Who to Invite

brittanycurtisjohnson

First, My FI and I are paying for everything ourselfs. We know our familys have no money, we have more than they do and they know that we have a bit in savings.

I asked my mom who on her side to invite, she starts naming people who I don't know (her friends lifetime) says that she has sent her kids gifts they probably won't show but will send nice gifts. I told her that that isn't right, she says "They expect an invitation we are lifelong friends, we are old school and thats how we do it it would be rude not to invite them" I understand where she is coming from but it just doesn't seem right to me?

She's pretty upset that I told her I might not send them one. I'm not mad or upset that she is trying to add people, I'm just trying to grasp this concept, and keep our bill small (but if they aren't going to show, which she guarentees they won't we are a couple states away this won't matter the money issue.)

On the other side of the family (My dad's) his family lives even further away, he has 2 brothers and a sister, all married and have tons of kids. I don't talk to any of them at all, but he said they probably expect a invite too. One already asked for one over facebook the moment I was engaged. Only him, my grandma (his mom) and my sister and her boyfriend(maybe boyfriend, he probably wont come) I know for sure will be here without a doubt.
How do I handle his side of the family and the kids?

Sorry so long, Thank you!

UberBiz

If you're paying for the wedding yourself, why even ask your mom who to invite? Shouldn't that be your and your FI's choice? Just because people "expect" an invite, doesn't mean you suddenly have an obligation to send them one.

Summer2011Bride

Since you two are paying, you do get control over the guest list. I would just tell your mom (and his dad too), "We would love to invite everyone we want to, but it just is not feasible with our budget. Sorry, but we cannot include them." If they feel these people MUST be invited, then they can pay for these guests' meals.

And I would not let your mom talk you into inviting someone because "they won't come anyway." Guests who you think won't come end up RSVPing yes all the time. We had a cousin from California come who we thought wouldnt make it (we wanted to invite her either way; were just pleasantly surprised she could attend). So you just never know.

Meegles4

Since you're paying for the wedding, you/your FI have final say on the guest list. Here's how I'd approach each case:

Mom's friends: You can't guarantee they won't travel. Several of my parents' friends traveled from out of state for our wedding. So, unless you can afford to have them there, they shouldn't get invited at all. Definitely DON'T invite them assuming they won't come. A) They might and that's tacky and gift-grabby even if that's "how it's done".

Dad's family: The same rule could apply here: don't invite them if you can't afford to host them and don't assume they won't travel. However, in this case, I would probably invite them because they are your aunts/uncles. For their kids (your cousins), you could make a call not to invite cousins at all, or if you're REALLY close to some of them but not others, you could probably make a case for inviting a select few. This is something I'd talk over with your dad to see how he feels about inviting family. IMO, family trumps friends (aka, your mom's crowd) so if any of these groups get an invite, it should be the aunts/uncles.

brittanycurtisjohnson

Well I asked "Which family members should I invite on your side again?" Cause we had talked and I didn't know if I should invite her sisters or not (used to be pretty close to them would be nice if they could come, but there is alot of family drama I'm not (my choose) clued in on).
Family that would be very offened if I didn't invite them is what I wanted from her.

brittanycurtisjohnson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-invite-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a4f6ce5c-2059-4a94-997c-f6877f70c13aPost:f7cf5d4b-043c-4685-aa94-a377283b41d7">Re: Who to Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Since you're paying for the wedding, you/your FI have final say on the guest list. Here's how I'd approach each case: Mom's friends: You can't guarantee they won't travel. Several of my parents' friends traveled from out of state for our wedding. So, unless you can afford to have them there, they shouldn't get invited at all. Definitely DON'T invite them assuming they won't come. <strong><u>A) They might and B) that's tacky and gift-grabby even if that's "how it's done".</u></strong> Dad's family: The same rule could apply here: don't invite them if you can't afford to host them and don't assume they won't travel. However, in this case, I would probably invite them because they are your aunts/uncles. For their kids (your cousins), you could make a call not to invite cousins at all, or if you're REALLY close to some of them but not others, you could probably make a case for inviting a select few. This is something I'd talk over with your dad to see how he feels about inviting family. IMO, family trumps friends (aka, your mom's crowd) so if any of these groups get an invite, it should be the aunts/uncles.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

That's exactly why I am uncomfertable with it. I just don't want to upset her and her friends, I just really really don't want to pay for them, should I limit her to a number of "old school friends" she can invite? I feel horrible about it I really do since they EXPECT it but if they show, Idk....

libby2483

Since you and your FI are paying, you have control over the guest list.  What I would do if I were in your shoes is calculate how many guests you will have at your wedding based on your budget and your preference.  Make a list of the family and friends that you and FI want there.  Then, based on how many "spots" you have left, say to your mom and FI's parents, "This is who we already have on the invitation list.  Please feel free to invite X number of friends or extended family members".  Make it clear that this number is final and going over that number is not possible.

