If you invite one family member, do you need to invite them all?
This is both me and my FI 2nd wedding. We want a very small wedding, 30 guests aprx and we are paying for the whole thing. We are having it on an "off" day (a Wednesday) to cut expenses, be more orginial and make it more special. I have a very large, very estraged family, the wedding and funeral type. To my first wedding, everyone came, including my mother's cousins. Obviously, I don't want all them, but I would like to invite my closest family. My Godmother, who is also my mother's sister. My father's oldest sister, whom I am very close and my dearest cousin and her husband. If I invite all my uncles and aunts, it balloons the guest list to 60, way too many! But I feel bad if I just invite the family I want and leave out the rest, isn't that tacky? So am I stuck inviting everyone? Can hope that since it's a Wednesday wedding, I will get a lot of declines, especial from out-of-state family? But then am I setting us up for the whole gang attending and caught in a situation were we can't afford the extras we'd like for ourselves, like a string quartet to play at the ceremony. I also don't want to appear gift seeking by inviting a lot of family. This is a second wedding and many of these people gave gifts at my first (I understand that etiquette states they are not obligated to give gifts for 2nd weddings, but personal I would give a gift and afraid other's would feel the same.) I was considering sending out Save The Date cards and put a little note in the extended family envelopes that states something along the lines of, "Due to the unusual date of our wedding, we understand that many many not be able to attend. Please inform us if you wish not to recieve an invitation" (probably worded classier, but you get the idea). But is that baiting the line for declines? I really don't know what to do. I don't want to slight an already fragmented family further, but I also don't feel the need to be the event that brings people together, especially in a small venue and on my dime. Any advice??
Re: If you invite one family member, do you need to invite them all?
[QUOTE]This is both me and my FI 2nd wedding. We want a very small wedding, 30 guests aprx and we are paying for the whole thing. We are having it on an "off" day (a Wednesday) to cut expenses, be more orginial and make it more special. I have a very large, very estraged family, the wedding and funeral type. To my first wedding, everyone came, including my mother's cousins. Obviously, I don't want all them, but I would like to invite my closest family. My Godmother, who is also my mother's sister. My father's oldest sister, whom I am very close and my dearest cousin and her husband. If I invite all my uncles and aunts, it balloons the guest list to 60, way too many! But I feel bad if I just invite the family I want and leave out the rest, isn't that tacky? So am I stuck inviting everyone? Can hope that since it's a Wednesday wedding, I will get a lot of declines, especial from out-of-state family? But then am I setting us up for the whole gang attending and caught in a situation were we can't afford the extras we'd like for ourselves, like a string quartet to play at the ceremony. I also don't want to appear gift seeking by inviting a lot of family. This is a second wedding and many of these people gave gifts at my first (I understand that etiquette states they are not obligated to give gifts for 2nd weddings, but personal I would give a gift and afraid other's would feel the same.) I was considering sending out Save The Date cards and put a little note in the extended family envelopes that states something along the lines of, "Due to the unusual date of our wedding, we understand that many many not be able to attend. Please inform us if you wish not to recieve an invitation" (probably worded classier, but you get the idea). But is that baiting the line for declines? I really don't know what to do. I don't want to slight an already fragmented family further, but I also don't feel the need to be the event that brings people together, especially in a small venue and on my dime. Any advice??
Posted by Ramiau3[/QUOTE]
<div>It is best to make general cuts in family, like all aunts and uncles, or first cousins only. I don't think you need to invite all the cousins again, but I would probably extend the invite to all of your parents siblings. As for the one cousin you want to invite, is it obvious to everyone how close you are? We invited first cousins only, but I have 1 second cousin who I am very close with her and her H, and have even vacationed with them. They were the 1 exception to our first cousins only rule, and nobody questioned it because she was invited as a friend, not family. </div><div>
</div><div>Please don't send out STD's with that line. If you really don't want OOT people to come, don't send any STD's. The reason for them is to let people know ahead of time the date so they can start making travel plans if they want. They aren't necessary, and in your case I would just completely skip them. Send the invites out at about 6 weeks, and most likely a lot of OOT people won't come. </div>
FI family is small, but all out-of-state and given it's a Wednesday wedding, we do need STD cards. But I agree, I didn't like the idea of the invitation line. I was suggested by a friend and I wanted to see how other's feel.
I am not even sure yet if I am inviting my mother. And there is an aunt who I don't want in my sight, let alone to my wedding. So this is a very estranged family. I personal think my only aternative is to make the rule no aunts & uncle and no cousins. My FI is not inviting any of his aunts or uncles. Just parents, grandparents, and brothers. I should follow suit. I think the only one who is going to be feel slighted by not being invited at all is my God-mother.
By estranged what do you exactly mean? Do you see them on major holidays and thats it? (Do you even really talk to them at such times?) Or do you never see them? Or only here and there?
-For my wedding from my side I am only inviting certain aunts/uncles and cousins from my dad's side. He has 8 brothers/sisters. Only two aunts with their husband and children are invited. However,my situation is that I have nothing to deal with the rest of them. We have no relationship whatsoever.
-So I guess what I am saying is how strained your relationship with them should be the deciding factor as to who to invite.
[QUOTE]<strong>FI family is small, but all out-of-state and given it's a Wednesday wedding, we do need STD cards.</strong> But I agree, I didn't like the idea of the invitation line. I was suggested by a friend and I wanted to see how other's feel. I am not even sure yet if I am inviting my mother. And there is an aunt who I don't want in my sight, let alone to my wedding. So this is a very estranged family. I personal think my only aternative is to make the rule no aunts & uncle and no cousins. My FI is not inviting any of his aunts or uncles. Just parents, grandparents, and brothers. I should follow suit. I think the only one who is going to be feel slighted by not being invited at all is my God-mother.
Posted by Ramiau3[/QUOTE]
Call these few people and tell them the date of your wedding - send invites 6 weeks in advance... you never "NEED" stds
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Like I said, both sides of my family, we are a wedding/funeral type family. The only reason I saw all of my father's side of the family last year was because my grandfather passed. Before that, it was my first wedding six years ago. I honestly only have one aunt/uncle set on my mother's side and one set on my father's side we see on any regularity and one cousin and husband who I have any interaction with. I am 100% estranged from my mother, we don't have any relationship, so I can't go to her. And my father really doesn't care what, who or when... just wants me to do whatever makes me happy. (almost exact quote. I don't think he really wants to socialize with all those people either)
Also, we are planning a Wednesday wedding, so we expect a lot of declines even from close friends, and I have family out-of-state. So part of me thinks it's the thought of sending out the invite that counts, since many will probably decline. But that feels like gift seeking sending invitations to people who I doubt will make it (like I said in an earlier message in this thread. I know that for a second wedding no one is obligated to buy a gift, especially since many already did so for my first. But I have send out many gifts for second weddings.)
Anyway, I am probably making a big deal out of nothing and it wasn't until I started reading this site that I began to worry about it. (just because we are a disjointed family doesn't mean I want to slight anyone or hurt thier feelings) My first thought was invite the people I want, those I know will come. Send out STD to my FI family since they are all from out-of-state and need travel arrangements. (we are doing them at home, so making out five is not a big deal) Invite my Godmother - the aunt/uncle from my mother's side, the only aunt/uncle set from my father's side I have contact with and my one cousin and her husband. If anyone even bothers to say anything, I will tell them we had a small wedding and it was a Wednesday evening. I doubt I will even see any of these people to be questioned about my "rudeness" for another six years.