Wedding Etiquette Forum

parents bringing 'dates'

my parents are seperated but not remarried.  my mom is dating anyone nor is she even thinking about finding a date.  my dad expects to bring the woman he left my mother for...they have been in and out of a "relationship" for the past several years but I don't think its ever okay for a parents to bring someone to their child wedding.  If my parents seperated when I was a kid adn remarried since then, I'd probably be okay with my step parents being there, but only if they supported me and my marriage.

should i let my dad bring her to my wedding? she doesn't want to go becuase she supports me, she just wants to cause a scene because that's the kind of person she is (she think she and my dad are married...my parents are still married!).
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Re: parents bringing 'dates'

  • You cannot ever split up a social unit.  As long as they are in a relationship, you need to respect that and she gets an invite.  
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  • If your father is in a relationship with the woman at the time the invites go out, she should be invited. 

    If you think she is going to cause a scene, ask someone close to keep an eye on her and if she acts out, she can be asked to leave by your reception staff.  And if she does act out, it will look bad on her, not you.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2012
    I think you should elope.  ;)  Seriously, I wouldn't want anyone coming who wants to cause a "scene" at my wedding either.

    That said, if this woman is your father's SO then unfortunately she needs to be invited with your father. I'm not sure if I'd implement a total ban on parents bringing dates to their child's wedding (for non-SO relationships), but I would implement one on emotional discussions of their personal issues.  Your wedding is not the occasion for that, regardless of whether your parents are married or not and whom they are with or aren't.  I'd have a relative and/or DOC on hand to enforce that ban and head off any "scenes" if one of them, or anyone else, tries to start one.
  • In Response to Re:parents bringing 'dates':[QUOTE]You cannot ever split up a social unit. nbsp;As long as they are in a relationship, you need to respect that and she gets an invite. nbsp; Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    Her parents are still married to each other, so she isn't breaking up a social unit by not inviting her father's mistress.

    My dad's whore was not invited to my or my brother's wedding. Now that my parents' divorce is final, we do include each of their SOs in social situations.
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  • How long have the been separated?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:3b96505b-64da-4173-bff7-ca11d812309c">Re:parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:parents bringing 'dates': Her parents are still married to each other, so she isn't breaking up a social unit by not inviting her father's mistress. My dad's whore was not invited to my or my brother's wedding. Now that my parents' divorce is final, we do include each of their SOs in social situations.
    Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]

    <div>I get the impression that they've been separated for several years.  If that's true, and I were in this situation, both parents would get a plus one.  I think this is one case where social unit might transcend legality.  If the parents have no chance of getting back together, and they no longer consider themselves a social unit, that's how I would go with it.</div>
    I french with my man
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  • I can't keep up with the rule changes around here. Last time I checked, when a bride asks if each member of a separated but not yet divorced couple is invited to the wedding, we usually tell her yes unless there is abuse or something. I would think the same rule applies if someone is having an extramarital affair.
    image

  • Jen - You really seem to give awful advice.  I mean, really, why are you suggesting she elope?  That is a very personal preference and if she wanted to go that route, she wouldn't be asking this question. 
    OP: If your father and this woman are in fact in a relationship, then yes, she does need to be invited.  End of story.
    If you are concerned about her stirring up drama, ask your DOC to be on alert and if any altercation ensues, have her escorted out.
    image


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:42d8303e-f4c0-41a3-b879-7cc74174fa8b">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]While this board thinks that any SO should be invited, that is NOT what Emily Post, Peggy Post, or other leading authors on wedding etiquette say.  They say ONLY spouses, fiances and live-in partners "must" be invited.   If she wants to create a scene, do not invite her.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    here we go again...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:1e0cda66-d876-4de2-9542-ca23b8e3fdb1">Re:parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't keep up with the rule changes around here. Last time I checked, when a bride asks if each member of a separated but not yet divorced couple is invited to the wedding, we usually tell her yes unless there is abuse or something. I would think the same rule applies if someone is having an extramarital affair.
    Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]

    I view these types of things on a case-by-case basis.

