Officiant Drama

NikishaMcFall

I'm about to rip my hair out, and wanted to see what you ladies thought about this circumstance and the correct thing to do.  I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I live in AZ, but we're getting married in VA, where my father lives.  We wanted a good friend of ours to marry us, and he lives in OH. 

After the go around from a million different people at the Court of Clerks in the county we're getting married in I have been told that our friend is not allowed to marry us because he is not a minister with a "real" church (ULC is not recognized).  There is a civil servant option, but you have to reside in that county, which he does not.  I really do not want to go with a random person, espcially now that we've planned everything out with our friend.

I was told that my only option if I want my friend to perform the ceremony is to get legally married either before or after with a legal representative of the state have the ceremony seperatly, but it won't be a marriage.  Isn't this basically lying to our guests? 

So it's either that, or get some random person that we don't know.  Thoughts?

TIA

Maggie0829

What about hiring an officiant who can legally perform the vow portion of the ceremony and sign the marriage license to work with your Father's friend?

Your father's friend can start out the ceremony by saying a little prayer, and talking about you two as a couple.  Then when it is time to do the vows, the other officiant can take over.

When you start looking for an officiant in the area tell him how you had wanted to have your father's friend officiate but due to the legal restrictions it wasn't possible.  Let the new officiant know that you still would like your father's friend involved in the ceremony.  I am sure the officiant could give you some ideas of how that can happen.

courtski2004

I agree with Maggie, just get a co-officiant. Your father's friend can still do readings/ a sermon/any other part of the ceremony, just not the actual vows.

GoodLuckBear14

Have co-officiants.

My brother and SIL were legally married two days after their "wedding" where a friend was the "officiant".  Still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

TKzilla

IMHO, the person who pronounces you as a married couple doesn't really have to be a close friend. Have your friend do some readings, write your own vows if you can/want. But what's really important here is the vows you say to each other - not who presides over the ceremony Good luck! Where in VA are you getting married?

NikishaMcFall

Thanks for all the input ladies. I think we'll look into the coofficiant and just have him say the parts he has to. We are getting married Marshall Virginia.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_officiant-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8289ee9-7264-4f72-816b-cf4cd89e7c50Post:4e764df5-ffd2-4a90-b920-c2e66b1d79c0">Re: Officiant Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]IMHO, the person who pronounces you as a married couple doesn't really have to be a close friend. Have your friend do some readings, write your own vows if you can/want. But what's really important here is the vows you say to each other - not who presides over the ceremony :) Good luck! Where in VA are you getting married?
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

I have to disagree with this.  H and I had a close friend officiate our ceremony.  Yes, the vows are important, but so was what our friend said during our ceremony.  This person had known us as a couple for over 9 years by the time we were married.  He knew of the struggles and the ups and the downs and the losses because he had been a part of it.  He was able to give such a lovely sermon about us as a couple that a stranger would not have been able to do.  It was more personal and heartfelt.  Honestly his words were just as important to us as our vows were.

TheBaysideBride

Hi - Could the "real" officiant just sign the marriage license later, like during the reception?We have a similar issue w/ our interfaith wedding. We're signing the licenses and Ketubah the night before before sunset, so "technically" we'll already be married during the ceremony (starts before sunset, so we'd have to wait until 8 p.m. saturday to sign the ketubah if we didn't do it the day before"). blah blah it literally has taken 3 months to work out. but, it's worked out.

Don't worry about your guests, it's not "lying" - the ceremony is important to you, and you should have the person that feels special to you perform the ceremony. 

I know there are people who disagree but to me it's like when your bday falls on a wednesday and you celebrate on friday - no one is like DON"T SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY< HER BIRTHDAY WAS 48 HOURS AGO! they're not coming to watch you sign the paper, they're coming to part of the ceremonial uniting of you two. 

wow, imagine how much easier it would be to plan if what they really wanted was to watch the official document signing.....  good luck!! 

