Cancelled Wedding (not my own!)

AdeleDazeem

Have you ever received a wedding invitation, gave a gift beforehand, then the wedding was cancelled and you received your gift back?  (Lots of conditions there...)

A few weeks ago, a wedding that I was invited to was cancelled.  Invitations had already gone out and the bride had had her shower.  I was a guest at the shower and gave a gift.  Two weeks before the actual wedding, the entire affair was called off and the couple broke up.

I know proper etiquette says that you should return all the gifts given for the wedding.  I'm curious if anyone has actually received their gift back in real life when this happens. 

I'm not at all asking because I want my gift back.  I don't!  I'm actually a little concerned that I'm going to come home one day and it will be there.  My fiance and I have no use for it.  But, I feel like when a wedding is cancelled and your whole life falls apart, you really aren't thinking "hey!  Let's round up these gifts and send them back to the giver."

michaelandjulie2

My parents were invited to wedding of an old friend of mine, who was also our neighbor (she was my age and we were best friends until high school). I have no clue why she invited them and not me, but whatever. My parents declined the invitation and sent a gift card as a gift back with their reply card.

The wedding was cancelled about three weeks before. They got the gift card back in the mail around the time of when the actual wedding was to take place (so about three weeks after it was cancelled). It came from the girl's mother though, not the girl herself, so I don't know if that makes a difference. 

tidetravel

I would think that if I cancelled a wedding close enough to the date that I had started to receive gifts, I wouldn't want those gifts around the house as a reminder.  It's probably one of the easiest things to "fix" in one's life, at that point.

lisalou402

I went to a large engagement party once, that was as large as a wedding.  

About 2 months before the wedding, everything was called off.  This was before her shower, but I know i got her a place setting for her engagement.

She didn't send any of the gifts back, and in the end, I don't think any of us who were there and gave gifts cared.  It was sad.

Of course, she got married to someone else a mere year later, so it all worked out. (!!!)

kaederose

The only wedding I've given a gift for that was cancelled, I gave a gift that couldn't be returned.  I got them a selection of artisanal loose leaf teas, and I guarantee you some of it was drunk immediately following the wedding cancellation.  I would not have wanted, nor did I expect it back.  I do know she returned the returnables to the people who gave them, because she was going to move cross-country and didn't want it all.  She also, as PPs said, didn't want the reminders.

I will admit to some chagrin, since had I waited one more week (I bought the gift early), the wedding would have been cancelled and I wouldn't have spent the money.  However, the lady in question is a dear friend of mine and I realized she needed the gift I sent even more since she cancelled her wedding. 

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cancelled-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aad92ba5-a8c8-4a80-93ea-93605565c28fPost:f27f84b9-0295-4c8c-959a-f07badeb19f1">Re: Cancelled Wedding (not my own!)</a>:
[QUOTE]The only wedding I've given a gift for that was cancelled, I gave a gift that couldn't be returned.  I got them a selection of artisanal loose leaf teas, and I guarantee you some of it was drunk immediately following the wedding cancellation.  I would not have wanted, nor did I expect it back.  I do know she returned the returnables to the people who gave them, because she was going to move cross-country and didn't want it all.  She also, as PPs said, didn't want the reminders. I will admit to some chagrin, since had I waited one more week (I bought the gift early), the wedding would have been cancelled and I wouldn't have spent the money.  <strong>However, the lady in question is a dear friend of mine and I realized she needed the gift I sent even more since she cancelled her wedding. 
</strong>Posted by kaederose[/QUOTE]

That's very sweet and all, but if my relationship fell apart, I wouldn't be drinking tea.

mysticl

I might be drinking the tea, it would just have a bit of the Irish in it. 

The only wedding I was invited to that was canceled was when I was 5 so I don't remember what they did with the gifts.  I know they had some because I remember being at their shower (I was supposed to be the FG).

I read an article once about a woman who got engaged and had received a ton of gifts and then called it off.  The gifts were all stuff she wanted anyhow so instead of returning them she sent the givers gift cards to like StarBucks or something for the purchase amount of the gift they had sent.  It saved her the hassel and added expense of packing them up and mailing them off and the givers the hassel of trying to return them. 

Meaghann17

my sister had a friend that had a wedding cancelled and my sister had given a shower gift but not a wedding gift.
 
the gift was returned but it had clearly been used.. my sister got them a cocktail shaker and set of 4 glasses off their registry. the cocktail shaker was not in any original packaging and looked used (washed, but streaky it was stainless steel). the glasses had a film on them that looked like it was from dishwashing powder :S

i would say that i would rather not receive the gift back from a shower of a cancelled wedding rather than get stuff that can't be returned to the store back. my sister had just been married herself and had plently of glasses, and had also received a cocktail shaker. and its not like she could regift them or anything!

she ended up giving it to our sister for her college apartment.

my parents sent money as a gift to a wedding they couldnt attend. the cheque was cashed, the wedding was cancelled. about 2 weeks later the MOB sent them a cheque for the amount. I think she was probably helping her daughter sort out the mess.

not a process i wish on anyone!

weddingbells2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cancelled-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aad92ba5-a8c8-4a80-93ea-93605565c28fPost:00166009-3b84-4153-ba40-0aa3ec4ab4f5">Re: Cancelled Wedding (not my own!)</a>:
[QUOTE]my sister had a friend that had a wedding cancelled and my sister had given a shower gift but not a wedding gift.   th<strong>e gift was returned but it had clearly been used.. my sister got them a cocktail shaker and set of 4 glasses off their registry. the cocktail shaker was not in any original packaging and looked used (washed, but streaky it was stainless steel). the glasses had a film on them that looked like it was from dishwashing powder :</strong>S [/QUOTE]

<div>That is exactly why you're not supposed to use gifts until after the wedding.  1), you can't return a used gift! and 2), it's bad luck!</div>

squirrly

I cancelled my first wedding, and didn't send a single gift back.