       If this is a fresh, new separation I doubt I would invite the lying cheating bastard's gf (hey if she gets a title of "whore", he shouldn't get a nice title of "dad") and invite.

    If the separation is being going on for YEARS, then yeah, I would extend the invite.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I see what you guys are saying. I wouldn't fault her for not inviting her though. And I agree on titles. I usually call my father and his gf the sperm donor and the whore, so, yeah. :
    image

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:b6b0ec25-0004-46ad-8822-369f5e0f7113">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jen - You really seem to give awful advice.  I mean, really, why are you suggesting she elope?  That is a very personal preference and if she wanted to go that route, she wouldn't be asking this question.  OP: If your father and this woman are in fact in a relationship, then yes, she does need to be invited.  End of story. If you are concerned about her stirring up drama, ask your DOC to be on alert and if any altercation ensues, have her escorted out.
    Posted by LiLe422[/QUOTE]

    For crying out loud, I was not serious!  Did you read the rest of my post, after the emoticon, in which I gave <strong>exactly the same advice as you?</strong>   I didn't think so!  Read my entire posts in the future before you criticize me!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:42d8303e-f4c0-41a3-b879-7cc74174fa8b">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]While this board thinks that any SO should be invited, that is NOT what Emily Post, Peggy Post, or other leading authors on wedding etiquette say.  They say ONLY spouses, fiances and live-in partners "must" be invited.   If she wants to create a scene, do not invite her.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Some people do not live together for religious or other reasons, such as distance. That doesn't make the relationship any less serious, and despite what the Posts might say, not inviting someone's SO is rude. Social units should be invited together. Period.

    I can't imagine hurting my friend's feelings by saying, "Oh, I know you've been with Greg for three years, but you don't live together and aren't engaged, so you can't bring him to our wedding." If you want to be a twatwaffle about it, go right ahead and alienate as many people as possible. If you lose a friend over it, you can send her a copy of Emily Post's book with the appropriate section highlighted.
  • edited October 2012
    Regardless of what the wedding etiquette people say, every situation is different and needs to be evaluated as the situation it is. What would I do in this situation, I don't know, but just b/c Emily Posts says all serious SO's need to be invited, doesn't mean that's the best course of action for this scenario.

    FWIW, I have been invited to plenty of weddings by myself when I was in a serious relationship. These types of things really are at the discretion of the bride & groom. Some do it for financial reasons.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:1bc61af1-06b6-4a6c-9fb0-2a92566533d1">Re:parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:parents bringing 'dates' : I view these types of things on a case-by-case basis.    If this is a fresh, new separation I doubt I would invite the lying cheating bastard's gf (hey if she gets a title of "whore", he shouldn't get a nice title of "dad") and invite. If the separation is being going on for YEARS, then yeah, I would extend the invite.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]



    Yeah this is how I feel.
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  • are they separated but going through a very long, drawn out divorce or have divorce papers not even been filed yet?

    are you also certain that your father left your mom for this woman?  for some people, the marriage is often over long before they actually leave - so they sometimes start dating much quicker than what some would think is appropriate, thus giving an appearance of leaving for someone else.  a co-worker of mine started dating about 2 weeks after she left her husband - but i know from things she had told me that it was over for about 2 years before she actually left her husband.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:7131b078-3336-42b7-9f4b-08f54a862810">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : For crying out loud, I was not serious!  Did you read the rest of my post, in which <strong>I gave exactly the same advice as you?</strong>   I didn't think so!  Read my entire posts in the future before you criticize me!
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    With the exception of having DOC keep an eye on things, not so much.  You suggested "banning" grown adults from communicating emotional issues at the wedding.  I agree, a wedding is not the place to discuss these issues.  However, you cannot tell a grown adult what to do or say.  They should be well aware her wedding is not the time nor place.

