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RSVP question

twohollydaystwohollydays member
100 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

If the deadline passes and Ive already given the final number to the cater and I have a very late responder can I say "no the final numbers are in?"

Im asking because Im going to upgrade if my numbers are low and I will have everything paid in advance so a late responder will mean that I will have to contact the caterer and add the guest and then fork over the extras with the upgrade. 

Also what is the proper etiquette when I a wife/husband tells me in advance the SO wont be coming (deployed, unable to take day off of work, another engagement). Can I address the invite to only the spouse? The spouse knows others at the wedding and I was going to do a seating chart. I also typically introduce friends with similar interests at events so I dont allow any wallflowers! 

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Re: RSVP question

  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:8dcff000-861c-4a55-a8b4-3fe9c02d88d1">RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]If the deadline passes and Ive already given the final number to the cater and I have a very late responder can I say "no the final numbers are in?" Im asking because Im going to upgrade if my numbers are low and I will have everything paid in advance so a late responder will mean that I will have to contact the caterer and add the guest and then fork over the extras with the upgrade.  Also what is the proper etiquette when I a wife/husband tells me in advance the SO wont be coming (deployed, unable to take day off of work, another engagement). Can I address the invite to only the spouse? The spouse knows others at the wedding and I was going to do a seating chart. I also typically introduce friends with similar interests at events so I dont allow any wallflowers! 
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Good lord, I hope your deadline hasn't passed if your wedding is in September.</div><div>
    </div><div>Before you give the final number to your caterer, you make those calls to people who haven't responded, and say "we need a response by x date or we will have to mark you down as unable to attend."  </div><div>
    </div><div>Even if they tell you they aren't coming, you still send the invite, addressed to both of them.  Plans change all the time. especially deployments.

    </div>
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  • NotColloquialNotColloquial
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:2a035271-28f6-4450-8a43-6b2bcae572e4">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, when the deadline passes, you need to call people if you haven't received their RSVP card to see if they are coming.  Hopefully, that will avoid the situation you describe.  But yes, once your numbers are in, you can say "I'm sorry" to anyone who would call and ask to come. I'd still address it to both of them.  Plans change and the SO may be able to attend after all.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.
    image
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  • LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Ditto MilkDuds... 
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  • Brandiewine11Brandiewine11 member
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:c87df026-fe5b-4be0-a8eb-1fd0c9772305">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to RSVP question : Good lord, I hope your deadline hasn't passed if your wedding is in September. Before you give the final number to your caterer, you make those calls to people who haven't responded, and say "we need a response by x date or we will have to mark you down as unable to attend."   Even if they tell you they aren't coming, you still send the invite, addressed to both of them.  Plans change all the time. especially deployments.
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    <div>Exactly this.</div>
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  • squirrlysquirrly member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    When the deadline passes, wait a couple of days and contact people who didn't respond.  Go with that number for your caterer. 

    Address the invite to the entire couple.  You can include a note, if you like, saying you hope that things have changed and the SO will be able to make it, but it's not necessary.  It isn't really proper to exclude the SO, though, regardless of what they've told you in advance. 
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  • twohollydaystwohollydays member
    100 Comments
    i would feel more comfortable if they called if the plans changed and asked if the spouse could come. 
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  • crash2729crash2729 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:0694e780-3dca-404b-b147-a67fe6a1c3ac">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]i would feel more comfortable if they called if the plans changed and asked if the spouse could come. 
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    <div>Why don't you just want to send the invite to both?</div><div>
    </div><div>They should have to ask if their SO can still come, you basically already invited them, and even if he said no plans might have changed, but your original invitation still stands.</div>
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  • NotColloquialNotColloquial
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:0694e780-3dca-404b-b147-a67fe6a1c3ac">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]i would feel more comfortable if they called if the plans changed and asked if the spouse could come. 
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    Seriously? That's kind of silly. If FI said,  "Oh, by the way, that business trip got moved to the 11th, not the 7th," the last thing on my mind is to call you and let you know that your invite should be addressed to both of us.
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  • twohollydaystwohollydays member
    100 Comments
    Well if his plans changed at the last minute my deadline has already passed so it's too late any way. It'll be fine. Our people are laid back so they wont be upset about it. 
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  • crash2729crash2729 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:fa3ba8b7-6e38-4ed9-a6af-9321533b5684">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well if his plans changed at the last minute my deadline has already passed so it's too late any way. It'll be fine. Our people are laid back so they wont be upset about it. 
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    <div>How you address the invitation and your RSVP deadline are independent of each other. </div><div>I'd be upset if we were invited somewhere as a couple, and then all of a sudden it was just me or FI that was invited...</div>
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  • NotColloquialNotColloquial
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:fa3ba8b7-6e38-4ed9-a6af-9321533b5684">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well if his plans changed at the last minute my deadline has already passed so it's too late any way. It'll be fine. Our people are laid back so they wont be upset about it. 
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    You said they <strong>already </strong>told you that the spouse couldn't make it. You are talking about how to address the invite. Meaning the deadline hasn't passed.

