not ready to be married.

ILoveToRobot

ok im going to go against the grain here. i didnt read everyones responses but ill put this out there. im going to make a good bet that op made some poor choices in words here. it took me a while to quote unquote learn the internet forum world. ill admit ive definately used poor choices of words and i still do. sometimes its just plain hard to convey what it is you want. it really bugs me as well when people say flat out youre not ready to get married when they only know a tiny sliver of info. that speaks volumes to me about how some people view marriage. i would suggest to op that its only bad when you start wishing you were with someone else. ive spoken to a lot of married people when i started freaking out about something similar but not exactly the same. i would definately suggest pre marital counseling because if the feelings youre having are more than lingering nostalgia the counseling may help to surface whats really going on. sorry guys im on my phone so i cant use alot of puntuation etc...

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:f6bbd939-db07-4171-8e90-4df1b6457445">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]ok im going to go against the grain here. i didnt read everyones responses but ill put this out there. im going to make a good bet that op made some poor choices in words here. it took me a while to quote unquote learn the internet forum world. ill admit ive definately used poor choices of words and i still do. sometimes its just plain hard to convey what it is you want.<strong> it really bugs me as well when people say flat out youre not ready to get married when they only know a tiny sliver of info. </strong>that speaks volumes to me about how some people view marriage. i would suggest to op that its only bad when you start wishing you were with someone else. i<strong>ve spoken to a lot of married people when i started freaking out about something similar but not exactly the same. </strong>i would definately suggest pre marital counseling because if the feelings youre having are more than lingering nostalgia the counseling may help to surface whats really going on. sorry guys im on my phone so i cant use alot of puntuation etc...
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>We only know as much as the OP lets us know. </div><div>
</div><div>So...is it the same? or different?</div><div>
</div>

ILoveToRobot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:c25ad6f5-a3c9-469a-ba8b-e503a7e1eee2">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : We only know as much as the OP lets us know.  So...is it the same? or different?
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]
exactly. you only know as much as they divulge and thats why i dont like when people jump to such harsh conclusions as the op isnt ready. my situation was that when i was with fi for the first four or so years i had blinders on but now im starting to notice other men. not in the omg i have a crush but hot damn hes good looking. i was told basically what cmg said. youre always going to notice if not now then later... also i may have worded my question much like op sinse i prob wouldnt have thought people would hone in on words like hots at the age of twenty three

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:ac77cc0a-9a11-4c9a-a0fa-0f56d2088539">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : exactly. you only know as much as they divulge and thats why i dont like when people jump to such harsh conclusions as the op isnt ready. my situation was that when i was with fi for the first four or so years i had blinders on but now im starting to notice other men. <strong>not in the omg i have a crush but hot damn hes good looking</strong>. i was told basically what cmg said. youre always going to notice if not now then later... also i may have worded my question much like op sinse i prob wouldnt have thought<strong> people would hone in on words like hots at the age of twenty three</strong>
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not even 23 and I know better than to say I have the "hots" for my ex-bf or any one for that matter.Was he good looking? Yea. </div><div>There's a big difference between "Wow...He's cute or hot." and "Man I have the hots for him".</div>

ILoveToRobot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:e3c8ee50-7fb3-429e-8ce4-155b43c92316">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : I'm not even 23 and I know better than to say I have the "hots" for my ex-bf or any one for that matter.Was he good looking? Yea.  There's a big difference between "Wow...He's cute or hot." and "Man I have the hots for him".
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]
thats just too nit picky. 

ILoveToRobot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:5b3fb7e0-a611-4359-927a-0c339399e928">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : thats just too nit picky. 
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]
i also wanted to add a question. do you think your fi is the only hot person on the planet? youve never looked at a movie star and thought even to yourself oh hes so hot? if your fi is the onlt hot guy then i either high five you or call bs.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:447a8d6c-24ed-4d08-b85d-0515a9f31c5f">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : i also wanted to add a question. do you think your fi is the only hot person on the planet? youve never looked at a movie star and thought even to yourself oh hes so hot? if your fi is the onlt hot guy then i either high five you or call bs.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>If you re-read what I wrote. You will clearly see that I said to think someone is hot is okay. But to have the "hots" for someone is not okay. </div><div>
</div><div>To have the "hots" for someone infers a feeling. It describes how you feel when your with/around a person. </div><div>
</div>