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Rehearsal Dinner Invites

My Fi and I went to a wedding last summer where the bride and groom hosted their immediate family and wedding party for the rehearsal dinner, and all out of town guests were invited but they needed to pay for themselves. We were really excited to get the opportunity to go, and we completely understood it wasn't in their budget to host everyone. We drove 12 hours to the wedding, and if it hadn't been for the rehearsal dinner, we would have only seen them for a few minutes at the wedding, so we thought it was a great idea. 

We are considering doing the same thing for our wedding because a lot of our guests are from out of town, but we wanted to double check that we aren't being rude before we go ahead with the plan. What does everyone here think?

Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites

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    This is beyond rude.  Everyone invited to the rehearsal dinner must be hosted properly.  Inviting out of town guests to a rehearsal dinner is completely optional, so if you can't afford to pay for them, just don't invite them.
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    That's totally rude.  

    "Hey!   We're hosting dinner for these important people and you're welcome to join us but since you're not as important you'd need to pay for yourself.   You understand, OK?"

    Not OK.    Host for all or not at all.

    I've also attended a wedding where the RD was brief and the couple went out for drinks after the RD at a local bar.   Anyone who wanted to show up was welcome to do that at their own expense.
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    No, just no.

    You have options though.  For example,  we hosted invite  everyone at an open house at the beach rental.  It started at 8pm lasted until 11pm or so. We  had a deli cater some light foods (although it wa really enough food for a full meal) and also had an open bar.  People just came and went as they pleased. 

    I've attend one where the RD was at a restaurant, but they let people know they planned on meeting up a "x" place if anyone was interested.  We all just met up with them later. Since it was not a formal invite there was no expectation it would be hosted.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to Re:Rehearsal Dinner Invites:[QUOTE]My Fi and I went to a wedding last summer where the bride and groom hosted their immediate family and wedding party for the rehearsal dinner, and all out of town guests were invited but they needed to pay for themselves. We were really excited to get the opportunity to go, and we completely understood it wasn't in their budget to host everyone. We drove 12 hours to the wedding, and if it hadn't been for the rehearsal dinner, we would have only seen them for a few minutes at the wedding, so we thought it was a great idea.nbsp;We are considering doing the same thing for our wedding because a lot of our guests are from out of town, but we wanted to double check that we aren't being rude before we go ahead with the plan. What does everyone here think? Posted by Gumby68[/QUOTE]

    Don't do this. The couple who did this to you was rude.

    If you want to invite your out of town guests, I think that's a great idea. Just host something cheaper and include everyone. Even pizza and beer or a bbq at your home. But don't include anyone you can't afford to properly host.
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    We will definitely be skipping it then. We both loved that we were able to spend more time with the bride & groom, but it occurred to me today that not everyone would see it that way. 

    We would scale it back and do something cheaper so we could just invite all of our out of town guests, but I'm on a very strict gluten-free diet which severely limits the places I can eat out, and none of them are very cheap. It also eliminates the possibility of quick and easy things we could make and do it at our house. 

    We counted how many will be there, and we're at 36 already, so we're going to stick with them and see if it's an option to meet others afterwards. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-invites-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fffdfed-dd33-454f-b4a6-2347c0d6a131Post:a921af39-ee4f-4952-a063-3e9ff691a8a5">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites</a>:
    [QUOTE]We will definitely be skipping it then. We both loved that we were able to spend more time with the bride & groom, but it occurred to me today that not everyone would see it that way.  We would scale it back and do something cheaper so we could just invite all of our out of town guests, but I'm on a very strict gluten-free diet which severely limits the places I can eat out, and none of them are very cheap. It also eliminates the possibility of quick and easy things we could make and do it at our house.  We counted how many will be there, and we're at 36 already, so we're going to stick with them and see if it's an option to meet others afterwards. 
    Posted by Gumby68[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm glad that you changed your mind.  What you have planned now sounds like a good plan.   </div><div>However, if you would like to explore the option of something cheaper to accommodate more people,I know there are a few pizza places in our area that do gluten-free pizza.  If there are pizza places in your area that do the same, perhaps that would be a budget-friendly option.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-invites-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fffdfed-dd33-454f-b4a6-2347c0d6a131Post:56022ec7-a638-4ead-86ce-a11ccc1cba5f">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites : I'm glad that you changed your mind.  What you have planned now sounds like a good plan.    However, if you would like to explore the option of something cheaper to accommodate more people,I know there are a few pizza places in our area that do gluten-free pizza.  If there are pizza places in your area that do the same, perhaps that would be a budget-friendly option.
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry if it sounded like we were going to do it. We were just considering it because we know a lot of people want to spend more time with us after traveling such a ways (75% of our guest list is out of state). We definitely don't want to be rude, which is why I asked. <div>
    <div>I can't risk eating at a pizza place the day before our wedding because there is too much chance for cross contamination on a regular day, much less when I'm in a really large group. Pizza is really risky anyway, so I only go out for pizza on mid-weekday nights when I'm sure they'll have the time to be 100% sure they're doing everything right. </div></div><div>
    </div><div>We are currently choosing from restaurants that will be doing the rehearsal dinner food in a separate area, and everything will be gluten-free to make sure I'm safe. I love that I have the options, they're just expensive. </div>
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    libby2483libby2483 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-invites-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fffdfed-dd33-454f-b4a6-2347c0d6a131Post:340df84b-a2c6-411f-a785-57eae0b3df8e">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites : I'm sorry if it sounded like we were going to do it. We were just considering it because we know a lot of people want to spend more time with us after traveling such a ways (75% of our guest list is out of state). We definitely don't want to be rude, which is why I asked.  <strong>I can't risk eating at a pizza place the day before our wedding because there is too much chance for cross contamination on a regular day, much less when I'm in a really large group. Pizza is really risky anyway, so I only go out for pizza on mid-weekday nights when I'm sure they'll have the time to be 100% sure they're doing everything right. </strong> We are currently choosing from restaurants that will be doing the rehearsal dinner food in a separate area, and everything will be gluten-free to make sure I'm safe. I love that I have the options, they're just expensive. 
    Posted by Gumby68[/QUOTE]

