Wedding gifts for Destination Wedding

alexandrasgarden

We are getting married in Hawaii in 17 days, we invited approximately 100 people. We knew that not all 100 people would go, but in researching the etiquette for Destination Weddings and invites, it stated to send them to all guests who you would like to be there. "Don't try to decide who will or won't come".

About 3/4 of the guests returned their RSVP's, but the odd thing is that no one has sent any gifts. Not to sound "snarky" but...... wouldn't the guests at least that are not coming send a gift to wish us well? We have about 40 people coming to the wedding, and I woulddn't expect those guests to buy a gift as they are spending so much to travel for the wedding. I also realize that it is not an obligation of a guest to send a gift but, a way to extend their "good wishes" to the bride and groom.

We registered at three different stores that have availability to shop on line, and it is posted on our wedding website. Just wondering if I am missing something as no one has sent or purchased a single gift  from our registries. Is this common with Destination Weddings?

twilight.rose

You come across as very gift-grabby. Personally, I wouldn't expect to receive gifts with RSVPs.

In my circle, most people give cash, and it's normal to receive wedding gifts 2 weeks to a month after the wedding if people opt to have boxed gifts shipped to you, etc.

I wouldn't even consider gifts/thank yous until after your wedding has taken place. There's no reason for people to send you a card/gift with their RSVP. It doesn't make sense to essentially congratulate you for an event that hasn't taken place.

Calypso1977

i personally always send a gift if i'm invited and cant go.

if i spend $$ to attend a DW, i usually wont give a gift.  call me cheap, but DW's are a HUGE inconvenience.

some will tell you that you have a year to give a gift, but that its a very common myth.  so, some might send gifts later, or not at all.  times are tough with folks getting laid off, etc.

sclams

You claim that you want gifts as a way for guests to "wish you well"- but would you be equally happy if every one of your guests sent you a letter full of good wishes, and no gift? It's fine to want presents- I think deep down, most of us do/did- but don't try to act like it's just for sentiment's sake.

Personally, if I were invited and unable to travel to the wedding, I would probably wait to send a gift until afterwards, so that you wouldn't have to worry about packages piling up while you're away. Wait and see what happens when you're back from your wedding.

bellebride116

Maybe they are waiting to send gifts until after the wedding? We had a destination wedding, and like you, we invited everyone we would have if we had a local wedding. 

We actually had a lot of people come and still give gifts. But, most of those who didn't come DID send us something. We got a few gifts post-wedding, but mostly everything we got was either WITH their RSVP or pre-wedding.

Did you have a shower? Some people only gave at the shower, and others gave for both. 

I do think it's weird that your "nos" aren't sending something... are you very close with them? We had a lot of "yes's" and most of our "no's" were super upset they couldn't make it, but we were close with a lot of them still sent gifts. It was really sweet of them. 

tpender13

This does come off as gift-grabby. And I agree w/PP, they're probably spending a lot to come to your wedding and may not be planning on getting you a gift. Or maybe they're bringing cash or a gift card, so they don't have to send something.

The one destination wedding I've been to was for my best friend and her H a few years ago. I got them one of the cheesy posed pictures they had taken with their son that actually turned out really cute, and got it put in a frame for them. Maybe people will try to do stuff like that.

pinkpinot

I'm another DW bride!  I think since a DW is a bit of a pain for guests to attend that maybe they don't treat it the same as a more traditional wedding.  We haven't received any gifts from guests who have RSVP'd no, which is fine I wasn't planning a wedding around the gifts I'd receive. 

LuluP82

I do think it's weird you haven't gotten ANY gifts.

We are having a semi-destination thing-- it's where we live, but no one else lives here. We've had about half and half accept and decline to date, and have gotten boxed gifts from both "yes" and "no" RSVPs. From the people who I assumed would give cash as a gift (just due to local custom) and RSVPd no, I did get a check in the RSVP. We did not put our registry info anywhere, because it's a purely religious ceremony (we were legally married a few months ago) but the people who asked my parents or his parents have gotten the info, and sent us presents.

I'm not sure why you're not getting any gifts. Perhaps your guests viewed the invite to Hawaii as a gift grab and got turned off by it?

vallyhoo

I bet putting registry inserts in the invitations would have helped avoid this situation.

stinkerbell6879

I had a DW and I did not expect a lot of gifts since people were traveling, and because of a smaller guest list. We did receive a few, mainly cards w/checks and a few boxed gifts AFTER the wedding. Unfortunately w/ DW you have people who look down on it because of the travel factor, which I feel is unfair. IMO. Especially since no matter what people were going to have to travel a few hours not matter what since we all live at least 2-4hrs. away from most of our family.

squirrly

I think it's a bit odd that you've not gotten any gifts.  However, I also think it's pretty rare for people to send gifts if they decline the invitation to a wedding.  So, in that respect, I'm not THAT surprised. 