RWolff

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_officiant-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8289ee9-7264-4f72-816b-cf4cd89e7c50Post:1cffd1bd-bea8-4eb6-92c2-c3fda720256b">Re: Officiant Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Have co-officiants. My brother and SIL were legally married two days after their "wedding" where a friend was the "officiant".  Still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what my FBIL and his FI are doing, and it's very irksome. They are doing a JOP, then having all the close family and friends fly out to their destination "wedding" because that area is "too expensive" to get married. </div><div>
</div><div>I believe that there are certain very specific circumstances in which having the legal part and the big wedding separate are acceptable (illness, legal issues with same-sex couples, some military situations). I really don't count mild inconvenience in this short list.</div>

NikishaMcFall

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_officiant-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8289ee9-7264-4f72-816b-cf4cd89e7c50Post:fe0401d3-6175-4b9b-ab15-f239c30a2289">Re: Officiant Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Officiant Drama : I have to disagree with this.  H and I had a close friend officiate our ceremony.  Yes, the vows are important, but so was what our friend said during our ceremony.  This person had known us as a couple for over 9 years by the time we were married.  He knew of the struggles and the ups and the downs and the losses because he had been a part of it.  He was able to give such a lovely sermon about us as a couple that a stranger would not have been able to do.  It was more personal and heartfelt.  Honestly his words were just as important to us as our vows were.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

This is exactly why we chose our friend as well.  Thank you.

And Bayside - your post made me crack up, and you're probably right.  I think I need to do some research and find out what exactly the "official" person has to do in order to make it a legal marriage.  From there, they can just do those parts and my friend can do the rest.

I really appreciate everybody's opinions and advice.  Thanks a lot.

GoodLuckBear14

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_officiant-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a8289ee9-7264-4f72-816b-cf4cd89e7c50Post:55749a7c-0fd6-49b9-861b-5a29dd95d099">Re: Officiant Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi - Could the "real" officiant just sign the marriage license later, like during the reception?We have a similar issue w/ our interfaith wedding. We're signing the licenses and Ketubah the night before before sunset, so "technically" we'll already be married during the ceremony (starts before sunset, so we'd have to wait until 8 p.m. saturday to sign the ketubah if we didn't do it the day before"). blah blah it literally has taken 3 months to work out. but, it's worked out.<strong> Don't worry about your guests, it's not "lying"</strong>- the ceremony is important to you, and you should have the person that feels special to you perform the ceremony.  I know there are people who disagree but to me it's like when your bday falls on a wednesday and you celebrate on friday - no one is like DON"T SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY< HER BIRTHDAY WAS 48 HOURS AGO! they're not coming to watch you sign the paper, they're coming to part of the ceremonial uniting of you two.  wow, imagine how much easier it would be to plan if what they really wanted was to watch the official document signing..... :) good luck!! 
Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]

Like hell it isn't.  If you are not actually witnessing the legal ceremony it is absolutely lying because it is just a play that people are witnessing when they are led to believe they are witnessing a wedding.</div>

TheBaysideBride

Well, Good Luck, I hate to tell you but if you've gone to a Jewish wedding you've probably been lied to. Most couples sign the ketubah and the marriage license before or after the ceremony (and lately all the weddings i've been to have done it before), in the presence of just close friends/family. That's what makes the marriage official religiously and legally. Not the part where you stand up in front of those who love you and exchange vows.

Although maybe we'll add a disclaimer to our program to alert our guests that we signed all necessary documents the night before, so it's the full disclosure one expects from a wedding.

DMoore421

In NC it is kind of the same way... And really only becomes an issue down the line if either of us challenges the marriage validity. I was told when I called that if we didn't want to risk that to do a civil ceremony before the ceremony or just have someone else sign the certificate but that we can use whoever my brother in law from out of state PA is performing out ceremony with his online thing the clerk of courts said as long as its signed no one will ask questions as they don't review everyone's certificate ...but if someone were to challenge it in the future it could be deemed not valid