parents bringing 'dates'

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:fc84af1a-080e-4cf4-b44b-dd64db278042">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : It doesn't matter that they can't afford it.  If you are going to host a function, you need to think about who will be invited and how many people you can properly host (properly meaning guest + significant other)... then go from there.  You don't say "Oh, I want to invite all of these people and screw their dates because I don't have the money!"  That's just being a stupid, horrible, and idiotic host. Also - everything you said in there goes against etiquette.  If you're going to post on an etiquette board, then learn some first.  I'm not trying to be mean, but I am saying that your current "opinions" are not helpful.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

your b*tchiness isn't helpful either. I wasn't aware you and the etiquette gods dictated how everyone's weddings should be run.

marriedfilingjointly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:fc84af1a-080e-4cf4-b44b-dd64db278042">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : It doesn't matter that they can't afford it.  If you are going to host a function, you need to think about who will be invited and how many people you can properly host (properly meaning guest + significant other)... then go from there.  You don't say "Oh, I want to invite all of these people and screw their dates because I don't have the money!"  That's just being a stupid, horrible, and idiotic host. Also - everything you said in there goes against etiquette.  If you're going to post on an etiquette board, then learn some first.  I'm not trying to be mean, but I am saying that your current "opinions" are not helpful.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  If money is the concern, there are plenty of places a couple can cut costs so that each person can come to the wedding with their SO.</div><div>
</div><div>I disagree with Kat that everyone has to be given a "plus one."  It is nice to allow singles to bring a date but not necessary.  It IS necessary to invite social units together.  </div>

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:4f3d2902-8115-4c98-941f-abff7b676381">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : When building a budget, the considerate thing to do is build in the cost of giving every single person a plus one. After all, the ceremony is for the bride and groom. the reception is supposed to be a thank you to the guests.
Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]

I agree with that, but certain situations sometimes just do not warrant guests. Perhaps this one. Also if I had a college age cousin or something who was 19 and had a flavor of the week, I would not invite an SO that situation either.

lyndausvi

I don't understand why the question was even asked?

KatWAG

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:8de030ee-f806-4c83-9e2a-c50838bb7827">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : This.  If money is the concern, there are plenty of places a couple can cut costs so that each person can come to the wedding with their SO. I disagree with Kat that everyone has to be given a "plus one."  It is nice to allow singles to bring a date but not necessary.  It IS necessary to invite social units together.  
Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]

Sorry, to be clear, I didnt mean that everyone had to be given a plus one. I meant that everyone should be budgeted for a plus one. So on the off chance that everyone is in a relationship, you have the money to pay for it.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:a2cfc84a-bc10-4e9f-95ca-9f333a9a1d48">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why the question was even asked?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm confused as well.</div><div>
</div><div>OP - I think you were rude to intentionally leave her off.  Your parents have been separated for 8 years, at this point, their status is just legal, not social.  Your father and his GF/M/whatever are a social unit, and she should have been invited.</div><div>
</div><div>But if you already made the decision and your wedding is in two weeks, what was the point of this?</div>

banana468

Let me get this straight: Your parents have been separated for nearly a decade. Dad has a serious SO. And you think you're within the bounds of appropriate behavior to ignore your Dad's relationship AND you want to force your parents to share a table at the reception?! This has bad idea written all over it. I hope you're not counting on some last minute funds from your dad. If my child pulled that we would have large issues that extended way beyond the wedding.

lyndausvi

btw -Stage, your mom sounds like a kind forgiving woman.       i've seen way to many ex-wives cut fathers out of their kids live by being bitter.

  It's sad.  It seems like your mom gave you an opportunity to make your own decisions about your father and not one developed because of her own experiences.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:a540a49c-b697-4e35-afe7-df1a27a1566d">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : I'm confused as well. OP - I think you were rude to intentionally leave her off.  Your parents have been separated for 8 years, at this point, their status is just legal, not social.  Your father and his GF/M/whatever are a social unit, and she should have been invited. But if you already made the decision and your wedding is in two weeks, what was the point of this?
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

This.

And as another PP said, have your father and M host their own table on the opposite side of the reception as your mom.  Your mom would host her own table.