    Please enlighten me, how exactly would you enforce this ban you suggested?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:42d8303e-f4c0-41a3-b879-7cc74174fa8b">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]While this board thinks that any SO should be invited, that is NOT what Emily Post, Peggy Post, or other leading authors on wedding etiquette say.  They say ONLY spouses, fiances and live-in partners "must" be invited.   If she wants to create a scene, do not invite her.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]



    Oh you're back?
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  • This thread is just full of bad advice.  We need some more "regs" around here with brains.  (I'm not referring to old regs who still frequent here but the new regs who have no clue).

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:66a5bdfe-8fd0-4893-b4fa-d68ad937be08">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]Regardless of what the wedding etiquette people say, every situation is different and needs to be evaluated as the situation it is. What would I do in this situation, I don't know, but just b/c Emily Posts says all serious SO's need to be invited, doesn't mean that's the best course of action for this scenario. <strong>FWIW, I have been invited to plenty of weddings by myself when I was in a serious relationship. These types of things really are at the discretion of the bride & groom. Some do it for financial reasons.</strong>
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    Just because YOU weren't offended doesn't mean that the bride and groom were correct or that this should be the gold standard of invitations.  SOs are invited together, period.  The people who excluded your boyfriend were rude whether you'd like to see it that way or not.

    As for the OP, I'm really torn.  The father is still legally married to the mother but clearly has a mistress on the side.  I think that whatever you want to do here is okay (as in, I'm agreeing with MFJ on this).
  • catwinecatwine member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited October 2012
    so, my dad left about 8 years ago. I'm not close with him, nor do I really want to be.  I'm inviting him becuase he is my father and that's it.  He seemed to think it was okay to bring his mistress even though he knows I dislike her.  And really...how is it in good taste to have them sitting at a table with my mom?

    FWIW-my dad and his M do live together. 
    we do not have a DOC, nor is it right to ask a member of MY family to keep an eye on the M. she will literally go aroudn to other guests and introduce herself as my dad's wife...ha.

    i'm NOT allowinghim to bring her but i wanted to get some opinions on the topic anyway.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:1bc61af1-06b6-4a6c-9fb0-2a92566533d1">Re:parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:parents bringing 'dates' : I view these types of things on a case-by-case basis.    If this is a fresh, new separation I doubt I would invite the lying cheating bastard's gf (hey if she gets a title of "whore", he shouldn't get a nice title of "dad") and invite. If the separation is being going on for YEARS, then yeah, I would extend the invite.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    I like and agree with this response.

    I would like to throw one random question in though... and forgive me, what if her dad didn't have a GF but a "friend with benefits"?  Does that count as an SO? 
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  • While I think it is fine for parents to be able to bring dates, if they are divorced, this is a sticky situation.  I think it would be ok to ask your father not to bring her.....have you broached this topic with your mom or dad yet?  I would want to know in particular how my mom felt about it.  Since you are 2 weeks out, I wonder how you addressed the invites and if your dad has already told you he is bringing her or not.

    image
  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2012
    OP, your wedding is in 2 weeks and 5 days (per your ticker) Have you not sent out your invites yet? Have you asked your Dad his feelings on this?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:523c974a-de49-4df8-9b25-f9ee1a6aef8b">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]This thread is just full of bad advice.  We need some more "regs" around here with brains.  (I'm not referring to old regs who still frequent here but the new regs who have no clue). In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : Just because YOU weren't offended doesn't mean that the bride and groom were correct or that this should be the gold standard of invitations.  SOs are invited together, period.  The people who excluded your boyfriend were rude whether you'd like to see it that way or not. As for the OP, I'm really torn.  The father is still legally married to the mother but clearly has a mistress on the side.  I think that whatever you want to do here is okay (as in, I'm agreeing with MFJ on this).
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    I WAS offended but I'm saying they didn't invite a lot of people with SO's b/c they could not afford it. Some people just don't have the budget for 50 extra people who they don't know that are someone's SO's. Maybe that isn't the case here but my point is no, SO's don't always HAVE to get invited. It is nice and they SHOULD be invited, but no one HAS to be invited to any wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:14fef3cc-2019-4848-b5ad-3156b617c95f">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]While I think it is fine for parents to be able to bring dates, if they are divorced, this is a sticky situation.  I think it would be ok to ask your father not to bring her.....have you broached this topic with your mom or dad yet?  I would want to know in particular how my mom felt about it.  Since you are 2 weeks out, I wonder how you addressed the invites and if your dad has already told you he is bringing her or not.
    Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

