Wedding Etiquette Forum
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Thanks, but no thanks?

Months ago, FI and I asked his parents if they would be willing to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  They were quite clear that if they contributed, it would come out of our wedding gift.  At that, we decided to ask my parents to pay for it, and they accepted.  I sent out the invites for the rehearsal dinner not long ago, and FMIL told FI that the host line shouldn't be my parents' names, because she was going to pay for it.  She definitely did not say anything to either one of us about her change of heart.  While it is nice of her, I feel like that would be tacky since the invites have my parent's names as hosts.  Also, my parents have already counted and planned on hosting it.  FI says we should just let MIL pay, but I disagree.  Thoughts?      

Re: Thanks, but no thanks?

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    I think you shouldn't have asked either to contribute, but that's another story. If they both want to pay, they can split it.
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    kmbryant2413kmbryant2413 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2013
    I stopped reading after the 3rd sentence. Everything that you did was rude. If you can't pay for it, don't ask others to. YOU are the one getting married, no one should have to pay for a thing but you and FI.
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    I think that your FMIL needs to back off.  You didn't accept her offer, so she is not the host regardless of what she wants to pay for now.

    But I wouldn't have asked your parents to host-I would have just hosted myself.  A rehearsal dinner doesn't have to be formal, fancy, or expensive.
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    Why would you ask someone else to pay for something that you responsible for?
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    Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner.  That's what I've read on this website and in etiquette books.  We thought we would ask them so they didn't feel left out.  It wasn't a pressured thing, we just needed to know if it was something they were planning to do, because if they weren't then we would do something else.
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    kmbryant2413kmbryant2413 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thanks-but-no-thanks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fdaf726-4a84-40e9-ad17-a57902be9f09Post:900ebf81-5568-45b2-907e-e9f466466098">Re: Thanks, but no thanks?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner.  That's what I've read on this website and in etiquette books.  We thought we would ask them so they didn't feel left out.  It wasn't a pressured thing, we just needed to know if it was something they were planning to do, because if they weren't then we would do something else.
    Posted by lizybeff[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You asked FI's family and when you weren't satisfied with their answer you asked YOUR family, if I'm reading correctly. You're not 'including' them so they don't feel left out, you asked someone else to pay for it so you didn't miss out on a chunk of your 'wedding gift'.

    </div><div>ETA: To finish my last sentence.</div>
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    I think a lot of these ettiquette faux pas and blunders are stemming from the old school, traditions of hosting a wedding i.e. the bride's parents pay for everything, the Father of the Groom pays for the rehersal dinner and reception alcohol.

    I'm in no way condoning bad behavior, just thinking there might be a root cause.

    As everyone on this board always says, you should never, ever, ask anyone for money for your wedding at any time.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Then why would you in turn ask your parents when they said it would come out of your wedding gift if all you wanted to do was include them? You include them by asking them for their opinions (if you want them), not asking them for money. That was rude on ya'lls part.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thanks-but-no-thanks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fdaf726-4a84-40e9-ad17-a57902be9f09Post:1e828d49-7374-4246-b54f-9151bf5fa0a8">Re: Thanks, but no thanks?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think a lot of these ettiquette faux pas and blunders are stemming from the old school, traditions of hosting a wedding i.e. the bride's parents pay for everything, the Father of the Groom pays for the rehersal dinner and reception alcohol. I'm in no way condoning bad behavior, just thinking there might be a root cause. As everyone on this board always says, you should never, ever, ask anyone for money for your wedding at any time.
    Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]

    I definitely agree with this.  This is how it goes for most people in my circle.  My FSIL planned her RD without speaking with FMIL and FMIL was very upset that she was not the one hosting it because it was "the tradition".  She was so upset that they never asked her about it and she didn't want to over step her boundaries by asking because she did not know if they were actually planning to have one.  I agree that it's tacky to outright ask for a party to be hosted in your honor but if I knew it was tradition I would casually have mentioned it in front of FIL's to see if they had anything to say about it.  If not, move on and do it myself.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thanks-but-no-thanks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fdaf726-4a84-40e9-ad17-a57902be9f09Post:f9273690-2306-4ee0-aae9-4ade1d24066a">Re: Thanks, but no thanks?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Thanks, but no thanks? : I definitely agree with this.  This is how it goes for most people in my circle.  My FSIL planned her RD without speaking with FMIL and FMIL was very upset that she was not the one hosting it because it was "the tradition".  She was so upset that they never asked her about it and she didn't want to over step her boundaries by asking because she did not know if they were actually planning to have one.  I agree that it's tacky to outright ask for a party to be hosted in your honor but if I knew it was tradition I would casually have mentioned it in front of FIL's to see if they had anything to say about it.  If not, move on and do it myself.
    Posted by NYCBride2013[/QUOTE]