    And don't assume people are laid back and wouldn't be upset. I'm a chill person, but I wouldn't come to your September wedding if you already made up your mind FI wasn't invited.
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  • opalsky007opalsky007 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    I would suggest you take a clue from the rest of your crowd and be more laid back about this.

    Address invitations to the people you would like to have at your wedding. If they can come, great. If not, make the upgrades. This really doesn't have to be this hard.
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  • millkn2millkn2 member
    10 Comments
    IMO, you should not invite only one spouse. They are a social unit, both should be invited.
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  • twohollydaystwohollydays member
    100 Comments
    My major concern would be a guest bringing another person in that slot who I didnt invite. That is the reason I was going to address it to the one spouse. 
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:fa3ba8b7-6e38-4ed9-a6af-9321533b5684">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well if his plans changed at the last minute my deadline has already passed so it's too late any way. It'll be fine. Our people are laid back so they wont be upset about it. 
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    <div>Funny how your guests are so laid back, but you've been freaking out for months about the proper etiquette so you don't offend them.</div><div>
    </div><div>Honestly, it's incredibly rude of you to say that they can call you if their plans changed.  You told them they were invited, so that means they are invited.  </div>
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  • opalsky007opalsky007 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:674563fb-09ed-4bed-945f-22f1c6dbad66">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]My major concern would be a guest bringing another person in that slot who I didnt invite. That is the reason I was going to address it to the one spouse. 
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    <div>That would be rude of them, and you would be within your rights to point out that you didn't invite that person.</div>
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:30718b5d-c081-42a8-a046-78aefa65e7a6">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP question : If you address it to Mr. and Mrs. X, that means those two are invited. If they RSVP back with a random, you call and tell them "sorry, but the invitation was just for you and X."
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto.  And if you're so concerned with that happening, then take the time to fill out the RSVP cards so they read:</div><div>
    </div><div>Mr. John Doe  ___ chicken  ____ steak  ____ decilnes</div><div>Mrs. Jane Doe  ____  chicken ____ steak   ____ declines</div>
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  • twohollydaystwohollydays member
    100 Comments

    IloveMilkDuds 

    That too me is more ackward. I mean my guest felt he or she had an open slot to invite another person. Asks the person to accompany him/her and then I call and say "the invite was for you and your spouse" 

     

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  • opalsky007opalsky007 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:46313882-b4a1-4c62-8586-610f95f8358b">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]IloveMilkDuds  That too me is more ackward. I mean my guest felt he or she had an open slot to invite another person. Asks the person to accompany him/her and then I call and say "the invite was for you and your spouse"   
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    <div>But it's proper etiquette.</div><div>
    </div><div>And we're still talking about hypotheticals here. This hasn't happened, and shouldn't happen for another 3+ months.</div>
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    Miss Mrs.
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  • twohollydaystwohollydays member
    100 Comments

    Well then my question was answered.

    1. yes I can refuse to accomodate late responders

    2. I cannot address an invite to one spouse.

    Interestingly enough although it is months away. The issue came up today as a guest was asking my a question about the event. 

    Thanks ladies. Tough crowd. Wow.