There are also a lot of people who don't like to give wedding gifts before the actual wedding, regardless of the etiquette of it being most appropriate to send them early.  So, you might have things change.  We got married in May and just got a gift on Tuesday. 

alexandrasgarden

Thanks ladies, I appreciate all the responses.

The actual reason this was posted is because I have a friend who is getting married the same weekend in Hawaii, with the same amount of guests attending and invited; and was asking how many gifts we had received, because she had already received quite a few, so thought is was weird. Obviously, can't ask friends there input on this as it would inappropriate. So the blog was a good resource.

My fiance and I absolutely do not expect our friends that are flying to Hawaii to buy us anything "their gift to us" is sharing in our special day; and our time in Hawaii with all of them, will be amazing.

Really was just wondering if it was common with DW - gifts or no gifts the day will be amazing and we'll share all the of the special moments with our friends who could'nt attend.

Best of wishes to you all in your new married lives:)

Calypso1977

Unfortunately w/ DW you have people who look down on it because of the travel factor, which I feel is unfair. IMO. Especially since no matter what people were going to have to travel a few hours not matter what since we all live at least 2-4hrs. away from most of our family.

well, there is a HUGE difference between getting in my car and driving a few hours to a wedding and being able to do the trip all in one day or at the most, only needing one night in a hotel and a true "DW" that is in some exotic location not home to the bride or groom or their families, where 100% of the guests have to fly and stay most likely 2 nights, maybe even 3 nights.

stinkerbell6879

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-gifts-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5838153-aa79-4e47-8814-72d83dd4ebcfPost:81749ffa-b291-477d-a63c-83548fa596a0">Re: Wedding gifts for Destination Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunately w/ DW you have people who look down on it because of the travel factor, which I feel is unfair. IMO. Especially since no matter what people were going to have to travel a few hours not matter what since we all live at least 2-4hrs. away from most of our family. well, there is a HUGE difference between getting in my car and driving a few hours to a wedding and being able to do the trip all in one day or at the most, only needing one night in a hotel and a true "DW" that is in some exotic location not home to the bride or groom or their families, where 100% of the guests have to fly and stay most likely 2 nights, maybe even 3 nights.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
True. I unfortunately still had the same reaction and most only HAD to stay one night and drive only 3-4hrs. (CA to Vegas). Only 2 couples HAD to fly and no matter where the wedding was that would have been the case. But I see your point.

quotequeen

How close are you to these people who are not attending?  Some people just don't give gifts if they're not attending, but some people might be annoyed that they were even invited.  If I were invited to the wedding of somebody I wasn't all that close to and it was in Hawaii, I would probably roll my eyes a little and might be less inclined to send a gift than I would be if I'd been invited someplace I might conceivably actually go for that level of relationship.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-gifts-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5838153-aa79-4e47-8814-72d83dd4ebcfPost:bc1244c4-1e46-4343-9169-0bacc74b1bb9">Re: Wedding gifts for Destination Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]How close are you to these people who are not attending?  Some people just don't give gifts if they're not attending, but some people might be annoyed that they were even invited.  If I were invited to the wedding of somebody I wasn't all that close to and it was in Hawaii, I would probably roll my eyes a little and might be less inclined to send a gift than I would be if I'd been invited someplace I might conceivably actually go for that level of relationship.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

Great point. I'd feel the same way.

My sister just got a save the date from a random sorority sister for a wedding in the caribbean next year. She's rolling her eyes-- she feels like the girl just invited everyone, since she knows not everyone will go.And the impression it gives is you just want a gift.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-gifts-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5838153-aa79-4e47-8814-72d83dd4ebcfPost:3c222c1c-c0d7-43ed-a83a-8677645d0324">Re: Wedding gifts for Destination Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's a bit odd that you've not gotten any gifts.  However, I also think it's pretty rare for people to send gifts if they decline the invitation to a wedding.  So, in that respect, I'm not THAT surprised.  There are also a lot of people who don't like to give wedding gifts before the actual wedding, regardless of the etiquette of it being most appropriate to send them early.  So, you might have things change.  We got married in May and just got a gift on Tuesday. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

That pretty much says everything I was going to say. 

For some people it's a given to send a wedding gift even if they decline the invitation, but for others it's not, so I guess it just depends on what the norm is for your family and friends. 

marissa_claire

Yeah you really don't have any reason to think that they would send gifts.  Who the heck cares?  You should be more disappointed they can't be there on your special day.  

I realize some people, out of the goodness of their heart, will send a wedding gift even if they can't make it, but there's no reason to expect they will.