Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:0619a22b-5545-4045-b540-bce6aadc2a3a">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : <strong>Yeah, it makes her sound worse</strong>.  Sounds like she's decided she's not inviting him and doesn't care if the FSIL decides not to come.  OP, how the hell is the rest of your super-conservative family going to even KNOW that he was in jail?  Are you planning on advertising that fact?  Because the right thing to do would be to keep your mouth shut to avoid creating drama or awkwardness - unless, of course, he is a child molester or rapist or something like that.
Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

I agree, just found it so I thought I'd share.

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:da9f62fc-8da9-4fb0-b232-1954e7fc6bfb">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : based on whats written in there, sounds like you dont' want either of them there.  so just don't invite her either.  it might cause a drift with her parents, but if you and your FI both dont' want her there... then dont' invite her and you won't have to worry about him.  But I think if you invite her and they are still married and together then you more than likely have to invite him too (pending knowing what he was convicted of).
Posted by peanutty2[/QUOTE]

I didn't see where it said her FI doesn't want him there - just that he's not really close with her.  I'm not close with my stepbrother, but I'd still like him at my wedding.

And really, this is (again, with the caveat dependong on what he was convicted for and what the circumstances were) a pretty dumb thing to create a rift with OP's FILs over.  They are going to be family.  It's not smart to start off on a bad note like this.

Moneypenny424

Lynda, your post is exactly why I didn't ask if he's a "sex offender."  There are many "sex offenders" who were 18 year olds sleeping with their 16 year old girlfriends.  Sad, but true.

peanutty2

That's my second question for OP then, what does your FI think?  Does he want her there?  It's his sister, if he wants her there she should be invited.

MyNameIsNot

FWIW, if he was convicted of rape or murder, or even child molestation, he'd still be in jail.  Those are serious felonies, and you don't get out after a couple of years.  And anything sexual with kids, he wouldn't be able to attend with kids around anyway.  It would be a condition of his parole.  

If he's out after a couple of years, I'd bet anything it's drugs.  But you know, if the state has decided he's erned parole and a second chance, who are you to say he hasn't?  He's served his time.  It's not fair to continue to assume that he's a dangerous criminal.  

And hai Daff!

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:35f0fbd7-3daa-4fba-8eba-0ed06f538ca7">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's my second question for OP then, what does your FI think?  Does he want her there?  It's his sister, if he wants her there she should be invited.
Posted by peanutty2[/QUOTE]

Great question. And if he does want her there, he's invited too. :)

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:56a9cd6b-0a1a-40e0-8437-462c9999e0c8">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]Lynda, your post is exactly why I didn't ask if he's a "sex offender."  There are many "sex offenders" who were 18 year olds sleeping with their 16 year old girlfriends.  Sad, but true.
Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Until M  I never realized how often that kind of stuff actually happens. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

StacyJenniges

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:39b9b8e7-db3e-4b04-a188-fb1111a15d7e">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not all convicts are created equal.  Even not even if they are convicted of the same crime. For example we have a good friend who is a convicted sex offender.  He got hosed big time.  He was a bartender and befriended this girl has been a patron of the bar for a year or more.   The relationship turned sexual and then her parents found out.  She was only 17 (drinking age in the VI is 18, so it's not really that far off).  The girl admitted she had a fake id and lied about her age.   He was talked into pleading guilty for probation.  On sentencing day they sent him to jail for 10 years.    On the SAME DAY a 48 year old man was sentenced to 18 MONTHS for raping his 13 year old niece.   Yes, you saw that correct 18 months for raping a 13 year old niece vs. 10 years for for having consensual  sex with an underaged girl who had fake ids and lied about her age. Our friend is more that welcome in my home and around any future kids we might have.    Because of our friend, ex-cons will be on a case by case basis.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

A very good point.  It does depend on what he did. What does your Fiances family thing abut the situation?  That is really who I would discuss this with.  You family doesn't have to know that he is an ex-con. 

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:f13d8a46-ee17-46a6-8fbe-7c94dfc6d057">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]FWIW, if he was convicted of rape or murder, or even child molestation, he'd still be in jail.  Those are serious felonies, and you don't get out after a couple of years.  And anything sexual with kids, he wouldn't be able to attend with kids around anyway.  It would be a condition of his parole.   If he's out after a couple of years, I'd bet anything it's drugs.  <strong>But you know, if the state has decided he's erned parole and a second chance, who are you to say he hasn't?</strong>  He's served his time.  It's not fair to continue to assume that he's a dangerous criminal.   And hai Daff!
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
Exactly this.

