wtf MOH!! long, advice needed.

bananachiki

I'm in a wedding in febuary, have been helping the bride a lot (I am making the cupcake stand, doing the flowers the day of and I am making her veil, amoung other things) and I was contacting the MOH via FB to see where she was at in planning the stagette and shower. By no means do I mind helping. especially since I know that with all the associated costs of being a BM and a full time student I can't afford to get them a wedding/shower gift.

the MOH finally msged me back today with the most awkard FB msg ever! basically she is having a joint shower/stagette at the brides mom's house. It is a lingerie/sex toy party for the ladies and then after the boys can come for what basically sounds like a party that we as BM's have to pay to host. Ok this is fine I expected this.

She goes on to say that we should all pitch in financially so we can give the bride and groom, and I quote "a gigantic cheque for a downpayment for a house since they don't need anything."

Did I mention that she is inviting ALL of the brides friends, even those who aren't invited to the wedding?

At first I thought the msg she sent me on FB was the same msg she sent to all the shower guests. I was appaled that she so bluntly (and rudely IMO) asked people to give a gift of money. I thought the msg was extremely unclear about when this monetary gift should be given, and unless she changes the wording, the people invited will think this is the shower/stagette gift and not the actual wedding gift. (which she later clarified to me it was a wedding gift and not a shower gift)

I have SO many issues with this from the fact she assumes that we as BM's are all ok with this plan (which for the most part I am, other than the fact it is EXPECTED of me to give a gift) and the fact she wants to invite people who weren't invited to the wedding.

Earlier when I had asked the bride to get a list together of all those she wanted invited to the shower and stagette I told her she shouldn't include anyone not invited to the wedding as it wasn't appropriate wedding ettiqute and it can look gift grabby.

I told that to the MOH today and her response was "well E can't afford to invite everyone to the wedding and this way everyone can be included". When I addressed the fact that it isn't MANDATORY for people to give a wedding gift her response was "you should consider being a BM an honour and not an inconvience and E and S have already spent SOOOOO much money on the wedding" as if my lack of gift shows that i'm not honoured to be a BM. If that's the case, my $300 BM dress should  be more than addequate at proving my feeling of honor.

ugh. I want to handle this classy, and not start a drama amoung the other BM's, nor am I comfortable explaining that after my monthly expenses from school etc I have less than $100 a month to live on. I feel that I shouldn't have to justify my financial situation to a stranger, nor do I feel like the MOH is handeling the situation with proper ettiquite in mind but I don't know how to address that with someone who obviously has no experience being a part of a wedding party (this is my 7th time being in a wedding party)

thanks for reading if you made it this far, your thoughts/idea/outrage are greatly appriciated ladies!

thesuninherhead

Insert outrage here.

 

I'm not sure what advice you're after, though, as it seems that you've dealt with the situation in the only way you can. Save questioning the MOH and letting her know your thoughts on the invite list and gift situation, there really isn't a lot you can do whilst still keeping the peace. 

aMrsin09

Does the bride know the MOH is planning on inviting everybody and their brother?  She may be horrified when she finds out.  Is there a way you can hint at it to the bride and let her deal with the MOH and guest issue?

eastunder1

I'm not envious of you at all.  It sounds like this MOH lives in a dream world or thinks your alls lives are actually part of a movie.  "Of Course we'll invite everyone she knows and it will be ok"  "Of COURSE we'll all just pull money out of our @sses and give them a down payment on a house!"  (??!)  "Of COURSE we should all just feel honored and happy and not consider reality or what a raging b*tch I am."

*sigh* 

II also just wanted to throw in there that I HATE sex toy parties and think they are beyond awkward.  Yuck.  Thats just like the cherry on the cake.

I don't really know what to say as far as advice goes.  Mainly just try to ignore all the rainbow unrealistic bullsh*t coming out of this MOHs mouth and just focus on the facts and critical information.  When are the parties, what is expected of you monetarily, what you should do to help.  Other than that,  try to put as much of her BS in one ear and out the other.  Things you can not afford or are ridiculous (a HOUSE downpayment, is she f-ing serious?!) be straightforward and say so.  You  shouldn't be expected to put one cent more than you can afford forward.  And you owe no one an explaination.  "I can contribute $80 to this party, but that is it" is all the explaination anyone needs.  Your money is your business.   If she gets too unbearable, I would consider bringing the bride in on it.  She would probably want to know if her MOH is acting a fool and being impossible.  I would.  

Best of luck.  Maybe consider earplugs!

bananachiki

phewf i'm SO glad i'm not over reacting to the situation!

unfortunately going to the bride about this all would only make ME look like i'm being outrageous by "complainging" about money. The bride and MOH are alike in the fact that they both are out to lunch on acceptable wedding ettiquite. Sorry but I'm not buying your wedding gift with my student loan money which at the moment, is my only source of income.

feels better just to talk to sane people about it!

saschaduran

Ugh...I feel bad for you.  What a nightmare.

