Not Having Brothers as Groomsmen

celticbeauty

Here's the 411:
I have had a lot of drama (not wedding related) with my family over the last year that has made things a little more tense and created some seperation with my parents and brothers. I have not been super close with my brothers for a few years although I talk with my sis-in-law regularily and see my brothers at family events (like Xmas) or the random family dinner. My FI isn't close with them at all and doesn't want them to stand with him as his GM. I am COMPLETELY fine with this, but I don't want to cause more family drama/issues. I'm not sure my brothers would really care, but I have the feeling my MOM would as she's mentioned stuff when this happened at other people's weddings. My FI and I would really like only 2 attendants each--all close friends. (He's an only child.) Four people on each side is really more than we care to have and he wants the same amount for each of us so that he doesn't feel like most of the people up front with us are mine (which is understandable). WHAT DO I DO? Can I not have my brothers in the wedding without causing more drama? I would be happy to give them an usher or other role. I don't want them excluded entirely. HELP!

PS. If I don't have them as GM, any ideas on how to tell them so I don't cause hurt feelings/stress for everyone?

RaptorSLH

Etiquette wise, it's fine to not have brothers be groomsmen (or bridesmen.)  

Whether it will cause drama is something that's up to your family.  Although I should point out that family and friends pushy enough to cause drama over this are often pushy enough to use the position to cause even more drama should you give it to them.  You know your family best.  Usher sounds like a fine compromise.  Reader is also an honor position, if you need one.

azdancer8

My sisters were BMs, my brother was an usher, DH's sister wasn't in the wedding party at all, and it turned out just fine. No hard feelings at all. Being siblings doesn't automatically entitle someone to a spot in the wedding party.

And as far as telling them, say what Bree said - the groomsmen are those people closest to the groom. In this case, that does not include your brothers.

jmconley08

I have 3 brothers and FI has 2 sisters and none of them are in the wedding. FSIL did tell me that she was hurt (oh well) about it, but I'm not very close with her at all. Shouldn't be an issue at all (unless your families make it one like our did). good luck!!

celticbeauty

Thanks, everyone!
I appreciate all the the feedback. My family has a very big, "we're loyal to family" thing going on, but in all reality, I don't care that my brothers are in it, I just don't want the drama. As I've thought about it, this seems like a poor reason to include them in the wedding party and make it twice the size we want it to be...so here's to hoping that it won't become a HUGE deal that I hear about for the next 20 years....LOL

PhoneCardLady

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-having-brothers-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a40fb9c0-2406-489e-af00-1d9693e5353dPost:c071ab37-bf46-409e-aeb8-631d8259d73f">Re: Not Having Brothers as Groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]The GM position is for the people closest and dearest to the groom. No they don't have to be in the wedding. FWIW, I'm very close with my brothers and they weren't GMs. I did ask them to be ushers though because I did want to include them. If you truly want them to be ushers, ask them. Then you don't even have to address the whole 'not having them be GM' issue (although you don't have to address that anyways).
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

THIS.

I have a Bro and and BIL.  I would not expect my FI to have them as GM unless HE wanted them.  At this point we may not have a bridal party.

misstomrstodr

My father was very surprised when he heard that my FH was asking his college roommate, not his older brother, to be his BM. My sister is my MOH, but I couldn't understand the requirement of having siblings in the bridal party. I was so happy and supported my FH 100% because I think you should only have a BM and GM (as well as bridesmaids and a MOH) that you really love and care about as friends to you. If your family are your friends... even better but it's not necessary. I do think that if you want to avoid the drama, as others here mentioned, have them involved in some way. I am trying to find a way to tie in my FSIL to be involved in the wedding even though there is no way in heck I would have her in m bridal party lol.

Liss1485

I totally agree with all the PP.  I have three brothers, they are in my wedding, but that was FI's choice.  I did not make it an issue he just happens to be close with them.  When my best friend got married she did not have her brothers as GM, but as ushers, and they were fine with it.  Hopefully they won't make a big deal over it, if I were you I wouldn't stress about it! Everything will be fine as long as at the end of the day you and your FI are happy, that is what is important!