AbbeyS2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:56a9cd6b-0a1a-40e0-8437-462c9999e0c8">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]Lynda, your post is exactly why I didn't ask if he's a "sex offender."  There are many "sex offenders" who were 18 year olds sleeping with their 16 year old girlfriends.  Sad, but true.
Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]

Happens way too often MP, unfortunately, usually brought on by overzealous parents who are pissed their wild daughter got KU because they did not rein her in, and want someone else to pay for their mistake. 

hlq2011

Wow, forty posts and only the first from the OP. 

I meant to say, Lynda, that a cousin of mine was in the same situation as your friend.  He's since gotten into all sorts of other trouble, and is not invited to my wedding, but his initial conviction wouldn't have prevented me from inviting him to my wedding, or having him around my kids.

LMB311

I was out because I found four kittens under my porch and I had to rescue them.

My FI doesn't care if dude gets invited...doesn't care if his sister comes.  My family will know because no one keeps this a secret--not FSIL, not FI, not the in laws, not me.

He was picked up for drug dealing & trafficking over state lines.  Still is dealing according to all sources including FSIL.   

blush64

I think it depends on what he was in prision for as other PP have suggested.

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:92644293-a991-409a-9bf2-c6628609febf">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was out because I found four kittens under my porch and I had to rescue them. My FI doesn't care if dude gets invited...doesn't care if his sister comes.  My family will know because no one keeps this a secret--not FSIL, not FI, not the in laws, not me. He was picked up for drug dealing & trafficking over state lines.  Still is dealing according to all sources including FSIL.   
Posted by LMB311[/QUOTE]

I still stand by what I said.  I'd invite him, and not advertise the fact that he's an ex-con.

How do your FILs feel about the idea of not inviting him and the sister?  Because you should really do either both or neither, not invite her alone.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:92644293-a991-409a-9bf2-c6628609febf">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was out because I found four kittens under my porch and I had to rescue them. My FI doesn't care if dude gets invited...doesn't care if his sister comes.  My family will know because no one keeps this a secret--not FSIL, not FI, not the in laws, not me. He was picked up for drug dealing & trafficking over state lines.  Still is dealing according to all sources including FSIL.   
Posted by LMB311[/QUOTE]
I have a feeling you just wanted to hear us tell you that it's ok not to invite him. Drug dealer or not, he's done his time and I think you and your sister need to get over it. Invite him and let SIL make the call about whether or not to bring him.

cbratthauer

OP check your PM

Meg1036

The drug dealer who has done his time is not that impressive of a threat to your guests.  If your FI truly doesn't care if his sister comes, then don't invite her, and problem is solved (you may open a whole new set of problems, but that's a different story).  By saying her husband is not welcome, you really are saying the FSIL is not welcome.  If this is the case, don't invite either of them and deal with the consequences.  If FSIL is welcome, her husband must be too.  You're trying to have it both ways here, and you can't.

overloaded

I dont think they must be to committed because you did say that she was seeing other men while he was in prision and they just started seeing each other again. Was he in jail for a really long time and what did he do. Did you ask you SIL if she wanted him there?

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:6602514b-0962-4592-ba0c-f693d37df326">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The drug dealer who has done his time is not that impressive of a threat to your guests.</strong>  If your FI truly doesn't care if his sister comes, then don't invite her, and problem is solved (you may open a whole new set of problems, but that's a different story).  By saying her husband is not welcome, you really are saying the FSIL is not welcome.  If this is the case, don't invite either of them and deal with the consequences.  If FSIL is welcome, her husband must be too.  <strong>You're trying to have it both ways here, and you can't.
</strong>Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

Exactly. I would just invite them both and stop yourself from creating more drama and problems in your new family. It's seriously not worth it for this, or many other things people destroy relationships over.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:86797b56-1b71-4bc1-800e-e88f2c51a14b">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont think they must be to committed because you did say that she was seeing other men while he was in prision and they just started seeing each other again. Was he in jail for a really long time and what did he do. <strong>Did you ask you SIL if she wanted him there?
</strong>Posted by overloaded[/QUOTE]

I feel like sending them both the invitation is "asking SIL is she wants him there". That is their decision as a couple. If they're seeing each other again, they must be trying to work out their issues. No one except them is capable of judging their realationship status.

lyndausvi

You know my parents are pretty damn conservative people.   I'm not sure they even know what pot smells like.   But they are not so judgmental has to care of a spouse of guest from DH's side is a convict or not.    KWIM?     

Of course, this is someone who's estranged FIL is in witness protection for the 2nd time over mob-like activities.   

