Wedding Etiquette Forum

2 questions / sanity check

ok, so im becoming more and mre of a worrywart as the big day approaches.  i wanted to share two things that are my latest "worries" and see if im handling correctly and if my thinking is sane (or atleast somewhat sane).

1. Kids - so we decided wayyy back that due to size of venue, our budget, etc we couldnt invite everyone's children.  So, my FI nieces and nephews are invited (I don't have any) and my little 5 yr old cousins who will br flower girls, and are practically my nieces.  We were A-OK with this, and now FI is making comments that people are going to be upset b/c of the flower girls in wedding and that they couldnt bring their kids.  My response is, its not just FG its nieces/nephews and FG that would bother people and we agreed to it way back when.  I don't think he really wanted kids in the WP but went along with me.  Now I feel like he wants to make the FG the "kids" issue when if there really is an issues its all the kids and not just the FG.   Not sure if that makes any sense, but from everything I read on here people seemed to say WP and immediate family was ok for kids only, but understanding that people will still not come or complain abt their kids not being invited....

Should I worry about this at this point? Or just move on and deal with it?  Not sure why FI thinks FG are an issue and not his 5 nieces and nephews.

2.  FILs are not paying for anything wedding related, and my mom paid for my dress - but we didnt ask or expect anyone in our family to help us plan for our big day.  We just didn't want anyone to feel obligated, but if either parents offered, then that was fine.  So, FMIL wants to plan this after RD get together for everyone at the hotel - reserve a ballroom, catered food, etc. 

This is bothering me for a few reasons - 1.  we didnt think they had any $ to help with wedding day, and FI doesnt think FMIL has any $ to even plan this get together.  2.  we have no clue what she is planning/wants to do 3.  my BP and I won't be able to attend after RD for other reasons. 

So, realistically this shin-dig won't happen, but it still worries me b/c sometimes plans like this are made and then the $$ issue comes back to FI.  If she can plan and pay for this then super, if it comes back to us, we cannot and will not do it.  Furthermore, if they actually do have the $ why not help with RD or some other part of wedding? 

I know we cannot tell people what to do with their $ and I am very appreciative that she does want to do something for the wedding/guests ,but I think I am just worried b/c there is a history of FI being hit up for $. 

IDK, all probably non-issues, and I am going to just let everything go and realize that its beyond my control at this point, but I guess I still have a right be slightly annoyed?
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Re: 2 questions / sanity check

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    1.  Your thought process is correct in all that are you are saying.  Just tell FI that you are not going to unask the FG's and that you are well within good etiquette with the consistancy on the kids you've decided to invite and/or not invite.  Like you said, some people might not come because their kid is not invited, but odds are they won't even think twice about the situation when they do see close family member children at the wedding.  I think FI is the one over thinking this and he probably has someone complaining in his ear about it to make him think this way.

    2.  Are your IL's the type of people that plan big things on paper that sound pretty awesome but when the day comes nothing actually happens?  I'd bet that it's mostly just talk and they'll end up just rounding oot guests that they know to go out for a drink or something after the RD.  I wouldn't worry too much about it.

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    thanks ladies!

    1. FI is actually starting to hear the complaints abt no kids b/c his family has way more kids than my family does.  its something we just have to deal with, stick together on, and remain consistent as you said

    2.  we ARE having at RD for WP and their SO's and our parents, that FI and me are paying for.  FMIL wants to do something AFTER RD for oot guests, and I get it.  but as PP mentioned it probably won't happen considering its 2 months away.  and FI made a good point that FMIL doesnt even have her hotel room and dress yet, so its realistically won't happen and if it does happen, he is adamant that we won't pay for it - so that makes me feel better - either way it goes.

    i think im just over all of the opinions about our day, what we should do, should have done, people who want to control or have say but dont contribute financially etc.  i think once invitations go out next week a lot of the guest list and kids issues will be resolved. 
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    If she were my FMIL, I would prefer she foot the bill for the RD rather than a "shindig" after the RD.  Traditionally that's the way it goes and you invite the OOT guests.  But, that's just me. 

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    @hellokatie - completely agree with you and part of why im frustrated...but, i dont think we can say well pay for RD instead b/c we picked a really fancy place for RD that we are ok paying for, but knew that FILs would not be, and didnt want them to feel like they at all had to pay for it.  Plus, not sure we can really tell FMIL what to do with her money, if she has it...but totally agree with u.
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    The decision has already been made about kids and it shouldn't be changed due to some guests complaining. I don't understand how some guests can be so rude as to complain about this.

    You can't stop your FMIL from having an after party. Perhaps she doesn't realize the actual cost and will drop the idea when she finds out how much it costs. You should just explain to her that you won't be able to attend so it wouldn't make much sense and make sure she understands the cost involved and is prepared to pay.
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