    my mom laughed when I told her what my dad asked.  I addressed my dad's invite to him only.  there was no line for a guest.  he aksed me about bringing her after the invite was received.  my parent's are seperated for tax purposes but hey aren't legally seperated or divorced....so they are married to each other.
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:f5ecf422-e8dd-4187-9c57-8078af855cb3">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : I WAS offended but I'm saying they didn't invite a lot of people with SO's b/c they could not afford it. Some people just don't have the budget for 50 extra people who they don't know that are someone's SO's. Maybe that isn't the case here but my point is no, SO's don't always HAVE to get invited. It is nice and they SHOULD be invited, but no one HAS to be invited to any wedding.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    It doesn't matter that they can't afford it.  If you are going to host a function, you need to think about who will be invited and how many people you can properly host (properly meaning guest + significant other)... then go from there.  You don't say "Oh, I want to invite all of these people and screw their dates because I don't have the money!"  That's just being a stupid, horrible, and idiotic host.

    Also - everything you said in there goes against etiquette.  If you're going to post on an etiquette board, then learn some first.  I'm not trying to be mean, but I am saying that your current "opinions" are not helpful.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:f5ecf422-e8dd-4187-9c57-8078af855cb3">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : I WAS offended but I'm saying they didn't invite a lot of people with SO's b/c they could not afford it. <strong>Some people just don't have the budget for 50 extra people who they don't know that are someone's SO's</strong>. Maybe that isn't the case here but my point is no, SO's don't always HAVE to get invited. It is nice and they SHOULD be invited, but no one HAS to be invited to any wedding.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    When building a budget, the considerate thing to do is build in the cost of giving every single person a plus one. After all, the ceremony is for the bride and groom. the reception is supposed to be a thank you to the guests.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:91ed04f5-2d53-4022-a30f-b87539325f38">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]so, my dad left about 8 years ago. I'm not close with him, nor do I really want to be.  I'm inviting him becuase he is my father and that's it.  He seemed to think it was okay to bring his mistress even though he knows I dislike her.  And really...<strong>how is it in good taste to have them sitting at a table with my mom</strong>? FWIW-my dad and his M do live together.  we do not have a DOC, nor is it right to ask a member of MY family to keep an eye on the M. she will literally go aroudn to other guests and introduce herself as my dad's wife...ha. i'm NOT allowinghim to bring her but i wanted to get some opinions on the topic anyway.
    Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]


    Even if you didn't invite the M, why in earth would you seat them at the same table?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:c9abf6ca-4fa9-46b5-9724-55889c914be0">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : my mom laughed when I told her what my dad asked.  I addressed my dad's invite to him only.  there was no line for a guest.  he aksed me about bringing her after the invite was received.  my parent's are seperated for tax purposes but hey aren't legally seperated or divorced....so they are married to each other.
    Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]


    I think you are within your right to tell him you would not like to extend the invite to her.  Neither you or your mother would be comfortable with that situation. 

    image
  • OP, If your parents have been seperated for 8 years, your parents are only legally married for tax purposes, and your dad lives with his girlfriend then yes; your dad should have been invited with his girlfriend and her name should have been on the invite.

    What you did was rude. You could have easily seated your parents at different tables.
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