My parents know about DH's father, but it's a non-issue as it does not effect them in anyway.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:86797b56-1b71-4bc1-800e-e88f2c51a14b">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]I<strong> dont think they must be to committed because you did say that she was seeing other men while he was in prision </strong>and they just started seeing each other again. Was he in jail for a really long time and what did he do. Did you ask you SIL if she wanted him there?
Posted by overloaded[/QUOTE]

<div>Not everyones committed relationships work the same. They are married, they obviously worked something out that works between them. And that's all that really matters.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, who is paying for the wedding? Do you really think you are going to notice this 1 guy? Just invite them, and keep your mouth shut about his history, because it's really noone's business.</div>

nattykins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:4b4321d1-714a-4f76-bb05-42991beb2c77">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple? : As someone who deals with criminals all day long, ex cons aren't that big a deal. Most of them are normal people who just fucked up. Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Agreed - my own dear father was in prison. He is a good guy who did some stupid things. I remember going to their "Christmas Social" and thinking that everyone was so normal! :P

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:86797b56-1b71-4bc1-800e-e88f2c51a14b">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I dont think they must be to committed because you did say that she was seeing other men while he was in prision and they just started seeing each other again. </strong>Was he in jail for a really long time and what did he do. Did you ask you SIL if she wanted him there?
Posted by overloaded[/QUOTE]

Read the thread and you'll see what he did. 

Also, the bolded part?  It's not for you to judge someone else's relationship, and it's not for OP to, either.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ok-not-invite-kids-but-not-ok-not-invite-parts-of-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a54acd1c-c264-46c9-8bea-8751b8fb1f82Post:6602514b-0962-4592-ba0c-f693d37df326">Re: Why is it ok to not invite kids, but not ok to not invite both parts of a couple?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The drug dealer who has done his time is not that impressive of a threat to your guests</strong>.  If your FI truly doesn't care if his sister comes, then don't invite her, and problem is solved (you may open a whole new set of problems, but that's a different story).  By saying her husband is not welcome, you really are saying the FSIL is not welcome.  If this is the case, don't invite either of them and deal with the consequences.  If FSIL is welcome, her husband must be too.  You're trying to have it both ways here, and you can't.
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  Not to say it isn't a big deal, but it isn't something that is going to have any effect on your wedding.  If your sister and other guests want to be judgmental and gossip about it, that just reflects badly on them.  </div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

You're really judgy. Why on earth would your MOH feel uncomfortable around him unless you've been badmouthing him to her? i'm assuming he didn't commit a crime against her. Also, you're about to be PART OF HIS FAMILY through your husband. Probably not a good idea to alienate them.

StacyJenniges

First of all, that is so cute that you rescued those kittens!  After finding out what your FSIL's husband was in prison for, I would repeat to talk it over with your fiance's family. 

I personally would be a little weary to invite a known drug dealer (I think you said he is still dealing) to my wedding.  I think talking with your future in-laws about this because I'm sure they have an opinion on the situation is the best thing to do. 

Milsey32

Sooooo you're worried he's going to be dealing to kids? 

Eh, it's better if it's someone you know than someone you don't... 

(KIDDING)

Habs2Hart

The man who once ran one of the biggest drug cartels in the world is invited to our wedding.  People change. 

emmmbeee

I disagree with most PPs.  If it will make you uncomfortable to have him at the wedding, then have your FI or FMIL have a conversation with FSIL and let her know that because of the fact that you don't know him and that he just got out of jail, you don't feel comfortable with her bringing him but that she is still welcome to come alone.  I think sometimes people try to bend etiquette rules to fit into situations that just don't require proper etiquette.  It's not normal to be an ex-con (if incarceration was warranted) so you shouldn't be expected to treat them by "normal" etiquette rules.  It is unfortunate that you aren't closer to FSIL and that you haven't had the opportunity to get to know her husband; maybe that would change your opinion of him.  It may be a bit judgemental to excludde him but your wedding day isn't the day to test out your charity.  Maybe if you were having a backyard BBQ or something like that.

But hey, that's coming from someone who isn't inviting her own sister to her wedding.

EDIT:  I just went back and read the post where OP gave the reason for incarceration and that seems like good enough reason to me.  Especially if it's suspected that he's still dealing.  If he deals drugs he could be capable of a lot more, including doing drugs.  No one wants someone strung out at their wedding.  My sister isn't invited to my wedding because she's a drug addict that also sells.  After dealing with her firsthand, ruining Christmas and birthday parties that she showed up to high, I won't invite her to another event until I know that she's clean and rehabilitated.

You have to consider that this is a unique situation.  It's not like OP is saying she just doesn't like FSIL's husband who, to everyone else, is a normal, committed husband.