Who cares if this lady makes an asss out of herself at your wedding.  She will be embarassing herself.  And if you don't want a familiy member to keep an eye on her (I didn't mean they had to covertly follow her all night), then show a picture of her to your venue's main staff person.  Tell her she is to be escorted out if she begins to act up at all.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:7e7b0046-3f35-4cdb-a758-f3fc78ac2db0">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : your b*tchiness isn't helpful either. I wasn't aware you and the etiquette gods dictated how everyone's weddings should be run.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

Did you not know that etiquette was a major force in weddings?  Did you not realize that this was, indeed, the etiquette board?  Did you not realize that this was an etiquette-related question?

Again, I'm not being mean (or b*tchy as you so nicely put it), I'm explaining the reality of the situation.

marriedfilingjointly

Ok, if it's been 8 years, you probably should have invited her. I don't understand the point of asking if you've already made up your mind.

lv2011

I have a question not for myself, but just out of curiosity reading this. Ignoring the social unit thing here, if a reception is a thank you to the guests, is it realy much of a thank you to inflict on them a guest that will make it uncomfortable and awkward? That doesn't seem to be much of a thank you.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:248937bc-d147-4bb5-8736-a04f34e360ad">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question not for myself, but just out of curiosity reading this. Ignoring the social unit thing here, if a reception is a thank you to the guests, is it realy much of a thank you to inflict on them a guest that will make it uncomfortable and awkward? That doesn't seem to be much of a thank you.
Posted by lv2011[/QUOTE]

<div>It's not much of a thank you to intentionally snub one of your guests either.</div>

[Deleted User]

Yeah, I was kind of on the fence with this, but if they've been together, even if it's on and off, for 8 years and they live together, she should have gotten an invite. And, honestly, if your parents have been split up for 8 years and just haven't done the legal paper work, it doesn't mean that their marriage is any less over. So who cares if some crazy woman wants to claim to be your dad's wife. People will give her weird looks and move on with their evening. Just don't sit your dad and his gf with your mom. That's easy enough.

That being said, I don't really get why you posted either. I mean, you say in your original post "If my parents seperated when I was a kid adn remarried since then, I'd probably be okay with my step parents being there, but only if they supported me and my marriage." If you feel that way about a stepparent (which, I don't have them, but my FI does and I could not conceive of not inviting them), I don't think we're going to change your mind about a girlfriend, no matter how serious or long term

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:77512c45-4813-4992-92c6-e7237e859392">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : With the exception of having DOC keep an eye on things, not so much.  You suggested "banning" grown adults from communicating emotional issues at the wedding.  I agree, a wedding is not the place to discuss these issues.  However, you cannot tell a grown adult what to do or say.  They should be well aware her wedding is not the time nor place. Please enlighten me, how exactly would you enforce this ban you suggested?
Posted by LiLe422[/QUOTE]

Sadly, although grown adults should be well aware not to use a wedding to discuss such  issues, really obnoxious ones like the father's GF here will ignore it and act without maturity or sensitivity.

The ban would be on having a scene to do that at the wedding.  If one starts, the designated person like the DOC would escort one of the parties out of the room, or if necessary, get hold of the management or even the police to do that if it escalates that far.

If they try to just bring up the issues with no scene, I think the designated person could just step in and say, "Christinavy would appreciate it if you'd discuss these matters at another time and place rather than at her wedding."

Viczaesar

"my mom is dating anyone nor is she even thinking about finding a date."

OP, did you mean to say "My mom is NOT dating anyone nor is she even thinking about finding a date"?  Because otherwise this does not make sense.

Calypso1977

she doesn't want to go becuase she supports me, she just wants to cause a scene because that's the kind of person she is (she think she and my dad are married...my parents are still married!).

so her telling everyone she is your father's wife is causing a scene?  or do you expect her to do something else?  because IMO, this isnt causing a scene, its just making her look dumb. 

catwine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:e09f41b2-5b33-4fe7-acac-b17c519e3fd4">Re:parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me get this straight: Your parents have been separated for nearly a decade. Dad has a serious SO. And you think you're within the bounds of appropriate behavior to ignore your Dad's relationship AND you want to force your parents to share a table at the reception?! This has bad idea written all over it. I hope you're not counting on some last minute funds from your dad. If my child pulled that we would have large issues that extended way beyond the wedding.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

1. my father is not serious about this woman. he has left her repetedly, seen other women since and gone back to her.  he is comfortable with her because she is clingly and needy.

