Wedding Etiquette Forum

Need Advice on Menu Selection - Disagreement with future inlaws

Hello,

My fiance's dad and stepmom are contributing a good bit towards our wedding; however, we are also putting in a lot of money (we are matching them) and my parents are also contributing a little bit as well.

My fiance and I are considering NOT offering filet as a menu option and instead offering guests the option of chicken, pork tenderloin (or salmon), a vegetarian pasta, and then a kids plate for children.  (Originally it was going to be between chicken, filet, and the veggie plate). 

I understand filet is wonderful and a lot of guests may select it but, it is a significant cost saving to us to offer the pork tenderloin or salmon instead.  The inlaws; however, say they are not comfortable removing filet as an option because they feel guests expectations will not be met.

I disagree, I think we have plenty of options available to meet everyone's tastes.  Plus the money we save can help us keep from going over budget and also allow us the opportunity to do other things for our day that we cant do otherwise.

What are your thoughts?  How should I approach this? 

Re: Need Advice on Menu Selection - Disagreement with future inlaws

  • I think it's fine not to offer filet. It isn't like that is the end all be all of dinner choices. Pork and salmon are both very good options.

    And just tell them that the pork tenderloin is the filet of a pig and maybe they'll get over it. 
  • I think it would be fine not to offer filet, but if your FI's parents are helping to pay then that money comes with strings.  They get a say in how that money is spent.
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  • Are your in-laws aware of the cost considerations of going with pork or fish instead of steak?  Maybe if you told them the specific reason for wanting to change the menu (improved cocktail hour, etc.), they'd understand better? 

    Now, if you know that a significant portion of your guests can't eat pork or would strongly prefer filet over salmon, I'd go with what makes your guests happiest.  Also, if you are cutting at your food budget for something the guests won't care about (eg a limo or chair covers), I would agree with your FILs.
  • I agree with you that the filet is unnecessary -- pork and salmon aren't universally liked, but having a chicken dish should take care of any concerns there.

    That said, it's hard to say without knowing your exact budget and how things are playing out, but I don't think this is a hill i would die on. If the Future ILs really want the filet, I'd let them have the darn filet.
    Lizzie
  • As a guest to a wedding, I never have any expectation of what food will be served...I go with an open mind and tummy (LOL) and just eat what is offered.  Never once did I go to a wedding a complain that filet wasn't offered.

    I agree that you have a great assortment of options for your guests without cutting corners.

    Since your FI and you and his parents are contributing the same amount of money I would start portioning that money off and say what it is going to cover.  This way, if the money they are giving covers the DJ, flowers, and cake then they have a say over those things, but if your money covers food, drinks, and officiant then you have say over those items.

    I would take a small break from discussing this with your FILs for a week or two and then once it has cooled down, sit down and discuss it again.  Tell them your feelings on why the filet is not absolutely necessary and that the mix you have allows great choices for all your guests.  If they still insist on the filet then I guess a portion of their money will cover the food budget.

  • If you can eliminate some things that the guests aren't really going to care about (chair covers, go for less expensive flowers/centerpieces), then I would offer filet to keep the peace with your in laws, although I disagree with their rationale. 

    If there are more guest-centric things that you'd rather spend the money on--alcohol, appetizers, etc.--then I would present it to your in laws that way (and have your FI help talk with them). 
  • Have you done your tastings yet? If not, a decision might become more clear when you do. Also, is this a decision you need to make right now or can you table it for later?

    I assume you've really crunched the numbers, but have you put it in concrete terms? For example, if we have filet, we can't afford the x or have to downscale the y.

    I do get where your ILs are coming from in that I think filet is the "nicest" option you could offer. But I also think chicken and salmon, for example, is fine. Also, is there another, less expensive, beef option that might work? Do they have prime rib for less maybe?

    If you can, I'd try to step back from making this decision right now, give it some time, and it's entirely possible the answer will become more clear as you line up other vendors and see prices for other aspects of the wedding.
  • I agree with others who say that the filet is a better option for food, however, if it means upgrading things for the guests, not for yourself, then I'd say go for it with the chicken and fish and veg dish. 

    Things that would benefit the guests - Better food, better booze, better entertainment. 

    Anything other than that, I would keep the filet. 
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  • What if the "beef" selection was a london broil that was passed on a platter along with pasta? Those are usually very cheap add ons. So your guests would select either chicken, fish or vegetarian and then the platters of beef and pasta would be passed.
  • We had chicken and pork and everyone seemed to enjoy those options.

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  • We were originally going with filet, chicken and vegetarian meals.  When we broke down the food budget, we realized how much was going towards the filet option.  75% of our guests would pick the filet, and it was double the chicken entree.  We realized we'd have to cut corners in places we weren't comfortable cutting.  We were already doing inexpensive centerpieces, invites, cupcakes, etc, so there wasn't really a place to cut.  I wouldn't cut from the bar, so we changed to chicken, salmon and vegetarian entrees. The salmon and the chicken are only a dollar apart price wise, and ends up being more of a 50-50 split with people choosing the entrees.  It freed up a lot of the budget, and we can have (what we think) is a better reception.

    My dad was not happy with us cutting the filet but at the time we cut it, he and my mom weren't contributing to the wedding.  Now, they are financially helping, and he wanted to add it back in.  I walked him through the numbers, and let him choose.  Add in steak, or cut other items? His choice, he was helping to pay, he gets a major say.  He moved past the steak, upped the guest list and asked for more wine on the tables and more food at cocktail hour.  Done deal! The numbers convinced him, though.  If you show your FILs the numbers maybe it will help?
  • Thanks for all the input, everyone.  This is very helpful.  I've talked a good bit with the FI and we're going to see how things go in other areas over the next few weeks and come back to the menu with  his parents then.  We have laid out a solid budget and eliminating the filet allows us to offer better cocktail hour appetizers, favors, etc that we will not be able to provide if we keep filet.  I've kept everything to the absolute bare minimum other than our photographer, where I didn't cut corners...that was both me and my FI number one priority...we can't redo pictures.  The difference in the filet and salmon is $9 a plate...and they charge by the most expensive entree..so even if 50% ordered chicken or veggie...100% would be charged the filet price.  We love the venue so much but that's a difficult pill to swallow.  Changing to salmon is saving anywhere from $1,500-$2,000...gives us so much room to breathe!

    Thanks again for all of your advice!  I'm sure it will all work out.
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