But, I also hadn't gotten any, so that made it a lot easier, and much more etiquette appropriate.   

We got a washer/dryer set from his parents as graduation/engagement gifts, and he took them when he moved out. 

Had we gotten gifts, I would have returned them, but it probably would have taken me a few weeks/month to do so.  First focus was getting him moved out and filling in the gaps in the apartment of what I needed.  Second focus was cancelling vendors.  Third focus would have been gifts. 

lkm2006

I've been to a shower for someone who ended up cancelling the wedding.  I didn't get the gift back though. 

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cancelled-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aad92ba5-a8c8-4a80-93ea-93605565c28fPost:6762b4fd-a308-43fc-b27b-191a91fc3f50">Re: Cancelled Wedding (not my own!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cancelled Wedding (not my own!) : That's very sweet and all, but if my relationship fell apart, I wouldn't be drinking tea.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

I would. Tea has a remarkably calming emotional effect on me.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cancelled-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aad92ba5-a8c8-4a80-93ea-93605565c28fPost:6762b4fd-a308-43fc-b27b-191a91fc3f50">Re: Cancelled Wedding (not my own!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cancelled Wedding (not my own!) : That's very sweet and all, but if my relationship fell apart, I wouldn't be drinking tea.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly!  Unless it was iced tea with vodka in it. 

The only wedding I've known to be called off was done a year before the wedding was scheduled for.  It was a friend of mine, and his FI broke it off.  They had already put their non-refundable deposit down on their venue, which was the same place as my wedding, so I was tempted to ask the venue to move their deposit to my balance!  Haha, I wish.

I understand thats why they say though you shouldn't open or use any of the gifts until after the wedding.  H and I were in the middle of moving cross country anyways, so we just left everything in its original packaging in the spare bedroom.  I don't think I would really expect to get any gifts back if I had given any and it was called off though. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cancelled-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aad92ba5-a8c8-4a80-93ea-93605565c28fPost:78499e72-89ea-460d-a80c-4a303cc26d05">Re: Cancelled Wedding (not my own!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would think that if I cancelled a wedding close enough to the date that I had started to receive gifts, I wouldn't want those gifts around the house as a reminder.  It's probably one of the easiest things to "fix" in one's life, at that point.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

<div>This. However, I'd be generous with the timeline. It might take a while to sort through the gifts and give them back, especially if they already lived together and they have a lot of other things to sort out first. </div>

AdeleDazeem

This has been an interesting read!  Thanks everyone.

It seems like most people got their stuff back.  It's been at least a month and no one has breathed a word about gifts.  I guess I'll just keep wondering what's going to happen. 

kaederose

To explain about the tea: it was always her comfort drink, and something special we both had in common, so I knew that it would be calming for her to go through the process of making it.  Something simple, mundane and centering, if you will.

One other thing I wanted to note is that as far as I've heard, it's acceptable to open/use shower gifts before you're married because they're given to you, not you and your husband.  I haven't, but if I had, I would send money or a giftcard for the value of what I got.  My mom just always told me that shower gifts are different from wedding gifts in terms of when it's ok to use them.

squirrly

Shower gifts are the same as wedding gifts.  They're given to you for your marital home.  If you don't get married, that home doesn't really exist.  Don't use 'em till the wedding. 

soontobeschooley

I've never given a gift and it cancel.  I just feel like my gift would be the least of their worries and wouldn't be upset if I didn't get it back.  But I do get the principle of the matter.

flyjawn

i have a friend who attended a wedding , gave a gift and then when the thank you card arrived,(4 weeks later) inside was a note explaining that the couple had split up and that gifts would be returned shortly.

LadyB64

One of my best friends was engaged to be married last November. Her fiance called it off three weeks before the wedding. She returned all wedding and bridal shower gifts and even wanted her ex to reimburse the guests for travel expenses that could not be refunded. (They were hosting 50 guests in Palm Springs. Most were coming from AZ, SoCal, or NorCal.)

I did not make any travel plans or purchase any gifts for the couple so I'm not exactly sure if he reimbursed anyone. I guess in the back of my mind I knew they weren't going to go through with it. He had cold feet throughout their entire engagement and tried "postponing" the wedding several times. She's so much better off without him!

NuggetBrain

A few years ago a friend of a friend of ours had to cancel her wedding less than a month before due to her FI passing away in a car accident.  It was absolutely horrible, we felt so bad for her.  We weren't invited but the mutual friend was (they were part of a group of college friends that all stayed in touch after graduation), and he said that one of the other invited college friends was actually bitching to him a few months later because she'd given the bride a gift at the bridal shower and she never got it back.