    <div>That makes sense.  I have both an uncle and a friend who eat gluten-free diets (and my uncle's diet is EXTREMELY strict because he has very advanced Crohn's disease) so I know how difficult it can be to find options that are both healthy and budget-friendly.  I'm glad that you have found some good options, even if they are on the pricier side.</div>
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    It's really easy to do BBQ GF, as long as their sauce is ok. That's probably what we're doing for our rehearsal dinner, b'c I'm GF. We'll hire a BBQ caterer and host in our backyard.

     

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-invites-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fffdfed-dd33-454f-b4a6-2347c0d6a131Post:8c0ea4c0-5462-4bf6-9569-d0830b95022d">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's really easy to do BBQ GF, as long as their sauce is ok. That's probably what we're doing for our rehearsal dinner, b'c I'm GF. We'll hire a BBQ caterer and host in our backyard.
    Posted by Angelface225[/QUOTE]

    <div>Any other time, I would do this, but I don't want to stress myself out too much by hosting something at my house the day before the wedding. Our backyard isn't very large, and the house itself is at capacity at about 30 people so we'd be out of luck if it rained. </div>
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    I'd personally do something like this.

    n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-invites-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fffdfed-dd33-454f-b4a6-2347c0d6a131Post:6a99e865-9e1e-453c-a243-e6f62ada8f3f">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, just no. You have options though.  For example,  we hosted invite  everyone at an open house at the beach rental.  It started at 8pm lasted until 11pm or so. We  had a deli cater some light foods (although it wa really enough food for a full meal) and also had an open bar.  People just came and went as they pleased.  <strong>I've attend one where the RD was at a restaurant, but they let people know they planned on meeting up a "x" place if anyone was interested.  We all just met up with them later. Since it was not a formal invite there was no expectation it would be hosted.</strong>
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
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    caroleisemancaroleiseman member
    First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-invites-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fffdfed-dd33-454f-b4a6-2347c0d6a131Post:f3689c34-4faa-42c9-b382-5e478cb8c0fc">Rehearsal Dinner Invites</a>:
    [QUOTE]My Fi and I went to a wedding last summer where the bride and groom hosted their immediate family and wedding party for the rehearsal dinner, and all out of town guests were invited but they needed to pay for themselves. We were really excited to get the opportunity to go, and we completely understood it wasn't in their budget to host everyone. We drove 12 hours to the wedding, and if it hadn't been for the rehearsal dinner, we would have only seen them for a few minutes at the wedding, so we thought it was a great idea.  We are considering doing the same thing for our wedding because a lot of our guests are from out of town, but we wanted to double check that we aren't being rude before we go ahead with the plan. What does everyone here think?
    Posted by Gumby68[/QUOTE]
     I understand your situation and it is a bit sticky.. how are you going to invite them.. will you need a separate invitation for those guests that explains it is self pay? We had a similar situation and instead chose  a meeting spot for after the rehearsal dinner .. it was a local pub and let all the out of town guests that were in town that we would be meeting there after the rehearsal.  It worked out beautifully and gave everyone time for a more intimate setting to visit. It was a cash bar so everyone just paid for their own drinks.  Depending on when your rehearsal dinner will be, the night before or two nights prior you can make the arrangements and let everyone know.  Here is a good article on<strong> <u><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.celebrationideasonline.com/rehearsal-dinner-etiquette.html">rehearsal dinner etiquette</a></u> </strong>that may also help you.  If you had extra money you could even have fun plastic cups made with your names and the wedding date and give them out at the meeting spot.  We did it for our<u><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.celebrationideasonline.com/post-wedding-brunch.html"> <strong>post wedding celebration</strong></a> </u>where we skipped the traditional brunch and did a trolley ride around Chicago, out wedding city.. We rented the trolley and it was BYOB .. another fantastic success.
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    Making guests pay for their dinners is rude. Also, hosting some guests and not others is also very rude.

    If you can't afford to properly host everyone, don't have an RD. You don't need it anyway- it's not a requirement.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-invites-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9fffdfed-dd33-454f-b4a6-2347c0d6a131Post:2454c8f7-fced-4e2b-9289-dad99652237d">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites</a>:
    [QUOTE]Making guests pay for their dinners is rude. Also, hosting some guests and not others is also very rude. If you can't afford to properly host everyone, don't have an RD. You don't need it anyway- it's not a requirement.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    <div>If you read the previous posts, you would have seen that we already decided we aren't going to invite the out of town guests. We need to have a rehearsal for multiple reasons, and we are able to afford to host our parents, grandparents, and wedding party, so we are going to host them as originally planned. </div>
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