Who throws the shower?

Kate61487

I apologize if this has been asked and answered, but I couldn't find it.

In my family it has always been traditional that there are at least two showers - one for the bride's side, one for the groom's side.  I've been taught that it's inappropriate/tacky for the mother on either side to give the shower, in our family it's always been an aunt or an older cousin who hosts. 

As soon as I was engaged two of my aunts told me they'd be hosting a shower; they also offered to include my friends in their shower, so my MOH (who lives out of town) wouldn't have to host a 'friend' shower.

I've now been engaged for about a month, we're 10 months from 'the big day' no one on FI's side has mentioned a shower.  It's not exactly that I'm... expecting... a shower.  If they don't want to have one I suppose that's fine, but at the same time I don't want the women on his side to feel excluded or like I didn't invite them to a shower on purpose.  I just don't feel it's appropriate to force his side of the family on my aunts; they're already having a shower for about 60 people with just our side and my friends.

What should I do?

quotequeen

You shouldn't do anything.  If someone from your FI's side offers to throw you a shower, then you can accept.  But they aren't obligated to, and it may not be common in their family for the groom's side to have a separate shower.  If they don't offer, then you just have the one shower.

[Deleted User]

If your FI's side doesn't have a shower for you, then they don't. No big deal. But like opalsky said, it is a bit too early to be thinking about showers. You never know what will happen in the meantime. Most showers are held about 2-3 months away from the wedding anyway.

Our familes wanted to give me two showers, but we decided to just go with one since I am out of state and would of had to take a lot of time off of work and also money for plane tickets. I just gave them a list of all the ladies I wanted to invite, and my hostesses took care of the rest.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'd probably ask your aunts if you can include close female relatives from FI's side, like his mom and sisters. Then they can decide if they want to go or if they'll throw you a separate shower. 

Kate61487

Thanks for the responses girls.  I had already planned on having my FMIL, the flower girl, and the FG's mother invited to my aunts' shower.  My concern is the other aunts/cousins; if they'd feel left out.  But like I said, I don't feel right taking the shower my aunts have offered to give and doubling the size (and thus the cost)

kellyjellybelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throws-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ec6c08a-046c-44a5-8c0b-12552a17bbf8Post:ee2c7c35-5ed0-427d-bec9-2656322136ec">Re: Who throws the shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]A few things: --Y<strong>ou're ten months out. It's pretty early to be talking about showers at all, no matter who's hosting</strong>. --I'm not sure how this can be a "family" tradition when a wedding always involves people from two families. Maybe that's the way it has turned out in the past, but there are always two families with two separate sets of traditions involved. --I've never really heard of separate bride's side and groom's side showers. Maybe the groom's family is expecting to be invited to your family's shower? If you're worried about the event becoming huge, you could do one shower for the family (both sides) and one for friends.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]
My shower was planned about 10 months out.  The person who threw it wanted to get it all set, so it was all taken care of quite early.  I have a friend getting married in august next year, we're already planning the shower.  

Snippylynn

I really think you just have other things to think about right now.  You have 10 months.  Don't worry about it.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throws-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ec6c08a-046c-44a5-8c0b-12552a17bbf8Post:ee2c7c35-5ed0-427d-bec9-2656322136ec">Re: Who throws the shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]A few things: --You're ten months out. It's pretty early to be talking about showers at all, no matter who's hosting. --<strong>I'm not sure how this can be a "family" tradition</strong> when a wedding always involves people from two families. Maybe that's the way it has turned out in the past, but there are always two families with two separate sets of traditions involved. --I've never really heard of separate bride's side and groom's side showers. Maybe the groom's family is expecting to be invited to your family's shower? If you're worried about the event becoming huge, you could do one shower for the family (both sides) and one for friends.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

I just wanted to clarify - I didn't mean it was a "family tradition" I just meant that in my experience (which is based almost entirely off of my own family) that was "traditional".. like a girls only shower is traditional; or a white dress.... 

Kristin789

The shower is thrown by the MOH, assisted by the BMs.  The guest list is the bride's very closest friends, plus MOB.  Sometimes MOG.  And the shower is supposed to be held within a 6-week window prior to the event.

What you are talking about sounds more like engagement parties.
The MOB and FOB throw the first engagement party - or if could be thrown by your two aunts, to introduce FI to the bride's extended family - and you're right that it would be inappropriate and awkward to invite FI's extended family to your family's engagement party. 
Then the MOG and FOG can throw an engagement party to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family.
Engagement parties are supposed to be held in months 2 or 3 or 4 after the engagement.

Pirata13

I know it's not supposed to be like this, but my mom arranged my shower. My aunt offered her home and she and my other aunt did a lot to help prepare and decorate. And FI's mom, grannies, stepmom, aunts and SILs to that shower. Some people were able to attend, some couldn't. That was my one and only shower.

My BFF is getting married in January, and I think we the bridesmaids and the bride & groom's moms are "hosting". That will also be her only shower.