2. uh, yeah, i can ingore that because my father <strong>had an affair with this woman and destroyed my family.
</strong>
3 of course my parents are sitting together at the reception!!  since they are my family, they are sitting at the family table.  my parents are in no way "hosts" of my wedding.

4. my dad has contributed money for my venue and that is it.  i never expect anything from him becuase he is unreliable. 

btw-i'm posting this to ask what everyone thinks it the proper thing to do...i'm simply curious.  i really don't care what is considered "proper etiquette" in this situation because apparently the right thing to do will be embarassing, uncomfortable and very disrespectful to me and my family.

catwine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:be062145-29cb-4d5b-b692-37be6a30e721">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]"my mom is dating anyone nor is she even thinking about finding a date." OP, did you mean to say "<strong>My mom is NOT dating anyone nor is she even thinking about finding a date</strong>"?  Because otherwise this does not make sense.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

yes, that's what i meant.

catwine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:98706d48-74cb-43b5-a778-4a177b0ddd7d">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]she doesn't want to go becuase she supports me, she just wants to cause a scene because that's the kind of person she is (she think she and my dad are married...my parents are still married!). so her telling everyone she is your father's wife is causing a scene?  or do you expect her to do something else?  because IMO, this isnt causing a scene, its just making her look dumb. 
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

yes, thats causing a scene because she is crazy.  she would intro herself as that to my fiance, my in laws, my fiance's family, my friends, etc. and then people will ask me what's up because my parents aren't remarried. and she doesn't even like me...so who knows what else she may do!

OliveOilsMom

Many brides here who had their parents or in-laws separated will tell you they sat them at different tables.  Why would you put your mom through a whole evening with her ex-H and his M?  I know your parents aren't technically divorced or separated, but after 8 years, people know the story.  What is the big deal to allow your parents to host separate tables?  Hosting separate tables has nothing to do with if they are paying for your reception at all.

And your dad keeps going back to this woman.  That means he values her in someway and you should respect your dad's relationship with this woman regardless of how it started.  Your dad had a hand in destroying your family too.  Don't let him get away blameless in this.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:64c17067-515c-451a-aec7-32ed5da7dc19">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]Oliveoil -- I suspect that OP has at least some happy thoughts/memories of her dad, and the good balances the not so good.  Not likely the same with his GF.  
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

And you're probably assuming he's paying for part or all of her wedding, which means he gets a free pass to be a no-good bastard.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:1c4ccc1f-ecc8-4220-a2c8-5525a0c725e8">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]No Ziti, I am not assuming that.  There is also no concern that Dad is delusional. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>Except Dad did pay for part of the venue.  So, there's that.</div>

LiLe422

In Response to Re:parents bringing 'dates':[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates':In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : With the exception of having DOC keep an eye on things, not so much.nbsp; You suggested "banning" grown adults from communicating emotional issues at the wedding.nbsp; I agree, a wedding is not the place to discuss these issues.nbsp; However, you cannot tell a grown adult what to do or say.nbsp; They should be well aware her wedding is not the time nor place. Please enlighten me, how exactly would you enforce this ban you suggested?Posted by LiLe422Sadly, although grown adults should be well aware not to use a wedding to discuss suchnbsp; issues, really obnoxious ones like the father's GF here will ignore it and act without maturity or sensitivity.The ban would be on having a scene to do that at the wedding.nbsp; If one starts, the designated person like the DOC would escort one of the parties out of the room, or if necessary, get hold of the management or even the police to do that if it escalates that far.If they try to just bring up the issues with no scene, I think the designated person could just step in and say, "Christinavy would appreciate it if you'd discuss these matters at another time and place rather than at her wedding." Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

So you're suggesting hiring a babysitter to watch over grown adults? That should go over well.
When I mentioned the doc being on alert, I meant given the heads up that there could be a potential situation. NOT babysit her parents. I guess we were not on the same page whatsoever.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:067f8f47-94c3-45a7-9df2-9d6ccef02fcf">Re:parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:parents bringing 'dates': So you're suggesting hiring a babysitter to watch over grown adults? That should go over well. When I mentioned the doc being on alert, I meant given the heads up that there could be a potential situation. NOT babysit her parents. I guess we were not on the same page whatsoever.
Posted by LiLe422[/QUOTE]

Apparently not, because it seems to me that you're just looking for offense in everything I say.