Also, you are right not to listen to your mom that these people won't come.  We have family friends and extended family members that we never thought would come traveling several hours to attend.  You never know who will want to make a little vacation out of it or use it as an opportunity to catch up friends and family that they don't often see.  Plan on everyone you invite attending.  There are plenty of brides on these boards who have had 100 percent attendance or very close to it.

brittanycurtisjohnson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-invite-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a4f6ce5c-2059-4a94-997c-f6877f70c13aPost:b12ed14d-a56f-4051-b12d-48e24fb79f8c">Re: Who to Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Since you and your FI are paying, you have control over the guest list.  What I would do if I were in your shoes is calculate how many guests you will have at your wedding based on your budget and your preference.  Make a list of the family and friends that you and FI want there.  Then, based on how many "spots" you have left, say to your mom and FI's parents, <strong><u>"This is who we already have on the invitation list.  Please feel free to invite X number of friends or extended family members".  Make it clear that this number is final and going over that number is not possible. </u></strong>Also, you are right not to listen to your mom that these people won't come.  We have family friends and extended family members that we never thought would come traveling several hours to attend.  You never know who will want to make a little vacation out of it or use it as an opportunity to catch up friends and family that they don't often see.  Plan on everyone you invite attending.  There are plenty of brides on these boards who have had 100 percent attendance or very close to it.
Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

Thank you will probably do it this way! For my dad's side I will definatly get a hold of him and do what he thinks is the best way since it is family.

brittanycurtisjohnson

UGHHH. I messed up and brought up invites to her AGAIN, I mean I kinda have to to get addresses and husbands names and such. I asked her "Will Aunt So and So be expecting a invite?" My family on her side is so messed up it's not even funny, I want to invite family but certain family sending an invite would cause drama so I am simply double checking on who is ok to send to and who I shouldn't you know?

She replys with "Why are you being so cheap with your invites?"
OMFG. Really Mom? I'm going to pull my hair out.
I told her no so many times it's insane.
"No mom, you can't just invite people assuming they won't come because if they do I have to end up paying for them."
Her - "Well have everyone RSVP."
"Mom, you don't understand, I am already going to have people RSVP *BUT* if everyone says yes I won't have enought room/money."
Her - "Not everyone is going to show up, it's not about the gifts!" (Earlier she said oh they won't come but they wil send a nice card/gift).
"Mom you brought up the gifts. I'm telling you I don't care about the gifts, I care about people I don't know showing up taking up room at my wedding and me having to feed them."
Her - "They want an invitation, it's nice to get an invitation, that's why you ask for a RSVP."
Me talking to my FI "OMFG my mom is freaking nuts!"
"Mom, once again, if everyone rsvps yes, I have to pay for them to eat. Plus favors, cake, alcohol, save the dates, invites, more people = more tables, linens, centerpieces."
Her - "How many seats do you get?"
"It's not about taking the list to the max, it's about how many people we can afford. We are inviting our friends and family. We aren't trying to fill seats."
Her - "How many people are you inviting??" - She sent this like 3x. Good Lord.
At this point I really just wanted to say none of your damn business that's how many, and the nicest way I could think to put that was "That # is not relevant to this conversation, thats my info."

She sent "Goodnight."

Great, now she's mad, I need info on invites, and I have a feeling this conversation is not over with.
I'm trying here, I don't want to upset anyone, offend anyone, but I have a house to buy, not money to waste. I'm going to loose my mind and I haven't even gotten through the invite list.

My fiance says - "Geez it's kinda like argueing with you, just let her invite who she wants so we don't have to deal with her, they won't come anyways." & ALSO "But I really don't want people we don't know there."

Am I the only one who see's the problem with this??