Send STD or invite to an institutionalized family member?

VegasCalling

I have a family member who has been in a mental institution for about 25 years. She can't get out unless she signed out by a family member who agrees to be responsible for her for the day. So there's no way she will be coming to my wedding, which would involve a round-trip flight and several nights accommodations. 

I feel like not inviting her is kind of rude, because she's being left out of the basic formalities and will know it and may feel completely forgotten. But I feel like inviting her is also kind of rude, because it seems like it might be a slap in the face to her to be invited to something that she obviously (and that is not an over-statement -she is actively psychotic) will not be able to attend. 

Thoughts?

Simply Fated

I think it's a sweet gesture to invite her. If anything, it let's her know that you would want her there, if she were able to attend. I might skip the STD and just wait to send the invite, though.

coopsbaby

For my first marriage, exH had a step-brother in jail at the time of our wedding. We did send an invite, even though there was no way he could go. He told us later it meant a lot to him to get one, so I vote for sending her one. You wouldn't want her to feel excluded I would think.

VegasCalling

Oh no, she is heavily medicated and goes in and out of severe psychosis, but she is very cognizant of her situation. When I say she is actively psychotic, I guess I mean that even when the medications are working well and she is in a relatively lucid state, she is still emotionally unstable and exceptionally strange. 

I don't really know how to accurately describe her state of being, but she is actually rather intelligent and very cognizant of her history, situation and surroundings. Now when her meds need to be adjusted, she becomes severely psychotic and violent, but from what I understand those are transitory states and the hospital staff jump on it and get her stabilized before too long. 

She's really emotional, so I don't know how she would feel - she could get angry about not being able to attend or she could be touched by the thought. 

I guess I'll send her an invite, and hope she'll be touched by the gesture. 

Thanks for the input.

toothpastechica

I worked in a housing for the mentally ill for a short time, and the residents loved to get mail even when it was from family that we had to remind them who they were! They didnt care what it was, but if it was something exciting they would brag to everyone else and be so excited that someone on the outside cares about them. I think it would be really rad of you to send an invite. She seems like she understands why she is there, and would not expect to actually go but would be thrilled to get the invite and attention.

RaptorSLH

Lucy has good advice.  If possible, coordinate with those who know her condition best.  It's wonderful that you're thinking of her.

JoelandLeann

I think she will be touched with receiving the invitation. People enjoy keeping the actual invite as a keepsake even if they can't make it. It's a nice way to let your friends and loved ones that you are thinking about them.

JoelandLeann

I think she will be touched with receiving the invitation. People enjoy keeping the actual invite as a keepsake even if they can't make it. It's a nice way to let your friends and loved ones that you are thinking about them.

tanyanubin

Lucy has good advice. I might also enclose a note with the invitation, telling her how you'd love her to be there but understand that she can't. You could also offer to send a few pictures to her afterwards. 

mica178

Have you discussed this with other family members who might understand the current situation better?

We invited a couple of H's relatives with advanced dementia.  No one expected them to attend, but it was expected to send them the invitation because they are family and it's nice receiving pretty mail every so often.

Summer2011Bride

I think it's a very nice gesture that you want to send an invitation. But if you feel she might become angry that you sent one and she cannot attend, could you instead send a wedding announcement right after you get married? You could try to include a few wedding pictures too, if possible.

StephBeanWed61502

I vote do what Lucy said - if she's as unstable as you say, someone must be appointed to be her guardian, since it doesn't sound like she's competent to make her own decisions about her medical treatment - I'd ask around, I'll bet someone in the family will know who it is.  Ask the guardian to speak to her treating physician about whether this is something that would be welcome, or whether it's something that could disrupt her treatment.  It's a nice gesture, and if this was an elderly or physically infirm person I'd say go for it, but psychosis can be triggered by so many (seemingly random) things/events that I would want to make sure sending the invitation wouldn't trigger some sort of mental health crisis, KWIM?

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_send-std-invite-institutionalized-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1cadaaa-0825-47ff-80ef-95b335297a54Post:a490bd02-0bdf-4a8b-9601-4cedbfd7b6bb">Re: Send STD or invite to an institutionalized family member?</a>:
[QUOTE]I worked in a housing for the mentally ill for a short time, and the residents loved to get mail even when it was from family that we had to remind them who they were! They didnt care what it was, but if it was something exciting they would brag to everyone else and be so excited that someone on the outside cares about them. I think it would be really rad of you to send an invite. She seems like she understands why she is there, and would not expect to actually go but would be thrilled to get the invite and attention.
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

I'm curious, would they allow her to view the wedding through skype or something similar? Is this allowed in institutions?

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_send-std-invite-institutionalized-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1cadaaa-0825-47ff-80ef-95b335297a54Post:7f0e3f38-4368-4ad9-8b98-92d0dbf010bf">Re: Send STD or invite to an institutionalized family member?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's a very nice gesture that you want to send an invitation. But if you feel she might become angry that you sent one and she cannot attend, <strong>could you instead send a wedding announcement right after you get married? </strong>You could try to include a few wedding pictures too, if possible.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
<span style="font-size:12pt;">This is a nice idea too. If you do decide to send an invite, what about a little insert that says something along the lines of ‘hey cousin x. We know you won’t be able to make it, but we wanted you to know that we wish you could be there & will miss you. We’ll send pics after.’ That way the intension is clearer. I definitely agree with the PP in asking someone that’s in closer contact with her.</span>

calindi

We have a family member who cannot attend, and while it doesn't have the same delicate situation with the invitation (in our case, she's old and lives in Ireland and cannot travel), what we plan to do might work well for you, too.

After the wedding, we're putting together a little photo album and mailing it to her.  You could go so far as to do a Shutterfly book, if you wanted.  We're going to include a note that says we wished she could have joined us, and we wanted to share some of the memories with her since she was missed.  It sounds like she might treasure something like that, and would be able to show it off to her friends in the institution.

tpender13

Ditto Lucy -- if there's a family member that usually takes care of or accompanies this relative places, you should ask them if you should send the invite.

H has an older aunt with Down's Syndrome, and also has dementia setting in. She loves getting cards and pictures and stuff at the group home she lives at, but people don't send her invitations to things unless one of her local sisters says it's okay and they can bring her. She wants to be able to go to things, but she freaks out when she's around a lot of people and away from her cat for more than a day.

I also like the idea of sending a card and pictures after the wedding.

hollyweenOR

I'd definitely send something- at the very least a letter & pictures after, and if her care team thinks she'll feel okay about it, an invitation with a note telling her you wish she were in a situation to join you, and that you'll think of her and send pictures. I think that would be meaningful to her.