Unfortunately, some so-called grown adults need, and earn, someone to have to babysit them because they can't or won't keep their mouths shut.  When that's the case, how it "goes over" with two cases of arrested development is probably the last thing the bride or anyone who really cares about the bride needs to worry about.  If you (generic) choose to behave like a child, you forfeit the right to be treated like an adult.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:456916d5-49f9-4402-a258-0f4a68615a02">Re:parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:parents bringing 'dates' : <strong>1. my father is not serious about this woman. he has left her repetedly, seen other women since and gone back to her.  he is comfortable with her because she is clingly and needy. 2. uh, yeah, i can ingore that because my father had an affair with this woman and destroyed my family.</strong> 3 of course my parents are sitting together at the reception!!  since they are my family, they are sitting at the family table.  my parents are in no way "hosts" of my wedding. 4. my dad has contributed money for my venue and that is it.  i never expect anything from him becuase he is unreliable.  btw-i'm posting this to ask what everyone thinks it the proper thing to do...i'm simply curious.  i really don't care what is considered "proper etiquette" in this situation because apparently the right thing to do will be embarassing, uncomfortable and very disrespectful to me and my family.
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Okay, so your dad is still married to your mom, has a live-in mistress for 8 years, whom he also cheats on with multiple other woman.  Yet the MISTRESS is the one who destroyed your family.   

</div><div>
</div><div>Yeah, okay, sure, keep believing that one.</div>

crash2729

Wait, so you think that your parents need to sit together at the same table? That's just asking for trouble.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-bringing-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab6654d0-02af-4346-b3b7-585dba35713ePost:5320f198-0a61-4d57-930d-6b0e892fbd07">Re: parents bringing 'dates'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: parents bringing 'dates' : Yes, my mom is one classy broad, it is true.  Sadly, my father is a grade A douchecanoe so it didn't take long to make up my own mind that he is a less than stellar human being in general, but she was always very careful not to let HER feelings influence OUR feelings.  And we were all three teens/children at the time.  When I read about full grown adults still struggling with parental infidelity many years later, I think that maybe this is not something all mothers do. And we got the bonus lesson that someone else being an asshole does not ever give us an excuse to be the same.  Inviting Dad was always optional and completely up to us, but if we invited him we invited whichever woman he was with at the time too, because that was the proper thing to do.  
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>That is one classy broad.</div><div>
</div><div>I have a friend who's mom was the complete opposite.  She was a raging bittch when it comes to her ex.   (Betty Brodrick-like minus committing murder).  S had basically no relationship with her dad and step-mom because of mom (mind you this was 30 years ago, father visitation rights have come a long way).   Anyway late in HS early college, she realized her relationship with dad was based off of mom's feeling, not her own.  Much to mom's dismay she developed a healthy relationship with her father.  </div><div>
</div><div>  A few years later S got married and then quickly divorced (not because of an affair).    One thing she said was she now  understood what her father felt like being married to the wrong person.  While she didn't condone the affair, looking back she realized that her parents did not have a good healthy relationship before the affair anyway.  Dad and other woman have been married for 30 years.</div>

nameisme

      Does your dad really need to sit with your mom and with your family? I feel like that is opening a whole can of worms you won't want to have to deal with...Especialy if your dad does bring his mistress, do you want your mom to have to sit next to them? You have to think about your mom in this situation too. If I were you, I would invite your dad and his whateversheis. But treat them as guests. If you do not consider him a dad and just a sperm donor, yet want him there, send him his invite, allow your ushers to great him and her and seat them like any of your other guests.
      As for at dinner, are you inviting any of his family or people you are mutual friends with? Sit them with those people. If she is distracted by people she actually knows then it will lesson that chance of an "episode". She really shouldn't need a baby sitter. My guess people will know she is not your father's wife and it will make her look petty and desperate. And if they do believe her, then why does it matter? Your parents seem to have no intention of getting back together so the two of them can have each other.

amyb140

Just a thought.

Perhaps you should spend less time worrying about this issue and concentrate on the fact that your FI is sending texts to other girls on a secret phone telling them he's single and trying to meet up with them.