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  • NotColloquialNotColloquial
    100 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:46313882-b4a1-4c62-8586-610f95f8358b">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]IloveMilkDuds  That too me is more ackward. I mean my guest felt he or she had an open slot to invite another person. Asks the person to accompany him/her and then I call and say "the invite was for you and your spouse"   
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    Holy English Batman.

    So this hasn't happened yet, and yet you are planning like it has. Just calm down. I'm going to go ahead and assume that if you are posting on the etiquette board, you care about what the proper etiquette for the situation is. Milkduds is right, this is what you should do. It would be rude to invite someone without their spouse (or anyone without their girlfriend/ boyfriend/ any kind of significant other).

    Edit: Yeah, I type slowly, I know. Seems like you've got it now.
    image
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:95ba221d-9e9b-46a7-8f0e-1235bf2c8d8d">Re: RSVP question</a>:<strong>
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP question : Well, you could encounter this situation with someone who has NOT told you their SO can't attend and wants to bring someone in their place. </strong>The guest would be in the wrong. You may have to make some calls after your RSVPs come in. You can't plan (right now) for everything. 
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    <div>Exactly.  You are asking the etiquette board, and we told you the proper etiquette.  If you're just going to say "screw it" and do what you want, then stick to your cliub boards.  </div>
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  • crash2729crash2729 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:838544d8-f1f5-4d13-9cf0-2bb1e2ca3f62">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well then my question was answered. 1. yes I can refuse to accomodate late responders 2. I cannot address an invite to one spouse. Interestingly enough although it is months away. The issue came up today as a guest was asking my a question about the event.  Thanks ladies. <strong>Tough crowd. </strong>Wow.
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    <div>Why? </div><div>Because we didn't agree with your rudeness?</div>
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:838544d8-f1f5-4d13-9cf0-2bb1e2ca3f62">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well then my question was answered. 1.<strong> yes I can refuse to accomodate late responders </strong>
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    <div>Only after contacting them for a response, and giving them a deadline to respond.  If their card got lost in the mail and comes 2 days late and you say "nope sorry, too late," you're in the wrong.</div>
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  • baystateapplebaystateapple member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:838544d8-f1f5-4d13-9cf0-2bb1e2ca3f62">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well then my question was answered. 1. yes I can refuse to accomodate late responders 2. I cannot address an invite to one spouse. Interestingly enough although it is months away. The issue came up today as a guest was asking my a question about the event.  Thanks ladies. Tough crowd. Wow.
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    Actually, this was pretty tame.  None of the ladies above were rude to you.  What's the issue?
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  • twohollydaystwohollydays member
    100 Comments

    Thanks milkduds

    I always apprechiate your replies. They are objective I think. 

    Noncolloquial

    Someone is singular. So, I would be rude to invite a person without HIS/HER spouse NOT their.

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  • NotColloquialNotColloquial
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:18e4a62a-0604-4aed-b615-8224f91735db">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks milkduds I always apprechiate your replies. They are objective I think.  Noncolloquial Someone is singular. So, I would be rude to invite a person without HIS/HER spouse NOT their.
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]


    <a href="http://xkcd.com/145/" rel='nofollow'>http://xkcd.com/145/</a>

    This from the person committing grammar atrocities of relatively epic proportions
    image
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  • crash2729crash2729 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-question-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a96dcfce-7461-441f-8eac-1e8855c9c210Post:18e4a62a-0604-4aed-b615-8224f91735db">Re: RSVP question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks milkduds I always apprechiate your replies. They are objective I think.  Noncolloquial Someone is singular. So, I would be rude to invite a person without HIS/HER spouse NOT their.
    Posted by twohollydays[/QUOTE]

    <div>Really? </div><div>
    </div><div>Their is appropriate instead of his/her. It does not indicate plurality. </div><div>
    </div>
    image
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  • twohollydaystwohollydays member
    100 Comments

    Im not responding to an etiquette question. You are. 

    I can commit all the grammatical errors I want as Im not here to give help but to recieve it. 

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  • twohollydaystwohollydays member
    100 Comments

    baystateapple

    Im not really offended. I was just kidding. Im used to how things are done here. Im just joking about the tough crowd thing. 

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