And having a dildo party with my family sounds like LOTS of fun.

bananachiki

oh emm geee I completely forgot that her FAMILY would be invited since it's a joint shower/stagette. 

The more I hear about this the more I don't want my name attached to it! I'm really curious to see what the other 2 BM's think about, but since the MOH sent it to each of us individually on FB instead of as a cc'd type msg I have no idea what their responses will be.

SarahPLiz

That MOH and bride are way off base. Gifts can be non-monetary, so I think making a cupcake stand, arranging flowers, and making a veil definitley count as a wedding gift. You are using your talents because you don't have the cash, which is perfectly acceptable, and IMO even better. Feel free to tell the MOH that you have already decided on your gift and it is not cash. Tell her how much you can contribute to the party, if any, and stick to your limit. If she'd rather not have your $80 and throws a fit about it, then don't go to the party. Remind her and the bride of the other contributions you are making out of the goodness of your heart.

banana468

I think you can say, "I think that gift could be great, but right now I'm just tapped out. I'm really not comfortable putting my name down as host of the party if people are invited who aren't wedding guests.  I've done some research and everything I can find says that this would not be OK.  Plus, the girls on TK also say that this would be a really bad idea so that's some IRL advice."

"Instead, why don't we throw that shower but only invite the people invited to the wedding.  After the shower if my finances improve then I'll be able to talk to you about contributing to the big gift."

Nebb

I think the only acceptable thing you can do is to suggest the MOH comes to this specific board to get advice from us on how to make this work. If only so we can point out repeatedly what an awful idea this is and how far from reality she seems to be.

bananachiki

hahaha i SERIOUSLY contimplated pointing her in this direction. I know the girls on the knot would set her crooked head straight.

trust me on this one girls, if I bring this up to the bride she will only get upset with me since she has no idea right from wrong in this regard and it will end up making me look cheap.

I basically told the MOH that gifts of any kind aren't mandatory, but I've been helping out as much as I can to make up for the fact that I know I won't be able to get a gift.

This is pety, but I just noticed that the MOH and the other 2 BM's are friends on FB and they added each other just recently. In all honesty for an instant I felt a little zing about that. Did I miss the cool kids party or something?!

Nebb

I think if the cool kids "think" like that, id rather be lame. You have to put up with these girls for 2 days, maybe 3. Just grin and bear it, be firm on what you can and cant do/afford and stand your ground if they try to make you feel bad about it. You never have to see them again after the wedding day.

dianenjnj

wow

talk to the bride and tell her you will not be a party to this outrageously rude behaviour...if she insists you go along...frankly, i'd bow out.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

It's not an "honor" to be asked to give a big present to someone who's wedding you aren't invited to.

I'd tell her you can't afford the expense and that you'd rather not be listed as a host for this trainwreck.

And ditto - be sure the bride knows what's going on. The MOH should be asking her for a list of people to invite, not just randomly inviting everyone the bride knows. So maybe ask the bride, "Hey, MOH and I were wondering about your shower guest list. Could you give us a list of women who are invited to the wedding who you think would be interested in an invite?" No need to complain about the MOH or money to her.

JanoBean75

For my sister's bach, her MOH told the rest of us BMs that we NEEDED to pay $200 each (there were less than 12 people at the party, which was called a "poolerette" party because it was at a pool. LAME!) for the champagne and food.

Um, if we're all bringing food in individually (I had dessert because I do awesome cakes; another did some sides, another did entree, etc.), why are we paying for food?

I reminded the MOH (can't STAND HER!) that I was out of work and couldn't afford to spend $200 when I was already spending money on my dress, hair and make-up, shoes, money for the shower, etc. Besides, I don't like champagne, so not drinking any. I did talk to my sister and she got the MOH to settle down. "it's a POOL party, we don't need expensive champagne. Get some beer and call it a day!"

I couldn't afford a gift for my sister and her husband so I made them a photo book using a book kit I already had and their wedding photos. And you know what? It was their favorite wedding gift because it was more meaningful than towels and a place setting.

swtasa

Ouch I do not envy you in the slightest.

Though I would broach the subject cooly with the bride like "Oh I hear the shower is gonna be extravagant" or something of the sorts... or since you sound very close to the bride maybe even tell her mom

This is why I'm happy my mother and sisters are doing my bridal shower.

banana468

Honestly, why would you want to be friends with someone who treats  you like that??

SarahSmile23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtf-moh-long-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44495b3-d408-4ead-9ec0-abe8284f775ePost:bd8d89e8-438d-4d02-9c80-e734414f7ab6">Re: wtf MOH!! long, advice needed.</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, why would you want to be friends with someone who treats  you like that??
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

this is exactly what i was thinking as i read this!