    My FILs are very traditional, and very soon after FI and I were engaged they approached us about hosting an engagement party (which FI declined) and the rehersal dinner.  My parents also talked to us about some things as well. . . we did not approach anyone, and we are very, very grateful to our families for what they have offered us.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Just explain to your future inlaws that you and FI are sorry that you asked them in the first place and that you were both out of line.  Also explain to them that there must have been a misunderstanding, and that the RD is already covered.  If they INSIST on helping with something, you could suggest something else (transportation, etc)
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    Thanks everyone!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thanks-but-no-thanks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fdaf726-4a84-40e9-ad17-a57902be9f09Post:1c812e9f-ca29-4843-8bdc-a22a212a564a">Re: Thanks, but no thanks?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Thanks, but no thanks? : My FILs are very traditional, and very soon after FI and I were engaged they approached us about hosting an engagement party (which FI declined) and the rehersal dinner.  My parents also talked to us about some things as well. . . we did not approach anyone, and we are very, very grateful to our families for what they have offered us.
    Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]

    I just want to clarify that I was saying I would casually mention the rehearsal dinner not who would be paying for it.  If they were interested in hosting they would most likely speak up if not I would move onto the next topic.  I did not approach anyone myself... this was merely hypothetical.

    On a similar note- both my mom and my FMIL have said they would like to pay for a breakfast the day after the wedding for the guests who will be staying at a hotel.  I know the hotel has 3 other weddings and they indicated that we should book a room for the breakfast soon.  Is it okay to contact FMIL and ask for an approx headcount so I know which room to reserve or do I wait for her to bring it up to me again? 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thanks-but-no-thanks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fdaf726-4a84-40e9-ad17-a57902be9f09Post:81c2b6e0-f053-48e9-b2e3-9b41dc83b8e6">Re: Thanks, but no thanks?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Thanks, but no thanks? : I just want to clarify that I was saying I would casually mention the rehearsal dinner not who would be paying for it.  If they were interested in hosting they would most likely speak up if not I would move onto the next topic.  I did not approach anyone myself... this was merely hypothetical. On a similar note- both my mom and my FMIL have said they would like to pay for a breakfast the day after the wedding for the guests who will be staying at a hotel.  I know the hotel has 3 other weddings and they indicated that we should book a room for the breakfast soon.  Is it okay to contact FMIL and ask for an approx headcount so I know which room to reserve or do I wait for her to bring it up to me again? 
    Posted by NYCBride2013[/QUOTE]

    If she's already offered it's fine to bring it up and try to make a more concrete plan.

    As for your FMIL/FSIL - that's on FMIL.  Why on earth wouldn't she say "hey are you having a RD? I'd like to help"?  That's like... wanting to throw someone a birthday party and never telling them until after their birthday.  Of course they're not going to ASK you to throw them a party...
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    In Response to Re:Thanks, but no thanks?:[QUOTE]Traditionally, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner. nbsp;That's what I've read on this website and in etiquette books. nbsp;We thought we would ask them so they didn't feel left out. nbsp;It wasn't a pressured thing, we just needed to know if it was something they were planning to do, because if they weren't then we would do something else. Posted by lizybeff[/QUOTE]

    They would've told you if they wanted to host it.
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    I believe my mom was asked to pay for my brothers rehersal dinner. She said she might be able to help, but couldn't pay for it. Then they planned the whole thing with out her so she figured they didn't want her to contribute... Well they did and it turned into a big fight over money after their wedding... Let me just say "they" is referring to my brothers now wife and her family. Just pay for things yourself. We told both our moms we would handle everything ourselves and expect nothing. We let them both know right off the bat and both moms are very happy with it and have offered to help in other ways. It has made it a lot less stressful for us.
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    ITA with the fact that this stuff stems from old-school etiquette. Problem is, some people grow to expect things to be a certain way (for example, the wedding I'm in: the bride naturally assumed she'd have a bachelorette and she's been insanely active in planning it. Same goes for another girl in the WP who's getting married soon). 

    Don't ask people for things; just enjoy what you do get and forget about what you don't. The only thing that matters is that you wind up married at the end of it! No one will remember 10 years down the road if you had six showers or one shower or no shower. But I can always guarantee that people will remember bad/bratty/bridezilla behavior. 
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